The Courting of Officer Gulch
by animegus farmus
Summary: Companion piece to Otherside Encounter, because every story has two sides.
1. First Meeting

_Disclaimer: I...do....not...loadingloadingloading....own...connection lost. Dialing-up. Ringringringbeeeeeep...loadingloadingloading...Tin...........Man._

_Author's Note: All hail animegus farmus who hast battled the fiery demons of internet hell to bring to thee this story. This, by the way, is completely the fault of my own demon reviewer nightdrive23. Yes, I realize you only asked for the shopping trip that takes place during 'Gone Fishin'' but I _warned_ you how these things go. I handed the idea to my muse, the preliminary results were good, and I shelved the project for until I finished 'Otherside Encounter' (Ha!). Then Azkadellia came along and found my rough sketch and immediately demanded her side of the story be told. So here we are. I will warn you all now, this isn't going to be all jokes and jollifications. Anyone reading between the lines of 'Otherside Encounter' will know that Az's life wasn't all sunshine and butterflies when Officer Gulch arrived on the scene. Chapters are not going to match up one for one, length will vary, and as I refuse to spend the whole time repeating myself previously untold events are likely to appear. And yes, nightdrive23, we are eventually going to go shopping, you may stop reminding me now. For the present, however, you must content yourself with a very short chapter. ttfn_

* * *

...

Azkadellia didn't pay any attention to him at first. He was mere background to her, as extraneous as the munchkin released from the foreign vehicle along with her sister, in wake of the arrival of the two people in the O.Z. who made her feel safe: DG, who had set her free, and the Tin Man, who protected anything the youngest princess cared about, even the erstwhile Sorceress herself. Releasing a week's worth of built-up tension in a relieved sigh as Wyatt Cain raced about bellowing orders, Az really didn't have any attention to spare for the oddly dressed man. There was this small problem regarding a contingent of Longcoats to deal with, after all, not that it mattered, her sister was here and nothing could hurt them while they were together.

The Longcoats seemed to think they mattered, however, as one of their bullets ricocheted off the automobile and grazed Cain's arm, thereby interrupting the preparations. Caught up in her initial reaction to the sudden attack, reaching for her sister who had abruptly disappeared from her side, Azkadellia completely forgot about the strange man – right up until the moment he tackled her.

"Unable to breathe," the eldest princess protested from her new position on the ground. She was considering being miffed – the man was heavy and his gun was digging most painfully into her hip – when he shifted to remedy this situation and her brain caught up to current events. Azkadellia was transfixed by the unexpected recognition, not of the man, but of his actions and what lay beneath them. Like the motivation that had removed her sister from her side seconds ago, she'd seen it hundreds of times before in DG's Tin Man – the instinct to protect.

_Nobody_ instinctively protected the former Sorceress of the O.Z.

"Sorry," said the beautiful exception.

For the briefest of instants Azkadellia could only stare at him, the inconsequential man who had so unexpectedly crashed into the spotlight of her attention. He had the kindest brown eyes she'd ever seen.

"I need to get to DG," she managed at last then watched in awed amazement as he immediately looked to fulfill her wish. Not only that, but he kept them under cover the entire time, even going so far as turn his unprotected back on the enemy rather than risk exposing her to danger. Az wondered briefly if this was how it felt to be DG with her ever diligent Tin Man on hand then she was reaching out for her sister, invincible once more as their grips locked and the light flowed through them.

"Shrink them?" Azkadellia asked DG, ignoring the hail of bullets now bouncing off their magical shield.

"Shrink 'em," DG agreed.

The eldest princess immediately set to work, waving her hand in a deceptively simple gesture, resulting in the abrupt shrinkage and magical transportation of one of the Longcoats. Normally Azkadellia was hesitant to use the well known spells and tricks of the former Sorceress; today, however, she was in a hurry. Az wanted this battle over with, the Longcoats were decidedly in the way and she had an anomaly to explore.


	2. Finders Keepers

_Disclaimer: I do not own Tin Man or Shakespeare. If you have a problem with this I am spending a good portion of my days recently with a crowbar in one hand and a hammer (sledge or regular, it varies) in the other, I'm sure we can discuss the matter._

_Author's Note: So far it's looking like these are going to be short chapters. What was supposed to be one chapter has so far broken down into three little ones. Don't blame me, Azkadellia is driving this bus. I was quite amused by Quality Control's response to last chapter. She said, and I quote, "Me likes. Pray continue." Quality Control has never asked me to continue before (and she was quite indignant when she thought I wasn't going to) so I think she really does like it. Which is kinda funny considering she was so dubious about the idea in the first place._

_PS This was supposed to be posted yesterday, but due to an unfortunate combination of dad's inability to perform correct mental calculations (his memories of high school math: the textbook was orange) and my dumping approximately twenty bushels of barley into the middle of the road (I'll be hearing about that all summer), I spent most of the afternoon, evening and some of the night shovelling and hauling grain. Made it a bit late to perform internet invasions. Sigh._

* * *

...

Azkadellia very much hoped they could get this meeting over with soon. She understood it was important, in fact on any other day she would be vitally interested in the proceedings, no matter how many times they'd gone through post-Longcoat battle debriefings. Today, however, there was an enigma sitting out in the hall and she very much wished to explore it. Besides, some of the advisors seemed to take an almost perverse pleasure in informing her how much death and destruction her former minions had caused, as if she needed anymore guilt riding on her shoulders. Az could feel quite miserably responsible all on her own, thank you very much.

"Now about our reluctant slipper," Wyatt Cain said, drawing the eldest princess' complete and undivided attention back to the council discussion.

"Ah yes," mused the Consort, "I suppose we should return him to the Otherside as soon as possible."

_Daddy no_, Azkadellia wailed internally. She hadn't even gotten a chance to study him yet.

"Actually," the Tin Man interjected, "I was thinking of keeping him. He would make a good bodyguard for Princess Azkadellia."

Everyone in the room stared at him. The princess in question, meanwhile, was wondering if she'd ever told her sister how much she adored the Tin Man and that she'd love to have him for a brother-in-law.

"We can't just kidnap Officer Gulch!" DG protested half-laughingly.

_Et tu, Brute?_ Az thought. She wasn't entirely sure of the Otherside expression but she thought it fit the circumstances.

"Not kidnap, appropriate," Cain explained practically, "you said yourself that his main job on the Otherside is to serve and protect. He can do that here. Begging your pardon, Highness," he continued with an apologetic glance in the eldest princess' direction, "but we are having a hard time finding people willing to work Princess Azkadellia's protection detail, much less someone we can trust to select, train and organize it. Thanks to Princess DG's travel storm, though, we now have the perfect candidate."

"You want to put this policeman in charge of my eldest daughter's safety?" Ahamo asked with a look of distaste. Azkadellia wondered why daddy felt so ill-disposed towards policemen.

"There are precedents," the Tin Man replied dryly.

The Consort's lip twitched. "You are not a bodyguard," he refuted, backed by DG's firm nod, "you are a Royal Advisor."

"Yes," Cain replied dryer still, "and as your advisor I recommend that you keep the cop. From what I can tell, his Otherside training is more than sufficient for the job and he has already shown that he has the right instincts. Not to mention I understand he has pulled unofficial princess protection duty in the past so this Gulch already has the necessary experience."

DG, Azkadellia was interested to note, was pretending to find the ceiling fascinating while affecting an innocent air. Racking her memory, Az vaguely recalled her sister mentioning an Officer Gulch, though she more often used the title 'The Menace'.

"We could always return him later if it doesn't work out," Ambrose pointed out. Any further input he might have, however, was lost as mental control was hastily foisted upon Glitch in light of the eldest princess' glare.

"I don't know," DG began but she broke off as Azkadellia's hand seized hers and squeezed.

"Look," asserted the Tin Man, "would you all please consider this a moment. We know full well that there are people out there gunning for the Royal Family, Princess Azkadellia most of all. Everyone needs a fully functional protection unit, we've been lucky to have managed as well as we have thus far, and that is mostly because we borrowed army personnel. Officer Gulch has no reason to wish ill of the eldest princess, he is qualified, and he is available. Give him a trial period if you want but at least give the idea a try."

Nearly cutting off circulation to Deeg's fingers, Az held her breath and hoped for a miracle. She had no idea why she wanted to keep the unknown slipper so badly but she did not like the thought of the first person outside her family or the Heroes of the Eclipse not to flinch at her presence leaving. It was so nice to meet a person's eyes and not see the Sorceress reflected in them. _He followed DG home, can we keep him_, she begged.

Her thoughts were interrupted when the Consort suddenly let out a sardonic chuckle. Cain's hand twitched towards his gun at the unexpected reminder of his first meeting with the Seeker.

"Can I be the one to tell the cop he's on probation?" Ahamo asked with a slightly malicious smirk.

"If you wish," the Tin Man acquiesced, correctly assuming the decision had been made.

"Doesn't Gulch get a choice in this?" DG inquired, laughing once more.

"No," Cain replied, striding across the room to open the hallway door.

Azkadellia breathed a sigh of relief and waited for Officer Gulch to be ushered into the room. Officer Gulch, it was a strange, Otherside name. _Officer, _she mentally tested. It was different, unique even, like the man was to her personal existence. Az thought she quite liked it.


	3. Click

_Disclaimer: I do not own Tin Man and Shakespeare's copyrights are probably long expired, though I plan to stop using his line after this one._

_Author's Note: Due to Mom's eavesdropping on Quality Control's and my conversation, my mother now knows I write stories. Interestingly enough her first response was to worry that someone would steal my stories and sell them. And here I thought she'd think I was wasting my time. All I can say is if someone does I want to know how they came to own Tin Man because I would like to repeat their performance. I must be a more trusting person than mumsy because the thought hadn't really occurred to me. Anyhoo, unlikely events aside, let us move on with the story. I must say, a great deal more potential amusement is making it into this far earlier than I planned._

_PS I moved up my posting schedule and hereby dedicate this chapter to nightdrive23 who is having a tough time of it lately. I hope this helps._

* * *

...

Azkadellia slipped quietly out of the palace in search of her new bodyguard. All things considered, he'd taken the news of his 'promotion' fairly well. The cop's eyes had narrowed somewhat at the Consort's choice of words but as the implications sank in he turned his annoyance in an entirely different direction.

"Et tu, DG?" the put upon Gulch had demanded.

As DG giggled her declaration of innocence regarding the recent royal decree, Az had been pleased to note that her usage of the Othersidism had been correct. If she was going to have a slipper bodyguard she'd best learn the language. Watching the encounter, however, the eldest princess had felt the slightest doubt disturb her newfound contentedness. Perhaps it was just a _little_ unreasonable of them to commandeer Officer Gulch's life if he was so opposed to the idea. Beginning to feel a touch uneasy, Azkadellia had slipped her hand back into DG's and unhappily wondered if she was going to have to let her Othersider go after all. Then Deeg had hit him with an apparently promised explanation of 'all this disappearing, reappearing, and making my life miserable stuff.'

The poor man had looked like he'd been clocked over the head with a lightening rod.

Regarding Azkadellia's part in the whole current state of the O.Z. DG had been mercifully brief. Her abridged version of events regarding the Sorceress had basically amounted to 'my sister has recently recovered from a nasty bout of wicked witch possession but due to a certain hostile coup performed during this time all but a handful of people are unfortunately afraid of her.' The crown princess had then gone on to beg the Kansas policeman to please take care of her big sister, a plea punctuated by her patented big blue-eyed stare.

Officer Gulch had been nonresponsive. It was possible that the cop was the only man yet known to be immune to the power of DG's eyes, the more obvious hypothesis, however, was that Gulch had been suffering from an evidently extreme information overload. After a few minutes of his impression of the world's most bewildered statue, the youngest princess had chuckled again.

"Take my advice, Gulch," DG had suggested, "just let it slide for now, think about it later when you have time to absorb it all."

The Othersider had blinked then he'd shaken himself slightly. "Let me get this straight," he'd stated, pointing at DG, "You're a princess, they're your parents, the gun toting maniac was a cop," he'd seemed rather affronted by this information, "and she just had an exorcism."

DG had nodded.

"But most people are still angry about her actions while under the influence," Gulch had continued, "and are thus out to get her. So you want me, neutral party, to be her bodyguard."

"Basically," Deeg had confirmed.

"May I have a minute?" the policeman had requested faintly.

"Of course," the queen had granted kindly.

Nodding, the cop had murmured distractedly, "DG, Tin Man, Royal...people," and wandered absently out the door.

He'd asked for a minute, Azkadellia had quite generously given him two, now she wanted to know where he'd gotten to. It didn't take her long to find him; he was standing on the lower steps, staring out at the river. The Othersider was looking lost, bemused, and a little exasperated. Observing the man carefully as she silently approached him, Az revisited her earlier fear that she was going to lose her slipper. Then the setting sun glinted off something shiny on his strange belt. The eldest princess knew what _those_ were. DG had told her all about them when she'd shown up for the first time a few months back with a rather flustered Tin Man chained to her wrist. Cain had said something about keys. Best figure out where he kept them, there were hand waves for that.

_Click_, she thought, _was the most beautiful sound_. Good thing she'd had the foresight to snag the keys as that was the first thing he looked for.

"Cain does this to DG whenever he's worried she is going to run off on him," she said in response to his puzzled stare.

"You aren't going to go anywhere," he replied, still mystified.

"No, but you might," she stated reasonably with what she hope was a friendly smile.

Officer Gulch, Az noted, was once again doing his bewildered statue impression but he'd added a slightly hunted look. She thought it was kind of cute.


	4. Beautiful Day

_Disclaimer: I do not own Tin Man or any of its characters, I do, however, own this particular ordering of words, for all the good that will do me._

_Author's Note: I worry about this chapter. Of course, experience teaches me that the more I worry about a chapter the more you guys seem to like it. Let us hope the rule holds true._

_PS Inspiration points to Quality Control, who actually did more than say 'it needs something' (always sooo helpful – not). I immediately scrapped her ideas regarding the final paragraph but they did inspire what I went with instead. Oh, and while I am at it, hers is the credit for the title of last chapter, I was drawing a blank. She probably wouldn't care either way but since someone commented on the title I figured I should give credit where credit was due._

* * *

...

Azkadellia woke the next morning with the feeling of what an Otherside child would recognize instantly as Christmas morning excitement. It took her a few minutes for her to recall whence came the unfamiliar sense of well-being and hope, but once memory had reasserted itself she was flying from the bed in the same manner as a much younger Az when she'd been intent on reaffirming that she had a new baby sister. She needed to know if yesterday had actually happened or if it had all been a wonderful and cruel dream. Such was her haste that she almost barrelled over the source of her tentative happiness as he stood in her doorway preparing to knock. He _was_ real. She felt like the sun had just risen to banish an eternal night.

Officer Gulch, meanwhile, snatched his hand quickly away, took an immediate step backward, and eyed the princess warily. Before Azkadellia's good mood could be dampened by the fear that someone had told the reluctant slipper something that had made him afraid of her after all, the cop apparently satisfied himself on some point and relaxed.

"I don't suppose I can have my handcuffs back," he asked doubtfully.

The dreaded and often reviled former evil dictator Sorceress whose every deed had once added to her infamy could do naught but smile at the man who only worried she'd chain him to her wrist again. Az had felt somewhat betrayed when Deeg had handed over the keys last night but it seemed her advice to give the Othersider time to adapt was sound.

"Didn't think so," Gulch said with a resigned sigh as the princess merely beamed at him. After a moment's wistful contemplation, the cop shook himself and continued, "I am supposed to escort you to the small breakfast parlour for the morning meal before meeting with Wyatt, er, Cain to discuss my new duties and obligations."

"Ok," the eldest princess responded. Studying her new bodyguard attentively, Azkadellia was pleased to note that he did not seem to be thinking of running away. He may be a bit lost yet but was apparently accepting of the new role the royal family had thrust upon him. It wasn't until the cop started fidgeting under her gaze that Az realized that she had been staring at him for quite some time now.

"Um," Officer Gulch muttered, "I don't suppose you could show me where the small breakfast parlour is could you?"

Grinning now, Azkadellia tucked her hand into the crook of his elbow – he was supposed to escort her after all – and steered him in the right direction. "But of course," she murmured.

"How about the guardhouse?" he added, flushing with embarrassment.

"Certainly," the princess replied politely, "Perhaps I should give you a tour of the palace later," she suggested.

"That would be a great help," the cop said gratefully, "unless there any diagrams of the layout of the place that I could study." Az watched with avid interest as Gulch turned this thought over in his mind. "I suppose I should memorize the building plans, know all the entrances, points of defence and all that," he mused, his face losing some of its forlorn expression in light of this newfound purpose, "I should also..."

Humming along in agreement to his contemplative monologue, Azkadellia resolved to steal and hide all of the palace blueprints at the earliest opportunity. She did realize Gulch would need them eventually to be allowed to perform his duties properly but this afternoon she was absolutely determined to give him the O.Z.'s most extensive tour. It was lovely weather for a walk.

Had they been aware of the eldest princess' thoughts, anyone else would have been quick to point out that while the purple colour of the sky could be considered pretty, it was currently raining hard enough to drown a fish, the river seemed convinced that Central City Palace needed an all-around moat, and the wall guards were holding on for dear life lest the wind give them an impromptu flying lesson. As far as Az was concerned, however, it really was the most beautiful day.


	5. Nightmares

_Disclaimer: Tin Man, by any other name, would still not be mine. Darn._

_Author's Note: I have mentioned this before, but given the way this chapter goes I will reiterate just in case: this be Akadellia's side of the story, thus we will not always be skipping through meadows laughing our buttocks off. I picked Hurt/Comfort and Humour as the categories for a reason. Hurt/Comfort because that is where Az is currently at, and Humour because with Officer Gulch around it really is inevitable. He's not in this chapter. You have been warned._

* * *

...

Azkadellia _hated_ her nightmares. They were vivid, painful, repetitive, and never failed to throw her harshly back into consciousness in the wake of a soundless scream. They were also full of memories. Tonight it had been the cave again. She had so many awful memories for her subconscious to choose from but the cave was the worst. Alone, in the dark, with the witch drawing ever nearer, trapped with the horrible, inescapable knowledge of what comes _after._ Az could never fall asleep again when she'd been in the cave, at least not by herself.

Slipping quietly from her bed, the eldest princess padded silently across her room and out the door. Nodding sleepily to the army guard still on loan until Officer Gulch could put together her official protection detail from the candidates waiting for them at Finaqua, Azkadellia made her way surely down the hall towards DG's chambers. The former resistance fighter, well accustomed by now to the princess' midnight routine, followed without comment. In the early days after the Eclipse she'd had some trouble with guards who'd assumed the erstwhile Sorceress intended to assassinate her sister again when she crept by in the dead of night. Cain had set them straight then sent them home, now Az was free to seek comfort.

"It's Azkadellia," she said as she passed the Tin Man's door.

"Dawkins," muttered the guard following her.

No one, no matter how tired or traumatized, ventured near the crown princess' room at night without announcing their presence unless they wanted to get up close and personal with Cain's revolver. Until the women of the royal family had prevailed upon the Consort, the Tin Man had spent his nights on a chair outside DG's chambers. The very thought made Az wince. The Tin Man may be capable of sleeping anywhere, due in part to his near decade of having to sleep on his feet, but that couldn't have been good for his neck or back. In the end, however, Ahamo had been convinced to allow Cain to occupy the room adjoining DG's in each of the palaces, though daddy had nailed all the communicating doors shut first. Probably not the best idea in the event of a security threat but Azkadellia figured a few nails weren't likely to stop the Tin Man if he should ever decide he needed to get through the door.

A barely conscious DG murmured soothingly as Azkadellia slid into her bed, her hand instinctively reaching out to wrap around her sister's in the clasp that had saved them all. In times like these it felt to the eldest princess like their roles had been reversed and Deeg was the protective big sister. She found this both painful and comforting, and nearly always sad.

Az had made it almost a week without nightmares, this was almost unprecedented. She did not think it was a coincidence that this time corresponded exactly with how long it had been since the Othersider cop had been in the O.Z. Today, however, Officer Gulch had been spirited away by the Tin Man so that the policeman could receive Cain's crash course in bodyguarding, study palace blueprints and peruse personnel files. If Azkadellia's guess was correct regarding her bad dreams, she was going to have to make sure nobody disappeared Gulch on her again. She knew she shouldn't have given the architectural plans back but Cain's arguments had been so convincing at the time.

"The more prepared a bodyguard is," the Tin Man had stated, "the longer his charge lives," scowling he added, "The longer he lives, too, in theory."

Az had capitulated.

Thinking of these events as she drifted back off to sleep, Azkadellia wondered vaguely if daddy would soon be nailing shut doors in her rooms as well. She did hope so. It was her last thought before she slipped into the realm of dreams once more, nightmares held at bay by the power of the sisters' light.


	6. Quirks

_Disclaimer: If wishes were horses beggars would ride so let's get those beggars on horses so I can own Tin Man. How's that sound?_

_Author's Note: Finally a chapter of decent length. By the way, I lent DG one of my childhood exploits. For those of you who do not have any farm lingo, a combine is a threshing machine used to separate the grain from the chaff at harvest time. Also, the Darwin Award, if you did not know this, is when you do something stupid and take yourself out of the gene pool. I have tried to win this award on several occasions._

* * *

...

Azkadellia was beginning to love Officer Gulch's bewildered statue impression. She'd had plenty of opportunity to study it during the two short weeks he'd been in the O.Z., but by her calculations his recovery time was becoming increasingly shorter. The Papay runners had thrown him for a loop, true, but the princess figured that was mostly because the Tin Man had let slip their former cannibalistic tendencies. Plus side to this, though he had looked longingly at his bullet-proof cruiser lent reluctantly to the Consort (daddy wanted to drive a real car again, mommy enjoyed the luxury of the upholstered seats, and Glitch wanted to play with the radio), was that the cop took to riding closer to the carriage conveying the princesses. Worked for Az.

The rudimentary bridge over the Crack in the O.Z, meanwhile, had given the poor cop mental fits. He took one look at the deep gorge, balked, blinked up a storm then refused to let anyone talk to him. Well he tried to refuse anyhow.

"Afraid of heights?" DG had asked mischievously, "And here I thought you _loved_ them."

If Gulch had not been so preoccupied with the rapid waters far below, Azkadellia was fairly certain he would have shot DG a rather nasty glare. Instead he'd gritted out, "There is a great difference between climbing a water tower..."

"You mean hanging from," the youngest princess muttered impishly.

"...and riding a skittish animal across the Grand Canyon on a narrow, haphazard bridge with no rails," the cop had finished stubbornly, incensed enough to send a side glare in DG's direction.

"You know as well as I do that horses can sense fear," an unrepentant Deeg had replied airily, "if _you_ would calm down, so would the horse."

Officer Gulch's reply became mostly incomprehensible as he'd apparently kept changing his mind as to which words to use. The argument did provide a wonderful distraction for the cop, however, as it got him halfway across the bridge without him noticing. At which point the Tin Man evidently decided he didn't like the policeman's tone and Gulch forgot the dangers the gorge presented in favour of keeping a wary eye on Cain's revolver. The rest of the trip was accomplished in peace and the Royal Family settled gratefully into their favourite retreat at Finaqua.

Azkadellia loved Finaqua. Its magical waters had been at the heart of all her favourite memories and its restoration, she truly believed, had been the first glimpse of the light that had eventually saved her. Everyone had been so happy there, which was precisely why she did her best to hide the fact that the lakeside palace was where her nightmares were the worst. She refused, _refused_, to let the witch take this place from her. It was her family's paradise, storms take it, and Az was determined to reclaim that feeling of peace. Not that she'd been having much success in this endeavour as of yet.

Thus it was that the eldest princess was not at all surprised when she woke two days after their arrival with a familiar silent scream burning the back of her throat. Not even the continued existence of her Otherside bodyguard could keep the nightmares at bay here. Curling up in the bed and wishing for morning, Azkadellia knew she wouldn't be able to hide this dream from her family, not this _memory_; this one haunted her more than all the others combined. Anyone who looked in her eyes today would see its spectre.

"My Azkadellia," the Queen said sorrowfully her eldest daughter joined them for breakfast, "whatever is the matter? Did you have a bad dream?"

"I killed DG again," Az said wanly then she froze in horror. She hadn't seen Officer Gulch entering the room until it was too late to call back her words.

The Othersider stopped like he'd walked into a brick wall.

_Oh no, no, no_, the eldest princess pleaded internally, _oh please no._

Gulch blinked.

She was going to lose him. This was going to be the breaking point; he'd be scared by the evil princess and go away. He was...

"You killed DG?" the cop asked in an odd voice, his face looked to be attempting to assimilate about five emotions at once.

Pointless to attempt to hide the truth, Azkadellia nodded mournfully. She'd known it was too good to be true. This was her punishment, to be shown a ray of light only to have it blotted out again.

"Well you don't seem to have done a very thorough job," Gulch pointed out with a puzzled glance at obviously living crown princess.

_Huh_? Brought up short in the midst of her calamity mindset, Az released the death-grip on Deeg's hand she hadn't even noticed grabbing.

"She was successful, though," the Tin Man said grimly, watching the cop carefully. As forgiving as Cain was about her past, the eldest princess knew that this was the one deed of the Sorceress that he continued to be bothered by. It set his protective instincts on edge.

"I got resurrected," DG explained in light of the policeman's furrowed brows, flexing her fingers to restore blood flow. She was casting quizzical glances between the cop and her sister.

"Oh," Gulch said urbanely, "I always knew you were a cat, by my calculations you should have been dead several times over years ago."

The Tin Man's eyebrows shot up, DG giggled, the Queen looked a bit anxious, and Azkadellia wondered why the world wasn't ending. She was pretty certain it was going to a few minutes ago.

"Not _several_ times," DG protested, "You're exaggerating."

"You stuck your head inside Farmer Spencer's combine," the cop presented as evidence.

"I wanted to see how it worked," the youngest princess countered reasonably.

"It was _running_," Gulch stressed, his voice rising slightly in pitch.

"I centered myself so that I was away from the moving parts," the unapologetic princess replied, "I was in no danger until you surprised me by shrieking my name like that. Fortunately I ducked rather than jumped so no harm done."

"No _harm_," the cop exploded, apparently still incensed regarding the incident despite the passage of time, "You scared me out of a year's growth and almost gave Spencer a heart attack. If you'd made one wrong move that thing would have ripped your head off!"

Cain, Azkadellia noted through her current daze, was looking appalled. A spoonful of his breakfast was currently suspended halfway between his mouth and the table, dripping porridge into his lap. The eldest princess, meanwhile, was wondering why the confession of her most despicable crime was having so little effect on the cop. "I killed DG," she repeated in disbelief.

"You are not the only one to have thought so," Officer Gulch told her, giving her a consoling pat on the shoulder as he passed by on the way to the breakfast bar, "Fortunately DG never does seem to stay dead long. I could tell you about this one time..."

Sitting in the breakfast parlour, listening to the many times DG should have received some 'Darwin Award,' Azkadellia felt the lingering horror of her dream slip quietly away. The ghosts of her past had not the power haunt her when faced with the light of the very _lively_ exploits of her younger sister. Then Cain countered Othersider's stories with one of his own.

Gulch froze, blinked, and stared at DG in utter disbelief. "With a _stick?_" he demanded.

Az _adored_ that look.


	7. Hand

_Disclaimer: I have always been told life isn't fair, which probably explains why I don't own Tin Man._

_Author's Note: I think this is my favourite chapter right here. Not going to lie, I like this one. Its blueprint was one of the reasons I finally decided to write Azkadellia's side of things in the first place. You guys seem to adore the chapters I worry about, now let's see what you think about the ones I like._

* * *

...

Azkadellia watched the hand in front of her intently. It was a nice hand, large but not overly so, strong yet capable of gentleness. Observing the hand sway rhythmically to the stride of its owner as hands do, Az had the overwhelming urge to grab it.

She hated it when DG and her Tin Man went away. They had only left that morning but already time seemed to have slowed to a crawl. It was just a quick diplomatic mission, some small issue to clear up with the representatives of the Eastern Guild. A trip from which the eldest princess was precluded because even an annual and a half after the Eclipse they had yet to convince the anklebiters that Azkadellia was no longer sorceress, witch, nor spy. Thus it was that Az had been deprived of the two beings that had been for so long her only safe harbours in a seemingly endless storm.

Sometimes Azkadellia worried she was losing herself; that the witch had left some part of herself behind or had twisted her captive princess so that what was left and all that it touched could only whither and rot. Other times the constant whispered conversations that followed the former Sorceress everywhere, whether callously careless or calculatingly cruel, wore her away so severely that Az felt she would be crushed beneath the burden of a guilt that was never truly hers to bear. When the ever attentive DG was there, though, she never failed to reach out her hand just as she had the first day she'd saved Azkadellia. While the light flowed through their bound hands, the formerly possessed princess knew that there was nothing left of the witch to poison her; she had the strength to hold the O.Z.'s pain on her shoulders. Nothing could hurt either princess when they were together.

Cain would do in a pinch. Sure Az couldn't go around grabbing his hand – the Tin Man allowed one person and one person only to take liberties with his personal space – but his mere physical presence was sufficient to ward off many a demon she faced. Disparaging remarks regarding the eldest princess did not seem to happen within the Tin Man's earshot and if Cain, with all that the Sorceress' reign had cost him, could forgive her past enough to include the broken princess within the blanket of his protection then there was hope yet. Perhaps someday she could lay her burdens down.

Unfortunately Cain and DG were very much a package deal. While the youngest princess would be willing to sacrifice much for the comfort and protection of her sister, the Tin Man could not be convinced to let DG out of his sight for any extended period of time for any reason. Nor would Az ask it of him, thus the eldest princess could have both of her anchors or none at all.

"It's just a few days," DG had said anxiously as she left.

Just a few days during which they both knew the weight of the world was slowly heaped upon Azkadellia's shoulders until it took every last ounce of her strength not to curl up in a miserable ball and leave it all behind. When Deeg left, Az suffered, both knew it and neither could do anything about it. Or could they?

Azkadellia had a theory about that.

Inspecting the hand as it accompanied its proprietor on his mission to familiarize himself with Finaqua Palace and the surrounding area, the eldest princess came to terms with her choices. It had been seven hours, thirty-six minutes and roughly twenty seconds since the two people who'd once been the only ones to make her feel safe had left the grounds. She had felt every moment as if a giant hourglass had been dumping its grains of sand upon her back. Az could accept that weight and labour under it until DG's return, or she could...grab the hand.

Officer Gulch stopped in his tracks.

Holding her breath, Azkadellia watched hopefully as her new bodyguard turned to her with her favourite bewildered man expression on his face. Az studied his face for the emotions behind the bemused look, trying to read his thoughts as he assimilated this new information. She thought she saw recognition there.

Gulch blinked and resumed walking.

There was no magic in the Othersider's hands. They were just the simple, honest hands of a country boy turned policeman. Officer Gulch did not have the power banish wicked witches or resurrect dead fields, yet when his fingers closed around hers with a firm, reassuring grasp, Azkadellia felt so light she thought she might fly.


	8. Hers

_Disclaimer: What do any of us really own?_

_Author's Note: I am doubly grateful for the rain that fell upon my head as I endeavoured to tie rebar together. For one, it made the workday end forthwith and is looking to give me a long weekend, for another, and more importantly, rain for the crops! Rain for the crops! Of course, it hailed this morning. Plus side: plenty of time to write ridiculously long chapter. Ok, it's not that long, but after all the little baby chapters Az has been giving me, this one was a bit of a shock to the system._

_PS As I am keeping myself a few chapters ahead of my postings, I can tell you that the day after I wrote this one it snowed. I should not be surprised, given where I live, but all my winter things are on the other side of the country darn it! The four hour power outage, however, was just adding insult to injury._

* * *

...

Azkadellia was not happy, not happy at all. If those hussies didn't get the _hell_ away from Officer Gulch she was going to...what? Do what? Rip out their brains? Suck out their souls? Lock them in a tin suit for all eternity? Bring any of the witch's multitude of tortures to bear and thereby prove to everyone she was every bit the monster they all thought she was?

The eldest princess of the O.Z. felt her sister's warm hand wrap around hers in a comforting clasp; the light they shared flickered and flared in response to Azkadellia's emotional turmoil. The Othersider wasn't _hers_, not really. The Royal Family may have appropriated his life shamelessly but it was still _his_ life to live. If one of the court ladies caught his fancy she had no right to interfere, no matter how much she might wish to. Watching the assembled courtiers carefully, Az wondered which one would someday steal her policeman away.

Beside her DG giggled.

That was most odd. Deeg was always the most sensitive to the eldest princess' emotional state so her apparent amusement at Azkadellia's anguish was decidedly unexpected.

"Poor Gulch," the youngest princess chuckled, "he never did know what to do about interested female attention. And here there are more women gunning for him than our little town ever had available at one time. He must feel positively hunted."

Startled, Azkadellia turned her eyes back to the scene of her torment with a new point of view, just in time, in fact, to watch her slipper bodyguard perform the strangest manoeuvre. Taking advantage of the distraction provided by a change of song and therefore dancing partners, the Othersider wove hastily through the gathered throng, ducked behind a sofa, scuttled along out of sight before throwing himself behind the draperies. The eldest princess blinked in surprise.

Glancing about the room, Az noticed that several of the attendant courtiers were currently looking about as if in search of someone – someone who was doing his darnedest to make sure they didn't find him. A deadly and irresistible combination of man in uniform allure and bad boy image, DG had once, with complete lack of seriousness, described Gulch's new position as giving him, yet she seemed to have been correct. Half of the most eligible damsels in the kingdom seemed to be interested in getting to know the exotic Othersider who had come to hold the quite respectable position of chief bodyguard to the O.Z.'s most feared royal. Officer Gulch evidently didn't appreciate the attention, however. Brightening considerably, Azkadellia returned DG's hand with a happy little pat and began to hope for an enjoyable ball after all.

Deeg, meanwhile, burst out laughing as 'The Menace' peeped out from behind the curtain only to go diving hastily back under cover as a few ladies turned his way. Even the Tin Man was heard to chuckle, though Az thought he sounded a mite sympathetic.

"Would her illustrious and Royal Highness deign to bestow the honour of a dance upon one of her ever loyal and most humble subjects?" a voice interrupted their amusement, causing Cain's laughter to cut off abruptly. The Tin Man glared at the painted and powered lord bowing elegantly before the Crown Princess of the O.Z.

After a momentary pause during which DG mentally switched gears, the youngest princess cast a considering glance in Cain's direction and politely accepted the invitation.

Azkadellia observed with interest as the noble led her sister out onto the dance floor – watched every step of the way by a glowering Tin Man. _People watching,_ Az thought, _is such an interesting activity._ She suspected DG was up to something, perhaps planning to force Cain to dance. Hmmm, perchance the eldest princess could do the same; that is if Officer Gulch could be induced into leaving the window treatments. Before she could embark on some serious plotting, however, Azkadellia became aware of a presence at her elbow.

"May I have this dance? May I have this dance? May I have this dance? May I have this dance? May I..."

Az smiled up at Glitch before ending his synaptic misfire with a gentle nudge and a grateful acceptance. It made her feel horribly guilty, but the eldest princess sometimes thought that the witch had actually done something right when she ripped out half of Ambrose's brain. The Royal Advisor had proven his loyalty a hundred times over when he had sacrificed so much to keep the Sun Seeder from her, but she had to admit the process had improved his personality no end. It was terrible of her to think so, but the Glitch in the advisor made the man so much more...fun. Even DG had confessed, albeit shamefully, that she'd been secretly glad when the restoration of his brain hadn't erased the friend she had come to know from his mind. Ambrose would never have invited Azkadellia to dance, Glitch, however, had the kindness to dance with his former enemy because he knew that there were so few that would.

Joining the dancers already twirling about the floor, Az would _never_ dream of dictating where a man of Glitch's rhythm led her, and if they just _happened_ to end up dancing near Gulch that was surely a coincidence. Convenient, too, as the bewildered statue impression was back and she wanted to know what caused it. Given the present company there was a good chance that he was learning things about her past that she'd rather he didn't know. While she had received pretty good reassurance on the matter lately, the eldest princess still feared the day the slipper would learn too much and demand to be returned to the Otherside. True, he had taken the news of DG's death by Azkadellia's hands fairly well, and it was hard to imagine any deed of hers that would appear worse...

"I'm telling you it is true, she sucked the soul right out of him. From what I hear the Mystic Man and General Lonot went the same way. At least Lonot deserved it, traitorous scum."

...okay, so there was that. Az watched anxiously as Gulch blinked, shrugged and resumed scanning the room from his hiding place. Damaging information assimilated with no apparent ill effects, Azkadellia released the breath she'd been holding as Glitch led her insistently away from the potentially upsetting conversation. It wasn't until he'd spun her halfway across the dance floor that the erstwhile Sorceress realized she'd been less upset about what those people had been saying than she'd been worried about the policeman's possible reaction. Since he'd taken the news of her former soul-sucking habits fairly well she wished the advisor hadn't been so fast to relocate. It'd been the closest she'd gotten to her bodyguard since the ball began.

"I don't know who that uppity Tin Man thinks he is, glaring at his betters. He should be reassigned back to the mud where he belongs," a sneering voice interrupted the eldest princess' reverie. This time it was Az who exerted the subtly pressure to direct the Royal Advisor away. Ambrose, she knew, had always been exceedingly loyal to Kingdom and Crown, Glitch, on the other hand, focused his loyalty on his friends, DG and his fellow Heroes of the Eclipse especially. Best not tempt fate and his misfiring synapses.

Unfortunately she chose the wrong direction in which to steer the headcase. No sooner did Glitch come within earshot of a rather inaccurate and scathing critique on his rhythm than he spun about in a completely different kind of dance. Five minutes later Azkadellia was sitting on a sofa with her bodyguard's head cradled in her lap.

The eldest princess would admit she quite enjoyed it when Officer Gulch came barrelling out of the draperies to pull her out of harm's way. Sadly it had put the policeman in the line of fire instead. The Royal Advisor's glitching system had apparently seen the cop as a threat and he'd whirled about in a roundhouse kick to send Gulch crashing to the floor. Fortunately Cain had arrived in time to take the situation well in hand, knocking out Glitch and thereby preventing the by then terribly upset princess from performing some dire retribution of her own. Shortly thereafter Royal Guards moved the Othersider to the sidelines where Az could care for her fallen bodyguard as Raw healed his concussion.

"Gulch worried, scared..." the Viewer stated, drawing the princess' attention as the policeman blinked his way back into consciousness. _What_ exactly he was worried and scared about they were not to discover, however, as Officer Gulch took instant exception to his feelings being broadcast to the room in general. As the Othersider attempted to move the conversation away from himself through a legitimate inquiry into the motivations of the headcase, Azkadellia was far more interested in contemplating the mental state of her bodyguard. Worried and scared about what? So preoccupied was she that she almost confessed to having been responsible for the current condition of Glitch's synapses. As Gulch took the partial explanation of the headcase's situation with his usual, inexplicable ease, the princess was free to continue examination of the slipper without fear of reprisals.

She had upon occasion wondered, and had even asked DG once during one of her renditions of Tales From the Otherside, why Officer Gulch had accepted his kidnapping so peacefully. Az had been exceedingly grateful that he had done so but one would have thought he would have objected a bit more strongly to his abduction. Instead he'd merely demanded at least some explanation and bowed resignedly to Royal Decree. When she'd asked Deeg about this, her sister had looked like she'd had mobats sicced on her for the first time.

"I suppose," the youngest princess had replied slowly, "it's because Gulch doesn't really have anyone on the Otherside. His parents passed away years ago and he doesn't have any other relatives that I know about. In a small town," she continued ruefully, "the friend pool isn't all that big so if your personality is off the beaten track sometimes you end up the odd man out. I'm not saying that Gulch wasn't well liked and respected, despite being an unforgiving traffic cop, but I don't think he had any close friends."

Mulling unhappily over the picture of the Othersider's life that DG had painted, Azkadellia thought it sounded exceedingly lonely. It made the princess sad to think about. Slipping her hand gently into his, Az consoled herself with the notion that he was in the O.Z. now, strange personalities were not a problem. Maybe a dance would cheer him up.

Officer Gulch looked down at her in puzzlement. "You want some food?" he asked in a hasty, almost panicked manner.

Azkadellia sighed. Swing and a miss, DG would say. She wondered what it would take for the man to dance with her. Oh well, she'd take what she could get for now, besides hadn't her sister mentioned something about a man's heart and his stomach. The road to a man's stomach was through his heart? No, that wasn't it. Hmm.

So preoccupied was she with searching her memory, the eldest princess didn't even notice the knife-wielding assassin bearing down on her. Gulch tackling her, however, she couldn't miss. As Azkadellia and her bodyguard went tumbling over the sofa they'd been sitting on moments before, she was pretty sure this hadn't been the Othersider's plan. It was amazing, though, how in the utter chaos his actions had induced, the policeman still managed to position himself in order to cushion her fall. Elsewhere in the ballroom shots were ringing out as the Tin Man brought his favourite problem solver to bear and dealt with the situation. A shocked hush fell on the gathering.

Azkadellia, meanwhile, was feeling the oddest sensation tickling the back of her throat. This was a strangely familiar, yet almost forgotten reaction and she couldn't quite grasp its meaning. It was not until it came bubbling to the surface that Az recognized the feeling for what it was: laughter, riotous, jubilant laughter that went chiming out into the ballroom to banish the silence. Sometime during their landing Officer Gulch had gotten himself tangled in her multitude of skirts and it was quite apparent he had no idea how to get out of them again.

In the recesses of her mind the eldest princess knew she shouldn't be laughing at him like this, he'd been trying to protect her after all. Not to mention that she was pretty sure that Cain had killed someone just moments ago making it appear as if she enjoyed death. Az just couldn't help it, though, the situation was just too funny and laughing felt too good. She hadn't experienced heartfelt, honest and innocent laughter in...over fifteen years. Azkadellia was going to enjoy her laugh, darn it, besides, it seemed that she was extremely ticklish so she probably couldn't have stopped if she wanted to.

"Where's the exit!" Gulch bellowed.

The eldest princess pounded her fists on the floor, threw her head back and wailed as the rest of the ballroom joined her in merriment. Oh, this was not dignified at all, her stomach hurt, and she just couldn't stop laughing. Best ball _ever_.

Half an hour later, having been so kind as to release the captive Gulch, Azkadellia still couldn't stop grinning. She probably shouldn't be so happy; someone had just tried to kill her in point of fact. On the other hand, that was quite the frequent occurrence, having the opportunity to roll on the floor laughing, meanwhile, was an exceedingly rare thing. _A rather depressing thought that,_ the eldest princess mused absently, it did not have the power to bother her at present, though. In fact, Az was quite sure that nothing could bring her down at this moment.

"Well," Officer Gulch suggested, "I guess I should get you back to your chambers."

Okay, maybe something could. No, wait, it couldn't, she refused to be budged from her state of bliss. "I want to dance," she replied.

"Someone just tried to assassinate you," her bodyguard said incredulously.

"And someone will probably try again tomorrow, the ball, however, is today," the former Sorceress countered.

"But..."

"Look," she interrupted, "I spent fifteen years possessed by an evil witch. Most of those years I spent bringing misery and pain to the people of the O.Z., there are people that want me dead. There probably always will be. I. Want. To. Dance."

Gulch hesitated a moment longer then capitulated, "Fine."

_Note to self_, thought Az, _when trying to get through to thick-headed Othersiders use small words and short sentences._ He'd still missed the salient point, however. No worries, there were clicks for that and Azkadellia had come prepared.

"Let me rephrase that," she stated as the panicked cop examined his new accessory, "_we_ are going to dance."

"Is that really necessary?" Gulch asked indignantly.

"Do I have to make it a royal decree?" the princess posed threateningly.

The policeman apparently knew when he was fighting a losing battle since he made no more demure as his charge dragged him out onto the dance floor. And just _where_ did the musicians think they were going? Azkadellia pointed at them, gestured to their instruments and uttered one word: _play_.

The musicians played. Fifteen minutes later the interrupted ball was back on the schedule. Officer Gulch, it turned out, didn't have a clue how to waltz. He was, on the other hand, rather adept at what he called the 'Two-Step'. Odd name since the dance distinctly had four steps, but the princess shrugged the discrepancy off with ease. Having been instructed in the basics of several types of dances at an early age, Azkadellia had no trouble learning the movements. She found she quite liked it; the dance didn't match the music but it was much more fun, containing more potential for increased tempo and variation. Next time DG went to the Otherside she was going to have to pick up the appropriate sheet music.

Having finally secured her preferred dance partner, the eldest princess resolved to keep him right where he was for the rest of the night. Only one courtier was foolish enough to contemplate cutting in. Officer Gulch, however, saw her coming. Emitting the cutest little sound of panic, the cop demonstrated some of those interesting dance variations, sending himself and Azkadellia spinning rather incongruously to the music in the opposite direction. Az found herself laughing once more.

There were no further attempts to steal away the Royal Bodyguard; Azkadellia had come to a decision. She didn't care if it made her some sort of odious monster, she was keeping the Othersider. Besides, he obviously didn't appreciate the attention of the court ladies anyhow; someone really ought to protect him.

Officer Gulch spent the rest of the ball obediently twirling his charge about the ballroom, no idea that the smiling princess spent a great deal of time shooting death glares over his shoulder at any who would dare take what was hers.


	9. Sweet Dreams

_Disclaimer: Do the actually owners of Tin Man even know we're doing this? Do they care? Do I care if they care? I claim nothing except my own plots and characters._

_Author's Note: The problem with writing ahead of what I'm posting is that I'm having the hardest time keeping track of where everyone is in the story. Every time I go to post I'm counting on my fingers, I'm here, Quality Control is there, and you guys are way the heck back there. I just know that one of these days I'm accidentally going to skip you all ahead a few chapters. If things ever seem to have suddenly fast forwarded on you, give me a shout and I'll double check. Except for nightdrive23, I'll probably ignore you as you tend to ask for extra chapters no matter what I do. ;)_

_PS If I could ask a favour of anyone who has read the books, exactly how long is an O.Z. day? And is their week, month/cycle, or year/annual any different from here on the Otherside?_

* * *

...

Azkadellia woke to a strange thudding sound. Reluctantly opening her eyes, she promptly made two interesting discoveries: 1) she was nestled quite comfortably in Officer Gulch's arms, and 2) he seemed to be knocking on someone's door with his head. Az immediately opted for pretending she was still asleep.

"_What?_" an irritable, sleep tousled Tin Man demanded as he opened the door.

"Keys please," was Gulch's plaintive reply.

Cain grunted in weary but amused understanding and disappeared in search for the requested item. Azkadellia crossed her fingers and hoped DG had stolen them once more. Unfortunately when the Tin Man returned he was carrying the necessary set of keys. Darn.

"Thanks," the cop said gratefully as he removed the handcuffs from their wrists and pocketed them.

"You know you aren't going to get to keep those," the Tin Man warned, "you're lucky I even had the keys."

"That I do," the resigned policeman replied, "Night Cain."

"Goodnight Gulch."

Az very much enjoyed herself as her bodyguard carried her carefully back to her apartments. She wished there was a spell capable of making the hallway longer. Perhaps she should invent one. It would probably get tough on Officer Gulch's arms, however. Alas. How, by the way, was he planning to open the door?

"Evening Dawkins," the Othersider murmured quietly lest he wake his supposedly sleeping charge, "mind getting the door?"

_Oh right_, the sleepy princess thought, she'd forgotten about her night guard. It had been something of a surprise when the former resistance fighter had volunteered to stay on with the eldest princess' protection detail. Since he'd passed the Tin Man's initial cross-examination he had no trouble passing Gulch's with flying colours. As happy as she'd been with the news at the time, she very much wished at present that he would _go away_.

Fortunately the man in question remained at his post as the policeman carried the princess across the antechamber towards her sleeping quarters. He _might_, however, have noticed Azkadellia's subtle hand wave which caused a certain pair of handcuffs to fly out of the cop's back pocket to land noiselessly on the dresser. Gulch was most definitely _not_ keeping those.

Reaching the inner chamber, the Othersider managed somehow to pull back the bedding before gently laying the princess down and carefully removing her shoes. Sensing him pause, Az risked cracking an eye open to see what he was up to. The policeman seemed to be contemplating something.

"How do they breathe in those?" he muttered beneath his breath as he fumbled with the corset strings at her back.

_We don't_, she replied silently as the man continued his unfruitful attempts to loosen the bindings.

"_Fashion_," Gulch whispered scathingly after a few more unsuccessful minutes. Az watched in amusement as the cop searched his garments for the pocketknife DG insisted that all country boys, and, indeed, most country girls, always had on them somewhere. When he started sawing through the corset ties, it was everything Azkadellia could do not to burst out laughing.

"Much better," he pronounced softly as the last string snapped.

The eldest princess took a deep breath and admitted internally that she had to agree with him. The Royal Dresser was going to have a fit tomorrow, though. He'd had a busy night, she mused as Officer Gulch finished tucking her in and silently made his way out of the room. Her bodyguard had been chased by courtiers, hid in the draperies, been knocked out by Glitch, tackled a princess, got lost in her skirts, and danced until dawn. And after all that he'd still had to carry his charge back to her room and wage war against the Evil Corset. Her hero, she giggled as she drifted off to sleep.

_She was in the cave again. It was dark and she was alone, all alone. She didn't want to walk this tunnel, didn't want to approach the creepy face in the rock that sent chills down her spine, she tried so hard to stop. Too late, she'd been seen. The witch was cackling maliciously as she drew closer and closer and...Officer Gulch fell off his perch on the ceiling and squashed the evil old bat flat._

_"Sorry?" said the bewildered looking Othersider._

_Azkadellia laughed. The sound rang out and burst through the walls, her dream shifted and coalesced into magical waters, sunshine and butterflies._

Curled up in bed, still dressed in her slightly mangled finery, the eldest princess of the O.Z. smiled in her sleep.


	10. Dwarves

_Disclaimer: Quality Control deemed my original disclaimer to be "creepy" (I thought it was funny) and as I am rushing to make my internet window all I can say is: I don't own Tin Man._

_Author's Note: So my mother has known for all of a week that I like to write stories and post them online, but she told the neighbour with whom we currently reside this as if it is a long time pastime of mine that she knows all about. I have this sudden horribly premonition of this going on the Christmas letter, or worse, being mentioned in the presence of my brother. I can already hear the mockery. Sigh._

* * *

...

Azkadellia decided she was going to name her protection detail after the seven munchkins in that 'fairy tail' DG had once told her to fight off nightmares. Dawkins could be Doc, Sneezy was definitely the one Deeg was sure had 'allergies', Grumpy was the short, stocky Gillikin, Happy and Bashful she'd designate at a later date, Dopey was their opinion of Officer Gulch, and Sleepy is what they'd all be feeling if they didn't start showing some respect.

"Don't know why they thought it was a good idea to put an Othersider in charge of a royal protection unit," griped the one she'd labelled as Grumpy, "The man is so busy figuring out his head from his tail that it's a wonder he's able to watch the eldest princess at all."

Crouched silently in her hiding place, the aforementioned princess' eyes narrowed dangerously as her hand started to glow ominously.

"He's a nice enough fellow," Doc, er, Dawkins interjected mildly, "Means well and works hard, when he's not tripping over his own feet that is," he finished wryly.

"Right into the princess' skirts!" chortled the one henceforth to be known as Happy, "Poor Old Gulchy."

_Selecting target_, thought Azkadellia.

"Well he seems to have done ok so far," opined the default Bashful.

"Wh-wh-WHATCHOO, excuse me. Why yes, he has been in charge for almost a month and the princess is still alive," replied Sneezy with just a hint of sarcasm.

"Only because the Tin Man shot the assassin," Grumpy remarked drily.

_Target found._

"I'm not saying I don't like the man," the Gillikin continued, "He quite pleasant, polite even, I just don't know if he's cut out for the job, Otherside raised as he was. Doesn't know all the dangers and such like, could get someone killed, probably himself."

"Hey Az! Whatcha doing?" the voice of the Crown Princess suddenly chimed out, causing the eldest princess and her entire protection detail jump in surprise.

"Shhh!" hissed Azkadellia, "You're going to let them know I'm here."

"Shouldn't they know where you are?" inquired the Tin Man who inevitable followed in DG's wake, "They are your bodyguards after all."

"I'm under Officer Gulch's care right now."

"And he'd be where?" asked an amused DG as she peered into the kitchen at the gathering of red-faced guards.

"Fixing himself a snack."

All five members of the eldest princess' protection detail turned their heads in comic unison towards the pantry from which their disgruntled looking commander had just emerged with a laden tray of sandwiches, fruit and juice. Ignoring his chagrined subordinates, Gulch made his way over to the where the princesses were crouched on the back stairs.

"Want an apple?" he asked Azkadellia, apparently deciding to take the high road and pretend that he hadn't just heard the less than complimentary conversation.

Accepting the offering absently, Az was far more preoccupied with glaring at her bodyguards as they attempted to slide unobtrusively from the room.

"That gonna be a problem?" queried Cain, adding a stern glance of his own.

Sighing, the policeman pondered this for a moment before replying, "Not as long as they do their job, and I think they will," he said with a meaningful glance at the still glaring Tin Man, "I'll just have to do things the hard way for a while. Rome wasn't built in a day."

"Didn't it fall in one, though?" DG asked mischievously.

"Aren't you supposed to be gone on some trip?" a scowling Gulch fired back.

Laughing DG reassured him, "We just came to say farewell for the present. Do not fear, we shall soon be out of your hair."

"That's what people are always telling me and yet you keep coming back," the cop muttered, "You're like that blasted cat."

Taking a bite of her apple, Azkadellia puzzled over the exchange, this was the second time Gulch had likened DG to a cat. She didn't get it.

"Oh come on Gulch," retorted a grinning Deeg, "you know you luuuuv me."

Azkadellia choked on her apple. Officer Gulch looked like a deer caught in the headlights as he tried to split his attention between ascertaining if his charge would need the Heimlich manoeuvre and determining if Cain was going to shoot him. Fortunately DG reached up and had the Tin Man lower the gun.

Handing the eldest princess his juice, the cop stated dryly, "Oh yes, I love near death experiences, I don't know what I do without you constantly providing them. You know how I really love you though? _Far away_. And would _please_ explain to your Tin Man the concept of a joke," he finished in exasperation as Cain's revolver left the holster once more.

Still laughing, the Crown Princess reassured herself that her sister really was okay, gathered up her Tin Man and left. Officer Gulch, meanwhile, sat down on the step and observed his charge.

"You don't really love DG do you?" Azkadellia forced herself to ask when she finally recovered from her coughing fit.

"Like the sister I thank God every night that I do not have," the cop replied fervently.

Pondering this, Az decided it was acceptable. It would be so inconvenient if Cain felt it necessary to shoot her Othersider, and, all things considered, Gulch and DG having a sibling-like relationship was a good thing. In fact, she considered as she took another bite of apple, that would be about perfect. Now all she had to do is get the munchkins' tails in line. Or was it dwarves?


	11. Rumours

_Disclaimer: I do not claim the Tin Man but I do not disclaim my plot._

_Author's Note: To those of you who say I am spoiling you with my near daily updates: enjoy it while it lasts. This is possible because I started myself out three chapters ahead and for a while the crap weather allowed me sufficient time of to maintain this margin – that has not been the case the last couple of days. I am doing my best, however, to make sure every time I post a chapter I have another chapter ready to send to Quality Control. It'd be a shame to waste the internet window._

_PS Quality Control's response to this one: this is very short. All I can say is she is not wrong. On the other hand, so are a lot of the others._

* * *

...

Azkadellia was well aware of the rumours. They were, quite frankly, unavoidable at this juncture. With DG and her Tin Man gone off to the Northern Island more than a week since, the stress had been building and she only had one available source of relief. Which meant that...Officer Gulch had gone this way hadn't he?

Grumpy cursed quietly as the eldest princess abruptly altered course while behind them Bashful hastened to catch up.

Fifteen minutes later Gulch was found sitting at a table in a large, disused storage room, cleaning his gun. Az was momentarily puzzled at how ordinary the activity seemed then she realized that was because it lacked the menace the Tin Man usually lent to the task. Then again, on the rare occasion Cain cleaned his revolver in public, _menace_ was exactly the image the Tin Man intended to instil.

The policeman made no comment as his charge slipped into the room and seated herself beside him. He merely set down his rag and endeavoured to figure out how to reassemble his gun one-handed.

Continuing her early thoughts, the princess did understand that it looked odd for a princess to be running about holding her bodyguard's hand, but really, how many formerly possessed princesses did anyone know? She was bound to have...what was it DG had called them? Oh, yes, _issues_.

She didn't like to think of Deeg at the Northern Island, Az mused inwardly as Gulch gave up the struggle and had her help him hold some of the gun parts in her free hand, her sister had _died_ there. Of course, that _had_ been at the hands of the Sorceress aka Azkadellia so she should be perfectly safe this time around. Not to mention Cain was with her.

Then again, last time the Tin Man had been in the Northern Palace he'd fallen she didn't know how many stories out a window into the frozen lake. Okay, not fell, _got shot_. The eldest princess still wanted to know how he survived, though she was exceedingly glad he did. Probably realized DG was in danger, put a bullet in Death and used his sickle to climb out of the hole in the ice, she decided as her Othersider took the reassembled gun out of her hand and holstered it.

Anyhow, she did wish the malicious tongues would stop trying to start a scandal. Cain followed DG everywhere – and she did mean everywhere, they'd tested him once – and nobody made any snide remarks about that. Granted, the Tin Man would shoot anyone that tried. It was not Azkadellia's fault that she was forced to constantly track down her chief bodyguard. Cain never left Deeg's side because he trusted no one but himself to keep her safe, Gulch, meanwhile, had an annoying faith in his underlings' ability to perform their duties. Thus it was that he'd set up alternating eight hour shifts that he scrupulously scheduled so that everyone got an even amount of night rotations, himself included. This meant that of the fifty-six hours of the week he was her acting bodyguard, Azkadellia was asleep for at least sixteen of them. Unacceptable.

Inner monologue continuing as the – currently off-duty – bodyguard in question stood and helped her to her feet, Az comforted herself with the notion that as near as she could tell, the ill-willed gossip mongers were so far having extreme difficulty getting a true scandal going. There was plenty of precedence after all; she'd been seen holding Gulch's hand since before the ball, there was no reason to talk just because these occurrences were no longer diluted by DG's presence. The palace staff could save those shocked glances that they were currently shooting in the direction of the eldest princess and her Othersider bodyguard, there was nothing going on...

"Hungry?" the unconcerned Gulch asked with a friendly smile as Azkadellia's hand swung gently in his in rhythm to their stride.

...no matter how much she might wish there were.


	12. Midnight Conversations

_Disclaimer: I do not own Tin Man but I warn you, if you try to stop me Azkadellia is likely to hunt you down and rip out your brain. She really, really, really wants her story told._

_Author's Note: Sometimes I just have no idea where a chapter is going to go when I sit down and write it. I mean, I think I do, but really I don't. Also, I think that Gulch's mom and my mom went to the same school of mothering. I definitely recognize these punishments._

* * *

...

Azkadellia woke with the inevitable silent scream shattering the serenity of her night. Shooting up in her bed clutching her heart, the formerly possessed princess struggled to catch her breath. She had managed to go almost three weeks without nightmares this time, long enough that she had begun to hope that she was finally putting them behind her. Not so, it seemed. This time she had...she'd ordered...Flinging back the covers, the eldest princess threw herself out of the bed, and all but ran across the room.

It wasn't until she was halfway through the act of opening the door that Az remembered that DG wasn't at Finaqua, she was still at the Northern Island overseeing its restoration. _Probably should have realized_, Azkadellia thought, she always slept worse when Deeg was away.

Outside in the hallway, Officer Gulch turned at the sound of the opening door.

The eldest princess stared at her Othersider bodyguard in surprise – she hadn't realized he was scheduled for today's night duty, had someone swapped shifts? – then she launched herself forward once more.

"Can't sleep?" Gulch asked the princess that had firmly attached herself to his arm.

Az shuddered. "Nightmares," she replied tremulously.

"Ah." Tugging gently on their bound hands, the cop started slowly down the hall. "That bad?" he murmured as Azkadellia's hand trembled in his.

"I was ripping Ambrose's brain out again," his charge informed him. Gulch careened off a passing doorway and Az realized suddenly that while she'd told him of the Royal Advisor's condition she'd kept her involvement quiet. Until now, that is. Glancing anxiously at her bodyguard's face she was not terribly surprised to see him blinking his way through damaging fact assimilation. The eldest princess was beginning to expect this reaction, odd as it was. Caught up in the surreal feeling that accompanies the midnight hours, the former Sorceress suddenly had the urge to test how far his acceptance went – within reason, of course. "The witch wanted it to run a machine to fix the eclipse in place and blot out the suns."

Officer Gulch deftly caught the hall table he'd knocked over and set it uprights again. "Seems an odd thing to do, why?" he queried.

"She wanted to bring eternal darkness to the O.Z."

Tilting his head to the side, the cop considered this. "That would be the insanity talking," he remarked, "always suspected as much. She didn't happen to spend a lot of time conversing with the voices in her head did she?"

The eldest princess' lip twitched. "Why yes, but that would have been me she was speaking to," she pointed out.

"Huh," grunted the Othersider, "Well that's a switch. Usually when people are hearing little voices it's not the voice of sanity and reason they're chatting to. Shame she didn't listen."

_This_, Azkadellia thought, _is a really bizarre conversation, _and just _where_ were they going? She did not have to wait long to find out. Turning a corner and passing through a low doorway, Officer Gulch led his charge into the comfy confines of the servant's kitchen. Guiding the eldest princess to a chair by the well-used wooden table, the cop placed her hand on the tabletop with a comforting pat and strode purposely off into the darkness of the pantry.

Left alone in the shadowy room, Az started to feel anxious as the tendrils of her dream which had been held at bay by her bodyguard's presence began to creep back in on her. Fidgeting uneasily, the princess was just about to follow after him when a loud crashing sound came from somewhere in his vicinity.

"Oh for the love of gophers," her Othersider was heard to exclaim.

Azkadellia relaxed as more rattling and banging chased away the oppressive silence.

"Come on you great lump of...ouch! Oh sure, _now_ you light," Gulch's mutter carried back to his charge.

The princess smiled, the dark kitchen really was quite homey.

A great deal of clattering later, Officer Gulch reappeared sucking contemplatively on one of his burned fingers and carrying a steaming mug of something. Leaning forward curiously as he set it down in front of her, Az discovered that her bodyguard had made her a cup of warmed milk.

"It should help," Gulch said as the Azkadellia looked up at him curiously, "Mom always used to give it to me when I couldn't sleep as a child."

Reaching out for the mug, the princess asked tentatively, "What was your mother like?"

"My mother," the cop replied wistfully, flushing slightly under Az's scrutiny, "would have told the witch to play nice with the other kids and grounded her for a week. Would have made her clean out the barn, too."

Surprised by the sudden image this presented, Azkadellia choked on her milk.

Handing her a napkin, Gulch continued wryly, "Not much point to grounding a farm kid, we generally aren't going anywhere anyhow."

Sitting back sipping her milk, the princess considered this new information as her bodyguard went to clean up the mess he had made. At least she assumed that's what he was doing, from the noise he was making it was possible he'd decided dismantling the kitchen was a fun night time activity. Az wondered what other chores the late Mother Gulch would have made the wicked witch do in order to teach her manners. Chop wood? Milk cows? Shovel grain?

"Run laps around the yard," Mama Gulch's son replied when the princess asked him as he escorted her back to her room.

Azkadellia burst out laughing. Crawling into bed after wishing her Othersider goodnight, the formerly possessed princess fell asleep with the amusing image of the witch, her robes hiked up to her knees as she chased a chicken, dancing in her head.


	13. Beautiful Words

_Disclaimer: You know what? I think I am going to claim Officer Gulch. He's mine, mine I tell you. I think...oh hi Azkadellia. Whatcha doing? Uh...why's your hand glowing? Eheheheh. *Runs away screaming 'Don't shrink me!'* Ok fine! I don't own Officer Gulch or any other Tin Man character, or Tin Man itself. Happy now?_

_Author's Note: Sorry about the delay but the chapters that correspond with 'Otherside Encounter' are exceedingly difficult to write and work was not cooperating. Obviously I burned through my buffer zone before I could get this chapter on track. I had to send two potential beginnings to the Story Graveyard before I this one presented itself to me while I was sweeping off the foundation. A plus side to the whole work issue is that I got squirrelly enough that I managed to not only convince mom to hook me up with an internet connection in our current domicile, but I also managed to negotiate weekends off with dad. He probably won't hold with that bargain too well but at least now I've got a good platform to argue from (at the top of my voice, which tends to get very high when volume increases – dad's fault, directly inherited that from him, could always hear him in the stands at my hockey games, my voice, however, goes so high only the dogs can hear me)._

* * *

...

Azkadellia would be among the first to admit that they were not having a good day. She and three of the people she cared most about in the entire O.Z. had, after all, been dropped to the bottom of Finaqua Lake in the apparently rudimentary prototype invention of Ambrose sometimes Glitch and always dubiously recovered headcase. The enclosed space left the armed Tin Man as twitchy as hell, her Othersider bodyguard looked like he wanted to crawl through the radio and beat the zipperhead senseless, and Az had just learned that she'd turned her formerly fearless little sister into a claustrophobic. Definitely not a good day.

But it got _even_ _better_. Officer Gulch's solution to the slightly crazed claustrophobic Cain with a gun problem had nearly gotten DG squished which resulted in the policeman being shot in the butt. Az was graciously willing to forgive the Tin Man this offence due to mitigating circumstances. Besides, the miniaturized bullet didn't seem to have done much damage and it was not like they didn't have bigger things to worry about. Such as the limited and ever decreasing oxygen supply. Deeg had answer for that one as well, one that seemed to promise that Azkadellia was about face an unpleasant death all alone, trapped in a machine far too reminiscent of one of the Sorceress' favourite torture devices. This all being so, one needed to be able to tap into the heavenly chorus currently playing on repeat in the eldest princess' head in order to understand why she was so unbelievably _happy_ at this particular moment.

_"Oh no you don't,"_ Gulch had exclaimed, hastily grabbing her wrists in order to prevent her doing the same to him after she'd magically sent the shrunken and protesting DG and Cain away, _"I'm your bodyguard which means I don't go anywhere without you, it would be a dereliction of duty unbefitting of a Kansas policeman. You may shrink me if you like, to conserve oxygen, but I'm not leaving you here alone."_

Staring at the Othersider in shock as his words bounced about in her head, she was once again struck by the recognition of that same instinct that had so blindsided her the first day they'd met. The one she saw in Cain as he revolved around DG everyday but that had never, until that moment, been focused on her. If you die, I die, the cop had basically said, much as the Tin Man would be bellowing at DG if she'd ever tried to send him off to safety without her. Though Cain would probably phrase it more along the lines of 'you die over my dead body' and even then the Tin Man would in all likelihood figure something out, not being one to think in terms of his princess dying.

"You alright, Princess?" Gulch asked.

Thoughts interrupted and shifting course abruptly, said princess could only respond with a confused, "Pardon?"

"Well you've been using a lot of magic today. If you were DG, Cain would be having a fit by now, checking your blood sugar and shoving instaglucose down your throat. Are you getting drained?"

Officer Gulch, it seemed, was also not thinking in terms of his charge dying. If he was worried about whether she'd depleted herself magically he must be planning on making it out of here alive. She knew from DG's experience this would be a far less painful way to go than suffocation. A little drunken-like behaviour followed by coma and death sounded a lot better than your lungs burning as your body keeps screaming at you that it needs to get rid of the carbon dioxide which you can't get rid off because there is too much in the air you're breathing. The only advantage to the suffocation route is it gave her more time to work on her Things to Do Before I Die list, not that there was much you _could_ do when trapped in a metal box at the bottom of a lake with only your bodyguard for company...

Her explanation for why she was fine after tossing so much magic around while DG would be down for the count and requiring her Tin Man's attention in the same circumstances seemed to have jogged something in the Othersider's brain, however, as she found her thoughts once more being interrupted as Gulch instructed absently, "Princess, could you get Glitch on the mike? I have an idea."

This, unfortunately, was easier said than done as the advisor was apparently Ambrose at present, who screamed like a little girl when he heard Azkadellia's voice in the radio. The formerly possessed princess was getting a bit tired of that reaction. Fortunately Gulch took over communications and handed her the much simpler task of removing the paneling from the front of the cabin. Hand glowing as she let the light flow with the ease of long practice, Az even took the time to arrange the panels, nuts and bolts into neatly organized piles.

The look on the cop's face when he was reminded that there were alternatives to physical grunt work when removing obstacles was one she happily saved away for later study. Perhaps this day was not so bad after all and she could look forward to future exciting adventures. Then she learned how her bodyguard planned to get them out of this one.

Staring at the mess of wires, metal parts and whirring gears, holding a miniaturized Officer Gulch carefully in her hands, Azkadellia queried worriedly, "Are you sure about this?" She really wished he was big enough for her to hold his hand right now.

"Doesn't matter if I'm not, I'm the only one here," he replied.

"I wish we'd thought of this before we sent Cain away." Az wanted to bite her tongue off even as she said the words. It was utterly selfish of her to contemplate endangering Deeg's Tin Man just because she didn't want to do the same to her Othersider.

"Sure, send a claustrophobic man through the cramped inner workings of a machine, and they say you're not evil anymore," Gulch rejoined sarcastically. Oddly enough, the words didn't hurt her the way her own thoughts had. Despite an eternity of being wounded by what malicious or careless tongues uttered, Azkadellia took the cop's joke in exactly the spirit it had been meant. It had been a pointed reminder of just what she had suggested but it had been leavened with humour. There had been no barb to the words because the princess knew the cop would never intentionally cause her harm. This was, after all, the man who'd insisted on making sure his charge survived even though he'd recently learned that she'd once locked her kid sister in a marble sarcophagus and left her to die. Az sometimes had the feeling that she could waltz into the room and inform him that she'd just come back from bathing in the villagers' blood and Gulch's only response, once he got over the bewildered statue phase, would be to hand her a towel.

Then Officer Gulch did something she _really_ wasn't expecting.

"Sorry, I forget," he muttered apologetically.

The former evil dictator Sorceress had to work very hard not to squash her bodyguard at that moment as the overwhelming urge to give the Othersider the biggest hug the O.Z. had ever seen came over her. _Sorry, I forget_._ I forget, I forget, I forget_. The words wove into her like the two suns had not just broke through the clouds but utterly decimated them, shining so brightly that even the deepest, darkest corner of her mind was illuminated in the warmest, friendliest glow. He _forgot_. She had spent fifteen years of her life under the heel of a being who'd ripped apart everything she'd loved, tortured every decent person she could get her hands on, and brought pain to all that was within her reach. With Azkadellia's own hands the witch had rained darkness down upon the O.Z. She had, the witch had, Azkadellia had performed deeds and compounded horror upon horror that to this day sent the eldest princess screaming from her sleep to remember. And no one let her forget it. Even over a year and a half past the eclipse she heard the whispers, the suspicion, the hatred, and the pain. It echoed through the halls in her wake. Love her though he did, even her father sometimes flinched at the little reminders of the Sorceress Azkadellia couldn't help but bring him. The shadow of her past hung so heavily over her that at times she wondered how anyone could see her through the gloom. And it meant so little to Officer Gulch that he forgot.

The only person Gulch saw when he looked in Azkadellia's direction was Azkadellia.

"Alright let's get this over with," her little hero said as he climbed into the machinery.

The eldest princess, filled with the happiest of warm glows, believed for the briefest of minutes as she relayed instructions from Glitch to help Gulch navigate his tiny way to the pilot's seat that nothing could block out the sunlight currently filling her. Then the cop started bellowing.

"Oh come on!" the Othersider protested "Chompers, the bloody headcase put in fu...fudging chompers! Not even low budget science fiction shows use that one anymore!"

"You mean the pistons?" the princess asked, trying to identify the problem from the latest sequence of directions. She wished she could see him.

There was a momentary pause then her bodyguard groaned, "_Please_ tell me that the next direction wasn't..."

"Go through the pistons," the princess confirmed unhappily. Azkadellia was not mechanical; when she wanted a machine to work she went to the people who knew those things. Usually to the Royal Advisor in point of fact, or to half his brain in a jar, whichever happened to be available at the time. Piston was a word she only vaguely understood, but she was fairly certain they were a moving part, and if they were a moving part that meant...

"Do I at least get some sort of sequence? Or do I have to wing it?" Gulch's question interjected.

Conveying this to the inventor she got an affirmative response. "There's a sequence," she assured her bodyguard and nervously prepared for what was to come. The princess had never wished for an alternative so much in her life, she even returned to thought of performing a bodyguard substitution. The Tin Man seemed so much less squishable than her Othersider. Officer Gulch probably wouldn't have that, though, and so Az crossed her fingers as Deeg had once shown her and hoped that the sun would keep on shining.

The problem with people whose brains had spent a great deal of time in a glass jar, however, is that they have certain _quirks_. The eldest princess realized the advisor was in the middle of one of his about the same time as she heard Gulch's alarmed yell. She may not know what exactly was happening but she had a pretty good guess. "_Glitch!_" Azkadellia screeched, trying to shake the headcase out of it.

"Go now, go now, go now, go now," the glitching headcase repeated endlessly as Az started ripping at the circuitry with her fingers, desperate to get at her bodyguard. "_Stop!"_ hollered the zipperhead, pulling himself together far too late.

"Officer! Officer Gulch!" the princess cried out. _Oh please,_ she silently begged anyone that would listen, _oh please let him be ok. I'll even take slightly mangled; as long as he's alive I can put him back together later._

"I'm OK," a beautiful voice informed her. He sounded a bit laboured but breath was life and talking was breath so he was alive. And he was ok, he'd said so. Everything would be fine.

Sinking to the floor in relief, Azkadellia let out a shaky breath. She was contemplating crying. Then as the realization that her Othersider truly had made it through alive really began to sink in the princess reacted as anyone who had had someone they cared about threatened would – she slingshotted right into rage at the one who had caused it. "I'm. Going. To. Kill. Him," she snarled.

"I think that line is getting pretty long at this point," was the weary reply.

"Fine, then I'm ripping his brain back out." Az was never one for violence, she'd seen far too much of it in her life, at this particular moment, however, she was angry enough to think about it. Besides, if Gulch was in line to kill Glitch he really did have dibs.

The cop's thoughts did not seem to be particularly violent at the moment, though, perhaps because he had other things to worry about. Sighing, he merely replied mildly, "If it makes you feel better. Could you wait, though, until he can get me out of the machinery and into the pilot's chair so that we can get back to the surface?"

Azkadellia found that she could. Some half an hour later her anger at Glitch was momentarily forgotten as she reintroduced herself to the wonder that was open air and sunlit skies. It was almost the most beautiful thing she'd ever seen. She bet that DG would like to see it, too. Waving her hands to retrieve her sister and the Tin Man, Az thought that maybe, just maybe, she'd be able to forgive the headcase, give him an all's well that ends well pass.

Observing the soaked and freezing stated of DG and Cain when they arrived, however, the eldest princess promptly tossed her thoughts of forgiveness straight out the window. Apparently the Sorceress had forgot to turn the rain off the last time she'd been torturing her mother which meant that during the hours the advisor had spent trying to get Gulch mushed, he'd been endeavouring to give Deeg and the Tin Man hypothermia. The thought wasn't exactly fair but Azkadellia wasn't in the mood at present to be fair. Neither, it seemed, was anyone else.

"Oh dear," said Glitch, rather unwisely drawing attention to himself.

Four pairs of furious eyes turned his way in a rather predatory manner.

"You have until I get her somewhere warm," Cain ground out, ever of the protect first and annihilate later mindset.

"Oh he doesn't have that long," countered Azkadellia, who had just noticed that Gulch was missing a shoe and a fair amount of skin from his left foot and ankle.

"I have a gun right here," offered Gulch, owner of a recently dismantled police cruiser.

DG was too cold for speech so she merely glared and made an unsuccessful attempt to draw Cain's revolver.

Glitch ran for it.

"Come on, Princess," the Tin Man said, leading/carrying DG towards Finaqua Palace, "let's get you warm."

"You know," Officer Gulch said to Princess Azkadellia, "you really should get something to eat."

The furious princess hesitated a moment but her hand already seemed to have found its way into his and it wasn't like they couldn't catch the headcase later. There was even the distinct possibility that the advisor would forget they were mad at him and come back on his own.

_Forget_, she repeated internally, glancing sideways at her bodyguard as her thoughts abruptly shifted onto a different track altogether. For over a year and a half the princess had been living at the fringes of human interaction, she couldn't count how many times she'd heard the complaint that someone had forgotten something. It was supposed to be one of man's besetting sins. Forget, forgot, forgotten, words of annoyance, words of anger, words of sadness, regret and occasionally forgiveness, hardly ever happy, but to her perhaps the most beautiful words of all.


	14. Arrested Development

_Disclaimer: Like the cows I had chase last night, I do not own Tin Man._

_Author's Note: Sorry once again for the delay but someone kicked my muse in the head so I gave her the night off then dad thought it'd be funny to make me work five straight eleven and twelve hour days. To let you know how those days went, let's just say that on Tuesday they tried to drop a wall on my head, fortunately my reflexes and my muscles were up to the task of catching said wall. I like my head in its malfunctional but intact state. Needless to say I was a bit too tired to write. And then when I go down to the kitchen to grab a cup of juice before writing this chapter I happen to spy a dozen cows roaming across the garden. Chasing cows, my eternal at home stay in shape plan; tonight I shall dream of barbeques._

_PS I am so glad my 93 year old neighbour did not get up in middle of the night and find me sitting in her porch, in the dark, with only the light of the computer on my lap, cause that's not creepy at all._

* * *

...

Azkadellia narrowed her eyes fractionally and angled her head in a marginal forward tilt. The tavern owner's fidgeting ceased abruptly as the eldest princess of the O.Z. pinned him with a rather unnerving glare. It was amazing how easy it was to catch someone's full and complete attention, actions of dire consequence were completely optional. Az wondered briefly why the evil old bat had never added a good glower to her threat tool box, the witch had always seemed stick to talking sickeningly sweet before sucking out one's soul. Glaring was much more efficient and even gave the barkeep an opportunity to repair his grave error.

He wanted to arrest her Othersider. The nerve.

It had been such a long day, too. Following the debacle that was Ambrose's submarine, Azkadellia's first order of business, after soup, blankets and watching Glitch being suspended in a tree, was to march on down to the guardhouse for a little chat. It was time to rectify some nay-saying opinions regarding one Officer Gulch. _Take that Grumpy_, the eldest princess had thought triumphantly as she watched her protection detail digest the story of their commander's feats of bravery. Too busy figuring out his head from his tail to watch the princess indeed.

Then DG had burst into the room, almost falling over with laughter as she informed the gathered company that Gulch had just been arrested for forgetting to pay for beer.

A shocked silence had followed this pronouncement, but the second the princesses exited the room uproarious howls of glee were to be heard.

"Wa...wa..._watchooo_...way to go Old Gulchy!" they'd heard Sneezy crow behind them, to the further merriment of the guards. Azkadellia was also fairly certain they'd followed behind and hid themselves in the gallery above the Great Hall in order to observe the Othersider's encounter with the law.

Wyatt Cain was in the middle of explaining the adventures of the day when the princesses arrived on the scene. Gulch, meanwhile, was staring morosely at his cuffed hands and inserting the odd apology into the dialogue whenever he got the chance. Az was a bit indignant about that, handcuffing the Othersider was _her_ privilege. She would have to explain that to the Tin Man later.

The being that seemed to consider himself the aggrieved party was looking considerably baffled by Cain's account of the day's events. He'd just come to pursue his rights under the law against a man who'd run off with an entire crate of his finest beer without paying. The tavern keeper certainly never expected to find out that someone could have a day so bad that the basic rules of commerce could be forgotten. Then DG started in with her assurances that yes, a day could really be that horrible and the barman looked appropriately chastened.

He still hadn't withdrawn the charges, though. Which was where Azkadellia's glare came in; she really couldn't have the Tin Man arresting Officer Gulch. That would be all the excuse daddy needed to send the Othersider back to Kansas. The Consort had been muttering lately about how much he'd like to tell the cop that he'd violated probation and would have to be sent back where he came from. It was not to be allowed, Az wouldn't have it.

"My bodyguard," the eldest princess stated in a voice of crisp, regal command, "has spent the day being shot, shrunken, nearly squished, battered and bruised, all in the line of duty and with determined intent to keep me alive. I do not approve of the toxic, mind numbing substances you pander onto the unsuspecting public but if anyone deserves a break, he does. If alcohol is his choice of relaxation then the least you could do as a loyal citizen of the realm is to supply it," she finished, intensifying her glare in a manner that caused the tavern keeper's face to go white.

"Hey now," Officer Gulch objected, "no need to take that tone. The man's in the right, it was terribly stupid of me and I am more than willing to pay what I owe."

Incensed that her Othersider was not cooperating in her efforts to keep him out of jail, Azkadellia shifted her glare to her bodyguard.

"Well it's true," Gulch muttered, manfully meeting said gaze.

Hearing muffled chuckles from above, fearing the imminent removal of her bodyguard, Az shot the barkeeper a furious glance.

The man quailed and rushed into speech. "S-sorry Sorce..._ow_," he stuttered, cutting off abruptly as if someone had just trodden very roughly upon his foot, Gulch fidgeted with his handcuffs. "I m-mean Highness. T-take it. Consider it a gift. No," he insisted as the policeman looked likely to demur, "I insist. From what I can tell you deserve it. I wouldn't like to be in your shoes, sounds tough."

Officer Gulch considered this a moment. Casting a glance at the glaring princess, the nervous tavern keeper, and the now silently laughing DG and Cain, he then looked longingly at the crate of beer. "Want one?" he asked the former owner of said beer.

The barkeeper looked mildly affronted by this, but after an anxious peek at the eldest princess he decided that gracious acceptance was the healthiest route to take.

Breaking open the crate, Gulch pitched his voice to carry and asked drily, "Would the Peanut Gallery care for a drink?"

DG snorted as the shamefaced guards made their sheepish way down the stairs. The O.Z. citizens may not understand the reference but they understood the message.

"I'm glad you didn't get squished," Bashful mumbled quietly as he took his beer.

"Everyone got one?" inquired Dawkins, holding up his bottle, "All hail Ol- er, Officer Gulch, who managed not to get squished!"

"All except Dawkins," the annoyed policeman interjected, snatching away the man's beer, "who happens to be on duty right now."

The rest of the guards enjoyed a chuckle at their less fortunate companion's expense. Azkadellia glowered at them all disapprovingly – she'd said _Gulch_ deserved a beer.

"Do _I_ get one?" DG queried archly. Az wondered why she even bothered; the Tin Man would never allow it.

The Othersider's brow furrowed. "It was my intention initially, which just goes to show that I am far too fatigued for intelligent thought. Cain, I hereby put you in charge of my decision making until I have received sufficient sleep."

Lip twitching slightly, the Tin Man replied urbanely, "Fine, you may only have two beers."

"Hey!" the policeman exclaimed, appalled.

"Ha!" DG crowed triumphantly. "Good decision really," she told Az in an aside, "Gulch is a binge drinker, doesn't drink often, but when he does sometimes he drinks a bit _too_ much."

"DG," the cop sniped back, "perhaps you should go down to the kitchen and study the pots and kettles, it should be rather informative."

The youngest princess stuck her tongue out at him. Gulch held up his beer and took a long drink, smacking his lips in satisfaction. Deeg stuck her nose in the air and humphed. Azkadellia looked between the two of them and wondered what they'd been talking about. Alcohol made people act so infantile, she was quite certain she'd never touch the stuff.


	15. Jacket

_Disclaimer: Me no own Tin Man. Me own hypothetical Neanderthal army. Wanna trade?_

_Author's Note: This was supposed to be a fairly short chapter but DG and Gulch just wouldn't shut up. I mean seriously, Azkadellia hardly gets a word in edgewise and Cain all but disappears into the background. Sigh. On the bright side, Officer Gulch has been sticking his nose into Azkadellia's side of the story. That should be good news for some of you, seeing that where Gulch goes, ridiculous situations follow. That comes later, though._

_PS Ever try to dig a trench while balancing a cat on your shoulder? It's harder than you'd think._

* * *

...

Azkadellia was surprised to find she enjoyed the cool confines of the motorcar garage. Seeing as the structure was an afterthought in the construction of Finaqua Palace it had been shoved into the remaining available subterranean space, making it dark, damp, and distinctly cave-like in appearance. The eldest princess didn't like caves as a rule. This, however, was not your ordinary cave; it was, as Deeg had insisted when coaxing her sister into joining her, a man cave. Perhaps that accounted for the somewhat more relaxed feel of the place.

"Coc...kamamie lug nut of a baboon's backside," someone grumbled.

Or perhaps there was another reason she felt so at home amongst the strange metal toolboxes of the work area. Az had been rather surprised when her Othersider requested DG's help in reassembling his cruiser after the Royal Advisor had dared use it for spare parts in building his submarine death machine. One would have thought, as the person that had done the dismantling, that Ambrose would have been the ideal assistant in the reconstruction. Officer Gulch did not agree. In fact his reply had been rather terse on the subject.

"When I want the world's circus of bells and whistles added to my car so that it can actively try to kill me then I'll get the headcase to work on the cruiser. Until then, leave him in the tree!" he had stated emphatically.

DG, Az had vaguely understood and now had sufficient proof of, was a fairly good mechanic. Gulch had muttered something along the lines of she needed to be in order to repair the many dirt bikes she'd trashed in her youth. Azkadellia had no idea what they were doing but their lingo sounded impressive. Well, except when the cop got irritated, then he just spoke nonsense. Deeg had told her, during one of Az's bids to learn all things Gulch, that the late Mr. Gulch had been quite the old-fashioned gentlemen and had raised his son to be polite in the presence of ladies. She wasn't entirely sure how this translated into the nonsense sentences he sometimes used but it apparently did.

"Ouch! Son of a b...abbling brook," Officer Gulch's annoyed mutter carried across the dimly lit workspace, "Cain could you hand me the 5/8 wrench?"

The eldest princess watched with interest as the Tin Man sifted through the tool box for the correct instrument and tossed it under the car for the cop. Cain had been extremely reluctant initially to allow DG to crawl under a car held up by what he considered to be a flimsy jack. The argument had been long and involved and had only ended when an exasperated Gulch had crawled under the car and given it a tremendous boot in order to prove its safety. Perhaps not his best idea ever, given that it had led to another garbled sentence when the cop's stubbed toes protested. He did get his mechanical assistant, however.

The Tin Man, meanwhile, had been relegated to the role of gopher. Azkadellia wasn't entirely sure as to why they were labelling Cain after a small furry rodent but if he could let it pass she could. The eldest princess was fairly certain this was mainly because, besides wanting to keep an eye on DG, the Tin Man was endeavouring to learn as much as he could about the automobile. He hid it well, but it was obvious that Cain was a bit sensitive as to his lack of knowledge on the subject. It wasn't his fault really, the motorcar was still fairly rare in the O.Z., outside of military use, and that near decade in the tin suit wasn't exactly quality learning time. At least not for learning anything besides how much you'd like to kill someone and how long you could last without going insane. Az felt the accustomed twinge of guilt at the notion but was interrupted as her Othersider started muttering again.

"Oh for the love of geese," he grunted in frustration, "Give me a break already. Hey DG, think you could do the glowy shiny hand twirly thing and convince this blasted nut to loosen?"

"Lazy," the youngest princess murmured back as the underside of the cruiser suddenly lit up.

"Not lazy, lacking the correct tools," the cop countered.

"Huh, no kidding," DG snorted, "A socket wrench, a socket wrench, my _kingdom_ for a socket wrench," she intoned.

"Shouldn't say that when you actually have a kingdom to trade, but if that's your going price I happen to have a socket set. A beautiful twenty piece brand spanking new socket set in fact, sitting on my leftmost workbench in the garage just one travel storm away."

Azkadellia tensed in worry. She rarely heard Officer Gulch speak of the Otherside and it scared her every time. What if he decided he wanted to go back?

"I'll be sure to pick it up next time I'm there," the unconcerned Deeg replied.

"Please do, but make sure you steal my keys first, I'd have to claim damages if you busted down my door to get at it."

The sound of a wrench being rapped against knuckles was heard.

"Ouch!" Gulch protested, "Princess Azkadellia would you mind terribly throwing something at Princess DG? I need defended here."

"You're my bodyguard," Az responded, crouching down to observe the Othersider attempting to ward off the laughing, wrench-yielding Deeg, "shouldn't you be doing the fighting?"

"Sure, if I want to get shot. DG's not playing fair."

"Didn't your daddy ever tell you not to hit a lady?" the youngest princess teased, rapping the cop on the knuckles once more.

"True, but he also gave me permission to hit a grease monkey anytime I like," the cop countered.

"Perhaps the children are getting grouchy because it is past their bedtime," Cain broke in from the other side of the car, "maybe you guys should call it a night."

"Can't if we want the cruiser ready for when we set out for Central City in three days," Gulch pointed out.

"We could always take the carriage," suggested Azkadellia.

"Gah," opined the policeman.

"Definitely not," DG stated, instantly refocusing on the car.

"Is there that big of a difference?" inquired Az.

"Just shocks, suspension..." replied Gulch.

"Air conditioning!" crowed DG.

"Once we get it back out of the submarine."

"Why was it in the submarine?"

"No idea," said the Othersider, "You know what we should do; we should send the gofer for some sandwiches."

"Yes!" applauded DG, "I second that motion and would like to add pie to the agenda."

"Motion carried," the policeman stated solemnly, "Cain go for some sandwiches and pie..."

_Oh_, thought Az,_ now I get it_._ Go for – gopher._

"...that is if there is any pie after your last kitchen raid Madame Princess," the cop continued.

"Hey, I wasn't the only one in the kitchen last night," DG returned.

"I wasn't eating every pie in sight," was the argument.

"No, just an entire leg of ham," came the counterargument.

"I didn't eat all of it," Gulch defended.

"Just most of it," asserted the youngest princess.

Cocking his head to see if the Tin Man had left yet, the cop threw a dirty rag at DG. "Bodyguarding is hungry work," he declared.

Azkadellia watched with interest as the two mechanics bickered as they worked. She wasn't entirely sure if they were getting along or not but they seemed to be enjoying themselves. Perhaps this was an Otherside thing. Officer Gulch was apparently often to be found in the kitchen during the midnight hours, it was a shame she'd been sleeping through the nights lately. She stored the information away for later use.

There was still pie to be had, however, and ham, if one were to believe the sandwiches Cain arrived with some fifteen minutes later. As the two combatants crawled out from under the car to partake of the food the eldest princess felt she could take a fairly good stab at the grease monkey reference. Gulch, DG, and/or Ahamo were always a linguistic adventure when they got into conversation, often an incomprehensible one, but given the smear of grease running in a diagonal line from Gulch's forehead to chin and the near facsimile of munchkin war paint that DG had going on, Az was pretty sure she caught the right meaning this time. Five minutes later the food had been demolished and the grease monkeys were looking to get back to work.

"How much of this do you figure is cruiser and how much glitchonomic submarine?" the cop asked, examining a recovered section of submarine.

Az peered at the part in question and shuddered, those appeared to be pistons. She didn't even _want_ to think...huh? The eldest princess' thoughts of near bodyguard squishes were abruptly interrupted as a jacket was settled about her shoulders.

"It's cold down here," Gulch muttered as he wrapped the police jacket around her then headed over to the cruiser.

Blinking rapidly as she watched the policeman crawl back under the car, Azkadellia thought that it was actually rather warm in the machine shop. The garage really was a nice place; they should come here more often. Leaning back comfortably against the wall, Az smiled quietly as she watched the two mechanics argue over where to put another of those strange parts. It was such a friendly atmosphere...

The eldest princess awoke sometime later, tucked comfortably in her bed. Someone had removed her shoes, snapped her corset strings, and, to her utter sleepy delight, left her wrapped in one standard issue police jacket. Smiling dreamily, Azkadellia snuggled further in and fell back asleep.


	16. Fury

_Disclaimer: I do not own Tin Man or the Rihanna song DG is about to massacre, but beware, I have access to drunken princesses and I'm not afraid to use them!_

_Author's Note: I always thought that my Story Graveyard was my pack rat tendencies asserting themselves, turns out it was my practical side. I had so much trouble writing 'Hell Hath No Fury' that its outtakes turned out to be a veritable gold mine. I didn't use much for this chapter, but dang, there is so much potential for future ones. I must say, I spent a good deal of time while writing this thinking 'don't do it Gulch, don't do it! Oh, now look what you did. Tsk.' Poor fellow, but the fates have already spoken, his doom is written on the wall. Eheheheh._

_PS I am now, apparently, a backhoe. Mildly funny joke of my dad's when in context, when out of context I may just have to hit him with a shovel._

* * *

...

Azkadellia was not a happy person. She was the feared and reviled formerly possessed evil Sorceress of the O.Z., her head bodyguard was the world's biggest idiot, and her sister wouldn't let her reprogram her Otherside mommy nurture unit...again. Also, she appeared to be out of beer. It was a vile, loathsome, and repulsive concoction made, according to Ambrose-a-Glitch, from the excretions of bacterium. Foul little beasties, absolutely disgusting substance, she obviously needed more.

The day had given no warning that it was going to turn so sour, treacherous thing. It had actually been a beautiful morning: waking up, watching Gulch entangle himself in a tent as they attempted to break camp, loading into the cruiser, and continuing on their languorous way to Central City in a conveyance much to be preferred to a common carriage. Az completely understood why the Otherside raised members of the party were so set on getting the car fixed in time. Padded seats, good suspension, and air conditioning were not to be sneered at. They even got music, truly an enjoyable time.

They'd made a little side trip to Milltown so that DG could visit with Momster and Popsicle, long since restored from the rewiring the Alchemists had performed on the Sorceress' behalf. Deeg and Az had spent a great deal of time giggling as they observed the bewildered man statue that stood in a corner for an hour straight. Officer Gulch had gotten pretty quick at assimilating what Othersider's considered to be O.Z. weirdness but it seemed that learning two people who had been firmly fixed in his mind as genuine Kansas folk were actually cyborgs in disguise was a bit much for him. Even once he'd recovered he'd continued to look pretty well knocked endwise. At the time Azkadellia had thought it was adorable.

Both DG and Gulch had been in a reminiscent mood when they'd resumed their journey late that afternoon; a round of Tales from the Otherside was inevitable. The eldest princess was fairly certain that if the Tin Man heard many more stories of the truly hair-raising adventures Deeg had gotten up to on that Kansas farm he was going to insist Glitch invent a time machine so that he could go back and ensure that DG truly did make it through childhood intact, evidence to the fact notwithstanding.

"Spencer had the meanest bull you ever did meet in those days," the cop had been saying, "and what does DG do but decide she's going to ride him just like she'd seen in the rodeo that they'd held a few days previous."

While Gulch had detailed his efforts to catch the flying kid in what had been his first meeting with the town's worst troublemaker, Azkadellia had kept an amused eye on Cain in the rear view mirror. His hand had been perceptively twitching towards the pocket she was quite certain he kept his handcuffs in. Az liked to keep track of the Tin Man's handcuffs, in case she ever needed to borrow them.

"Didn't Old Spencer's bull gore you while you were getting me out of the bullpen?" DG had inquired dreamily.

"Just a little," the cop had demurred while Azkadellia'd felt the sudden need for that time machine so that she take care of a certain insolent animal. "Of course, Emily made a fuss," he'd continued absently, "You'd have thought I'd been darn near torn in half the way she went on about that little gash. Made me feel like Hercules, having performed all twelve labours and rescued the princess to boot. Huh," he grunted in surprise, glancing back at DG "I guess I did rescue the princess." Shaking his head he had continued, "I was so fresh out of police academy that I did know what to do with all that gratitude, I practically floated home. Had the biggest crush on Emily for a while after that."

And that right there was the moment the day decided to reveal its true colours. Azkadellia had noted mechanically that DG had looked appalled while Cain had frozen in place and seemed to be trying to avoid notice. The eldest princess didn't have more than perfunctory interest in anyone at that instant, however. Gulch had had a crush on _Emily_; sweet, gentle, motherly, blond, everything-that-Azkadellia-was-not Emily. Az had had enough 'girl talks' with Deeg to understand what a crush was. The world was coming to an end. Then, quite abruptly, she discovered she was rather furious.

"Stop the car," the eldest princess of the O.Z. had commanded.

"Huh? Wha...?" her startled bodyguard had stuttered.

"_Stop. The. Car,_" she'd hissed.

The by then panicking cop, having been alerted of trouble by the expressions on his companions' faces, had stopped the car.

"What's going on...?" he'd started.

"I'm walking," the enraged princess had replied icily, throwing open the door.

"But it's more than a mile to..."

"_I'm walking!_" Azkadellia had screeched, trying to exit the car only to get caught up in the seatbelt her bodyguard had insisted she wear. Slapping aside the hands that had attempted to help her, the princess had blasted the buckle off, flung herself from the car, and slammed the door behind her.

As she'd stormed angrily down the road she'd heard two more doors slam in rapid succession as DG followed her and the Tin Man inevitably followed DG. In that small corner of her mind that wasn't a snarly ball of fury she had wondered briefly why Cain wasn't insisting they get back in the car, they were probably violating all kinds of security protocols. Wyatt Cain, she'd reasoned, was a smart man.

"Officer Gulch had a crush on Momster," Deeg had said in a horrified voice as she'd caught up to Az, "Officer _Gulch_ had a _crush_ on _my mom_. That's so much more wrong than finding out she was a cyborg nurture unit programmed to raise me as her own. Officer Gulch had a crush on my cyborg nurture unit mom!" DG wailed, "Why did he _tell_ us that?"

"Indeed," Azkadellia had gritted out furiously.

The youngest princess' eyes had widened in alarm as she'd looked at her sister's face and she'd dropped back a pace. Watching DG from the corner of her eye, Az had noted that the Tin Man was walking a full ten paces behind and was currently waving the cop off. Wyatt Cain was a _very_ smart man.

The rest of the trip to Central City had been accomplished in stony silence. Sequestering themselves in the Royal Chambers, the sisters had had a roaring argument regarding the reprogramming of one Emily, nurture unit, before their anger had coalesced and focused on its true source. The problem was man, one man in particular, He-Who-Shall-Be-Known-Only-As-Asshole, and for this problem DG had a solution. Just like she'd had an answer as to how they were to sneak past the various protection details and where they were to find a complacent bodyguard for this little excursion. It was amazing how many hidey-holes DG had discovered/rediscovered since her return to the O.Z., and while Ambrose had objected vehemently, Glitch had acquiesced with a simple 'no problem doll'.

They'd been to what? Three bars now? Four? At first Azkadellia had resisted the notion of imbibing in the foul mind poison, so had Ambrose, but when DG slammed the drinks down in front of the them with the words that this was a pity party, everybody had to drink, that angry little voice that had been screaming in her head for some time at that point had insisted that she comply. So she did, as did Glitch. The surrounding company had cheered.

Az had been somewhat surprised when they'd walked into the first bar and half the patrons had abruptly left. The other half had greeted DG joyously and demanded to know if she knew where some Lord Font-a-something had disappeared to. How was Deeg supposed to know that? They'd also wanted to know if she had any new drinking games for them – and just what the heck were those? She soon found out.

They didn't stay too long at that bar, though. DG, the oft pursued quarry of one Wyatt Cain, seemed almost as good at sensing the Tin Man's pursuit as he was at locating her. The only way to keep ahead of him was to keep moving. Shame that, because all of Azkadellia's new friends vanished the instant they heard that a potentially angry Cain was liable to show up at some point, so the three of them had moved on to the next bar on their own, and the next bar, and the next after that. There really was an amazing variety of despicable liquids, and the eldest princess felt that, as long as she was imbibing, she might as well do a thorough job of confirming that they were all dreadful.

"Th' Menash ish shuch an idio'," DG slurred over a mug of Munchkin Brew, "Why 'e hafta telus dat?"

"I dun kno'," Azkadellia wailed back.

"D' men _tink_ we wanna her 'bout gurlfends pasht?" Deeg demanded, "Dat my mudder!"

"Sheno me!"

"Mehn!"

"Mehn!"

"Bashtards!" they chorused in unison, just as their chief bodyguards burst into the bar. "_You!"_ they howled at the sight of the Othersider. Fortunately DG had foreseen this problem.

"Get'im Glitch," commanded the youngest princess.

Azkadellia would like to say that she could watch the alcohol charged, bellowing Glitch hurl himself at her Othersider with equanimity. Unfortunately under the rage and drunkenness a tiny voice pointed out that she didn't actually want the cop to be injured. Oddly enough this only served to enrage her further, so when Deeg grabbed her hand to make good their escape, Az went. The eldest princess was, to put it mildly, an angry drunk.

Thing was, the blasted men had the nerve to follow them. The drunken princess did wish the world would stop swimming about so that she could run properly. They were going to catch up. Passing a crate of what appeared to be spoiled cabbage Azkadellia had an idea how to level the playing field. Waving her hand with rather more force than she would have used sober, the incensed princess sent the crate hurtling back to crash into Officer Gulch. The cop staggered, recovered, and kept coming.

DG crowed with laughter and followed suit, flinging a refuse container at their pursuers and actually managing to clip both of them. Cain was heard to curse. Gulch was full swing into nonsense sentences. The battle was on as the drunken princesses continued on their unsteady way, throwing any loose object they passed in the direction of their bodyguards, DG even started singing breathlessly.

"...brea'ing dishesh on'is 'ead all nigh' all nigh'," the youngest princess garbled as she sent assorted trash in a wide sweep behind them, "gonna figh' a man tanigh', gonna figh' a man tanigh'."

The trash nearly knocked Gulch off his feet but the stubborn jerk just kept moving. It was infuriating and yet somewhere deep, deep down she was glad. Somehow, the eldest princess felt, it would be much worse if the Othersider stopped chasing them.

The patrons of the rundown bar DG steered them towards stared as the princesses burst into their midst with the Tin Man and the cop barrelling right in after them.

"Alright, Princesses, that's enough," the Tin Man began sternly but they really had no time for him.

Whipping around, hands clasping as their attention honed in on the cause of their upset, the princesses cried out as one, "_Asho'!_"

"What did I do?" was the exasperated and infuriating reply.

DG's eyes narrowed. "You 'ave to _ashk_?" she hissed as Azkadellia decided to put her glare to use.

"Yes," Gulch snapped back, "because I have no idea and I am frankly tired of getting pounded on because you two decided to get all hor..."

"Gulch!" Cain warned desperately. Smart, smart man that Cain.

"...monal on me over nothing."

And that really was the last straw. Azkadellia growled and sorted through her rather impressive repertoire for a suitable punishment.

"Tha's it! I'ma suckin' out 'is shoul," cried DG, in a horrible breech of etiquette.

"You canna 'ave 'is shoul, is mine," Azkadellia snarled in reminder, "You ca' shuck ou' Cain's."

"I'ma no' shuckin' ou' Cain's shoul," DG fired back, instantly diverted, "I like't inna'ts 'riginal packagin'."

"You shayin' 'ere's shometin' wrong wif Gulsch's package?" Az demanded indignantly. She was really getting tired of everyone belittling Gulch. It was time she set some people straight.

"I woul'n kno'," Deeg returned slyly, much to her sister's puzzlement. What did she mean by that? That was one of those say one thing, mean something else tones.

"Look Princess, Princesses," Gulch said shifting forward, ignoring the Tin Man's attempts to hush him, "I don't know what I did or said to make you angry but..."

Eyes narrowing, hands glowing, the sisters' attention snapped back to the source of their ire. _Oh right_, thought Azkadellia,_ mad at the asshole._

"Course 'e don' kno'," the eldest princess muttered bitterly, "Nee'sit shpelled ou' for'im." Seriously, was he _blind_?

"Wif'a dickshionary... anna map," the youngest princess added. _Perhaps an interpreter, too,_ Az added mentally.

"Okaaay," the cop said, stepping forward again.

_Wait for it_.

"Why don't you..."

Boom!

_Got'im, _Azkadellia cheered internally as the magical blast created by Gulch's contact with the sister's light shield hurled him across the room.

"Yesh!" crowed DG, holding her hands up in a victory celebration.

"Ooof," gasped Azkadellia as someone abruptly rearranged the universe.

"Wheeee!" exclaimed DG from somewhere nearby.

"Wha's hap'nin'?" The room was swinging about wildly and the floor seemed to have turned into a wall.

"Magi'al Cain ride. Wheee!" cheered Deeg.

Well that would explain why Azkadellia was getting a rather up-close look at a fine example of the male buttock. _Mustn't look_, she thought fuzzily, _property of DG._ Scrambling for purchase to rearrange her view, Az came across an extremely familiar object in a nearby pocket. _Ah ha! Clickety clickety clack, the bodyguard won't come back!_

Craning his neck to identify the source of the noise, the Tin Man sighed.

"Just let me get them back to the palace, Gulch. I'll try to sober up DG and get the keys out of her," Cain said with a resigned glance at the now bound cop.

"Don't you have the keys on you?" the policeman asked hopelessly, tugging on the cuffs holding him.

"I'm willing to bet I don't." And with that the Tin Man walked out of the bar, hauling the princesses with him.

"Wai'!" Azkadellia protested, switching drunken mental tracks, "Yush leavin' Gulsch b'ind."

"Kind of have to, Your Highness."

"Whyyyy?" she wailed.

"Because you chained him to a barstool," Cain explained patiently.

"An'e's an asho'," DG elaborated.

"Ishnot!" Az objected vehemently, "Gulschish da on'y fello' 'round notta 'fraid o' me."

"Oh he's afraid of you all right," opined the Tin Man.

"Ishnot! Dun care 'bout anyting da Sorsheresh do. A'ways binkin', ne'er scarin'."

"Ish troo," asserted Deeg.

"Officer Gulch is not the least bit concerned about the Sorceress, what he is worried about is Princess Azkadellia, who he fears as any sane man will fear a woman," Cain replied.

"Dasha gud ting," the youngest princess volunteered.

Struck by this, Azkadellia attempted to crane around to look at the Tin Man. Unfortunately, to do this she had to plant her hands in hazardous territory and abruptly lost her purchase when DG slapped them proprietarily away from the forbidden buttock. The eldest princess overbalanced wildly, slipping further over Cain's shoulder, causing the Tin Man to grunt with the effort to keep her from falling. Head several inches closer to the ground, feet kicking in the air, the eldest princess inquired, "Ar'ou 'fraido me Cain?"

"No," the stoic Tin Man responded, "but if I were Gulch I'd find you absolutely terrifying."

Digesting this a moment, the eldest princess made another attempt to scramble around to look at him. "Oo afrai' o' Deeg?" she questioned. "Oof," Az protested as Cain suddenly readjusted his grip to settle the princesses a little more securely on his shoulders.

Azkadellia may have been exceedingly drunk, but she did eventually realize the Tin Man never answered her question.


	17. Hangover

_Disclaimer: In case you didn't catch the first few dozen times or so, I don't own Tin Man._

_Author's Note: Every now and again the thought crosses my mind: what would this story look like from the guards' perspective? And then I tell myself if I so much think of finishing that thought me and myself are going to pummel I. Twice writing this story is more than enough._

_PS Why is it that every time we have to do something in a hurry I end up doing a whole bunch of heavy lifting while everyone else runs machinery?_

* * *

...

Azkadellia was dying, she was absolutely sure of it. Red hot pokers were being thrust through her eyeballs, every Munchkin in the O.Z. seemed to be attending the drumming party in her head with a few gongs thrown in on the side, the Resistance Army was conducting a firefight in her throat, and she was quite certain her stomach was being used as an Alchemist refresher course in visceral anatomy. Groaning as she forced her eyes to open a crack, Az wondered when her room had decided to take dancing lessons. She did wish it would stop; the spinning was making her nauseous.

"Morning Azkadellia," DG bellowed as she bounced into the room.

"Rrrrrrgh," the tortured princess protested through the driving nails.

"Ooh, you don't look so good," her assailant screamed in her ear.

"Shtop yellin'," Az pleaded.

"I'm not," Deeg whispered as quietly as possible – much as she'd been doing since entering the room, sadly the hangover induced sound amplification made her voice reach Azkadellia's ears with the intensity of a thousand pealing bells.

"Hung-over?" the Tin Man's booming voice inquired.

"Badly," the youngest princess confirmed.

"Figured as much," Cain nodded, setting a glass on the bedside table with all the racket of a car crash.

"Ungh," moaned the unfortunate Az, "washish dat."

"A little spine of the Papay that bit you, a lot of you don't want to know," hollered the Tin Man, "The Cain cure for the common hangover, passed down generation to generation from father to son. It'll help, trust me."

"You drink?" DG asked in surprise, forgetting to whisper and inundating her sister is a tsunami of sound.

"Mrrrgh!"

"Used to," Cain said, setting a pitcher of water next to the strange concoction.

"Why not anymore?"

"Can't afford the distraction, hard enough keeping track of you as it is," the Tin Man glared at the youngest princess, but immediately lost to the blue-eyed gaze that met his.

"If ev'ybo'y coul' jush shut up now," Azkadellia broke in pointedly.

"Sorry, Az," Deeg whispered apologetically.

Swivelling her eyes around in order to avoid moving her head, the eldest princess demanded painfully, "Why aren' oo dyin' when I am. Oo drank ash musch ash me."

DG smiled sheepishly in response, "Life's not fair?"

The Tin Man's snort of amusement ripped through Azkadellia's head like a buzz saw.

Attempting to sit up so she could throw the loud beings out of her room, Az instantly regretted it. "Hurk," she notified.

"Oh crap," opined DG, "She's gonna blow."

Fifteen minutes later, having hurled the last of her dignity down what DG had so delightfully dubbed the Porcelain Queen, Azkadellia had been coaxed into swallowing the vile brew Cain had brought her in return for getting rid of her helpers. She had to admit the Tin Man was right, it did help. Downing the pitcher of water, getting rid of the noisemakers and going back to sleep had helped even more. The eldest princess woke a few hours later, no longer dying but still distinctly miserable. She kind of wanted company...

Then she remembered why she'd ended up in that state in the first place.

The guard on duty outside her door jumped nearly a foot into the air when the foul tempered princess burst into the hallway.

"Grumpy!" she commanded imperiously, "I have a Royal Decree to be passed onto my protection detail."

"Erm, are you talking to me?" he asked.

"Of course I'm talking to you, I said your name didn't I?" she demanded furiously.

"No, um, actually you didn't.._.ulp_," Grumpy cut off abruptly as the princess' eyes narrowed into a deadly glare, "Um, that is, what is the decree?"

"No Gulch," the princess snapped.

"Er...what?"

"You heard me. No Gulch. I forbid him to be in my presence until further notice. Keep him away."

"But, uh, Your Highness," Grumpy protested weakly.

"_No Gulch!_" Azkadellia repeated emphatically as she spun about on one heel, re-entered her apartment and slammed the door.

"Um," the guard said uncomfortably, "You, uh, heard the princess. I'm afraid that I'm going to have to ask you to leave, uh, sir."

A stunned and unexpectedly overlooked Officer Gulch stared at the eldest princess' door and blinked.


	18. Apologies

_Disclaimer: I would like the owners of Tin Man to do something for me: close your eyes, plug your ears, and hum loudly. Yes, that's it. Now pay absolutely no attention to the person sneaking in behind you to nab the property rights. It shall be mine, mine I tell you. Muwhahahaha...Hey! Who said you could open your eyes? Sigh. Still don't own. Darn._

_Author's Note: What makes this chapter funny for me is knowing what Gulch is thinking all the while. Poor fellow. If there is, for any odd reason, someone reading this who hasn't read 'Otherside Encounter' they might want to read the chapter 'Apology's Hard' first. Just a thought._

_PS: The next time dad decides to mix and pour cement in the rain I am fitting him for shoes. Not only did the cardboard column form – which specifically stated, as I repeatedly told him, keep dry – collapse, but it spilt its cement into the trench I spent hours digging just a few days before. Are. You. Kidding. Me. I nobly did not say I told you so. I just thought it. Really loudly._

* * *

...

Azkadellia absolutely loved apologies. From the merest 'excuse me for bumping into you' to the deepest, heartfelt 'I'm so sorry I left you alone in a cave with the wicked witch,' they gave her the hope that wrongs could be forgiven, absolution granted, and retribution achieved. The former Sorceress adored each and every act of contrition she came across, but her absolute _favourite_ apologies were delivered upside down while hanging from a tree.

Not that he'd actually got around to apologizing yet, but that apparently was the plan.

"Apologizing? You know what for?" the eldest princess asked, trying desperately to keep the amusement out of her voice. Turns out it is exceedingly difficult to stay mad at someone when they're suspended haphazardly by their ankle from a branch and still attempting to carry out a serious conversation. She wondered how he came to be there, she had a fairly educated guess as to the physical process, it was the logic she was having trouble following.

"Not sure, I was hoping you'd tell me, but since I'm facing imminent death here I don't suppose it matters anymore," Officer Gulch replied wearily.

Az choked back a chuckle, she really shouldn't laugh at him, given the circumstances, but oh how she had missed him! The guards had done all too good a job at holding the Othersider at bay, and while they had simply been following orders, the eldest princess had rather regretted their effectiveness. She'd been lonely, cranky and bored all week. Not to mention furious. Azkadellia had been dreaming of that miserable cave every night, and what did that evil old bat have to do but go grabbing Gulch's hand and go skipping off into the sunset with him. If that _witch_ knew what was good for her she'd stay the hell out of Az's dreams for the foreseeable future. Officer Gulch, the princess informed her inner demons firmly as she waved a hand to retrieve him, was property of Azkadellia. Hands off.

The cop shrieked in surprise as he was abruptly shrunk and yanked from the tree. _Perhaps_, Az thought absently,_ I should have warned him. Oh well._ Choosing the softest landing place available, Azkadellia returned her Othersider to full size and gently released him from her magical grip. He didn't seem all that appreciative, though, in fact the policeman shot off the princess' bed like someone had set it on fire.

Then he promptly collapsed.

"Officer?" Azkadellia asked in alarm, immediately blushing fiery red when she realized she'd forgot herself so much as to address him by his first name.

Gulch didn't notice, however, as he was otherwise occupied.

"_Motherfu...dginghalfbakedmonkeyba...lloonsco...ckadoodledandy'sgoatpaddock,_" he hissed as he clutched his left knee.

Truly apprehensive now – the last time he'd gotten that involved in his nonsense sentences was when he'd bashed his head rather firmly on Glitch's submarine – Az demanded anxiously, "What's wrong? Did you hurt yourself?"

"_Sonofabi...ddybanker'srighttest...imony_ yes," Gulch finally managed to respond.

"Oh dear," the princess sighed. Thinking quickly, Azkadellia decided it would be best to get him lying down somewhere comfortable while she fetched Raw. Waving her hand decisively, she sent the Othersider right back to the bed he'd so foolishly leapt from.

Officer Gulch immediately tried to get up again. Wasn't that just like a man? DG was always complaining that Cain refused to take it easy whenever he was injured. The eldest princess' bodyguard seemed to be cut from the same stubborn cloth. Not a problem; nothing a good click couldn't solve.

"There," Azkadellia chided gently, tucking a pillow under his wounded knee, "that will make sure you stay put until I can find Raw and have him take care of your leg. Stay still," she ordered then walked out of the room leaving him handcuffed to her bed. He might be a little mad at her for that, but Az refused to let her bodyguard injure himself further for the sake of male ego.

The Viewer, it turned out, was extremely difficult to find. In fact, the eldest princess wasn't entirely sure when she'd last laid eyes on DG's furry friend. Not surprising, really, as the sensitive fellow had probably gone running in the opposite direction every time the towering rage that she'd been lately had come anywhere close to him. Raw was not a coward when he had something to fight for, but he was a clever enough fellow to steer clear of trouble when he saw it approaching. But she wasn't angry now, storms take it, so where the caves was he?

Making her way through the kitchen, the eldest princess was surprised to discover that Bashful, who should have been guarding her chambers at the moment, had apparently just raced down and was trying desperately to communicate something to his comrades through breathless laughter.

"Old...Gulchy...tree..." he gasped.

While twitching slightly at the nickname, Azkadellia didn't really have time for their foolishness at present. In fact, shouldn't one of them be following her right now? If he had been she could have sent a guard to find Raw, best go retrieve this miscreant.

The missing guard turned out to have remained just where Bashful should have been. Happy, for some odd reason, was peering around the door into her chambers with a look of unrestrained glee. What was wrong with her guards today? Glancing into the room herself, Az immediately forgot about him in favour of more pressing concerns.

"Daddy," Azkadellia said happily upon sighting Ahamo, "have you seen Raw? I need...what are you doing?" she cut off as her recalcitrant bodyguard appeared to be attempting to rise. "Lie back down this instant! I mean it!" Az continued sternly when he seemed to consider disobeying, "Get your butt back down on the bed. Daddy, do you know where Raw is? Officer Gulch hurt himself trying to climb in my window."

"Climb..._window!_" The Consort exclaimed in an oddly squeaky voice. Was he coming down with something? He'd best stay away from Gulch in that case, the poor man was already injured. Just what was daddy glaring about anyhow?

"Yes, but he fell. Now about Raw..."

"_You!_" yelled Ahamo, flinging himself at the policeman.

"Daddy, no!" cried Azkadellia, finally distracted enough from her Find Raw, Fix Gulch mindset to take real notice of the situation. With no explanation as to how he'd come to be there, how _else_ was a father to take the sight of a man chained to his daughter's bed, no matter if the handcuffing had been done against said man's will. No wonder the Othersider kept trying to get back up...as he was doing now, Az noted with annoyance.

Ahamo, having paid no heed to his daughter's protests, crossed the intervening distance with surprising speed and landed heavily on the cop's wounded leg. The former Sorceress was extremely familiar with all the sounds and reactions associated with pain and was therefore able to recognize Gulch's resultant bellow and instinctive return blow for exactly what they were: expressions of agony and self-preservation. The eldest princess saw red. _Oh no daddy, you do not!_

"STOP IT!" she shrieked, clawing a hand violently through the air. Extremely incensed, Azkadellia magically tore Ahamo off her Othersider and hurled him across the room. Moving to stand protectively in front of her policeman, Az channelled her rage and continued in a voice that promise dire retribution against all opposition, "No, Daddy. You do _not_ attack Gulch. This is a misunderstanding. Officer Gulch merely wished to apologize for an incident I'm sure you are well aware of. Since I had made it impossible for him to reach me by regular means he chose the next..." she eyed the window dubiously, "...logical choice. Now. Where. Is. Raw?"

Ahamo's eyes widened and dilated, his face whitened slightly as he met and quailed under the glare his daughter levelled at him. The little daddy's girl within the princess felt a bit bad for scaring daddy, but he had hurt her policeman and Azkadellia was not having that. The Consort picked himself off the floor, took one last baffled look at the cop, and fled in search of the Viewer.

Small words, short sentences, worked every time.

Problem two taken care of, it was time to get back to problem one, Officer Gulch had gone through all this trouble to apologize after all. "Now," said Azkadellia, turning back towards the cop, "tell me about Emily..."

The Othersider's face took on an expression reminiscent of when she'd handcuffed him to her wrist the very first time: somewhat bewildered and absolutely hunted.

It probably wasn't nice of Az to torture the man when he was down, but she just couldn't help herself. Gulch was just so darned cute when he panicked.


	19. Milk

_Disclaimer: I own the guards. Yup, the guards are mine, sadly everyone else in the Tin Man world belong to the owners of Tin Man. Misers._

_Author's Note: AAAUURRRGGGHHH! *pant, pant* Sorry about that, it just had to be done. I've got Queen Isabella who wants the guards' perspective, Goldenroya who wants to know what's up with Glitch, nightdrive23 who wants the story again (or at least parts of it) from DG's, Cain's and probably the mobat's point of view, and KLCtheBookWorm who wants to know Grumpy's real name. How many times do I have to write this story? This is me in my head: I'm at the end of a narrow corridor filled with doors, my shoulders against one, my foot on another, and my hand on the third while I try desperately to hold them closed lest they burst open and thoughts escape. Because if those thoughts get through to my muse I am doomed to rewrite this story into eternity (in the case of the guards, I realize it is partly my fault for bringing it up). Maybe if you are lucky you may see some of these as further companion pieces, maybe you won't, because, hey, it's not like my ideas list isn't three pages long or anything (single spaced, one story/chapter idea per line). As for the guards, I am going to avoid naming them if at all humanly possible. Why? Ask Fonteroy and Fastidium why. The second I name my side characters they take on a life of their own and start showing up everywhere. Just look at Dawkins. He was supposed to have one line (Dawkins) before going back to the resistance army, never to be seen again, now I can't get rid of him. Le. Sigh._

_That being said, I'm not actually mad at anyone. Writing this story is just so much darn fun. Let's not wear out the muse, though, shall we._

_PS Quality Control really likes this one. Let's see what you think of her opinion. If anyone has any trouble with the slurred speech try saying it out loud, it might help._

* * *

...

Azkadellia was not the least bit surprised to awaken silently screaming from her bed that night. It had, after all, been a stressful couple of weeks, what with the unfortunate confessions, drunken rampages, and awkward apologies. Simmering rage had held her nightmares at bay – sort of – but now that reconciliation had resulted not only in the quieting of her anger but also the injury of her chief bodyguard the eldest princess was half expecting them to return with a vengeance. In this she was not mistaken.

Crawling wearily from her bed, Az hoped Deeg wouldn't mind the return to their old routine. Wrapping herself in her favourite jacket, the princess made her way quietly across the room and opened the door. Out in the hall Sneezy turned around warily and studied his charge with trepidation.

"Ah," he said, taking in the haunted eyes and tired droop of her shoulders. Then, to Azkadellia's utter astonishment, he produced a vaguely familiar metal cylinder from a side table and deftly unscrewed the top. "Here," the guard said, handing the object to the curious princess.

It was filled with warmed milk.

"Standing orders," Sneezy explained in response to Azkadellia's searching look, "we're supposed to have some on hand every night in case you, ah, want it," he finished uncomfortably. "Nifty thing," the guard resumed, gesturing to the strange container, "keeps the milk warm a long time. Some of those Othersiders seem to know their stuff."

The eldest princess was unable to fully appreciate this apparent marvel, however, as her vision seemed to have gotten strangely blurry. She had a sudden wish that she had made her way into the hall sooner instead of growling into her pillow every night. Had she know _this_ she would have forgiven her policeman days ago and there would have been no need for him to risk life and limb just to be allowed into her presence.

"How is he?" Azkadellia asked the milk.

"Um, he's doing ok," replied Sneezy, having no trouble guessing who she meant, "The Viewer fixed him up some but apparently ligaments are tricky and he'll need more work. In the meantime they gave him a poppy infusion for the pain."

"Oh."

They stood for a moment in awkward silence, the princess getting misty-eyed over a cup of warmed milk, the guard fidgeting with uncertainty.

"Sooo, um, bad dreams?" he finally asked hesitantly.

"Yeah, I was in the Tower and..." Az broke off abruptly when the guard flinched at the mention of the Sorceress' Tower. She could already see it, the shadow of fear in his eyes. The man was, to his credit, trying to hide it, but she knew it was there. Sneezy was not who she wanted to talk to right now.

"Where are you going?" the guard asked in alarm as the princess suddenly took off purposefully down the hallway.

Deigning not to answer his question, Azkadellia asked one of her own, "What have you been doing with it the other nights?"

"Eh? W-what?" Sneezy stuttered in confusion as he chased after her.

"The milk, what have you been doing with it on the nights I don't come out?"

"Oh, ah, midnight snack."

"Midnight snack?" she returned incredulously, "Every night?"

"Well, it's not like I'm on duty every night, but the commander says it's good for us; lots of calcium, builds strong bones, prevents osteoporosis."

"Osteo what? What is that?"

"No idea, but I don't think I want to get it. Er, Your Highness, this is the guardhouse. Why..."

"Where is Officer Gulch's quarters?"

"T-two doors down on the right, b-but Your Highness you can't...Your Highness!"

Ignoring her guard's protests, Azkadellia made a shushing gesture and slipped quietly into her Othersider's room.

The guard quarters were not overly large but they were well laid out and comfortably furnished. Given his unusual circumstances, the policeman's room was fairly devoid of personal possessions. His strange gun belt hung from a hook on the wall, a stack of what looked like blueprints and some books lay on a table, but that was all. Thankful for the moonlight shining through the window, Az navigated her way to a comfy chair that seemed to have been purposefully moved next to the bed. _And thank you Raw_, the princess thought settling into it and studying the sleeping cop closely. Gulch's injured leg was propped up on some pillows and he seemed to be sleeping fretfully. Biting her lip, Azkadellia resolved to sit quietly and not disturb his rest.

Naturally, Sneezy chose this moment to live up to his nickname.

"WATCHOO!" the guard shattered the silence of the room with a monstrous sneeze.

"Huh? Wha...? Whossit?" the cop slurred, startled into wakefulness. Well, almost wakefulness. Turning his head to peer blearily at his charge for a moment, Gulch muttered groggily, "Derisha pwinshesh in muh room, why ish der pwinshesh in muh room?" His eyes had a glazed, drugged look to them, said princess noted, and she doubted he was entirely conscious. "Der canna be a pwishesh in muh room," the Othersider mumbled on, "Ah-hah-moo knowsh wha' pwaiwe oyshtairs are, I no wanna give'im mine."

"Her, ah, Highness was having trouble sleeping," the guard answered unhappily, not entirely sure what he was supposed to do about the situation. The princess wasn't where she was supposed to be and his commander was obviously too far out of it to deal with anything.

"Ohsh," the policeman muttered, reaching out blindly. Azkadellia was fairly sure he was aiming for her hand, instead he patted her knee. "Nigh'maresh?" he inquired.

"Yes," Az said quietly, curling up in the chair and sipping her milk, "I was sucking out the Mystic Man's soul again."

Sneezy let out the smallest of squeaks.

"Hopesh i' taste' good," Gulch replied fuzzily.

Azkadellia choked on her milk, the guard swayed unsteadily.

"Yush 'k?" the cop asked vaguely.

Recovering, the princess smiled sadly as she replied, "Yes, maybe, I don't know. He was such a good, kind, wise old man and I..."

"Yar watcha eat," the Othersider slurred obscurely, finding her hand this time and almost knocking the milk all over the princess.

Sneezy sat down heavily on a nearby table. Az, her lips twitching in growing amusement, wasn't sure if she'd been complimented, insulted, or merely been the recipient of some great Otherside wisdom. He was so out of it. A mischievous voice in her head that sounded rather like DG prodded her to ask him questions just to see what he'd say. Watching his heavy eyelids droop closed, however, the princess merely snuggled further into the chair and finished her milk, letting the surreal midnight magic and the soothing sound of deep, steady breathing steal away her worries, guilt, and night time demons, leaving behind only sleepy contentedness.

Across the room the eldest princess' night guard watched as her head tilted gradually forward and her hand allowed the empty thermos to fall. Waiting a few moments to make sure she wouldn't wake, he slipped forward and bent over her, nearly jumping out of his skin when a hand suddenly wrapped firmly around his forearm.

"If thishish happenin', thish ne'ver happnend," Officer Gulch stated drowsily, fixing the guard with a glassy-eyed stare, "Ya unnershtan'?"

Eyes wide, the guard nodded.

"Gud," muttered his commander, releasing his arm, "Gosshipsh cauz sho musch harm. Cain's righ', oughta shoot'em." Still muttering, the Othersider's eyes closed and he drifted back to sleep.

The guard's lips were sealed. With the greatest of care he eased the princess up out of the chair. Now if he could just get Her Highness back to her Royal Apartments without being seen he could avoid being shot. He didn't want to be shot. Pausing a moment, the guard reached down to collect the fallen milk container. If this had never happened it was best to leave no evidence.


	20. Physical Therapy

_Disclaimer: What do I own? Not Tin Man. Who owns it? No idea. Why don't I care? Because as long as I am not the one who owns Tin Man it doesn't really matter who does. Sigh._

_Author's Note: Ah, the 6am cattle are out wake up call. I'm not really home unless someone is dragging me out of bed hours ahead of schedule in order to chase cattle. If ever you need to wake a cattle farmer or his offspring, telling them the cattle are out is the one sure-fire way – we may not be lucid, we may not be conscious, but we'll get up. The cell phone is unexpectedly useful in coordinating these events ('lo dad, ders cows on da road here. Four cows, well two are calvesh bu' der here), the car is not so much (back your car up south of the gate. Otay, Hey, shtay outta da ditch car. Where'd dat branch come from? Oh shcrew it, hit da gas). I can't even coordinate my limbs at 6am, much less a car. Everybody else stay off the road, I don't feel like sharing. Of course, then dad leaves me to finish up, check the fence, open poorly described gates (which two-by six double gate?), and water the cows. As the pump refuses to start and I contemplate throwing it into the dugout, dad calls to switch up the gate selection and postpone the cow watering. Narrgh! I finally get back to my car and, hey look, isn't that a cow on the road? The nice thing about old cows is that they know where they are supposed to be and generally go back without fuss; the bad thing is that they recognize an open gate when they see one. So when I reopen the gate and go after the escaped cow, another decides she wants to know if the grass is greener on the other side of the fence. Remember that towering rage that Azkadellia was the last couple of chapters, imagine that playing a game of chicken with a cow. I won (do not mess with me on any day that started at 6am). Cows in, pastures rearranged, animegus farmus snarly, it was finally time for breakfast._

_And later that day as we poured that blasted cement column for the _third_ time..._

_PS Patience nightdrive23 we are almost (but not quite) there._

* * *

...

Azkadellia studied the hands on the clock. They were handsome things, elegantly and intricately carved, much like the clock itself. Truly it was a work of art, a tribute to the master clock smith that had created it, too bad it was so darn _slow_. Surely it had been long enough by now. Slipping quietly off the bench, the eldest princess set off down the hall at a pace that made her bodyguards scramble to keep up.

DG had spent a great deal of time during the trip to Finaqua impressing upon Azkadellia the importance of so called 'private time'. She seemed to think that people, such as Officer Gulch, occasionally needed, and should be allowed, some time to themselves to relax and unwind. Country dwellers, Deeg had asserted, are used to spending a large amount of time on their own. They tend to get used to it and eventually need their alone time. Thus certain other people ought to consider giving the local country folk some space rather than hovering constantly.

Az really didn't understand the notion. She'd spent a great deal of time alone, she thought it was ghastly. All that time with no one and nothing around but your own thoughts and memories to keep you company, the guilt and the regret and the horror crowding in on you until the suns no longer seem to bring warmth or light and the gentlest of winds carries the cries of millions. No _thank_ you. On the other hand, though, DG was almost as much an Othersider as Gulch so it was plausible that she had better insight into certain of the inner workings of the cop's mind. Thus it was that the eldest princess had quite nobly resisted seeking out her bodyguard for a full two hours today. Surely that was sufficient.

Moving through the palace with the ease of an experienced tracker, Azkadellia rejected the likely indoor locations for the more inviting palace grounds. Raw, if she was not mistaken, had said Officer Gulch could get up today, thus it was likely that he would have headed outdoors at the earliest opportunity. It was a beautiful day after all.

Rounding a corner, the eldest princess was rather affronted to find that while _she_ had been striving to give the policeman some time to himself no one else had. DG, Cain (naturally, come to think of it, how did DG get this supposedly needed alone time with the Tin Man always about?), Raw, and Azkadellia's entire off-duty protection detail were all gathered around the Othersider, and just what were they doing?

"Beanbag att-a-aack!" DG hollered before launching a cloth covered ball at the cop who yelped and spun wildly to block the missile.

"Could someone please explain to me again why we are doing this?" Gulch inquired emphatically.

"Gulch do strange things. Get in odd situations. Knee must be ready, made strong again," Raw replied.

"And that requires me to be hung upside down from a tree while DG and friends play pin the tail on the policeman?" the Othersider asked sardonically.

"I was thinking more of a piñata myself," DG interjected.

Gulch looked at her sharply and snapped, "Don't even think about it."

Unfortunately for the cop, DG, like Azkadellia before her, had discovered that it is almost impossible to take someone seriously while they were suspended by their ankles. Well not just the ankles this time. Raw had hooked up some sort of elaborate harness that could vary how much stress was brought to bear on Gulch's wounded knee. Needless to say, however, the Othersider wasn't looking particularly threatening at the moment.

"I'm _thinking_ about it," DG sang as she started handing out more beanbags to Cain and the guards.

"Gulch already been in tree," Raw interrupted as the policeman started looking for a means to escape the harness, "Future has many possibilities. Best be prepared."

Spinning slowly in the bindings, the Othersider froze. "DG," Gulch said strenuously, "you said these guys could read the future...?"

"Um, yeah, kind of," the youngest princess confirmed.

Digesting this unhappily for a moment, Gulch removed his hands from the harness straps. "I don't want to know," he declared and resigned himself to his fate.

"Excellent!" exclaimed DG, "Ready. Aim..."

"Perhaps Princess Azkadellia would like to join," the Tin Man said suddenly, startling Azkadellia and alerting the others to her presence.

"May _I_?" Dawkins asked hopefully from behind the eldest princess.

"Sure," laughed DG, running up to pull Az over to the gathering under the tree, "the more the merrier."

"D...G..." Gulch ground out, gritting his teeth and glaring for all he was worth.

The youngest princess ignored him. "All you have to do," she instructed with a smirk, handing Azkadellia one of the strange cloth covered balls, "is throw these at Officer Gulch and he has to try and block or dodge them."

"_Throw_...Why?" demanded Az.

"A good question," Gulch commented urbanely, "but I have recently come to the opinion that ignorance may be bliss in this case. That or DG bribed Raw so that she could have a good laugh at my expense."

Azkadellia bit her lip. She was not sure she approved of this. One did not, in general, throw things at others, drunken rages notwithstanding. And the eldest princess was fairly certain that you definitely weren't supposed to throw things at injured people. The so called beanbags did not seem likely to cause much damage but Gulch was already hurt and that was her fault and she didn't want him to get injured further and...

"It's his _therapy_," Deeg broke in, "Raw specifically designed it to help him get better, faster, stronger and all that. To throw the beanbag," the youngest princess continued in a dignified voice, "is to help him to health, happiness and longer life."

_Oh well, in that case_, thought Azkadellia, and she let the ball fly.


	21. Shopping Trip

_Disclaimer: I have no time for ownership at present thus I do not own the Tin Man. If time could make ownership then I would make time._

_Author's Note: Longest. Chapter. Ever. Or at least that's what it felt like writing it, good thing I had the whole weekend. Yes, nightdrive23, it has arrived at last, I sincerely hope I do not disappoint. A lot of changes have occurred to the events since this chapter was first conceived. Of course at the time it was going to be a oneshot and probably from DG's perspective, but that's how these things go. I hereby dedicate this chapter to my demon reviewer nightdrive23 who wanted it so badly and ended up causing this whole darn story. Brat._

* * *

...

Azkadellia knew there was nothing between Officer Gulch and DG other than friendship, platonic camaraderie, and the occasional desire to kill each other. To DG the policeman was 'The Menace', former scourge of her existence, now well tolerated bodyguard of her sister, whose approval rating waxed or waned depending on Az's state of happiness. In Gulch's own words, Deeg was like the sister he thanked some deity he never had, thus he was entirely without any inclination to woo, court or otherwise endear himself in a romantic way to the Crown Princess. Cain would have shot him by now if he had. It was irrefutable fact and the eldest princess understood and trusted this knowledge with her future.

Of course, there is what your mind knows and what your eyes see, and what her eyes were looking at was one furious Tin Man pointing his revolver at one panicked looking Othersider who was reclined next to one nearly naked DG. The world was falling out from under Az's feet and it was going to take the universe with it. This _could not_ be happening.

The day had started so well, too. She'd woken refreshed from gloriously dreamless sleep, had breakfast with the family, and had watched DG endeavour to learn new magical skills. The youngest princess was supposed to be learning how to translocate objects without Azkadellia's help. None would argue the fact that DG had learned translocation all right – she'd translocated Tutor right into a wall. After Raw had confirmed that Tutor would live and had given DG the rest of the morning off, Az had checked to see if the three hours she'd allotted for Gulch's free time were up. They weren't, so she decided to go eavesdrop on her bodyguards instead.

They were being more respectful today, though her guards were alarmingly eager to attend Officer Gulch's next session with Raw. It was nice, the eldest princess had thought, that the underlings were taking an interest in their commander's health, but they seemed a bit _too_ enthusiastic to her. Although it was a bit hard to hear over all the hemming and hawing of Bashful, her on duty bodyguard. At first she had wondered if he was coming down with something, then she had realized he was trying to alert his comrades as to her presence. About to set him straight with a properly severe glare, Azkadellia had been distracted by the chiming of the clock, indicating her penance was over. Bouncing unheedingly into the room, Az had demanded to know the location of her Othersider and had taken off so fast Bashful never even had a chance of catching her.

Cain had been the first of the trio to come into view – he was the only one standing after all and the revolver tended to command attention. That the Tin Man was pointing said revolver at Azkadellia's Othersider was a matter requiring instant and severe rebuke. Sadly, before she'd gotten halfway through laying down the law the eldest princess had caught sight of the scantily clad DG and certain set-in-stone truths of her universe got shaken to their very foundations. Feeling the blood drain from her face, Az could only stutter a faint, "What...?"

For moment the four of them froze in elegant tableau of anger and despair, panic and confusion...then DG had burst out laughing.

"It's...it's not what it l-looks like," she managed between whoops.

As the joyous sounds of the youngest princess' merriment floated out across the waters of Finaqua Lake, the eldest princess felt the natural order of the world reassert itself. She had no idea what was going on but Gulch was shooting DG a familiar look of exasperation, generally accompanied by the muttering of a word that sounded distinctly like 'nemesis' but that couldn't be right, could it?

While the policeman glanced around at the standing company anxiously, DG sat up and continued, "Oh put the gun away Cain. Officer Gulch only came out here to fish. Since I ended up having the morning off I thought I'd do a little sunbathing. As the two activities are not mutually exclusive and I felt like some company, Gulch was kind enough to let me join him while you were otherwise occupied."

Well that explained a great deal. The cop was prone to letting practically anyone importune on his time, and Cain would not be Cain if he didn't draw a gun on any man found in such suspicious proximity to his princess. Odd circumstances accounted for that only left one question.

"DG, what are you _wearing_?" Azkadellia asked in a strangled voice. She was grateful Deeg had gotten up to convince the apparently malfunctioning Tin Man into finally lower the offending gun but that had only given the eldest princess a clearer view of what the youngest was, are rather, mostly wasn't dressed in.

"A bathing suit," the Crown Princess replied. Fwump. "And now, apparently, a duster," she added drily as Cain settled said article of clothing about her shoulders. "What do you use for swimming in the O.Z.?"

"I don't know how to swim," the eldest princess replied, "I don't know any women that can." Given that people were made to breath air and even small rocks sank, Azkadellia had always thought the best practice would be to stay out of the water.

"That's just stupid," DG asserted, "You know what, I can teach you. It's best for everyone to know how to swim well enough not to drown. This is the O.Z., who knows when you might have to jump off a cliff into a raging river, right?"

_An excellent point_, thought Az.

"We should go to the Otherside and get you a suit. They're not all like this, you can decide what you like best," the youngest princess continued, opening the jacket to give her sister another look.

Face flushed and appearing for all the world like a man about to have a stroke, Cain choked and reached forward to start doing up the buttons.

DG rolled her eyes in affectionate exasperation, "So what do you think?"

Azkadellia considered this a moment. Since DG's return to the O.Z. life had become filled with situations that could, as Deeg had said, require one to jump off a cliff into raging river. It would probably be best to know how to survive the water once you landed. On the other hand, she pondered whilst looking at her sister and recalling the so called suit, to be outside in so little apparel where anyone might happen upon you...Glancing from Officer Gulch to Wyatt Cain, who still seemed to be recovering from his introduction to the scandalous outfit, Az found herself replying, "Yes, I'd like that."

"Yay!" crowed DG excitedly, "Otherside shopping trip."

The eldest princess had a moment to wonder why this statement should make the policeman look so terribly alarmed before she was distracted by the resounding sound of a familiar click.

"You know, Cain," the cop commented, "if you go walking all over Kansas with DG cuffed to your wrist people are either going to think she is under arrest or you have some sort of kink going on."

_What's a kink?_ Azkadellia thought, but did not have time to ask as Gulch, casting a wary eye at the Tin Man, hastened into speech once more. "Of course," he added hurriedly, "if you hold hands the whole time I don't suppose anyone will notice."

Well if all it took was a pair of handcuffs and a trip to Kansas to ensure a day of holding hands..."Are you coming?" Az inquired of her bodyguard hopefully.

And now he was looking panicked again, what was wrong with her Othersider today?

"Um," he said quickly, "I think it would be best for my leg to stay here and rest. Walking around on all that concrete can't be good for it."

_Oh_, sighed the disappointed princess, she hadn't thought of that. Of course he shouldn't walk around too much, his leg was still healing.

"I've got it," the resigned Tin Man said. Az wondered why all the men seem so little enthused by the idea of their outing, was there something on the Otherside they were worried about? Oh well, whatever it was she was sure Cain could handle it. If all the Sorceress and the Longcoats could throw at him hadn't killed the Tin Man a little shopping trip should be no problem.

Bashful finally caught up with his charge by the time they'd re-entered the palace. Cain, well aware that under his duster DG was basically unclothed, had his revolver out of the holster before the bodyguard had gotten within a hundred feet of the trio. The hapless Bashful screeched to a halt.

"Inform their Majesties and the appropriate protection details that I will be accompanying the princesses to the Otherside today," the Tin Man dictated.

Eyeing the gun nervously, the bodyguard nodded and obeyed without question.

"How does he do that?" asked Azkadellia.

"Do what?"

"Get everyone to obey him like that," Az explained, "I mean, Cain's not even in my protection detail's chain of command, or yours for that matter, but if he says jump they jump. It can't just be the gun; they can't truly believe he'd shoot them can they?"

The Tin Man snorted, DG laughed. "Menace, Az," Deeg explained, "it's all about menace. It's not the gun they're afraid of so much as what the man holding it might decide to do to them. The gun is just one of the dangers to worry about. Tell me Az, have you seen Glitch lately?"

"No, not since...oh."

"If you require the headcase for something, I'm sure he can be retrieved," Cain murmured enigmatically.

Pondering this, the eldest princess decided it would be futile to inquire further into the whereabouts of the unfortunate Glitch. It was a little unfair that the advisor had taken the brunt of the Tin Man's rage over the whole drunken princesses incident but it would be next to impossible for him to punish the main culprit. He had probably tried and been immediately sunk by the first sign of sorrow in those terribly sincere blue eyes. As the elder sister to said eyes, Azkadellia knew there was no hope once they were brought to bear.

Having reached the Royal Chambers by this time, DG stopped walking and looked up at Cain expectantly.

"Need something?" the Tin Man inquired.

"Privacy," his princess responded.

Cain blinked and gave her a look of incomprehension. DG shrugged and started to remove the duster. Flushing bright red, the Tin Man practically tore the handcuffs off and fled the room. Laughing merrily, Deeg turned to her sister, "You know, Az, I really should teach you how to fish."

Brows furrowing in puzzlement, the eldest princess queried, "Shouldn't I get Gulch to teach me?"

Deeg snorted, "Sure, if you want to learn how to catch _fish_. No, Az, best have me for an instructor, I'm not entirely sure Officer Gulch knows the rules."

This was utterly incomprehensible to Azkadellia but she let it pass. Half an hour later they were dressed in what DG considered to be suitable clothing and arranging a travel storm to deposit them near the sleepy little Kansas town that didn't really deserve what was coming.

"Where are we?" the Tin Man asked in puzzlement as the magical storm cleared.

Azkadellia was a bit surprised by Cain's question; she'd assumed they'd be touching down at the farmhouse in which DG had grown up. Though come to think of it, that house had been damaged by General Lonot's travel storm while this house, cozy little thing, looked to be in excellent repair where it sat nestled against the trees. The dirt road they stood on wound in continuous arch past the front yard, headed out beyond the barn and curved back again. _Wait a minute..._

"We're at Gulch's place," DG said happily, "Momster and Popsicle's farmhouse is all but cleaned out of anything of use and we are going to need some cash. The Menace has always struck me as the type to keep some money stashed away somewhere in case of emergency, besides, we need to borrow his truck."

"Is Officer Gulch aware that he is funding this expedition?" an amused Cain asked.

"Nope," Deeg replied brightly, "but as per previous request I stole his keys." And twirling the shiny keychain on her finger, the youngest princess led them into the house.

They spent an hour there all told. The Tin Man was tasked with finding Gulch's emergency funds while DG went through the rooms selecting which items to bring back to the O.Z. with them, starting with the garage which she plundered with reckless abandon, beginning with the socket set on the leftmost workbench. By the time Cain and DG were through, Azkadellia had discovered the dust covered albums containing Officer Gulch's baby pictures and it took the concerted efforts of both DG and the Tin Man to drag her away again.

"Before we go," DG said to Cain as they were about to climb into the truck, "take this."

"What is this?"

"Officer Gulch's police badge, magically doctored," the youngest princess explained, "since I figured you wouldn't be willing to part with the gun I thought it best to have an explanation for it. Here, put it on your belt, like this."

Azkadellia had to hide her face in her hands to contain her amusement at the panicked, conflicted expression on Cain's face as DG made a grab for his belt. She'd timed it well, the eldest princess considered, the Tin Man was so flustered that he didn't even protest when Deeg climbed into the driver's seat. He spent the entire hour's drive to a shopping center far enough away for the officially dead (as far as the Otherside was concerned) DG to be able to patronize without fear recovering his composure only to lose it again when they got there. One look at the crowded, bustling center had the Tin Man going for his cuffs, whereupon DG promptly grabbed his hand resulting in a complete halt to all of Cain's mental processes. At least that's what Az figured – the Tin Man's facial expression was fairly akin to Gulch's bewildered man impression.

"Officer Gulch said we had to hold hands if you did that," DG said sweetly, gazing up at Cain with those big blue eyes. The Tin Man was instantly lost.

_This_, Azkadellia thought, _is not going to be Cain's day._

The Otherside shopping center was a strange place. The eldest princess had been expecting something along the lines of a market or bizarre, instead it looked more like an enormous barracks in which the stores were stacked together, row upon row. It had a certain sterile feel in comparison to the eclectic shops of Azkadellia's experience. She didn't like it.

"Hi," said a breathless voice, "We're having a sale, feel free to come visit our store."

Turning in surprise, Az discovered a young girl of about DG's age thrusting piece of paper into the confused hands of Wyatt Cain. Deeg herself was looking mildly bewildered, glancing between the colourful page and a store some distance away. Then the Tin Man moved to hand her the paper, revealing a set of numbers scribbled hastily on the other side. The youngest princess burst out laughing.

"Oh, sorry," the flushing girl apologized, belatedly noting the joined hands, "I didn't mean...uh, bye." And she scampered off.

"What is this?" asked Cain.

"N-nothing," giggled DG, "j-just put in your p-pocket for now. C-come on guys, t-this way."

As they made their way through the store the trio discovered that a great many stores were having sales. In fact Azkadellia was beginning to wonder if there was some cultural rule on the Otherside that dictated the men handle commerce, all the store clerks seemed to focus on Cain after all. That didn't explain Deeg's behaviour, though. By the time they got to the destination DG had apparently been aiming for, the Tin Man was practically carrying her she was laughing so hard.

Cain balked at the entrance. "You promised me," he said through gritted teeth, "that you wouldn't do this to me again."

And that just set the youngest princess off again, "T-this isn't a l-lingerie store, it's a b-bathing suit shop. S-see, m-men's swim t-trunks."

Instantly intrigued, Azkadellia gave Cain no choice as she dragged DG forward into the store to check out these interesting items. Examining the strange article of clothing worn by a truly disturbing statue, Az couldn't help but inquire, "Do you think Officer Gulch would like to go swimming?"

"Gulch already has a set of trunks," DG replied to Azkadellia's true question, "you may thank your sister for doing extreme violence to her feelings by being so kind as grab a certain policeman a few fresh changes of Otherside clothing. The Menace's underwear drawer isn't exactly a place I ever wanted to visit and I can only thank him that he is not a Speedo man, I don't think I could ever survive that im...age...hmmm" the youngest princess trailed off suddenly, also examining the statues apparel. "What size do you think Cain wears?" she asked suddenly.

"Oh I'd say at least a large," a passing sales girl chipped in, delighted to have an excuse to ogle.

"Um, DG, I don't think even you could convince the Tin Man to wear that," interjected Az as she eyed the now thoroughly disgruntled Cain.

Deeg sighed, "I suppose you're right. Pity..."

Cain, who had been standing stock still, his mouth working in soundlessly horror, abruptly shook himself and dragged the youngest princess away into theoretically safer territory.

"All right Az," said DG, allowing herself to be distracted, "let's find you a suit."

The sales girl who had followed them over turned out to be extremely helpful so it was not long before they had several scandalous outfits, er, swimsuits for Azkadellia to try on. Now if only they could convince her to do so.

"But we're in public!" the eldest princess protested.

"It's no big deal, Az..."

"We have change rooms just over here," the sales girl chimed in helpfully.

"But I'd still have to come out into the open to show you! Can't we just take them back to the palace and have the tailors adjust them if there is a problem?"

"Do you _want_ the Royal Tailors fitting you for those?" DG pointed out.

The sales girl cast puzzled glances at the two princesses as Azkadellia looked ruefully down at the little scraps of cloth. "Nooo," she replied slowly.

"Look, will it make you feel better if I were to try on a few with you?" asked Deeg.

"Please," plead Az.

"No problem. Cain, do you mind?" the youngest princess asked pointedly.

Examining the change rooms for a moment, the Tin Man reassured himself that they did not contain any hidden exits through which an assassin or a mischievous princess might slip away. The sales girl's eyebrows shot up in surprise when the handcuffs came into view as Cain unlocked them.

It took DG exactly five minutes to reduce the store chaos. This was the minimum time required for the youngest princess to find a suit, disappear into a change room, and pop back out again scantily clad. Across the store a young man let out a low whistle of appreciation.

"Cain!" DG shouted, attempting to avert disaster.

Too late, the Tin Man was already moving. By the time his princess' cry had died out Cain had the hapless young man by the throat, his revolver drawn and pressing painfully into the boy's chin. "You. Dare," he growled.

There was a moment of shocked silence then the screaming began as the customers and staff alike made a rush for the exit. Azkadellia, well accustomed to this sort of thing, tucked herself safely away in a convenient nook while their helpful sales girl dived behind the sales counter, from which she could watch the events with interest. DG, meanwhile, fought her way across the room and attempted to diffuse the situation.

"Cain, put the gun down. He didn't mean anything by it and you can't just go waving your gun around on the Otherside," DG reasoned strenuously.

Unfortunately the Tin Man was not currently in a state receptive to being reasoned with and all he registered was the fact that his princess had brought herself within reach of the man that had dared offer her insult. That the scum in question dare turn his eyes in her direction only fuelled his rage.

Of course, anyone slightly more impartial to the situation would have recognized the misfortunate young man's glance for what it was: a silent plea for help. DG attempted to pry the Cain's fingers away from the boy's throat but she wasn't getting anywhere...then mall security arrived.

"Sir would you please put down the gun?" the first asked making placating gestures with his hands.

"Let the boy go, easy now, we don't want anyone to get hurt," said the second.

For the briefest of instants Azkadellia hoped that DG would manage to get the Tin Man to calm down and they could find a way out of the situation, then someone grabbed her arm. It was only the third security guard who had tasked himself with removing any potential hostages from the scene and he really had no idea he was about to get the proverbial reward for good intentions.

Cain caught sight of the man near the eldest princess and every last bodyguard instinct in his body screamed warning. The Tin Man snapped. Moving with alarming speed, Wyatt Cain hurled the unfortunate boy who'd started this all at the first two security guards then spun around put a bullet in the leg of the third. The man went down screaming, releasing the eldest princess as he fell. Before Cain could swing back around to the others, DG apparently decided that the situation had gone beyond salvage and now called for a little translocation. The men would survive being thrown into the wall; they were less likely to survive being shot.

Protection Mode fully activated, the Tin Man hauled the youngest princess behind him and steered her towards the changing rooms. "DG, get dressed," he ordered, "Your Highness, get over here. You," he rumbled to the sales girl crouching behind the till as he covered the entrance, "is there another way out of here?"

"S-sure," she stammered, "service entrance through the storage room in the back. Here," she said, scribbling something on a scrap of paper, "this will tell you where to go."

Taking the paper from the girl, Cain grabbed DG's hand as she re-emerged fully clothed and pulled her towards the door marked 'staff only'. "Let's move, Your Highness."

"Thanks for everything, I think we'll take them all," Deeg exclaimed, tossing a handful of money at the cash register as she was dragged past, "Come on Az, I guess it's time to go."

Azkadellia hastened along behind them, taking her apparent purchases with her.

"Now we all agree," DG said two hours later as they re-entered Finaqua Palace, "that there is no reason to mention our little shooting incident to Officer Gulch."

"Or the police chase," Azkadellia recited as if by rote.

"Or the fact that we had to ditch his truck in a remote location," the Tin Man finished unhappily.

"Yes," stressed the youngest princess, "because if Officer Gulch ever finds out about all that he is going to bust a gasket. And if he decides to go all honest cop on us we are not only not going to hear the end of it but we will be in for a world of trouble. We want to avoid that."

"Do we?" inquired Cain, a hint of steel in his voice.

"As the only person here who has ever seen Gulch angry, I would like you to trust me when I say we do not want that," DG stated firmly, "We're lucky that the cop that pulled us over had a broken radio."

"It was a good thing you gave Cain that badge," Azkadellia agreed.

"It was a good thing the cop was female," Deeg corrected, studying a rectangular slip of paper "at least the last time I checked speeding fines did not run to seven digits. Oh I don't believe it," she exclaimed examining a second piece of paper, "Even on our escape route...here," DG said, thrusting the papers at the Tin Man, "you deal with these. Az and I have to go get changed for our swimming lesson and you should see what The Menace is up to."

"You know," Azkadellia mused as they turned towards the Great Stairs, "it was exceedingly kind of that other lady to give us a lift the rest of the way back to Gulch's house."

"Yes," DG replied dubiously, "even if she did ask if Cain was our father."

Not yet out of earshot, the retreating Tin Man staggered suddenly as if from a blow.

"Poor Cain," Az giggled, throwing a glance in his direction, "though I think that was wishful thinking on her part."

"Yes," said DG darkly, "or a calculated insult." Though she scowled for a moment, the youngest princess was quick to recover. Shaking herself, the gleam of mischief returned to her eyes, "We'll make it up to him, and in the meantime, it's time for poor Gulch!"

It turned out that the helpful sales girl had truly had an eye for size and style. Not only did Azkadellia's varied selection fit but they were all bound, in DG's opinion, to give Gulch a heart attack. This made Az entirely unwilling to wear them until Deeg assured her that she was speaking figuratively and that it was the desired reaction. The eldest princess was still nervous about going out in the open in such outlandish garments, however, and was only convinced to do so if she was allowed to arrive in a dressing gown and after DG had gone first.

The look on the cop's face when she dropped the robe, though, was well worth the discomfort. He was beyond bewildered statue impression as his jaw dropped, his eyes widened, and he even dropped his beer. In fact, he looked distinctly like a gaping fish out of water.

_Oh_, Az thought in dawning realization as DG said smugly, "See Az, I told you I'd teach you how to fish."


	22. Darkness and Light

_Disclaimer: I don't own Tin Man and I am indebted to whichever Jane Eyre movie it was that starred William Hurt (or is it John Hurt, somebody Hurt anyhow – am not wasting my internet time to check) for the mini art lesson._

_Author's Note: I do wish I could draw, I really do. This is an ongoing wish of mine, and I do realize that if I were to dedicate some time to the matter then maybe I could make this wish a reality. Then again, since the one art teacher I ever had made it quite apparent that I lacked any innate talent it may take a great deal more time than I currently have available – unless I were to be willing to sacrifice writing time, but I have the feeling some people might protest that notion (like myself). Shame though, since for some days now a truly hilarious picture of what should be the cover page of 'Otherside Encounters' has been sitting in my head and I have no way to put it to paper. Sigh. Being able to sing would have been nice, too, but given the genetic material I had to work with that was never going to happen. Double sigh._

_PS So glad everyone like the last chapter so much. Given that it was laden with a great many expectations I was incredibly worried about it. *Wipes sweat from brow* Whelp, glad that's over, now on to the chapters I have been looking forward to. Azkadellia is a much easier muse to work with seeing as she hands me chapters in mostly chronological order, but due to the fact that she has most of the framework in place thanks to Gulch, she is also a long ways ahead of me. Brain brain gets so impatient at the speed on my fingers._

* * *

...

Azkadellia couldn't help but think, as she observed DG and the Tin Man on the shores of Finaqua Lake, of the art lessons daddy had given her as child. The shadows are as important as the light, Ahamo had once told her as he demonstrated the concept on his canvas, using darkness to give his picture depth and definition, contrasting it with the brightness that gave it life. Watching the bikini clad, laughing Deeg sprint by waving Cain's hat in her hand while the faithful, determined Tin Man, duster billowing behind him, raced after her, the eldest princess felt the truth of this lesson in life itself.

Cain had barely survived the darkness of the Sorceress' reign. His life had been shattered, those most important to him had been torn away, and though he had made it out of the tin suit with his sanity intact, the shadows of his torment remained. One had to look hard to see it most of the time; the man was paranoid and pessimistic, true, but his innate nobility and his utter inability to turn aside from the correct path tended to disguise his wounds. Catch the Tin Man alone, however, in the rare instances one could, and you would see the gloomy shadows cast by his past settle upon him like the angriest of storm clouds. Cain was a good man and a brave one, but Azkadellia knew, as one who knew storms, that he was also a broken man. Or rather, he was a man that should be broken; he'd just been too strong to allow it. And anyone who had seen him in these moments need only see his face as DG walked into the room to know his light.

Gaining on the youngest princess at last, the Tin Man caught her in the gentlest of tackles, turning their bodies midair so that his shoulder hit first and DG fell on top of him, cushioning her fall. Deeg's joyous laughter renewed as Cain's own rare laugh was heard to join it, echoing across the magical waters as the Tin Man wrestled his hat away from his princess.

DG was not without shadows of her own, but they could hardly be seen for the brilliant luminescence that was her very being. She was joy, she was laughter, she was mischief, and she was light. The youngest princess was an optimist who saw the good in people and chased after it until they saw it in themselves. Deeg had made her mistakes, accepted and come to terms with their consequences, and fought to correct them. The only person in the O.Z. that could break her Tin Man, and the very person that would ensure he never broke. As the Mystic Man had instructed her, DG was a being who lit up the places that were dark.

Cain's laughter cut of abruptly as he suddenly realized that he was holding a scantily clad princess in his arms and his hands were touching nothing but bare skin. The hurried scrambling that resulted from this knowledge, as the Tin Man tried to instantaneously create some physical distance between them without actually throwing DG off of him, had Officer Gulch, sitting nearby with his fishing gear, doubling over with laughter. Azkadellia's own lips twitched slightly as Cain tripped over his duster in his haste to rise and stumbled backwards a few paces to avoid falling. DG, who'd been pulled to her feet in the same motion, smiled fondly, a knowing look in her eye, and contemplated further mischief.

She apparently wasn't the only one, however. Az, older sister to the adventurous Deeg, had no trouble recognizing the twinkle in the policeman's eyes as he winked slyly at the eldest princess and coiled his legs beneath him. A second later he was springing to his feet with surprising speed as he caught the youngest princess by the waist and flung her into the lake. Pivoting sharply in the same movement, the cop took to his heels, dashing away as fast as he could go while the outraged DG shrieked for revenge and sicced the Tin Man on him.

Tearing across the lawn, the Othersider evidently made a decision on the fly, leapt, and swung himself into the branches of a convenient tree – really, didn't he learn? Cain skidded to a halt and considered his options while a breathless Gulch merrily demanded that his pursuer have mercy on the wounded man. Snorting in amused disbelief, given how well the 'wounded man' ran, the Tin Man apparently decided to be forgiving, or at least withhold judgement until he'd gotten his princess out of the water and ensured there had been no damage done. Unable to fight instinct any longer, Cain made his way back to the lakeshore and offered a hand to help DG out.

There was a mischievous sparkle to her eyes.

Officer Gulch practically fell out of the tree laughing as DG planted her feet on the lakebed and hauled the Tin Man into the water with her. After a moment's shocked splashing, Cain bellowed a challenge and ploughed forward as the laughing Deeg drove into the water in search of escape. The eldest princess, meanwhile, went to go check on her bodyguard.

The Othersider was lying on the grass beneath the tree still laughing when she arrived. Evidently he had suffered no injury in his second fall from a tree; indeed, he merely gave her the biggest grin and for the life of her, Azkadellia could not do else than smile back.


	23. Frontiers New

_Disclaimer: I own about 99% of Gulch, the other 1% (his name, looks, profession and penchant for giving DG speeding tickets) as well as the other Tin Man characters (but not Fastidium) belong to Tin Man and its owners._

_Author's Note: I'm very jealous of Gulch: I want a mobat; I'm extremely jealous of Azkadellia; I want a Gulch; and I am excessively jealous of DG; I really want a Tin Man. Ahem, regarding this chapter, Az will be using an Otherside expression, deal with it, I'm sure she's learned several by now. Also regarding this chapter, in case anyone missed it the first two times I pointed this out, not all of Azkadellia's chapters are happy, happy, joy, joy, laugh until we cry chapters. I was not exactly aiming for humour in this one (though I'm sure some crept in anyhow), you have been warned._

_PS I was trying to do something subtle last chapter and either I succeeded too well and everyone got distracted by DG and Gulch's antics, or I failed miserably and it was too obvious for mention, the only question is, which?_

* * *

...

Azkadellia felt the blood drain from her face as she stared at the mobat and wondered how anyone could be so terribly cruel. Of all the symbols of the Sorceress' reign, the mobats had been the most visible, the most feared, as they scoured the skies spying, searching, watching, and leaving no place safe for man or beast. That Lord Fastidium should give her one as a gift was a message, carefully planned and cunningly delivered. He wanted the people to remember. Evil, he labelled her for all the court to see, dangerous and unpunished, he declared, a baby mobat for the witch's fledgling, past unforgotten, wrongs unforgiven. Enemy in sheep's clothing.

Az felt Deeg grab a trembling hand with her own, the youngest princess quivered with fury. Distantly the outraged hissing of the Queen and Consort registered in the eldest princess' ears while from the corner of her eye she saw the Tin Man's hand settle on his gun. There was no comfort in their actions, however, no strength in their support, nothing could save the former Sorceress as her hard won, tentative happiness crumbled beneath her in face of this harsh reminder of what she had been. It took every last reserve of strength she had to force herself not to cry...

"What is _that_?"

...then her view was blocked by the uniformed shoulder of one Officer Gulch. Her Othersider, the one man who had no memory of the Sorceress, who accepted the horrors of her past with a blink, saw only Azkadellia in her eyes, and protected her because it was instinctive for him to do so. The only person in the O.Z. who did not see a familiar of the witch's realm, but simply saw...

"It is positively _adorable_," the policeman stated rapturously.

...a small furry animal.

"May I?" he asked hopefully of the Kellian noble. Lord Fastidium, Az observed distractedly through her emotional chaos, was looking distinctly like he'd been stuffed. She made a mental note to remember that later, she had the vague idea it might be funny. It was so _hard_ to think clearly when the policeman threw monkey wrenches into one's downward spirals.

Apparently giving up on a response from the stupefied lord, Gulch moved forward of his own volition and scooped up the former source of Azkadellia's distress.

"Aren't you just the cutest thing," he cooed, cradling the little mobat in one arm while he offered the index finger of his other hand for the infant's inspection. The look of delight on the cop's face when a tiny hand wrapped around the proffered digit erased the witch's stigma from the eldest princess' mind. Noticing Lord Fastidium's astonishment, Gulch defended his actions with a mere, "What? I've always wanted a monkey."

"B-but mobats are evil," the lord stuttered.

"Nonsense," the Othersider scoffed, shaking Azkadellia from her near paralysis, "just because the only ones any of you know about were raised by a centuries old wicked witch? Animals are just like children, raise them to be vicious and that's what they'll be." Turning back to the baby mobat he murmured gently, "You're not evil are you? Don't listen to the mean man, he doesn't intend to be stupid, his education is merely lacking."

The eldest princess could scarcely breathe as the policeman's words penetrated her very being. _Nonsense_, he had said, _You're not evil are you?_ They didn't _have_ to be evil; mobats didn't have to be evil. The witch had made them into a symbol, her symbol. Mobats had become a mark of the Sorceress' reign, a sign of evil, a harbinger of darkness, because the only ones anyone ever saw were the witch's familiars. But they didn't _have_ to be evil, they were simply mobats...and she was simply Azkadellia. The witch had used the princess' hands, cast spells and performed deeds that had turned Az into the personification of the Sorceress, but that had not been _Azkadellia_. That had been the evil, hateful old witch who had decided none mattered besides herself, and Az had merely been a child who'd fallen down.

Azkadellia drew in a shaky breath, and then another, and marvelled how easy and light it felt, almost as if Officer Gulch had wandered into room, lifted the burdens from her shoulders, and turned them over in puzzlement before tossing them carelessly aside with a friendly, "Well we don't need those anymore."

_Nonsense. You're not evil are you?_ Wrapped in epiphany, saved by a country boy's love of animals, Az didn't know whether she wanted to laugh, cry, or scream in jubilation to the heavens. Mental faculties breaking free of the pall cast by Fastidium's malicious insult – the pain still lingered, tearing at the edges of her soul, but she _would_ be free – the eldest princess became aware of and able to process her surroundings once more. She wondered when Officer Gulch would realize what he was doing right now – both in terms of all that he had come to mean to her and in regards to his actions at the present moment, which would be disturbing her birthday ceremony. Not that she minded, though if she heard him say one more fuzzy wuzzy to the itty bitty teeny weenie wittle wingy dingy monkey man Az was probably going to go into a bout of hysterical laughter so long that it would require the guards to remove her from the room to compose herself.

Officer Gulch's ears abruptly turned bright red, and Azkadellia was willing to bet, in the portion of her brain currently functioning at somewhere near normal parameters, that he had just clued into his current situation.

"Do you want to keep it?" Az asked. She could barely recognize her voice, carrying as it was far more emotions than she could name at present.

The policeman blushed harder still. "Sorry," he muttered, tearing his eyes away from the mobat, "It's a gift for you. I didn't mean... that is I didn't intend...I'd be more than happy to help you care for the little guy," he finally managed to stutter out, looking at his charge hopefully.

"Very well," Princess Azkadellia intoned solemnly, desperately trying to control her twitching lip so that she could deliver a message of her own, "Thank you for your kind gift Lord Fastidium. It has pleased us well and shall not be forgotten." _Ever_, she added silently. There was no need to say more, it was rather evident from the way the Kellian lord blanched that he had understood her full meaning. Azkadellia didn't have to put up with this shit, not anymore, her Othersider had said so. Not that he knew it, of course. Completely unversed in the nuances of courtly phrase, Officer Gulch had no idea he'd done to social equivalent of charging in on a big white horse and slaying a dragon. His handling of the situation couldn't have been more masterful if it had been as carefully engineered as Fastidium's attempted slight. _Don't listen to the mean man, he doesn't intend to be stupid, his education is merely lacking._ The lord of the Great Kells didn't even know what had hit him, and even better, Gulch had completely trampled the noble without even noticing him on the way past. Az smiled as the shell-shocked noble moved dazedly away. _I shall recommend him as emissary to the munchkins_, the eldest princess thought with satisfaction.

Azkadellia practically hummed through the next hour of the ceremony then it became apparent she had some damage control to do. This was borne on her rather soundly as one of the ladies of the Winky embassy peeped up at the Othersider and mobat (Whosa good boy? You are!) with obvious interest while presenting her gift. By the time the Royal Gifting Ceremony was over the eldest princess had perfected her new subtle death glare. It seemed a reminder of certain property rights visa vie Officer Gulch was called for.

"What are you going to call him?" the aforementioned cop asked her absently as they made their way from the Great Hall to the Royal Chambers where her family wished to throw her a private party. The question threw her for a moment; she hadn't had the chance to think of anything yet. Looking at the mobat, though, the answer seemed blindingly obvious. What else could it be, given what the little animal now meant to her?

"Kansas," the eldest princess replied.

"Kansas?" Gulch reiterated in apparent surprise.

"Yes. Think of it as a sort of blessing. Kansas: a place of good things. Maybe it will help him be a good little mobat," Azkadellia said softly as she reached over to scratch the infant's head. Kansas: the place that had sent her hope in the form of one open-minded, goodhearted, friendly policeman.

The Othersider looked a bit bewildered by her reply but he shrugged it off as he was wont to do and moved onto the next thing on his mind. "Um, Princess," he said hesitantly, as if worried about something, "I, uh, didn't get you anything."

Az looked at him in puzzlement. What was he talking about?

"A gift, I didn't get you one," he clarified, "Sorry, I didn't know. I mean, I should have known, but I didn't and...and, yeah," he stuttered to a halt, gazing at her with an absurdly anxious expression on his face.

Azkadellia blinked. Didn't get her anything? He _didn't_ get her anything? In a single, honest act of an open and warm heart Officer Gulch had turned aside a social bullet, lifted the burden of _fifteen years_ of guilt, and transformed a cursed offering into an innocent present, and _he didn't think he'd given her a gift? _Correction, Kansas: the place that had sent her hope in the form of one _oblivious_ policeman. "Silly man," said the princess, smiling at her clueless knight.

"I'll make it up to you," he told her earnestly, still under the delusion that a present was required, "Is there anything in particular you want?"

"Oh I can think of something," Azkadellia replied dreamily. _About six feet tall, brown hair and eyes, strong hands, warm heart, and accessorized with a click._

Officer Gulch looked down at his left wrist in utter bafflement.

"We are going out for my birthday," she decided, "DG can babysit Kansas."

"Um, ok?" the cop said, still lost.

The eldest princess sighed; she knew he really had no idea. The Othersider probably thought she meant she wanted the handcuffs for her birthday. Honestly, she'd appropriated those months ago; Royal Decree, taxation for the Crown, whatever you wanted to call it. Oh well, sometimes one must be patient.

"Come on, lawman," Azkadellia smiled, "drinks are on the Cain." Not that he knew it...yet.

"But you don't drink. You're not drinking are you?" the panicked Gulch inquired anxiously.

Az laughed, he _still_ thought he was in trouble. "No, I don't drink," _never again_, she thought with a shudder, "but you do. I think you deserve a few...but only a few," she added holding up a stern finger. Alcohol was foul stuff, and though she was willing to let her bodyguard have some as a reward, she would guard against it nonetheless.

The policeman made no more demur as Azkadellia dragged him out the door. She was skipping out on her birthday celebration but she hoped her family would understand. This was a very special birthday after all, perhaps the truest birthday since she had been born. Today she allowed the burdens of her past to crush her no longer; she acknowledged her mistakes, accepted their consequences, would make what recompense she could, and looked forward to a future where anything was possible. From here on out she faced frontiers new.


	24. Eavesdropper

_Disclaimer: I own naught but plot and the malfunctioning computer I wrote this on._

_Author's Note: This be the chapter you almost didn't get. Seriously, it was this close to being sent to the Story Graveyard. Quality Control sent it back once for revision, and though she called it passable and cute on the second attempt she didn't sound all that enthusiastic. I am a little bit dubious. However, for the next chapter to happen, this has to happen, and since I like next chapter I kind of had to let this one live. So if anyone is disappointed with this one, give it time, perhaps the next chapter will make things right for you. Sorry for the delay, but obviously I was wrestling with my muse. To make it up to you, I am likely to post another fairytale either tonight or tomorrow, depending on turn around – I got bored while waiting for QC to get back to me on the last one._

_PS Exceedingly glad that the accidental elbow I took to the face merely bruised my nose and didn't give me a black eye, people get in such a dither when one walks around with a black eye. And they won't believe it was an accident, either, but then they didn't know me and my penchant for interposing my face between hockey pucks and nets. Sigh._

* * *

...

Azkadellia considered the strange contraption before her. It was monstrous, complicated, and more than a little alien. She wasn't entirely sure what one was supposed to do with it – or rather, she knew _what_ it was meant to do she just didn't know _how_ to make it do it. Too bad the recently returned Ambrose was too preoccupied with all the political goings on that had been in full swing since the O.Z.'s nobles, advisors and assorted members of court had descended upon Finaqua for last night's birthday ceremony. The Royal Advisor was good with machinery – when he wasn't glitching his way to disaster that is – he might have been able to help her. Neither Glitch nor Ambrose was available at the moment, however, so she was on her own. What was it that DG had said to her once? Oh yes, she was woman, hear her roar, Az could figure this out for herself. Just watch her.

To understand just how the eldest princess arrived at her moment of confused woman power, one needed to slip back a mere half hour in time to when she was following the lurking example of her sister's favourite Tin Man...

Az was really beginning to enjoy the little things in life: haunting her Othersider's steps, watching DG and Cain pretend like no one knew they were in love with each other (including themselves), perfecting her glare for use against anyone who might be getting ideas she didn't approve of, eavesdropping on her bodyguards from her hideout on the back stairs...Their conversation as they gathered in the servants kitchen during their off-duty hours made for an interesting diversion from all the diplomatic meetings and political manoeuvring. That Officer Gulch also happened to be in attendance as he endeavoured to figure out what exactly a baby mobat eats was naturally a coincidence.

"Nonsense!" Happy exclaimed in continuation of a rather foolish argument that had been going on for some time, "There is no way, never happen, you ought to seek out a Viewer and get those eyes of yours checked."

"_I'm_ not the one with vision problems," Bashful rejoined hotly, "anyone could see that..."

"Gentlemen," Dawkins interrupted irritably as he poured himself a cup of coffee, "this debate has gone on far too long and is getting absolutely nowhere, hand it over for adjudication. Commander Gulch," he continued, suddenly transforming the formerly scoffed at discourse into a matter of supreme import to the eldest princess, "what do you think?"

"Hmm? Of what?" the policeman inquired absently as he gave up trying to feed Kansas a bottle of warmed milk and instead tried to interest the infant animal in a banana.

Dawkins rolled his eyes. "Of the great question that preoccupies our colleagues' minds: if there were a vote on who's the most beautiful woman in the O.Z., who would win?"

"DG," the cop said without hesitation, causing Dawkins to spill his coffee in shock. Azkadellia froze in place as someone inhaled sharply behind her. Bashful and Happy hastily scraped their chairs away from the Othersider while Sneezy cast an alarmed glance at the back stairs. "No one would dare disagree with the Tin Man," the unconcerned Gulch elaborated as he tossed the banana aside in frustration.

Princess Azkadellia's entire protection detail slumped in relief.

"H-how about if it was secret ballot with absolutely no chance of Cain knowing how anyone voted?" Bashful inquired tentatively with a nervous little laugh, apparently no longer entirely sure he wanted to know the answer.

Gulch snorted, "DG would still win based on the number of voters who still wouldn't want to take the chance." Standing a moment in contemplation, the Othersider turned abruptly, threw open a nearby window and started grabbing leaves off the tree that grew there. "Other than that," he resumed, "you'd just get a mishmash of results as every man in love voted for his lady and everyone else voted for their latest crush or fantasy."

The guards contemplated this a moment while Kansas rejected the tree leaves.

"But surely," protested Happy, "not everyone could claim their girl is the most beautiful in the realm, I mean really..."

"Case in point," the Othersider stated over his gathered foodstuffs, "Farmer Spencer's wife: the woman makes the Papay look like a thing of beauty, but don't tell Spencer that, he'll take your head off. As far as he's concerned she's the most beautiful being to have ever graced the planet. Of course, anyone who's ever tasted her cooking would be willing to swear she's an angel who fell to earth and brought a piece of heaven with her. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, the way to a man's heart is through his stomach, mix them together and you have the Spencers. Mix...hmm," he trailed off abstractedly and reached for the proffered nutrients once more.

"So if you were casting your own vote then...?" Sneezy prodded eagerly.

But they'd lost the policeman's attention. Having finally managed to find the correct food in the combination of warmed milk, mashed banana, and ground leaves, Gulch became completely absorbed in feeding the baby mobat. So absorbed, in fact, that he wandered right out of the kitchen without uttering another word that wasn't addressed towards little Kansas.

Behind in the back stairway, Grumpy finally resumed breathing as the eldest princess was left desperately wanting to know the answer to Sneezy's question.

Which is what brought the Azkadellia to her current predicament; she may not know the answer but she thought she knew a way to sway the results. _The way to a man's heart is through his stomach_. DG had said as much once and Officer Gulch had just confirmed it. If she understood the theory behind this bit of wisdom correctly, then that meant she had to cook something herself for the Othersider's consumption. He did seem fairly enthusiastic on the subject of food.

Tilting her head slightly as she examined the monstrous oven that was the head chef's pride and joy, Az contemplated how to turn it on. The machine was fairly complicated as ovens go, having been specially designed and ordered for the preparation of the royal meals. Still, it was just an oven, people used them every day; Azkadellia had spent fifteen years enslaved to the will of a wicked witch, how hard could a little cooking be?

Fifteen minutes later, Grumpy was dragging an extremely bedraggled princess out of the smoke filled kitchen while Dawkins and Sneezy put out the fire. Bashful and Happy, meanwhile, were struggling to prevent the irate head chef from committing regicide in what was perhaps a justifiable case of temporary insanity. Personally, Azkadellia considered, between coughing fits, that the chef's yells of 'imbecile' and 'devil woman' were a refreshing change from the usual insults she received, at least she'd done something to deserve them this time. When she swore everyone to secrecy on the matter and further suggested that she receive cooking lessons, however, the man's yells cut off with a strangled gargle of horror. Sucking in a few desperate breaths of air, the head chef was elegant and emphatic in his representations of how he would cook Her Highness anything she may desire, but let her near the kitchen again he would not. Looking at the melted remains of the once pristine oven, Az found she could not argue. Perhaps trying to help things along with magic hadn't been the best idea...


	25. Cold

_Disclaimer: I don't own Tin Man, nor do you own Tin Man, I think we should join up and have a revolt over this matter. It could be fun._

_Author's Note: Well most people chose to disagree with me and like the last chapter anyhow, worse still I raised expectations for this one. Whatever shall I do?_

_PS Spent a lot of time thinking of Cain today as I hauled trees off the fence line – anyone who's read 'Thumbelina' should understand why. He would have come in so handy...Also, currently trying not to bleed on the furniture as an idiot cow seemed to think it funny to necessitate my trying to go through barbed wire at speed. That's something that never turns out well for clothing or skin._

* * *

...

Azkadellia had a cold. Yes, a cold, a common, garden variety, completely-incurable-suffer-in-silence-even-in-the-O.Z. cold, that was her story and she was sticking to it. She was most certainly _not_ suffering the ill effects of smoke inhalation due to an unfortunate, completely-not-her-fault-she-was-just-trying-to-boil-water oven explosion the day before. The eldest princess had nothing to do with that, ask any of the witnesses, they'd all say the same (_or else)_. The plus side to having a _cold_ was that Az had been excused from the day's round of diplomatic meetings and social activities; the downside was the attendant guilt resulting from the concerned care of those that worried about the eldest princess' health. It was a short list but all the most important people were on it.

"You are so lucky!" DG exclaimed, bursting into Azkadellia's room in her habitually energetic manner while the Tin Man followed inevitably at a more sedate pace.

This was a most peculiar comment. As odd as the Othersiders seemed to be in their beliefs sometimes, Az was pretty sure that no one could find anything _lucky_ about catching a cold. Which is what she'd done. "I beg your pardon?" she inquired, her voice rasping slightly.

"You are so _lucky_!" Deeg repeated with a grin, "I just saw Officer Gulch heading for the kitchen, do you know what that means?"

Her cover was blown? One of the guards had snitched? The eldest princess was about to fire her entire protection detail (perhaps literally)? "He's hungry?"Azkadellia asked tentatively, testing the waters.

"_No_," the youngest princess huffed in exasperation, "that means you are about to receive Mama Gulch's ultra secret, super effective cure for everything: the chicken noodle soup that surpasses all chicken soups you have ever had on this or the Otherside."

Az blinked at her sister.

"What?" Deeg continued, "Didn't you know Gulch could cook? Well I suppose you wouldn't, it's like pulling teeth to get him to do it and he hasn't had to here, but, really, how do you think he survived all these years? A single man living alone needs to learn to cook or starve, though in Gulch's case, with a mother like his, that wasn't a problem. She probably started training him good and young. I just _know_ she passed that recipe on to him, just wait until you taste it, that soup is to die for."

Somewhat lost in this deluge of new information, the eldest princess grasped at what she considered to be a salient point, "Was his mother a better cook than Farmer Spencer's wife?"

DG snorted, "Never ask that question in Kansas unless you want to start a full-fledged battle. Big rivals those two, split all the cooking and baking contests right down the middle. Add a few beers and my hometown will practically have a civil war over the matter. Which is probably why Gulch is so unwilling to share his cooking, doesn't want to get dragged in, but he's making you some soup right now, I guarantee it," Deeg finished, beaming at Az.

_Um, feeling terribly guilty, dungeon for one,_ Azkadellia thought uneasily. Before she could think further into the subject of her Othersider cooking her soup for the cold she didn't have, DG started speaking again.

"Az," DG said, truly looking at her sister as she sat curled up in the window seat for the first time since entering the room, "what are you wearing?"

"What?" Az replied defensively, "I was cold."

The youngest princess smirked suddenly. "Does Officer Gulch _know_ that you have his jacket?" she asked coyly.

"He never asked for it back," Azkadellia countered.

Across the room, the Tin Man snorted. "_Most_ people," Cain pointed out, whilst speaking to the ceiling, "would have returned it of their own accord."

"Her mother is the queen and her father is a Nebraskan carnie," a new voice interjected, "who are we to expect her to have the slightest notion of personal property? I haven't needed it lately," Officer Gulch continued, entering the room carrying an interestingly laden tray, "besides it doesn't match my official uniform."

DG raised an eyebrow. "I have yet to see you wear the official guard uniform," she stated drily.

"I am currently protesting its existence," Gulch replied as he set the tray on a nearby side table and hauled it within reach of the eldest princess, "my police uniform is practical, the glorified throw rug masquerading as an outfit is not."

"I don't suppose you made enough for me?" DG asked hopefully as the policeman lifted the cover, unleashing a smell so mouth-watering that all thoughts of confessing her sins fled Azkadellia's mind.

"Do _you_ have a cold?" the cop inquired, causing the faintest return of easily overcome guilt, "Perhaps when you catch a cold the Tin Man hasn't managed to shoot first, then I'll make you some soup." Rolling his eyes as the youngest princess gazed at him plaintively, he huffed, "I left Dawkins guarding the rest of the pot. That head chef is the most excitable fellow. I thought he was going to burst into tears when I asked for use of the kitchen, that or have a stroke. Apparently something happened to his precious oven. I don't know why he liked that monstrosity so much, who needs the espresso machine of ovens? Give me your basic stove and regular oven any day."

"What happened to the oven?" DG asked interestedly as Azkadellia decided to explore the soup in depth.

"Don't know, looked like it been on the receiving end of a bombing, though," the unconcerned Gulch responded.

Deeg's eyes widened suddenly and she looked sharply at her sister. The Tin Man's eyes narrowed in quick suspicion as he watched the eldest princess oh so innocently take a spoonful of broth. They were completely forgotten, however, as the soup said hello to Azkadellia's taste buds and promptly decided to throw a party.

"This...this is _divine,_" the eldest princess said in wonder.

"Told ya," DG crowed while the cop blushed and muttered, "My mom's recipe."

"Could your father cook like this?" Az queried in continued awe of the sweet nectar with which she had been gifted.

Officer Gulch burst out laughing. "My dad... my dad," he hooted, "that man could burn _water_."

"Oh," she murmured glancing down at the soup she was restraining herself from inhaling lest she burn her tongue, then a thought occurred to her. "Oh," she repeated brightly, "So can I."

DG and Cain had simultaneous coughing fits. Gulch looked momentarily puzzled by the princess' comment but was distracted by a shrill beeping from his Otherside wristwatch. "Oh bl..ooming bumblebees," he muttered, "I have to go feed Kansas. If you need more soup send DG for it, I'm sure she'll be able to find it," he instructed wryly as he hastened out of the room.

"So," chirped DG the second the door closed on the cop, "what _did_ you try to cook?"

"Not sure," Az replied morosely, staring into her soup, "I never really got that far."

The Tin Man snorted in amusement as his princess giggled at her sister. "Don't worry Az," Deeg said with understanding sympathy as she patted the dejected princess on the shoulder, "there was no point competing in that arena anyhow. Besides you've got his jacket, there's significance to wearing a guy's clothes on the Otherside."

As Azkadellia brightened perceptively and returned to her soup, Cain rolled his eyes and muttered to DG, "Great, now you know she's never going take it off."

The youngest princess merely grinned.


	26. Catalyst

_Disclaimer: I don't own Tin Man, Silence of the Lambs or The Sound of Music – how's that for an eclectic disclaimer?_

_Author's Note: Potential delay in the next few chapters – Azkadellia seems to be taking a nap, though Gulch is trying to pick up the slack. Maybe if we're lucky I'll be assigned more fencing, it's good thinking time, especially when one is in possession of an ipod, though that does lend the hammering a certain...rhythm. And it is impossible to get lonely when the entire blooming cattle herd apparently decides to follow you around bawling their heads off. Shoo!_

* * *

...

Azkadellia wasn't even trying to pay attention to the meeting in progress. The proposed commemoration ball in honour of the Heroes of the Eclipse and those that fell in the struggle to end the Sorceress' reign was important, true, but it was still in the initial stages of planning. The advisors were bound to argue for hours yet as to the venue, duration and cost of the event, not to mention whether or not the ceremony should actually be a ball in the first place. It was sounding more like a funeral to Az when she finally gave up on being attentive and tuned out. Besides, how could she be expected to focus on stuffy old advisors demonstrating their oratory powers when there were far more interesting sights to behold, such as Officer Gulch endeavouring to teach Kansas how to make strange hand gestures.

He looked so...paternal. Little Kansas really was, as DG put it, the cutest little fuzz ball and the Othersider couldn't be more adorably enthralled. The eldest princess had absolutely no idea as to the purpose of the hand gestures but the policeman was endlessly patient with the infant mobat, giving him a coo of encouragement and an affectionate scratch behind the ears every time Kansas attempted to respond. She could just see it now, Officer Gulch in the – perhaps not so distant – future surrounded by a whole bunch of little Gulches, and maybe a few little brown-eyed princesses for him to dote on as well. Six? How about seven? Or would even numbers of each be better?

Turning her gaze hastily back towards the advisors (they got so huffy when they thought you weren't hanging onto their every word), Azkadellia thought she saw caught a glimpse of Cain rolling his eyes. What? Had she missed something? Tuning back in to the proceedings, the eldest princess discovered that the advisors had gotten much farther along in the planning than she had anticipated. A ball it was, apparently, to be held at Central City Palace on the anniversary of the Eclipse, though some were holding out for a more extensive celebration. Taking one last sneak peek at the cop and mobat out of the corner of her eye, the eldest princess resigned herself to paying attention.

"Before we go any farther in these discussions," one of the stuffier old advisors broke in tentatively, "there is, ah, one matter of some import we would like to discuss first."

The Royal Family turned a variety of bored, interested and exasperated faces in the advisor's direction. Az opted for another quick glance at the Othersider as he made a strange one-handed gesture that kind of resembled a beak opening and closing repeatedly.

"My fellow advisors and I discussed this at length when we first considered proposing the Heroes of the Eclipse Celebration and, ah, we, ah, felt it would be best if Princess Azkadellia did not attend."

The room was suddenly so quiet you could hear a vision drop. Az felt phantom pains ghost over still healing wounds. _Not again_. How more many times would she be forced to sit there and listen to people heap blame upon her head?

"You have to understand, Your Majesties," the spokesman continued plaintively, "that this will be an event in commemoration of not only the Heroes of the Eclipse, but also those that fought and died to end a war that, quite frankly, the eldest princess was on the other side of."

_Only because I had a wicked witch running around in my head like it was her own personal playground, and I don't remember her being particularly concerned about any threat from the majority of the then former advisors,_ Azkadellia thought as DG sat forward angrily, mouth opening to deliver blistering retort.

"Please don't misunderstand me," the puffed up advisor insisted, holding up a hand to forestall her, "I mean no disrespect but the fact remains that Princess Azkadellia was the face of the sorceress and even now is seen as the enemy by much of the O.Z. Now that the truth is known, Princess DG herself only escapes censure...

_You dare,_ Az hissed internally as the Tin Man situated at DG's right hand obviously began to have thoughts of eliminating a few council positions.

"...because she was not only very young at the time but she was the one that saved us in the end. And yes," he continued, cutting off DG's attempted heated interjection once more, "we all realize the eldest princess was also quite young when this all started, but the fact remains that the O.Z. saw her constantly since, and well into adulthood, working to destroy the O.Z. while serving as host to the true evil. Frankly, Your Majesties, we don't think it would be appropriate for her to be there when so many feel she is to blame."

_And you, I think,_ the eldest princess pondered angrily as the entire Royal Family practically simmered with rage, _I shall call Dopey. No wait, that would mean you were one of my dwarves, I don't want you as one of my dwarves. Their judgement may be flawed but they are not that stupid._ It really was about time someone set people straight on a few things...

"What I've always wondered," said Officer Gulch absently, drawing everyone's surprised attention, "is who lets young children play in a bear infested forest containing prisons for deranged wicked witches."

...someone like her Othersider for instance. DG sat back slowly, reaching out to give Az a comforting pat on the hand. Azkadellia recognized the gesture for what it was, an invitation should she require her usual defences. She paused, though, well aware that a great deal of her present rage stemmed from the hurt of constant rejection, Az wanted to see where this led. Several of the self-satisfied lords were already looking fairly chagrined.

"Especially considering one of those children was DG," the Othersider continued, "I've known since the first time I pulled her out of Farmer Spencer's bullpen that she was a magnet for trouble. From what I've heard, she demonstrated this quality early on."

DG was starting to look amused and Azkadellia had to admit that, though she had no idea what the policeman was up to – if he even did – it was bound to be entertaining.

"For that matter," Gulch continued reflectively, "who puts a powerful evil being in a prison a five year old can unlock?"

_An excellent point,_ the eldest princess noted with surprise. Why had nobody brought that up before? DG had hardly touched the stone face and it had sprung open to release hell. How careless were the witch's jailors anyway? Absently, Az noticed that the spokesman was looking especially unhappy with this statement; didn't he like to claim he had some lionhearted fellow in his ancestry?

"At the very least they could have made the magic words amount to something more than 'hey, I wonder what's back here'. Might as well of used 'Open Sesame', it's like locking Hannibal Lector up in a kiddie pen."

Okay, now Azkadellia was lost. DG and Ahamo seemed to think the comment hilarious as they tried to stifle their laughter.

"Why _hell-o_ Clarice," Ahamo muttered under his breath causing DG to choke.

"Y-yes, but..." one lord tried to interject, but Kansas chose that instant to mimic one of Gulch's hand gestures, momentarily stealing all the cop's attention for himself.

"All things considered," Gulch mused on, waving his hand by his face, "Princess Azkadellia has done remarkably well. Take the my word for it, any other child raised by a psychopath such as this witch you all talk about would be bathing in your blood and dancing in the fields wearing your spleen as a hat."

"The hills are aliiive with the sound of muuusic," DG murmured back to Ahamo's humorous delight.

"Instead the princess somehow managed to grow into a caring, responsible individual who is not only hell bent on setting things right but also has the interests of the people very much at heart."

Azkadellia forgot all about her family's antics in favour of memorizing and storing away more of those beautiful words her Othersider seemed to like uttering at the oddest of moments.

"Yes, but some people think..." the advisor tried to regain the floor.

"My father always used to say, 'if you wait for everyone to agree with you you'll never get anything done'," the cop interrupted idly, apparently unwilling to yield it. "You know, I think Kansas is hungry," he said, losing all interest in the advisors.

The entire council room was thrown by this sudden shift in thought.

"Perhaps you should get him something to eat," replied Azkadellia, once again caught in the myriad of emotions Officer Gulch tended to inspire when he decided to tread blindly forth into a battle he didn't even realize he was fighting. Her lip was twitching with humour yet she still very much wanted to throw something at the pompous fool calling himself an advisor. Phantom fingers continued digging into broken fragments of her heart and recently dead guilt was attempting to resurrect, though the eldest princess fought it down viciously. Of one thing she was certain, however, as she watched her chief bodyguard hesitate before handing his protection duty over to the Tin Man and exiting the room.

"You know," Azkadellia said contemplatively, "if he keeps doing that, one of these days I'm just going to have to jump him."

Glancing at her Tin Man, DG replied with complete sympathy, "I know what you mean."

The humour left the Ahamo's face like it had been cut off. The Consort looked like he'd been punched in the gut as he rapidly shifted his gaze from the council room doors to Wyatt Cain and back again in absolute horror. The advisors, meanwhile, were preoccupied with the gun the Tin Man had removed from its holster and placed on the table. Apparently Cain thought it was time for the meeting to move past petty debates; Azkadellia agreed with him.

"_I_ am going to the Heroes of the Eclipse Celebration," the eldest princess informed the entire room, breaking them out of their respective stupors. As the advisors turned to her with something akin to shock, it occurred to Az that she had, for the most part, remained silent during the council sessions that had taken place since the monarchy was restored. Insecure and sure that no one would listen to the former Sorceress' opinions anyhow, she'd passed her suggestions through DG and tried to avoid notice. Well that ended today, she was a princess, too, storms take it, they had to listen to her. "In fact I am in favour of the extended celebration notion."

The advisors stared at Azkadellia as if they'd never seen her before.

"We have balls all the time," Az continued, "if we truly want to honour the struggles and the sacrifice of the people, as well rejoice in their success we should make it something more, something bigger."

The Queen was looking alarmingly misty eyed as she gazed on her daughter, so was the Consort for that matter. The eldest princess shifted uncomfortably in her seat, she'd just been making a suggestion, she hadn't meant to make mommy and daddy cry. Turning her gaze back to the unexpectedly silent advisors, Azkadellia discovered that a few of the younger member of the staff, who had, until a moment ago, been fighting a losing battle to their elders, were attempting to smile tentatively at the eldest princess. The smiles still looked like they were about to run away screaming, but it was the thought that counted.

"Um," mumbled one of the younger advisors, raising his hand as if he were still in school, "I w-was thinking that maybe several events held in different locations w-would w-work better. You know, kind of include the various peoples of the O.Z."

"Like the places where events important to the downfall of the Sorceress took place," interjected another advisor, coming suddenly to life.

"How about..." started a third.

Azkadellia sat back in amazement at the sudden furor of brainstorming that her small statement of opinion had sparked among the younger advisors. The elder advisors were looking vaguely alarmed. Beside her, DG grinned and chucked Az affectionately on the shoulder.

Within an hour there was a battle royal going on between the advisors pushing for the standard ball and those insisting on a longer celebration, which was certainly not going to be a month long, no matter which side won, talk about exhausting. Not much was getting accomplished at this point but Azkadellia found herself enjoying the chaos, a little disorder was nice from time to time. In fact the feuding advisors had gotten so loud that they didn't even hear the approaching babble of voices until a rather upset mob of nobles, ambassadors, and, goodness, was that a scullery maid, burst into the room, pushing apologetic Royal Pages and Guards before them.

The Tin Man was instantly on his feet taking a protective stance between the Royal Family and the gathered crowd, his gun held loosely at his side as he waited to see how the situation developed.

"What is the meaning of this?" the Queen demanded in a tone ringing with regal authority.

There was a momentary silence then explanations erupted from everyone at once. Lord Linster, Advisor of Transportation, was saying something about his character being maligned while Tutor attempted to calm him down and explain something else. The scullery maids were complaining about nosy busybodies while another lord seemed to share their opinion. Azkadellia could only assume the maids had been caught up in the angry mob, why else would they dare interrupt a royal meeting for such a trivial matter? They seemed mad, though. Not as mad as a certain northern baron, however, who, for some reason, kept screaming about his underwear. The munchkins were waxing poetical about spies with lies; another advisor was wishing to charge someone with slander for belittling his intelligence while an ambassador claimed to have been held at gunpoint. The list went on and on. It was not until the ambassador screamed about an evil mobat that the necessary ray of light was shone upon the situation.

It was well, Az considered, that she had decided she liked a little bedlam because it seemed that her own personal, oblivious agent of chaos was apparently moving about the palace creating pandemonium.

"My Azkadellia," the Queen said calmly, turning to the eldest princess, "may I borrow those shiny restraints you and Cain like to use?"

"Can't you borrow the Tin Man's?" Az asked, hesitant to surrender her precious handcuffs.

"Cain's busy at present."

And indeed he was. Having apparently spotted a familiar face in the crowd, the Tin Man had backed the unfortunate lord into a corner and appeared to be conducting an interrogation. Az sighed regretfully and handed over the cuffs.

It took a long time to sort out the various grievances and smooth the ruffled feathers. So long, in fact, that they had to adjourn the council session that had been in progress. The eldest princess was secretly relieved about this, the advisors really needed to discuss the celebration further amongst themselves before bringing it before the Royal Family again. Released back into the wild, Azkadellia hastened towards the guards quarters in order to set her Othersider free only to make a new discovery.

Officer Gulch was standing in the hall contemplating the handle of the wardrobe to which he had been bound and singing a quiet lullaby to Kansas through the partially opened door. He had a rather pleasant voice.

"You know," the policeman said calmly, catching sight of the princess out of the corner of his eye, "I could probably break this to free myself if I had to. Would be a shame, though, I think this is handcrafted."

Azkadellia's lips twitched. "Why yes," she replied just as calmly, "made by Gillikin master craftsmen and transported down the yellow brick road, across the Crack in the O.Z. – which is that gorge you so hate to cross so much and not whatever you thought it was when infuriating Lord Linster – and installed right here in Finaqua. How about I unlock the cuffs so that you don't feel obliged to destroy the furniture?"

"Suits me, I need to check on Kansas."

Az barely restrained herself from tackling the cop; she could almost hear the patter of little feet in his words.

The Othersider, meanwhile, was contemplating less pleasant matters with furrowed brows. "I've been warned to stay out of the kitchen; do you think you could...?"

_Uh oh_, the eldest princess thought in panic, _how does one explain they've been banned for the kitchen without admitting why one's been banned from the kitchen?_ Fortunately for Azkadellia, however, Bashful chose that moment to exit his room. The startled guard's eyes widened warily as the princess bent a contemplative gaze on him. He nearly retreated when she smiled. One of the tenets of leadership, she remembered Tutor telling her once: when in doubt, delegate.


	27. List

_Disclaimer: Let's say I give you a little money and you forget about this whole ownership thing. Hey! I said a little money, I don't have a lot! Sigh do not own._

_Author's Note: Guess what I did yesterday...no, not fence. No, not chase cattle (I just finished checking all the darn fences, they'd better hold!). Poured cement columns (properly called pilings I believe) _again_. Augh! Well at least it wasn't the same ones (though from all the discussion going on it sounds like those ones may be in the wrong place. One pair of cement shoes coming right up..._

_PS Sorry the chapter is so very short, next one probably will be, too._

* * *

...

Azkadellia was compiling what was promising to be a long and comprehensive list of people who needed an extensive and potentially painful lesson regarding the ordering of the universe. The eldest princess was not a violent person by nature, she really didn't want to harm another being, but some people seemed to insist on making it necessary. With fifteen years of torturing experience to draw from, Az was sure that she could come up with something that could get the message across without causing lasting damage. She would only do so with the greatest reluctance, of course, but those added to the list really had it coming.

It was a shame daddy's name was right at the top.

"Actually," the Consort was saying to the advisor currently holding the second spot on said list, "it turned out rather well, all things considered. Thanks to the policeman's rather extensive distractions I managed to negotiate a few treaties and agreements that I might otherwise not have been able to pull off. Everyone was so busy calling for the cop's blood they didn't even notice the political pickpocket running through the crowd. Heh, if Baron don Runcible thought I'd stolen his underwear _before_..." Ahamo trailed off in amusement before sobering and continuing in a more serious tone, "Still, I do agree with you, it could have been an outright disaster. If I hadn't been able to renegotiate those agreements or it DG hadn't managed to calm down the Vinkan ambassador..."

"Exactly, Your Highness," the advisor broke in, "that is why I think it unwise for the man to continue in his current post. As long as that Othersider is a member of the eldest princess' protection detail he will continue to be in the position to cause more havoc, potentially of extreme detriment to the O.Z. Frankly, Your Highness, I must recommend that the Othersider be removed from his current duty, perhaps transferred to one less central to the Royal Family, or even have him sent back to the Otherside. He might even be happy to..."

And now they'd officially declared war. Az watched in growing alarm as the Consort seemed to seriously consider this dangerous council. They _could_ not...they _would_ not...she would _never_ allow it.

"We had discussed that as a possible outcome when he first arrived," Ahamo mused, "perhaps it is time..."

"Daddy," Azkadellia's voice rang out imperiously.

The Consort and advisor turned in surprise. "Yes, dear?"

The eldest princess' eyes narrowed, "No."

"Wha...?"

"_No!"_

Ahamo blanched, the advisor took a frightened step back. "Ah, that is, uh, a matter to be discussed another time," the Consort hastened into speech, "and as, ah, the protection details aren't exactly under your, ah, jurisdiction," he told the advisor, "I believe we should move onto topics more pressing matters. Ambrose..."

"Do I know you?" asked Glitch, Ambrose apparently having decided to hightail it to safer mental territory.

"My Azkadellia," the Queen broke in, "I am naturally quite pleased that you have decided to express your opinion in the council chambers but I may I request, dearest, that you refrain from scaring the men out of what little wits they have?"

Azkadellia considered this. "I will be reasonable if they will," she replied, and releasing the Consort and advisor from the weight of her glare she allowed the meeting to resume its course. Mentally reviewing her list, the eldest princess reflected happily that maybe drastic measures wouldn't be called for after all.


	28. Observance

_Disclaimer: If I owned Tin Man don't you'd think I'd tell you? Okay, maybe not, there'd be a lot of jealous people after me after all were that the case. Still, I do not own Tin Man._

_Author's Note: Okaaaay. So last chapter, what I saw in my head and what apparently arrived on screen appear to have been two different things. The way I saw things we had a nameless advisor giving advice likely to be bad for his health and Ambrose/Glitch were innocent bystanders that got caught in the glare and escaped as best they could (Ambrose for safer mental realms and Glitch by disclaiming all knowledge of the Consort). Everyone else (except Quality Control), however, seems to have read a slightly different picture in which Ambrose is the offending party and poor Glitch is the innocent bystander left to deal with the fallout. Not a big difference either way, I say interpret it as you like and I'll go talk to that gremlin of mine that is supposed to be in charge of keeping the story straight – usually I get notified when we change something up but I was left out of the loop on this one._

_PS I now have a bruised forehead (courtesy of a two-by-four, thanks dad) and bruised foot (metal gate panel, thanks again dad, though indirectly this time) to match my bruised nose. Of course, Friday decided to make itself extra special with a true my-life-is-a-Sunday-newspaper-comic-strip moment: the migraine afflicted mother did command unto me to water her greenhouse and so I did, or so I attempted to at any rate. All I wanted to do was turn on the hose, I most certainly didn't want an impromptu shower from a tank of collected rainwater. Stupid jury-rigged watering system of my father's. And as I pulled back on the hose in a manner that mercifully halted the downpour, balancing precariously while I endeavoured to nudge a spare nozzle within reach with my foot in order to have something to secure the haphazard knot I'd tied, I contemplated just what exactly I'd done to deserve this. Woe is me._

* * *

...

Azkadellia watched Officer Gulch with an air of puzzlement. She just couldn't fathom what the policeman might feel he needed to punish himself for. The recent political furor of which he'd been the root cause would have seemed a likely candidate if Az hadn't known for certain that the cop had been displaying this self-flagellating behaviour for quite some time now. In fact, if she recalled correctly, these episodes had begun shortly after Raw had given him an all's clear where his knee was concerned. It couldn't be a result of the whole Emily debacle; as far as the eldest princess could tell the policeman never had quite figured out why she'd been so mad at him. And as Azkadellia had quite magnanimously allowed the matter to drop she sincerely doubted anything had clued him in since.

The idea that the Othersider could have done something for which his sense honour demanded recompense without the eldest princess' knowledge was rejected with hardly a thought. While Gulch may have some strange habits and the occasional tendency to disappear unexpectedly when off-duty, Az generally managed to find him before he could have gotten up to any mischief. Not that the policeman ever got up to mischief, at least not intentionally. Mischief usually attacked him.

"Hi Az," DG's voice broke into the eldest princess' thoughts.

Speaking of...

"What are you doing?" Deeg asked, sitting down next to her sister on the palace steps. "Oh awesome," she uttered excitedly, noticing Azkadellia's preoccupation, "if I'd known he was going to resume his habitual self-torture I would have made that trip to the Otherside ages ago. Oh what I wouldn't give to have my motorcycle and a puddle right now. Or even just a puddle, I'm sure I could do something with a puddle, maybe I should make one...there's a fountain in the gardens isn't there?"

"Habitual self-torture?" Az asked in confusion, breaking in on the youngest princess' evil musings. The twinkle in DG's eyes did not bode well for the object of her thoughts but the eldest princess hoped her sister could shine a little light on the apparent madness of her bodyguard. "Did he do this often on the Otherside?"

"All the time," Deeg answered absently, still contemplating ways to torment The Menace, "lots of people do."

"Lots?" exclaimed the startled Azkadellia, "Is it some sort of religious observance or something?"

"Eh?" the surprised DG faltered, losing the train of her thoughts. Glancing from the cop to her sister and back, the youngest princess' lip twitched minutely. "Oh yes," she replied solemnly, "it is a strenuous rite of self-torment and suffering, performed only by the most masochistic worshippers of santé. It is known," Deeg paused dramatically while watching Gulch complete another circuit of the Central City Palace carriageway, "as jogging."


	29. Wounds

_Disclaimer: So you want me to disclaim something that took me three days to write, do you know how annoying you are? Do not own Tin Man._

_Author's Note: Currently have two reviewers competing for the position of most annoyingly demanding in terms of gimme gimme gimme more stories animegus – my demon reviewer is naturally still winning but that is only because GoldenRoya, unlike nightdrive23, has some indications of patience. I'm sure I still love you guys, once I get past the urge to strangle you. ;)_

_PS I don't know why hanging the rafters seemed to necessitate my being dragged around the garden while clinging onto a rope (which was attached to the rafter which was attached to the tractor dad was driving with such skill) for dear life but apparently it did. Sigh._

_PPS Quality Control calls this one more serious than the chapters have been in a while but still containing funny moments. You have been warned. This chapter was a bear to write so it is what it is._

* * *

...

Azkadellia was feeling guilty, regretful and just a tad petulant. Officer Gulch had looked so terribly forlorn when she'd told him he was banned from the palace for the duration of the day's various council sessions. It had most certainly not been her idea, but it had been agreed, in interest of placating the nay-saying anti-Gulch contingent of advisors, that the Othersider was to be kept out from under political feet as much as was humanly possible. What was especially irksome about the whole matter was that most of the meetings were so trivial as to make it unlikely that the occasionally outspoken cop could even cause any problems. Yet the eldest princess had still been forced to show her bodyguard the door and leave him alone and friendless in what was, to him, a strange city. What if he got lost?

Returning to the council chambers with the intention of speeding these talks along, the eldest princess was thwarted in her efforts when her favourite weapon backfired on her forthwith. Rather than nudging an advisor to pick up the pace, it turned out that Azkadellia's newly patented glare only caused them to stutter and stumble and lose their place, which only served to drag the meeting out even longer. Thus it was that Az was forced to content herself with being out of sorts (because princesses did_ not_ pout), sitting back and enduring. By the time they had gotten to this afternoon's meeting – which had slowly become this evening's meeting and was now threatening to carry over well into the night – the eldest princess was beginning to consider whether the Sorceress' my-word-is-law approach hadn't been the way to go after all.

"Oh, just blow it up already," Azkadellia interjected crossly, breaking in on the seemingly eternal debate regarding what was to be done with the Sorceress' Tower.

"Why's everyone looking at me?" asked Cain.

"Because the voice sounded like Az but the words seemed more like a certain Tin Man," DG explained. Cain lifted an eyebrow.

"That tower represents a great deal of labour and expense drawn from the people of the O.Z." an advisor stated belligerently.

"_Slave_ labour," muttered Deeg, "sweat, blood and _tears_. Lots of tears. And blood."

"I understand your point, Spitfire," Ahamo broke in, "but it seems a shame to waste a perfectly solid structure when it could be given new purpose."

"Oh really," DG said archly, "and if they start renting out space in Auschwitz are _you_ going to move in?"

None of the O.Z. denizens understood the reference but the effect it had on the Consort was profound. With a haunted expression Ahamo faced the direction where, unseen to his eye, the Tower cast its shadow upon the land he had come to love and call home. "Tear it down," he whispered, "leave no brick standing, burn it and spread its ashes to the wind."

A heavy-laden silence that only two beings present understood filled the council room. The assembled lords and advisors shifted uncomfortably for several minutes before one of them finally dared to break it, "Some thought that the Tower should be left as a reminder for the people of the darkness they faced and overcame," one of the lords put forth.

"I think they'll be able to remember just fine without it," Azkadellia cut in sharply.

"Why don't we let the people do the tearing down?" suggested the youngest princess, "They might find it cathartic."

"Maybe as the finale to the Eclipse Celebration...?" mused a youthful advisor.

"You want to make _the Tower_ one of the venues for the Heroes of the Eclipse Celebration?" an elder lord inquired scathingly.

"Why not? That's where the battle against the Sorceress was finally won," the younger man defended and the room sank once more into interminable debate.

Azkadellia sat back in annoyance. At this rate her Othersider was going to be forced to sit on the palace walls twiddling his thumbs all night waiting for the political ban to be lifted. That is unless something had happened to him. So help her, if something had happened to her bodyguard because the council of busybodies couldn't come to a decision...

"Y-y-your H-highness?" a voice whispered suddenly into her ear, causing the eldest princess to jump in surprise.

"S-sorry, Your Highness, s-sorry," Bashful stammered dreadfully, "d-didn't mean to startle you, i-it's just that w-we've received a m-message regarding C-commander Gulch."

"_What?_" Az hissed anxiously, drawing the attention of those closest to her, "What happened to him?"

"N-nothing," the guard assured her hastily, stuttering even worse, "I-it's j-just t-that he's b-been arre-arrested."

"Arrested? For what?" DG demanded incredulously, "Surely he didn't forget to pay for his beer again."

"B-Bar f-fight," was the response that drew the Tin Man's attention.

"A bar fight?" Cain questioned with lifted brows, "Gulch? With whom?"

Bashful, Azkadellia noted, looked like he wanted to sink into the floor. "W-w-with L-l-l-lieutenant J-j-jeb C-cain," the unfortunate guard stuttered, backing away nervously.

"_WHAT?_" the Tin Man bellowed, effectively bringing the discussion to a screeching halt. Casting a cursory glance at the assembled lords, Cain fired off a 'Sorry for the interruption, got things to do' and strode purposefully towards the door.

"As do I," the eldest princess stated, rising to her feet.

"Ooh, me too," Deeg exclaimed excitedly, jumping up.

"Ah, Your Highnesses," Ambrose interjected, "we are in the middle of a somewhat important issue here."

Tossing a glare over her shoulder without even bothering to slow, Az enunciated clearly, "You already know my opinion: blow the storm-ridden thing up. I have more important matters to deal with."

"I vote tear it down," DG announced gleefully, practically skipping out of the room, "interesting times lay this-a-way."

"Don't care," opined the Tin Man, "You," he growled, hauling the hapless Bashful along by the throat, "where are they?"

"F-f-fifth P-precinct," was the guard's strangled reply.

"Have fun!" Glitch called out as the doors closed behind the group. "It's all about rhythm," he informed the flabbergasted lords.

Cain had calmed down some by the time they reached the Fifth Precinct Law Station. "All right, Princesses," the Tin Man said, opening the door, "let me do the talking and we'll get this sorted...out," Cain faltered as he caught a glimpse of the inside of the building.

"Oh my," DG uttered in awe, "isn't that one of Ahamo's guards? And most of your protection detail? Half of the Queen's? And that is definitely all of mine."

"And over there," Az chimed in, "looks to be half of the Royal Army. What _happened?_"

"If anyone tells you, please let me know," a passing tin man begged as he struggled to keep members of the respective groups in their apparently designated corners, "all the soldiers will say is nobody attacks one of their own and gets away with it, and all the guards will say is that he had it coming and maybe the soldiers should refrain from sucker-punching people in the back."

"Ush shucker punsch?" a drunken soldier objected belligerently, "I'sh'ore wish guard tha' shtarte' i'."

"Ol' Gulschy hit'im in da facesh no' da back," an equally drunk guard rallied to the call, "no' like _yur_ comm'ade."

"Wh' oo!" the soldier howled surging drunkenly to his feet.

Cain's gun was out of the holster before the princesses even had time to register that they were standing in the no man's land between two angry mobs. "Sit. Down," the Tin Man rumbled with deadly seriousness. Still glaring at the soldier, Cain swung the gun around to point behind him. "You, too," he commanded. The stirring crowd froze then settled.

"_Thank_ you," exclaimed another tin man who'd come rushing forward to help quell the gathering riot, "we don't have enough cells to hold them all and if we don't release them separately and far apart they start fighting again."

"Not a problem," replied the Tin Man, "Guards!" he barked, turning to face the battered protection detail members, "You are to report back to the palace _immediately_ and shall remain in your quarters for the remainder of the night. This man," Cain continued, snagging a nearby tin man, "will release you from your bindings when you get there. Is that understood?"

Everyone, including the tin man, nodded in understanding and slowly began shuffling out the door.

"Soldiers," he ordered, turning back to the rest of the combatants, "you shall remain here for a full fifteen minutes then, and only then, can you head back to your barracks. This man," he grabbed another tin man, "will release you once you arrive and you will remain there until you sober up, _or else_."

"Bu'..."

"Yes?" Cain asked, his voice silky and dangerous.

"Ne'er min'."

"Now, if someone could tell me where Commander Gulch and Lieutenant Cain are to be found..."

"Down the hall, to the right, speak to the desk," replied the tin man supervising the departure of the Royal Guards.

"Much obliged. Highnesses," Cain murmured, ushering the princesses onwards.

There was a group of tin men gathered around the desk at the end of the hall, all laughing at the apparently humorous story their colleague was regaling them with.

"I'm telling you," the man said through his own chuckles, "man's drunk out of his tree, raging fit to take on the whole world, and he stops to tell me how to throw him down properly. Unreal. Move works, too," he continued through the uproarious laughter, "maybe we ought to hire him on as an instructor."

"Excuse me," the Tin Man interjected.

"Oh," said the storyteller, looking up, "you'd be here for Cain and Gulch, then."

"Yes, is there anyone that could tell us what exactly happened?"

The storyteller grimaced, "Not rightly, no," he replied, "no one's talking, not even him," the tin man jerked his thumb in the direction of a forlorn and vaguely familiar individual standing off to one side, "and he's the one bringing the charges. All anyone will say is that the guard commander threw the first punch and that it basically turned into a big brawl from there."

"Gulch threw the first punch?" said the surprised Cain, turning towards the tavern owner "Why?"

The barkeep in question wouldn't meet the Tin Man's eyes. Glancing warily at the princesses he muttered nervously, "Man had his reasons."

"And those were?"

"His own," the barman informed the ceiling, studiously keeping his eyes away from Cain's glare.

"Don't bother," the tin man at the desk broke in, "that's all any of them will say."

"Then I guess we'll have to get it direct from the Viewer's mouth."

"Good luck with that. Cain's in the door to the right, Gulch to the left."

"Alright, DG, how about you go have a little chat with Gulch while I have a heart to heart with that son of mine?" the Tin Man suggested.

"What about me?" Azkadellia broke in, she'd been following quietly all this time but she had a right to see to her bodyguard, storms take it.

"If you don't mind, Your Highness, perhaps you could see what you can do about those charges," Cain responded.

Oh, well that she could do. The eldest princess turned to the accusers and glared. It took surprisingly little time for the tin men and tavern keeper to see reason.

"Now we all agree then," she was saying not ten minutes later, "that if the damages are paid and the responsible parties offer a formal apology to the aggrieved parties then this whole matter can be considered settled."

"Um," the barman attempted before the eldest princess' gaze focused on him and he lost all objections, "Sure."

"Oh for storm's sake," the tin man exclaimed suddenly, his attention focused some distance down the hallway, "don't bring them out together...well, there they go again."

Glancing up to see the source of the disturbance, Azkadellia was astonished to see Cain struggling to keep the bound Jeb and Gulch away from each other via a stranglehold on each of their necks. Then something else caught her eye. "What did you do to his _face_?" she shrieked.

With a split lip, blood dripping down his chin, and a steadily darkening black eye, Officer Gulch was looking decidedly worse for wear. Not as bad as his assailant, true, as she thought she heard the dratted boy mutter something to that effect, but Az really couldn't care less about the state of Jeb's face. His eyes, he'd hurt her Othersider's eyes, Azkadellia _liked_ Gulch's eyes. The eldest princess' attention fixed angrily on the young resistance fighter.

"Never mind that now," Cain said hastily, pulling Jeb protectively behind him.

Did the Tin Man think he could _stop_ her? She was going to..._oh_, Az thought distractedly as Gulch was pushed into her path.

"Can we please just get them back to the palace?" Cain asked in exasperation.

"What was this about anyhow?" the eldest princess inquired, trying to examine her bodyguard's wounds. They looked so much worse up close, there was a blood spot in one of his eyes, another bruise forming on his jaw...and he wasn't cooperating by holding still at all. Indeed, the policeman was far too preoccupied with squaring up for another round with young Jeb and Azkadellia could swear the cop had just shifted to shield her from the resistance fighter's view.

"That's it!" the Tin Man stated in annoyance, startling Az, "New plan." Stepping forward he wrenched the locks off the blocky wooden restraints hampering the drunken combatants and, to everyone's surprise, slammed something shiny down in their place.

_This is not the time for clicks_, the eldest princess protested to herself, staring at the handcuffs now binding her Othersider to the dratted boy.

"You two," Cain ordered, "are staying here until you work whatever this is out. I don't care how. Beat the crap out each other if you want, just get it done. I'll be taking the princesses back now."

"But..."Azkadellia objected. She'd come all this way just to _get_ her bodyguard, she hadn't seen him all day!

"Leave it Az," advised DG, tugging her sister inexorably towards the door. The eldest princess followed reluctantly. She didn't want to leave her Othersider behind but both Deeg and the Tin Man seemed anxious for her to leave and she trusted their judgement.

"Why are we leaving them behind when the whole purpose of this trip was to bail them out?" Azkadellia questioned reasonably.

"Because they are drunk, belligerent and spoiling for a fight," replied the unmoved Cain.

"And we did bail them out," DG chipped in.

"But Gulch was hurt!"

Cain's lip twitched. "Happen to look at Jeb at all, Your Highness? Looks to me like Gulch was winning, the man can take care of himself."

Unconvinced, Azkadellia glanced back at the station mournfully but continued on in stoic demonstration of how princesses did not pout.

The eldest princess continued to not pout all the way back to the palace; she did not pout as they re-entered the council chambers where she decided to be extremely out of sorts upon learning that the debate was _still_ ongoing. The incensed former Sorceress shortly thereafter informed the assembled lords and advisors that either they vote to demolish the Sorceress' monument to pain, suffering and eternal darkness or she was going to experience a relapse and do it herself. It took the council precisely thirty seconds to add Tower demolition to their list of Heroes of the Eclipse Celebration events and Azkadellia was free to not pout her way back to the Royal Chambers.

"Can we go get Officer Gulch now?" Az asked the Tin Man as soon as the doors closed.

"No."

"Why not?" she demanded.

"Because it is far too late for Royalty to be roaming the streets," he replied.

"Fine, can you go get him then? Your son, too, if you want," the eldest princess offered as bait.

"Not yet."

"Why not?"

"They haven't had enough time to beat some sense into each other yet."

"_Beat_...go get my bodyguard!" Az commanded.

"No," Cain responded.

Azkadellia shot him a glare, the Tin Man merely returned it with one of his own. The eldest princess narrowed her eyes, Cain remained unmoved. DG looked from one to the other, shrugged and challenged Glitch to a game of chess. Az narrowed her eyes still further; the Tin Man didn't even waver. Glitch took three of the youngest princess' pawns and a castle in the same move before Ambrose corrected him and pointed out that they were in check, the eldest princess and the Tin Man were refusing to blink. Deeg declared checkmate, wished Raw and Glitch a goodnight and decided to see if she could disrupt the staring contest by making faces at the combatants. She couldn't.

"Well," DG stated loudly, having finally grown bored, "I'm going to go pick up our jailbirds then."

Cain intercepted her before she'd gotten two steps, silently ordered her into a nearby chair and was out the door before another word was spoken.

"Thanks Deeg," Az said gratefully, "Why was he being so stubborn?"

"He's upset," her sister replied, "You know how he likes to know everything, and now Gulch and Jeb are having it out and no one will tell him why. What guesses he can make probably aren't making him any happier either," the youngest princess finished with a grimace, "ten chances to one he's going to interrogate them all the way back."

Apparently the interrogation was a lengthy one as Azkadellia was reduced to pacing out a detailed map of the O.Z. on the royal carpet while she waited. Their arrival was heralded by a great deal of protest as the still bound Jeb and Gulch were hauled into the room by their ears.

"Dammit Cain," the policeman muttered, not yet aware of the princesses' presence, "I'm not a child."

"Prove it," the annoyed Tin Man replied, unlocking the cuffs and shoving the miscreants towards chairs on the opposite side of the room from each other.

"Did you find out...?" DG began.

"Don't even ask," Cain cut her off abruptly, "it just sets them off again. Every. Damn. Time. Let's just patch them up and send them to sleep it off then maybe I won't have to shoot either of 'em."

"Fine," Deeg sighed, "Az can you...Az?"

The eldest princess was not responding; she was too busy staring at her bodyguard in absolute horror. _His. Face._ In the time it took her to convince the Tin Man to go retrieve the brawlers her Othersider had acquired a second black eye to go with the first, a broken nose, and a fat lip. A cut located just below his hairline oozed blood and his forehead looked bruised as if someone had slammed it against a hard object. The blood spot in his eye, Azkadellia noted, twitching slightly, had grown so that it now rimmed the iris.

"Az?"

"_What. Have. You. Done_?" she hissed, coming to life, "What did you do?" the eldest princess demanded whirling around to face Jeb, "Look what you did to his face! Why did you have to fight? What in the O.Z. could be so important?" she continued, turning back to Gulch, "It was the alcohol wasn't it, that foul, mind numbing poison that robs one of intelligence and spurs on stupidity. Why do you have to drink that...that...you're _bleeding_," Az's voice cracked.

"Um," the policeman tried. He was watching her warily, as were DG and the Tin Man. Even Cain's son was observing her with widened eyes, well, as much they could widen at the moment anyhow as they were practically swollen shut. Jeb seemed distinctly bewildered. He wasn't allowed to look bewildered, that was Gulch's expression, it was her favourite expression and it might be damaged now thanks to that dratted boy. She needed Raw.

"Az! Az where are you going?" the youngest princess asked in alarm as Azkadellia strode purposely towards the door.

"To get Raw."

"But it's the middle of the night, he went to bed, you can't wake him up just for this."

"Yes I can."

"Look, Az, they'll be fine 'til morning, just..." DG continued to protest but was interrupted by the opening door.

"Raw not want to be dragged out of bed," said the weary looking Viewer as he entered the room, "Floor hard. Brought supplies, fix Gulch, fix Jeb."

"Raw!" exclaimed Azkadellia, grabbing hold of the Viewer and hauling him across the floor, "Fix him," she begged.

The Viewer shook his head, "Jeb needs Raw more."

"But..."

"Azkadellia clean up bodyguard, Raw sees, Raw fixes," he murmured gently handing the princess a bowl of warm water and a clean cloth from the supplies he'd brought. Across the room DG was already commanding a fidgety soldier to stay still as she attempted to find Jeb's face under the mess Gulch had made.

"It'd bot dat bad," the policeman said through his fat lip, still watching the eldest princess carefully. His blackened eyes widened in alarm as Az started tearing up, "Breally it'd bot, just books bad."

"Your _face_," Azkadellia whinged, gripping the bowl tightly.

"Bill heal," the cop reassured, "Basn't binning any booty contests anybow. Bay I hab da bater bow?"

Remembering instantly Raw's instructions, the eldest princess rushed forward with the water, unfortunately her hands were trembling so much she ended up dumping half of it all over the cop.

"Bere, bow 'bout I take dat," Gulch said hastily, reaching out. He had to move fast to catch the bowl as it slipped from her suddenly nerveless fingers.

"_Your_ _hands_," Az uttered in a harsh whisper, "He hurt your _hands_." Azkadellia didn't even try to fight back the tears that were rapidly blurring her vision. His _hands_, her Othersider's comforting, caring, reassuring hands were bloodied and battered, the skin broken and peeling back from the knuckles as if the cop had spent the night pounding them against a dense object. "_You,_" the eldest princess hissed angrily, starting to turn towards the dratted boy once more.

"Bey bow," Officer Gulch cut in, "neber bind hib, Baz-pwincess, by hanz bib bore dabage to hib face den hib face bib to by hanz. See," he said, dipping his hands into the bowl, "id books borse den id is."

Examining the hands carefully, Azkadellia reluctantly had to agree. Glancing back up, she began to hope that maybe just maybe the case might be the same for his face as well. "Raw still needs to tend to your face," she informed him, her voice still a bit wobbly as she dipped the cloth into the water, "Hold still." Gulch grumbled slightly but obeyed as Az worked to rediscover the cop under the mess Jeb had made. "I still don't know why you felt the need to pick a fight with the Tin Man's son," she scolded gently, "what if Cain had decided to do something about that?"

"Bought of dat."

"And?"

"Bidn't care. Still bon't. Bo id again ib I hab do."

"No you won't," Az commanded sharply.

"Yes I bill," Gulch insisted obstinately.

Azkadellia opened her mouth to issue a mildly harsh rebuke then thought better of it. The policeman was, no doubt, still fairly drunk. It would account for his current disobedient belligerence. Honestly, why did he drink that stuff? She was going to have to ban it. Sighing, the eldest princess let the matter drop...for now. Othersider bodyguards, they took so much looking after.


	30. Front Row Seats

_Disclaimer: Potentially experiencing memory problems here, but I don't own Tin Man, do I? Yeah, that's what I thought, sigh._

_Author's Note: Doh I udderstand dat da boken dose bat bip dalk bas a bit bard ta bead. By apobogees, bill try ta bake id beddar in da foodur. Deheheh. Ahem. Sorry about that, it seems that the hammer that fell off the deck and conked me on the head (with the claws no less) rearranged my speech patterns. So what else is new?_

_PS It is amazing how reasonable people get when you threaten to strangle them – I've been given permission to write at my own pace, isn't that nice? And I didn't notice those subtle flattering prods you guys snuck in, nope, didn't notice them at all. Evil little beasties. ;)_

* * *

...

Azkadellia was beginning to suspect that her guards had figured out her secret eavesdropping hiding place. How _else_ could they so successfully thwart her efforts to discover the reason behind the great drunken battle that had nearly destroyed a certain Central City bar not three days previously? It was incredibly irksome not to mention theoretically impossible that the details had been kept so effectively hush-hush. The O.Z. and the Otherside had identical colloquial sayings regarding gossips abhorrence of a vacuum after all, yet it seemed as if all participants and witnesses had formed the Secret Society of Those That Were in the Bar, the sole purpose of which being the refusal of information dispersal to Those That Weren't. As far as the eldest princess could discover, the only person to have been granted honorary membership to the club was Wyatt Cain, even the soldiers and guardsmen not present weren't given the details, merely told either Gulch or Jeb were at fault and urged to join their comrades in their growling war against the other side.

Even Cain, however, didn't seem to have all the details. Az wasn't sure what exactly tipped her off to this – she had been unable to eavesdrop on Jeb's morning confession to his father, her Othersider had been polite but uncharacteristically obstinate in his determination to lead her inexorably away from the conversation – but there was something in the way everyone involved was still somewhat twitchy around the Tin Man, as if there was something he didn't know and they were terrified he'd discover. The eldest princess was sure it went against the ordering of the universe but even DG had been coming up empty in her search for knowledge – everyone, including Cain, was stonewalling her. It was unprecedented, it was unnatural...it made one exceedingly curious.

She had her guesses, Azkadellia wasn't stupid after all. Jeb was a long time member of the resistance – storms, he'd led the final assault on the Tower – she used to be the Sorceress, in body if not soul, and Officer Gulch was her inexplicably loyal bodyguard, it was fairly simple math. Especially given the fact that Gulch always seemed to position himself between Az and Jeb on the few occasions the three were within sight of each other. Such a shame the lieutenant jumped at the opportunity to take a post far, far away, the eldest princess had been enjoying the protective display. What she didn't understand, though, was why everyone felt the need to keep whatever it was the dratted boy had said so quiet – it's not like anyone had made the attempt to disguise their opinion of the former Sorceress before so why start now? And then there was that strange tension overshadowing Jeb's leave-taking – Cain's son had been just as twitchy around the Tin Man as everyone else seemed to be. If the young resistance fighter truly had come clean to his father then there was no reason for him to be so tense. Sure, Cain reportedly hadn't taken the explanation well, but still...so aggravating.

Well she wasn't learning anything sitting here, the princess thought with disgust, giving up for the moment. Behind her on the stairs Dawkins sighed with relief as his charge rose and moved away from the kitchen door. The resistance fighter turned bodyguard was having a tough time of it recently as both sides of the current turmoil seemed to think he should take their stance. Given that Dawkins had been in the palace preparing to relieve Bashful of guard duty he was amongst Those That Didn't Know, Azkadellia wondered what the man thought of his former comrades-in-arms squaring off against his current ones. Az couldn't remember it being particularly pleasant the last time her loyalties were divided, and since her loyalties hadn't been divided so much as kidnapped it had to be so much worse for the ex-soldier. How did one choose when one didn't know the _reason_ to choose?

"Dawkins," Azkadellia inquired as she walked, "why did you choose to join my protection detail?"

The Royal Guard turned in surprise at the sudden question. "Front row seats," he replied plainly.

"Front row seats?" Az repeated in astonishment.

"Sure," the guard grunted then elaborated, "the Royal Family is terribly entertaining; being on one of the protection details is the most exciting job around. Of course," he drawled as they turned a corner, bringing Officer Gulch into view and immediately distracting the eldest princess' attention, "I had absolutely _no_ idea just how amusing it would be at the time."

The Othersider was running wildly about the palace grounds, his hands lifting Kansas above the cop's head as he went in an apparent attempt to teach the infant mobat how to fly. Or at least give him the feel for it anyhow...or something. The baby animal was screeching in delight and began waving erratically to the princess who was, without conscious thought, already racing to join them.

"Poor blind fool," Dawkins opined with a wry smile as he moved to follow, "doesn't have a headcase's notion how doomed he is."


	31. Calm

_Disclaimer: There is so little here to disclaim yet I shall do so anyhow – do not own Tin Man_

_Author's Note: Just an extremely short chappy before we move onto the main event we've all been waiting for (or at least I have). It's not particularly funny or particularly anything, it just is – though Quality Control says I'm being a tease._

_PS Would everyone stop falling in love with my side characters already? It's really disturbing, though I guess you understand now how I got stuck with Dawkins. ;)_

* * *

...

Azkadellia was beginning to worry about her bodyguard, he was acting most peculiar. He had always been a bit of a, well, a bit of an Othersider, but his behaviour these past couple of weeks had become increasingly bizarre. His religious observances had a near frantic pace, his off-duty disappearances had become alarmingly frequent, and he was often to be found cleaning his gun. If the eldest princess didn't know better, she'd also swear he'd been shooting holes into the wall of one of their unused sheds.

What was really bothering her, though, was all the extra chores he'd taken on. Officer Gulch was all over the place, helping a maid carry a coal scuttle here, aiding a repairman in fixing a roof there, chopping and stacking wood in the morning, mucking out stalls in the evening, if there was manual labour to be found, Gulch was all over it. Frankly, it was scaring Azkadellia. Farm work, she knew, was full of these kinds of tasks; Az was afraid that her Othersider was becoming homesick for a certain cozy little house on a well-maintained homestead.

"Oh that's not it," Deeg reassured her when the eldest princess confided in her sister, "that's not the reason at all."

"Then why?" Az demanded anxiously.

"Same reason he's doubled your guard round the clock," DG replied nodding to where Sneezy and Happy were hovering discreetly in the background, "same reason Cain almost shot a chamber maid for sneezing, it's his way of coping."

"With what?" asked the puzzled princess.

"The calm before the storm," a grim Tin Man answered.


	32. Retribution

_Disclaimer: If you don't want to get shot, I would suggest ducking 'cause the bullets are about to fly, though while we are playing dodgeball I will admit that I still don't own Tin Man or Mystery Men._

_Author's Note: Well here we are at last, I've been looking forward to this one and I think it arrived on screen almost as well as it appeared in my brain so I hope you enjoy. Quality Control liked it. By the way, everyone wave hello to QC, apparently I managed to make her as worried about my stories as I am so she started reading the reviews. This led her to start checking out my Author's Notes as well because she wanted to know what the heck some of you guys were referencing and how the hell you knew more about what was going down on the farm than she did. So now she has an easy way to keep track of my life. She thinks I'm accident prone. _I_ think she shouldn't talk, _I'm_ not the one who managed to put the rake on the tractor (field rake not garden rake). And before you even try to rebut with that little trike flipping incident, I would just like to say that that could have happened to anyone (and does all the time), putting the implement being pulled by the tractor on top of the tractor takes talent. ;P_

_PS Welcome everyone to the sibling war, lucky for you QC can only direct her comments to me. _

* * *

...

Azkadellia had been expecting this, deep down in the darkest reaches of her soul she had been waiting, watching now in silent resignation as the frenzied, enraged mob of resistance fighters poured through the doors of the Council Chambers the eldest princess of the O.Z. knew that retribution had come for her at last. There had been too much pain, too much death, too much suffering and loss for her to have escaped this fate. The guilt was not hers, had never been hers, but it had used her name, shown her face and now it was Az that must pay the price for fifteen years of darkness. Her greatest relief and regret in this moment was that Officer Gulch was not by her side. He at least would be spared, the man that had brought sunshine into the last days of her life need not be sacrificed for her sake, she did wish she could see him again, though, if only one more time.

The day had started out so unremarkable; it's events so habitually commonplace and insignificantly wonderful she never had the slightest inkling that today would be the day she died. Her Othersider had attempted to give her instruction in the same strange hand gestures he used with Kansas so that, someday, she too could understand what the little mobat attempted to communicate. Az had been so inept and clumsy in her efforts but the cop was as unfailing patient and gentle with her as he was with his infant and Azkadellia could have been happy to have lived frozen in that instant in time for all eternity. Such a small, simple memory but the eldest princess drew its brightness about her like a shield, protecting herself against the sorrow for what might have been. All over now, gone as she had known – though she'd been allowed for a time to forget– that it must; over and done, time to pay the reaper.

Life seemed to have slowed about the eldest princess the instant the first grief-maddened soul had burst through the door. She'd seen with such crystal clarity as the Tin Man, appearing to move so impossibly fast despite the quicksand of time she now experienced, whirled her sister clear and into the nearest shelter he could find, his gun seemingly leaping from its holster in her defence. _Keep Deeg safe_, Az begged in the trapped confines of her mind. Not a beat later Ahamo and Ambrose were moving, dragging the Queen back as their protection details dove forward to secure them in a nearby alcove. Dawkins and Grumpy were immediately at Azkadellia's side, the Gillikin – _how silly_, she thought in some detached corner of her mind, _but I can't remember his name_ – grunted as he overturned the heavy oak tables to provide what cover he could, hauling her down behind it. The former resistance fighter, the eldest princess noted within the space of her heightened awareness, looked tortured, pained, _anguished_ as he brought his weapons to bear against those that had once been comrades, friends...brothers. But he did not hesitate as he opened fire.

The mob seemed endless, tearing through the doors and hurling themselves at anyone within reach, the gunfire was deafening. Furious, almost insane eyes focused on the eldest princess and the horde surged forward. Grumpy and Dawkins ran out of ammo at the same time, Azkadellia saw inevitability reaching out for her only to hear the sound of familiar revolver bark out and cut it down. Slowly, ever so slowly it seemed, Az turned her head to once more catch sight of Cain, his face determined, implacable as he gunned down all that threatened his princess and all those she cared about. Azkadellia almost had hope then, the Tin Man had never failed her sister, would never fail her sister, the world might try to end but Cain would hold it together out of sheer stubbornness for DG.

Then the first bullet tore into the Tin Man and Azkadellia flinched as if she too had been shot. Cain kept fighting; the wound didn't even slow him down. A second bullet ripped into him. _Oh no, oh please no,_ Az begged, _don't take him, don't take Deeg's Tin Man, take me, take me instead._ The third bullet nearly knocked the Tin Man down; he gritted his teeth and raised the revolver once more, too slow, a throng of mad men rushed forward. _Oh no, no, no,_ the eldest princess wept internally as Dawkins drew his old army sword and Grumpy reached for an ancient dagger, but there were too many, far too many as they overwhelmed her guards, pushing them back as Azkadellia's wish was granted – a man, crazed and howling, grabbed her hair and wrenched her painfully out over the tables. This then, was the end. _Please let my family be saved_, she prayed...

...and suddenly the sound of unfamiliar weapons fire shredded the air in rapid succession and Az's assailant jerked violently as three bloody holes were torn into his chest. The man looked vaguely surprised as his grip on her hair loosened and he fell limply to the floor, allowing the eldest princess an unobstructed view of her saviour. Officer Gulch stood in the ruined doorway, service pistol held in an easy two-handed grip, looking as she'd never seen him before. An errant thought clambered for attention but she did not have time for it right now. Azkadellia had always known there was more to her Othersider bodyguard than anyone in the O.Z. seemed willing to admit, but even she was surprised by the sudden intensity of his demeanour. This, she realized suddenly, was what Cain had seen in Gulch, seen so clearly that the Tin Man had been willing to take on the entire Royal Family and Court of Advisors in order to secure the cop's services on the eldest princess' behalf. Gulch's eyes were cold and calculating as he moved, his gun tracking in fluid, practiced motions as he selected new targets and put them down, yet behind all that discipline something _burned_.

The absent thought nudged Az again but she couldn't focus on it. Distantly she noted that the recovering Tin Man's revolver was barking out once more as he and the suddenly violently energetic Glitch aided the policeman in parting the bloodied sea of bodies. He had always seemed so clueless, the eldest princess mused dreamily, well intentioned, sure, but often a bit bumbling and unorthodox in his approach to problems, though providing effective and capable solutions that she'd recognized if no one else had. He wasn't bumbling now.

It took Gulch mere seconds to reach Azkadellia's side. That insistent thought practically did back flips in her mind as the policeman bent, hooked a hand under her arm and hauled her back into relative safety, his gun still tracking enemies. Az was vaguely aware of how impressed she was by the strength required to do this. It occurred to her that this wasn't the first time she'd thought herself doomed only to have her Othersider come charging unexpectedly to the rescue. She realized belatedly that she really should have expected it; DG wasn't the only one with an unfailing protector.

The gunfire slowly died down as the former resistance fighter's broke and ran. The guards flung themselves forward to cut off their escape. Grumpy cursed furiously as his opponent tried to fight free while Dawkins let out a pained gasp and clutched a hand to his side. _Still alive_, the eldest princess thought with distant happiness, unable to focus on much beyond her Othersider. Her heart almost stopped in sudden fear when her former attacker's arm twitched and his hand tightened on his knife. Gulch was moving almost before she had a chance to truly comprehend the danger, the butt of his gunning slamming uncompromisingly into the assailant's temple.

"Nobody stabs my princess," the cop growled furiously.

That persistent thought practically screamed at the eldest princess as she lay there enjoying her Othersider's use of a possessive pronoun and the silence of aftermath filled the room. It was not until Deeg giggled that the niggling thought finally made its way into Azkadellia's consciousness with all the force of a freight train.

"'M-maybe you should put some shorts on or something, if you want to keep fighting evil today,'" DG said from her vantage point by the pillar.

_Maybe DG should shut up now_, Az thought, _besides_, she continued just a touch hysterically, _he is wearing something, he's got his strange belt thing on._ Hitching herself up on her elbows, Azkadellia watched with interest as Gulch's blush started in his face, spread down his neck and kept on going down to his...um, feet. Yes, his feet. They were nice feet, quite nicely shaped and all – though not quite so pretty that they could keep her gaze from wandering back up again. The Kevlar vest, the princess decided, had to go. The cop would just have to avoid being shot. His muscles, she noted happily, were defined enough to be extremely pleasing to look at, but he still retained enough softness to remain infinitely huggable. It was utterly unfair, fraud even, to cover all that up with a bulky vest. All hail manual labour and religious observances! Tilting her head for a new angle, Azkadellia wished someone could get him to turn around so she could get a rear view.

Grumpy coughed and handed his jacket to the commander. _It is so nice to have such obedient bodyguards_, Az contemplated fuzzily as the action caused her Othersider to turn away,_ I really must try to remember his name._ Her eyes widened as, in the mere seconds she had to look, she caught sight of an odd, jagged scar that started midway up Gulch's left buttock and continued almost all the way to the small of his back, as if he'd had an unhappy meeting with the business of something, such as the horns of a bull. _Little gash his ass_, the eldest princess thought, remembering an old, previously infuriating conversation. The cop actually had a number of interesting scars, she was going to have to ask Deeg about that later, Az had a shrewd idea the youngest princess would know how he came by most of them.

"Get Raw!" DG shouted suddenly.

Glancing around in alarm, Azkadellia felt her little bubble of giddy happiness pop abruptly against the sharp prick of reality. The Tin Man was slumped down against the pillar. Cain would _never_ allow himself to fall in the presence of a threat to his princess unless he was even more grievously wounded than she knew. _Oh no, no, no_, she whimpered internally, revisiting her earlier fears. Turning instinctively back to Gulch for reassurances she wasn't sure could be found she was surprised to find him looking distinctly disgruntled. Refocusing her gaze to observe the couple by the pillar, she noted that DG was desperately trying to get her hands at the buttons of Cain's shirt while the Tin Man was equally frantic in trying to get his hands, well, everywhere. Well if the Cain had the energy to feel up Deeg he must not be too hurt after all, Az decided she was free to return to enjoying the near death experience rush.

"Well," Gulch said, reaching down to help Azkadellia to her feet, "I should get you back to your chambers."

It was just the opportunity she'd been waiting for; the clicking sound was music to her ears as the handcuffs securely attached their wrists together. "Must make sure I don't get separated from my bodyguard again," the eldest princess murmured mischievously, "there are dangerous men about." The bewildered, hunted expression was as cute as always, the urge to jump him she ascribed to that affirmation of life phenomenon that DG had told her came with these sorts of situations. Must be terribly frustrating to be DG.

"You know, I am going to have to help sort this out," her Othersider informed her after a moment.

"But there might be assassins waiting in my room," she protested lightly.

"I'll make sure you are alone," he replied.

"Pity," Az murmured, and truly it was.

Gulch went red once more; she really liked him in that colour. The eldest princess did briefly contemplate the notion that she _might_ just be a _little_ bit in shock but she was starting to reconsider her poor opinion of assassination attempts. In fact, she mused giddily as a hand enclosed hers in a comforting clasp, she was beginning to wonder whether they shouldn't become regularly scheduled events.


	33. Lullaby

_Disclaimer: They told me once in psychology class that everyone's world is a matter of perception and, as a result, no one could actually prove that anyone else existed – you all could be a figment of my imagination. That being so, can I perceive that I own Tin Man? And are you able to perceive my little nod to Firefly?_

_Author's Note: I hereby dedicate this somewhat serious chapter to Queen Isabella, who made a good point. And though I had my reasons for how I did things in the last chapter I thought there was enough merit in what she said to stop and do it justice before skipping along to my next amusing idea. That being so, nightdrive23 you can thank her for a great deal more Dawkins than you were ever going to get otherwise. I hope you enjoy, because the man just wouldn't shut up. I knew I should have followed Quality Control's advice and killed him off (shame that would have screwed with my story line – I'm pretty sure Gulch would have mentioned if one of his underlings got whacked)._

_PS To those of my reviewers that have the message function blocked: you are terribly un-fun, did you know that? I just wanted to say hello, maybe answer the odd question – I mean, why ask if you leave me no way to answer?_

* * *

...

Azkadellia had trouble falling asleep that night. Left alone in her bedroom, coming down from the adrenaline rush and the giddy feeling of relief that had overtaken her when her knight had forgotten his shiny armour and ridden in bareback to the rescue, the eldest princess felt the true weight of events settle itself upon her once more. As much as she'd like to focus on the vision of a gloriously naked Gulch her mind insisted on dredging up the images of violence and death that had gone on around him, as faithful bodyguards had fought to protect the Royal Family from the loyal citizens of the Realm that had come to kill her. Scratch trouble falling asleep, the princess thought as the brief, bloody struggle replayed against the back of her eyelids, she _couldn't_ sleep.

Crawling slowly from bed, Az tried not to flinch as an errant cloud passing over the moons caused shadows to move and flit about her room. Officer Gulch had triple checked when she'd finally let him loose, Cain had been through here twice, _there was no one else in here_. She could tell herself that all night but it didn't stop her from racing to the door.

Happy must have heard her coming, when she entered the hall he was already holding out her thermos of warm milk. Taking it automatically, the eldest princess momentarily contemplated invading her Othersider's quarters again. She'd be safe there, more importantly, she'd _feel_ safe there. It wasn't what she needed to do, though. Gripping the thermos tightly in both hands, Azkadellia made her quiet but determined way down the hallway to where she needed to be.

The infirmary was dark, quiet, and not near as crowded as she'd thought it'd be. Dawkins was reclined comfortably on a cot near the door, his lips twitched as his eyes watched the progress of the second hand on the old pocket watch he held. As the eldest princess settled down in a chair beside him, he glanced up briefly before holding up a finger to indicate he wanted a moment then turned back to his vigil. His eyes had that glassy look Az had learned to associate with poppy draughts, though it seemed that rather than getting sleepy the way Gulch had, the wounded guard seemed a bit hyped up.

"Wait for it," he said after a few more seconds had past, "Now."

As if on cue, the doors of the infirmary burst open and the Tin Man stalked noiselessly into the room. He was followed, not so silently, by a rather irate DG.

"Cain," she hissed in a whisper clearly meant to avoid disturbing the rest of the wounded, "this is ridiculous, if there'd been so much as an ill-intentioned flea in the attic you would have found it by now, go to _bed_. You are going to reopen your wounds. I mean it, Cain!" she continued stringently as the Tin Man carried on unheedingly, inspecting the infirmary occupants both for current condition and for potential threats, "In fact, I order it! Royal Decree: all Tin Men who have recently been shot three times and only received a partial healing must go immediately to bed. Do not pass go, do not collect two hundred dollars, go directly to bed. Cain!" Deeg growled as the Tin Man kept on going right out the far door of the room, the youngest princess all but dancing in fury following right on his heels.

"That," Dawkins confided in the eldest princess, "is their fifth time through here. The Tin Man manages an entire palace sweep every thirty-four minutes and fifty-six seconds. So far Princess DG has asked, begged, cajoled, demanded, and now ordered the man to bed; I think she should try tears next, that might work. Best seat in the house," the guard muttered patting his cot happily.

As she stared at wounded and drugged member of her protection detail, Azkadellia came to the conclusion that she was going to have to speak to Raw regarding his use of poppy infusions.

"Twenty minutes," said Dawkins, who'd been staring right back in apparent earnest contemplation. "You heard me," he said, pointing at Happy where he stood behind his charge, "I'm calling it, twenty minutes." Glancing back at his watch he nodded as if in confirmation, "Yup, twenty minutes."

Happy and his charge glanced at each other in confusion, unsure whether to ask the wounded man what he meant by that. "Dawkins," the eldest princess asked tentatively after a few more minutes had passed, "how are you doing?"

The guard froze. "I'll heal," he muttered to the watch, "we got lucky: lucky that it wasn't an organized attack, just a frenzied mob; lucky that, all things considered, we had a relatively defensible position; and more than lucky," his mouth twisted in bitter humour, "that we have an Othersider on hand crazy enough to go running bare-assed naked into a gunfight. We were _lucky_," he finished, and when he glanced up at Azkadellia all the humour had faded from his eyes.

"I'm sorry," Az said. It was such a paltry, insufficient thing in face of that haunted expression but it was all she had.

"Not your fault," Dawkins mumbled, turning away, "They made their choices, I made mine; you can't make yourself responsible for them."

"I know," the eldest princess replied wistfully, "I just...I wish..."

"Yeah," the guard said as he gazed at the ceiling, "yeah. Not much else I could have done, though, wasn't about to foreswear my duty and leave you to the firing squad. Doubt I would have lived long if I had, either, I reckon. Had an old sergeant in the resistance when I joined up, used to tell me that if a man tried to kill me it was as much his responsibility as mine if I should happen to kill him right back. Helped me cope in the past."

"What happened to your sergeant?" Az asked, for lack of anything else to say.

"Commander Gulch shot him three times and clocked him over the head with a gun," was the bald reply.

Azkadellia had the sudden vision of a knife wielding madman and found she could say nothing at all.

"I'm not holding that against him, he did what he had to. And, honestly, at that particular moment I hadn't seen a more beautiful sight in my life than Old Gulchy letting 'em have it. The Viewers were describing my resting place when he burst into the room and dealt with the guy who gave me this," he waved to his side, "Wouldn't have minded much if Gulch had stopped along the way for a pair of pants, though he might have been too late if he had. Besides," Dawkins continued with a sly glance at the princess, "I doubt he thinks as much about his attire as some people do."

Az decided the floor was absolutely fascinating; she was not blushing, it was just warm in the infirmary.

"Like I said," he continued, shaking off his melancholy, "we were lucky. The fanatics didn't go for lethal force until they hit the Council Chambers, and even then we managed not to lose anyone, at least not so far. We've got a handful of wounded that are still touch and go, but if Raw has anything to say about the matter they'll pull through. For everyone else it's just a matter of time before they're back on their feet," the guard snorted in sudden amusement, "and if you ask those nutters from Princess DG's protection detail, this is the best thing to have ever happened to them. They actually got to do something," he explained to the eldest princess' bemused look.

Dawkins, Az noted, did not saying anything about the attackers' casualties, nor did she remind him. The Tin Man had a rather final policy when dealing with threats to his princess, and it seemed that the policeman's operating procedure wasn't that far removed, at least under extreme circumstances.

"I happen to have been wounded just the right amount," Doc continued, causing the eldest princes to raise an incredulous eyebrow, "not so bad that I have any worries, yet grievous enough that I shall still be on injured leave when the drought hits the Papay fields tomorrow."

"Pardon?" inquired the startled Az.

"This should never have happened, Highness. If the Royal Guard and the Royal Army hadn't let their personal differences get in the way of their duties it never would have. We failed and, but for good fortune and insane Othersiders, we nearly got the Royal Family killed. Tonight we rest, recuperate and reorganize, tomorrow we get reamed. I feel sorry for the poor saps in the Crown Princess's guard; the Tin Man is going to eat them alive. Old Gulchy is such a nice, even-tempered fellow, don't you think? Speaking of," the wounded guard exclaimed unexpectedly, turning to the door, "ah, right on schedule."

Following his gaze, Azkadellia was surprised to see Officer Gulch striding hastily into the infirmary. His eyes swept the room, and only when they landed on the eldest princess did he slow with an evident measure of relief. Then he locked onto Happy, his features taking a grim caste as he jerked his head indicating that Happy should join him by the door.

"Suddenly not so sure about tomorrow," Dawkins said faintly, watching the two, "Shouldn't have let you wander on the night of an attack, least not without notifying anyone. Commanders don't sleep when the witch has been in the works."

They couldn't hear what was being said but the hapless guard was looking decidedly white in the face. Az felt a bit guilty about that, she was the one who decided to visit the infirmary in the middle of the night. Before she could decide to intervene, though, another interruption occurred.

"Cain!" the exasperated voice of the youngest princess rang out from the hallway, "this is _beyond_ ridiculous. So help me, if you don't go to bed _right now_ I'm going to bean you over the head and drag you there myself. _Are you listening to me? _I mean it!"

"Threats," Dawkins mused, shaking his head, "she should have gone with tears."

The Tin Man was stalking into the infirmary once more, apparently unconvinced that he hadn't missed anything the last five times he'd checked. Deeg was still right on his trail in her futile attempt to persuade him to rest. The Othersider watched their progress for a moment with a quizzical look on his face before breaking off his discussion with Happy and calling out, "DG, go to bed."

"_What?_" she hissed, whirling around to face him.

Meeting her glare with a bland expression, the cop repeated, "Go to bed. Stop being Mohammed, be the mountain and go to bed. Trust me on this."

Azkadellia wondered, as she often did, if Othersiders had their own special language. The policeman's words were utter nonsense to the eldest princess but after a second the youngest princess' eyes widened in sudden speculation. Shooting one last glance at the Tin Man still stubbornly combing the palace for threats, DG slipped out the door. Across the room Cain faltered, slowed, and came reluctantly to a stop. Az could almost see the war going on in his head, but as the door closed behind her sister the Tin Man pivoted abruptly on his heel and stalked back out the way he'd come.

"One down," the cop muttered from rather closer than Azkadellia had expected, causing her to jump in surprise. "I think it would be best if we got you back to your room, Princess," Gulch stated, "Dawkins should be getting his rest, that is," the cop continued with a measuring glance at the guard, "if he can. Want me to get Raw to dope you?" he asked.

Dawkins returned his commander's scrutiny. "I'll manage," he replied, making a big show of yawning, "now that someone's sent the entertainment to bed there's not much else to do."

Az looked back and forth between them as the guards nodded at each other. There was more communication going on here than she understood, she just knew it.

Gulch grunted and turned to the eldest princess, "Shall we?"

Azkadellia slipped her hand in his and followed obediently into the hall as Happy fell in behind.

"Nightmares?" her Othersider inquired, glancing down at the still full container of milk.

Az shook her head. "Can't sleep," she murmured, "I keep seeing...and the shadows move and..."

"Ah," the cop uttered and abruptly altered direction.

"Where are we...oh," the eldest princess said as they turned down the hallway to Deeg's apartments.

"Oh for pity's sake," Gulch uttered, "Of all the pig-headed, over protective old fools!"

Cain was pacing the hall outside of DG's room. The whole mountain, Mohammed thing may have gotten the Tin Man to stop striding about the palace but it couldn't force him to go to bed. The policeman took a deliberate step in front of the princess before announcing their presence. Cain's revolver was out of the holster and pointed at the cop before he'd even finished speaking. Peering around Gulch's shoulder, Azkadellia was alarmed to see that the Tin Man looked about ready to drop but 'pig-headed, over protective old fool' that he was he still insisted on standing his protective vigil.

"Cain," the policeman said slowly as if he were speaking to a spooked animal, "you mind letting us through? Princess Azkadellia's having trouble sleeping and I thought it might be best if she bunked with DG tonight."

The Tin Man's eyes seemed to be having trouble focusing. "Gulch?" he asked after a moment.

"Yeah."

The gun dropped. "Alright, I've got it," he nodded.

"No," returned Gulch, "_I've_ got it. Go to bed Tin Man."

Cain's chin came up, his blurred glare focusing on the Othersider who stared right back. _This_, Azkadellia thought, _is never going to work_. The Tin Man trusted no one but himself to keep his princess safe...then, to her utter astonishment, Cain gave Gulch the slightest of nods. The eldest princess suddenly remembered thinking, as she'd stared in alarm at a Tin Man slumped against a pillar, that it was unlike Cain to fall when DG was in danger...unless he hadn't felt she was in danger because there was someone there he trusted to take care of the situation. _Storms._

The Tin Man turned and slowly made his way into his room. The second the door closed behind him, DG's flew open as she launched herself at the cop.

"Gah," he opined with an anxious glance at Cain's door.

"_Thank you_," DG whispered gratefully, "I was about ready to cry out of sheer frustration."

"That's nice," the policeman said, prying the youngest princess off of him, "thank me by helping your sister get some sleep."

Deeg giggled a little hysterically. "You going to be ok? You've been up all day, too."

"I didn't get shot today, I'll manage. It's not my first double shift ever."

"True," DG replied, "Come on Az, we've got a date with the Sandman and I've been dying to see him."

"With who?" demanded the startled Azkadellia, handing her thermos of milk to Officer Gulch, who promptly handed it to Happy, who sighed and started to drink.

"Never mind," Deeg said, pulling her sister into the room. Halfway through crawling into bed the youngest princess froze in surprise and looked back towards the door. "I didn't know he could sing," she murmured, glancing over at Az who was smiling as the slightly muffled song floated in through the doorway, "Now that is just _too_ cute. I feel about five years old," she stated a few minutes later as they curled up under the covers, their joined hands emitting a soft glow.

Azkadellia merely smiled sleepily. Choices and consequences tangled in her head with scenes of hope and despair and then they were gently laid to rest. The dancing shadows did not menace, the visions did not haunt, and the weary princess fell asleep, soothed by a lullaby.


	34. Commission

_Disclaimer: I own not Tin Man, take no responsibility for the song, but the guard is mine._

_Author's Note: Quality Control calls this a light piece of fluff, I say thbbt. Oh well, we were serious last chapter. This chapter I do dedicate to KLCtheBookWorm who's long ago review for 'Otherside Encounter' stuck in my head until it became, well, this._

* * *

...

Azkadellia was often amazed at how the littlest of things could brighten one's outlook on life. A good night's sleep (lullabies optional but definitely recommended) for instance could do wonders for the mental state of a person who'd recently survived an assassination attempt. The news that every wounded guard had not only made it through the night but was also deemed to be out of danger was not little by any means but definitely uplifting. The eldest princess even managed to view the recovery of those assailants that had managed to survive their attack with tentative pleasure. What really made her day, however, was the sight that greeted her upon entering the Great Hall on her way to breakfast that morning.

"I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts," hoppitty hop hop, "there they are all standing in a row."

If watching Bashful singing bizarre songs while hopping backwards around the palace on one foot weren't enough to make Az smile, the memory that came hard upon its heels certainly was. Dawkins had said that the drought was going to hit the Papay fields today but she was fairly certain that this wasn't what he meant. No, this was something else.

"Big ones, small ones, some as big as your head," hoppitty hop hop, "Give them a twist...Good morning, Your Highness," Bashful saluted abruptly as his hopping brought the eldest princess into view. Azkadellia noticed the guard managed this feat with a great deal of grace, not breaking his rhythm at all. It was a good thing the Royal Advisor was not nearby else he might feel a touch competitive.

"...a flick of the wrist...did you want something, Your Highness?" her guard asked as the princess made to follow him.

"Yes," Az replied, smiling mischievously, "I have a commission for you."

"That's what the...a c-commission?" Bashful stuttered, suddenly leery.

"Yes."

"O-of w-what?" he inquired faintly.

The princess' smile widened. "The commemorative portrait you offered to paint, of course."

The guard's eyes widened in unhappy comprehension, "T-the o-one of Ol-old G-gulchy n-n-n..." blushing furiously he broke off, "b-but..."

"You said you could do it didn't you?" Azkadellia asked pointedly.

"Y-yes I d-did, b-but..." the distressed guard protested.

"I'd be more than willing to cover the costs of supplies," Az offered reasonably, "plus pay you for your time."

"T-that's n-not..." the beleaguered Bashful attempted once more.

"So you'll do it then?" the eldest princess asked hopefully, her hands clasped and eyes wide in earnest entreaty.

"Um," Bashful faltered mid-hop.

"_Thank you_," Azkadellia uttered gratefully, taking that as a yes, "Let me know when you're done." Mission accomplished, she spun on her heel and resumed her course towards the breakfast table as Sneezy, her active duty guard, paused to give his colleague a commiserative pat on the shoulder.

The unfortunate Bashful glanced from the long, long hallway he had yet to traverse – to be followed by another long hallway, a set of stairs and a winding corridor – to the princess and back again. He was between a cliff and a Papay's dinner plate, as well he knew, sighing, the hapless guard switched feet.

"I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts," hoppitty hop hop...


	35. Terrifying

_Disclaimer: I own a few characters, more than a few personalities, and a certain insane muse, Tin Man, alas, belongs to someone else._

_Author's Note: I apologize in advance for Dawkins. He is usually well behaved but he felt strongly in this matter, as a result he said a bad word. Everyone cover the sensitive ears – or would it be sensitive eyes? Oh whatever._

_PS Why must all the fencing supplies dad sends me for (yes, I'm fencing again, it's an eternal task) be full of red ants? Not fun. For those of you that don't know, there is a very important distinction between red and black ants in my neck of the woods: red ants bite._

* * *

...

Azkadellia was enjoying the sweet sound of vindication. She could listen to it all day – and had been, for the most part – it was quite enjoyable, not to mention long overdue. The eldest princess was thrilled that the sound amplification spell her and DG'd devised had turned out to be so effective in order that she could listen to her heart's content.

"I'll give that ya gotta admire a man who's willing to go charging into a gunfight in the altogether," Grumpy grunted to his counterpart, "I just, ergh, wanna know where the heck that came from."

"Ungh," Sneezy gasped in agreement.

"I mean, argh, I always liked the fella," the Gillikin huffed.

"Nice, friendly, gennnnerally easy to, huff, work with," panted Sneezy.

"Who'da, gasp, thought he had it in 'im. Ya shoulda seen his, urg, face."

"Did it, hurmph, happen to look anything like the, ah, expression he had on yesterrrrrrday afternoon?"

"Somewhat like, I'll gra...grant," confirmed Grumpy wheezily.

"Or, hurk, maybe it resembled, puff, the d-demon that hurled us out, hnn, of bed at five bells thisssss morning," suggested Sneezy breathlessly.

"Less, umph, rage, more focus," rasped the Gillikin.

"He, nrrrgh, _focused_ that?" hissed the other guard.

"Like, hah, a freakin' tictoc man."

"Moritanium _balls_..."

"Look," a squeaky voice interrupted, "I know you are all fascinated with your commander's new come out as a storm-ridden man of moritanium, but could you _please_ pay less attention to the talking and have more care for what you're doing?"

Both guards paused. "Ya gotta problem, soldier?" Grumpy growled.

"At the moment, yes!" the Royal Army man howled.

"This," the Gillikin asserted, "is 'sposed ta be a lesson in trust."

"And I trust you, I trust you," the soldier yelled, "just _please_ get this over with!"

"Easy for you t-t-t-TWATCHOO...to say," Sneezy opined, slipping a little.

The shrieking response of the army man was too shrill for the eldest princess to understand. To be fair, the soldier did have a point. It couldn't be all that comfortable being suspended between the two guards as they scaled the palace walls. The breathless, grunting and groaning conversation probably wasn't helping his nerves any.

"Are they entirely sure that's safe?" DG asked dubiously, shading her eyes as she squinted up at the distant trio.

"Sure," Dawkins assured her from where he lay comfortably recuperating, "Jeb, Gulch and the Tin Man ran the whole course late last night to make sure it was doable."

"_What?"_ both princesses cried in shock.

"Jeb and Gulch had to do the climb, seemed the Tin Man was worried they'd be tempted to drop one another otherwise," the guard replied with evident enjoyment.

"He's. Still. Wounded," the youngest princess gritted out.

Azkadellia rolled her eyes. As if that was supposed to stop him, Cain may have ran himself nearly into the ground the night of the attack but that didn't keep him from being up early the next morning reducing half the Royal Army to tears with his wrath. The Royal Guard got a few hours reprieve as Officer Gulch only got to go to bed once the Tin Man rose, and thus hadn't been available to reprimand the guard until that afternoon. Any illusions they harboured about the 'even-tempered' commander giving them a comparatively easy time of it, however, were shattered at the outset. And then this morning...

"Did I just see Ahamo's protection detail cleaning the stables? With soap and water?" inquired the man in question as he joined them.

"Gulch said they needed it," Az replied urbanely as Deeg immediately set to fussing and insisting that the Tin Man sit down and rest.

Humouring her, Cain glanced over to where the grooms and stable boys were stretched out in the sun enjoying the show. "Indeed," he drawled. Smirking slightly, he continued, "They do realize that Officer Gulch has no authority over them don't they?"

Raising an eyebrow as a troupe of soldiers ran by toting more guards on their backs, the eldest princess remarked drily, "Doesn't seemed to have ever stopped you."

There was a decided twinkle in the Tin Man's eye as he peered up from beneath his fedora. "Apparently it's all about menace," he murmured contemplatively. Looking across the grounds to where the Othersider could be seen...encouraging the guards through their various obstacles, Cain mused, "The man's got strength, always knew that, though I will admit even I didn't see that he had _this_ in him."

"I _warned_ you," DG interjected suddenly, glancing up from the bandages she was checking, "I _told_ you. Gulch couldn't menace a toddler if he was trying to, but get him angry..."

"...and he's fucking terrifying," Dawkins finished for her.


	36. Obstacles

_Disclaimer: I do not own I do not own I do not own I do not OW! What? I don't own Tin Man._

_Author's Note: Currently in shock. I've been asked to _slow down_ with my updating and by nightdrive23 no less. I think my demon reviewer may be ill. If anyone out there knows the little thorn in my side in the physical world please do a forehead check. That or the world's ending, one or the other. Scary. Of course, if anyone else out there agrees, please do let me know, I can slow down. There's that pile of books by my bed that would kind of like attention, not to mention sleep, I can always get more of that. On the other hand, the next chapter is already tickling my brain...what to do, what to do. Eheheheh._

* * *

...

Azkadellia eyed the nails contemplatively. Such a meagre obstacle, the merest flick of the wrist and she could send them all flying across the room. Or she could shrink them. Really, if daddy had intended to keep that door shut he probably should have used something more substantial, like bricks. Of course, a good blast could get through that. Choices, choices.

"Don't even think about it, Az," DG interjected, interrupting her elder sister's thoughts, "It's a bad idea."

Since when had Deeg become the voice of reason? The eldest princess left off her study of the door for a moment so that she could confirm that it truly was her younger sister talking to her.

"Seriously, Az," the youngest princess continued, her lip twitching slightly as if she could read her sister's thoughts, "it can't be done. You show up in Officer Gulch's bedroom in the middle of the night and the man's liable to have a heart attack, and not the good kind."

_Well it's not like it'd be the first time_, Azkadellia countered internally, _and he didn't object last time._ Of course, he'd been heavily drugged, barely conscious, and had given no indication since that he had any recollection of this event. Sneezy hadn't said anything about it, either, she realized suddenly, which was decidedly odd and went against all rules of gossip that she knew. Az tucked that idea away for later thought.

"Listen, Az, Gulch may have been raised without any instinctive respect or reverence for royalty but he is well aware that if a man gets caught in a compromising position with a princess it never ends well for the man. History is fairly clear on that. You go through that door and he'll have a stroke trying to figure out what to do about you."

The eldest princess sighed. It seemed terribly unfair that she couldn't avail herself of this opportunity after all the trouble she went through to get daddy to agree to this. Ahamo had been dead set against moving the policeman into the room adjoining Azkadellia's, but now that the assassination attempt had officially lifted the probation only the Consort, and maybe Ambrose, remembered the Othersider was still on he'd run across a big snag. The precedent had been set after all. The Tin Man may not technically be DG's bodyguard but no one would argue that he was her chief protector, and his room adjoined DG's. Officer Gulch was, without question, Az's most able shield and thus, by her logic, should also be placed so strategically. That was how she phrased her request anyhow, and since Ahamo made the fatherly error of suggesting that maybe the solution would be to move Cain to the guardhouse the matter was settled far sooner than had seemed possible. The Tin Man hadn't taken kindly to the idea and the Consort had folded under the weight of the two most unnerving glares in the O.Z.

The cop in question took the whole situation with his habitual easy-going acceptance. Given the recent attack he could quite understand why the Royal Family would like to beef up security around the eldest princess. He was somewhat befuddled, however, as to why they were going through the trouble of moving him next door to the princess if they were going block off the easy access to her chambers, but since Ahamo darn near had an apoplexy when he mentioned this, Gulch let the matter drop. With a last survey of the door, the cop had opined that he could probably get through it if he had to, thereby causing the Consort to choke and add more nails, and carried on with life. Azkadellia, meanwhile, had been left stewing in frustration that Gulch had once again failed to make certain necessary mental connections. Deeg merely shrugged and pointed out that Captain Oblivious was unlikely to get any hint more subtle than writing on the wall in neon lights, whatever those were.

Az regarded the door wistfully.

"Trust me, Azkadellia, I know how tempting it is," DG muttered, taking in her expression, "believe me, I know."'

The frustration and touch of bitterness in her sister's voice finally brought Az out of her abstraction. Turning, she looked at Deeg sympathetically, "Cain?" the eldest princess asked.

"Cain," DG stated with a huff, "The Great Wall of Cain. The man is _impossible_. I mean, I understand that he's had a lot to deal with, what with...well..."

"My Longcoats tearing apart his family, killing his wife, estranging his son and locking him up in a tin box for well nigh ten years?" Az finished for her.

Deeg smiled weakly, "Not your Longcoats, Az."

"Oh I know that," the eldest princess assured her, shrugging, "habit."

Sighing, DG slumped down onto her sister's bed. "I've tried to give him time, hoping that maybe...and I know that some people think that next to him I'm practically a kid...Oh God, tell me he doesn't think of me as a kid, not a _kid_ kid. I mean, he still calls me Kid or Kiddo upon occasion, though not often..._please_ tell me he isn't being _fatherly_..."

Azkadellia snorted, it was a decidedly un-princess-like thing to do. "Trust _me_ on this, Deeg, the last thing the Tin Man feels for you is fatherly."

"You sure?" the youngest princess pleaded, uncharacteristically hesitant.

"Yes."

"How do you know?"

"Because I've been watching both of you for almost two years now, anyone with eyes can see that you are his world. That and Dawkins likes to make father comments whenever the opportunity presents just to see how fast Cain'll walk into a wall."

DG choked.

"Dawkins," her sister informed her, "finds us terribly amusing, and is probably going to get himself shot one day." As the youngest princess dissolved into giggles, Az gave her a small hug, "Honestly, DG, you know as well as I do that the Tin Man loves you."

"Yeah, I know," Deeg sighed, "It's just..."

"The Great Wall of Cain," Azkadellia finished, nodding.

"I just don't know what to do, I have the feeling that if I keep waiting on him I'll end up waiting forever. I mean, we all almost died and it changed absolutely nothing."

"It made him twitchier," offered the eldest princess.

"Aaaaz," DG protested.

"Maybe you _should_ go through the door," Azkadellia suggested, turning to observe her own.

Shaking her head, the youngest princess sighed again, "Bad idea, if there is one bi-universal rule of dating it's that you can't rush a man, especially on the subject of matrimony. Not that I'm thinking that far ahead," DG added hastily.

Az rolled her eyes, _sure_ she wasn't.

"I just wish we could stop dancing around each other like this," Deeg muttered, "that I could just _know_ one way or another."

Both princesses were silent a moment. The eldest wished she knew the answer but this was not exactly a problem her upbringing as an evil sorceress had equipped her to handle. Officer Gulch was a completely different challenge than DG was facing: Gulch was oblivious, Cain was just plain stubborn.

"I should go," Deeg said at last, "it's late and Cain won't go to bed until he knows I'm safely in mine. And Az," she paused in the doorway with a slight smirk, "stay out of Gulch's room."

Hurling a pillow at the door as her sister shut it hastily, Azkadellia shook off her dispirited thoughts. DG would find a way, she always could reach people, and as for herself, Az mused as she glanced back at the nailed shut door, maybe she'd get lucky and have a nightmare. Then she'd have an excuse.


	37. Weird Night

_Disclaimer: I own only the amusing guard and a certain drunken lord..._

_Author's Note: Sorry about the slight delay but I got into an argument with Dawkins. This was supposed to be a long chapter and the blasted fellow kept throwing out ending lines. I overrode him the first time, but the second I allowed, what is it to me to add chapters? It happens all the time. Can I kill him off now? (everybody screams no...sigh)_

* * *

...

Azkadellia, born and raised in the O.Z., had a high tolerance for what Othersiders would consider weirdness. Seeing as she'd been possessed at a young age and grown up as that voice in the back of an evil Sorceress' head, her crazy threshold was higher than most. Still, every now and again the Outer Zone managed to throw a bizarre enough storm to leave even her feeling a little bit headcased. All she'd wanted to do was check on DG, who'd said she wasn't feeling well and gone to bed early, and, if possible, find something to cheer Dawkins up. Ever since the assassination attempt the bodyguard had been understandably prone to fits of melancholy if one let him brood too long. Fortunately the night had decided to provide an excellent distraction.

"'Scuse me," slurred the drunken young man that had fallen through a door onto the eldest princess, "'ave you sheen da Lurker?"

"Who?" Dawkins asked sharply as he hauled the inebriated fellow off his charge. This, right here, was one of the main reasons why she didn't like alcohol: it made people ridiculous.

"Da Lurker, yoo kno' da Lurker, need ta find'im," was the less than coherent response.

"No, I'm afraid I don't know the Lurker," the guard stated as he helped Azkadellia to her feet, "who is he?"

"Yoo do too kno' da Lurker," the man replied belligerently, "Ev'eybody kno' da Lurker. Big, growlee fella, Arm'd an' Lurkin', gonna getcha, always gonna getcha. No' a'ways der bu' a'ways on da way. Got da glarey eyes."

"You know," Dawkins mused, his lip twitching slightly, "that sounds like the Tin Man."

Az giggled as the drunk attempted to stamp his foot and almost keeled over, forcing the guard reached out and steady him. "Off course i' shounds li' da Tinnyman," he declared indignantly, "I _tol'_ oo I wash lookin' for'im."

"I'm terribly sorry, sir," Dawkins began with mock solemnity.

"Ima notta shir, Ima lord!" the young lord interrupted emphatically, "Whattar you?"

"My Lord, I am but a humble guard," Dawkins eyes danced as he answered, "of Princess Azkadellia's..."

"Ashadeeya!" the drunken lord shrieked, diving behind said princess, "Wher'?"

"Um, right here," Az replied, unsure whether to be amused or annoyed.

Peering blearily at her for a moment, the sloshed lord objected, "No ya ishn't."

The eldest princess blinked. As the most notorious person in the O.Z. she'd never _not_ been recognized. "Yes, I am," she assured him.

"No, y'ain't," his lordship replied, sticking to his guns, "I's avoid da eldisht pwincessh a'ways – try ta avoid da youngest, too, bu' dat no seem ta work – anys hoo, iffa ima here, ish 'cause Ashadeeya not, 'cause ima ne'er wher'da eldisht pwincesh ish. Logick irrefushable."

Dazzled by this, er, reasoning, Azkadellia found herself completely incapable of annoyance. Dawkins, meanwhile, was leaning against the wall choking on his laughter.

"Beshides," his drunkenness continued stubbornly, "Ashadeeya ish scawee, y'ain't scawee, you ish...you ish," he tilted his head to the side in consideration, "you jusht ish!" he announced triumphantly.

Okay, maybe she could be a little annoyed. "Perhaps," Az suggested, "you should hide yourself lest the scary princess come and find you. I hear she sucks out souls."

"I canna do dat," he stated, as he finally stopped crouching behind her, "Ima in da middle offa plan."

"R-really?" interjected the gleeful Dawkins, "Pray tell us."

"Can't."

"Why not?" he demanded.

"'Cause itsa dashtardly plan, canna haffa dashtardly plan iffa tell eve'ybody wha'tis."

"Oh," said the disappointed guard, then his eyes gleamed, "but for your plan to work you need to find Cain?"

"Yesh, neshasherry," the young lord confirmed.

"Follow this hallway until you get to the end, turn right, Cain's will be the first door you come to," Dawkins replied immediately.

"Musch oblig'd," the drunken lord said politely with an unsteady bow before stumbling forward on his quest once more. The princess and her guard watched his progress with bemused amusement until he turned the corner and disappeared from view.

"Can we keep him?" Dawkins asked.

Azkadellia stared at her bodyguard incredulously. "You want to keep him?" she inquired blankly, glancing in the direction the inebriated lord had staggered then back again.

"Who wants to keep who?" a voice interjected as the guard nodded enthusiastically. Turning in surprise, Az caught sight of Officer Gulch making his way down the hallway towards them.

"Lord Drunk Harmless and Hilarious," Dawkins replied cheerfully, "terribly entertaining, can we keep him?"

"Drunks are only entertaining when you aren't the one responsible for getting them home safely," the cop pointed out as he nodded greeting to the eldest princess.

"Fine," his subordinate responded promptly, "you can keep him, I'll just visit."

Gulch snorted, "Because that's just what I needed, another one of those," casting a wary glance down the hall he asked, "We're right by the Royal Apartments, you sure he's harmless?"

"Well he _did_ say he was in the midst of a dastardly plan but no worries, I sent him to the Tin Man," smiling innocently at the expression on his commander's face he shrugged, "He insisted on seeing him."

"Cain should be able to handle him," Az mused contemplatively.

"Yes, but don't the nobility get upset when someone shoots one of them?" the policeman wondered.

"Just a little," commented the irrepressible Dawkins, "but the lord was so set on seeing him, I was just trying to be helpful."

"Riiiight," Gulch said dryly, "and you are only edging in that direction because Princess Azkadellia wanted to check on DG."

"Actually, I did," Az began, but she cut off when an enraged bellow echoed down the hall, "Was that Cain?" She saw Dawkins beginning to turn then her Othersider's hand flashed out, grabbed her wrist and hauled her forward into him. There was a sudden loud crashing as Dawkins was sent sprawling into a nearby suit of armour, her hair stirred in the wind of the Tin Man's passing. Azkadellia realized all this after the fact, at that particular moment, however, she was rather distracted by her interesting position of being plastered against Gulch's chest. The currently off-duty guard commander wasn't wearing his Kevlar vest.

"Urgh," Dawkins groaned, picking himself up, "What's that about?"

"DG," the cop said simply. His voice rumbled a bit when you got in this close, the eldest princess discovered.

"She went to bed," Az objected.

Gulch grunted sceptically. From below came the splintering sound of door being opened with extreme force. Dawkins hastened to the window and, to Azkadellia's disappointment, Gulch steadied her on her feet and followed.

"In that corner we have the Royal Army," he was muttering as she decided to join them. Cain was sprinting across the courtyard towards the main gate which happened to be filled by a returning army column, ordered back to Central City for reassignment. They marched with military discipline, in neat, orderly lines...right up until the moment the Tin Man hit them like a wrecking ball. The damage was all on the army's side as Cain ploughed through, shedding soldiers and disappearing shortly thereafter into the night. "And in this corner we have Wyatt Moses-was-my-gentler-pacifist-cousin Cain," Gulch finished under his breath.

"What was that?" Dawkins asked.

"Nothing," the Othersider sighed, "I'd better make sure there were no casualties and see if I can find out what's up."

Azkadellia and her guard looked at the ceiling in puzzlement. "You know," Dawkins interjected, "someone ought to make sure the lord's okay. Lot of old resistance fellows in that unit," he commented idly, glancing down at the chaos below.

The cop paused. "Perhaps it would be best if you double-checked to make sure DG isn't in her room, Princess," he suggested, "Dawkins can deal with the lord while you're at it."

"You did that on purpose," the eldest princess accused her guard once the policeman had gone.

"As your on-duty guard I go where you go, Your Highness," he intoned solemnly.

"And you want to go this way."

"Would I dare to dictate the direction of my charge?" the bodyguard responded with feigned shock.

DG was not in her room, and the drunken lord was right where the Tin Man had presumably left him – standing at Cain's door, informing it that he hadn't finished speaking yet. He was eventually coaxed into being shepherded back to his own quarters. Dawkins was unable to glean anymore information regarding the dastardly plan – mostly because the tired drunk's slurring had become increasingly impossible to understand – so they left him in the charge of his servants and with very little effort, the eldest princess managed to persuade her guard that they should investigate the disturbance in the courtyard. Azkadellia had to report DG's absence after all.

Jeb and Gulch were standing opposite each other in the main palace doorway when they arrived. Their conversation was polite, professional, their body language anything but. The army lieutenant and guard commander may have publicly settled their differences for the sake of Army-Guard relations but it was evident from their respective airs of restrained hostility that neither had truly forgiven nor forgotten anything. Lieutenant Cain's eyes flicked to the eldest princess briefly as she approached before returning to his glaring match with Gulch. Her Othersider, meanwhile, never looked away from the dratted boy, but the second she was in reach the cop pulled her behind him.

"And you have no idea where he was going, or why?" Jeb inquired through politely gritted teeth.

"DG's not in her room," Az took the opportunity to announce.

"Which explains why," Gulch rumbled, "Where was probably supplied by a certain drunken lord that wished to speak to him," he glanced inquiringly at Dawkins.

"Incomprehensible," the guard supplied.

His commander nodded. "And to what do we owe the pleasure of your company?" the cop asked in a tone that really stretched the bounds of politeness to breaking.

"Have their billeting orders," the lieutenant replied, jerking his head in the direction of the reformed army column, "Now if you don't mind...now what?" Jeb cut off as another commotion disturbed the moonlit courtyard.

The army column was parting once more as soldiers scrambled back to make way. The Tin Man had returned, his anger palpable even at this distance, and he was carrying Deeg in his arms. With a little choke of alarm, Az stepped forward, worried that harm had come to her sister, but Gulch hauled her back again. A hush fell over the courtyard as Cain strode determinedly towards the palace, the soldiers scarce daring to breathe lest they draw his attention. The Tin Man paid them no mind but marched straight up the steps, passing between his son and the Othersider without any indication he realized they were there. DG, meanwhile, proved to be unharmed, merely exceedingly drunk as her slurred monologue vacillated erratically between angry rants and bouts of tears. Cain kept on walking right through the Great Hall and the door beyond.

There was a moment of continued silence then, "Holy sh-" lieutenant and commander began simultaneously.

"-it," Jeb concluded as Gulch finished with, "-ish kabobs."

The Othersider blinked a few times then said, "You do what you were here to do, I've got to inform whoever let DG out that they'd best get their affairs in order. Dawkins, I hope you got that lord out of the way...Dawkins?"

But Dawkins was already gone, he had to go where his curious charge went after all, and interesting times had gone that-a-way.


	38. Good Morning

_Disclaimer: I owneth not that which I should dearly like to own: Tin Man._

_Author's Note: So I would like to blame Dawkins for my extended absence, but in the end it truly was brain-brain's fault. A case of writus interruptus if you will. Dawkins threw me out of my stride by ending my chapter early and while my muse was trying to figure out how to make it work, brain-brain noticed an unread book in my room. And since that book was the first in a series, and the weather conspired to give me a day off so that I could get near a bookstore to pick up the rest...so yeah, brain-brain went on a feeding frenzy, and since I need brain-brain to turn my muses pictures into works I was stuck until it had devoured six of the books I had available before the seventh shut it down. Sorry about that (sort of, I do like to read). I'm not sure if I entirely like how this chapter worked out (though Quality Control passed it after she assured herself that I hadn't fallen off the face of the planet) but it is what it is. Cheers_

* * *

...

Azkadellia was considering being miffed with her Othersider, perhaps even annoyed. She was definitely unhappy, the policeman almost never stopped her from doing anything she wanted to – in fact, the only other time she could call to mind was when he'd prohibited her from eavesdropping on Jeb and Cain's confrontation. That, however, was almost certainly due to his protective instincts, there was nothing dangerous here.

"Leave them be," Officer Gulch said as he led her gently but inexorably away from the door.

Az glared at him mutinously; if the Tin Man hadn't wanted anyone to listen he shouldn't have left the door cracked open. Not that she'd heard much, DG was apparently still out of it and Cain was only muttering about dire consequences for some fellow by the name of Fonteroy. Wait, wasn't there a lord or two by that name? Okay, now she was even more curious.

"They need to talk," the cop stated sternly, correctly interpreting the sudden gleam in the eldest princess' eyes, "Something happened tonight, it's shifted the balance."

Rolling her eyes, Azkadellia huffed at him. She _knew_ that. Cain and DG had been dancing around on a knife's edge, now somewhere in the midst of the night's interesting events something had shoved them off. Az wanted to know what happens next.

"It's a long overdue conversation," Gulch continued firmly, "Do you think Cain will be able to have it if he thinks he has an audience?"

The eldest princess faltered. She tried to imagine the reticent Tin Man trying to have a heart to heart conversation with DG in front of so much as one other person. Wouldn't happen. Storms, even for a pre-battle pep talk with Deeg he'd had to wait until everyone else was out of earshot. Looking back at the partially closed door wistfully, the eldest princess sighed. Ever since the enraged Cain had stormed back into the palace carrying the drunken DG, Az had been sure that the Great Wall of Cain was crumbling at last, she'd wanted...

"You can always girl-talk it out of DG later," the cop said consolingly as she capitulated, "Besides," he continued with a pointed look at Dawkins who was sidling closer, "I'm fairly certain that anyone that tries to eavesdrop is going to be participating in a bullet dance."

The guard froze and eyed the mysterious door thoughtfully.

"Go to bed, Princess, it's late and you'll want to be up early to ambush your sister in the morning."

Was he trying to manipulate her? Azkadellia glared at her Othersider suspiciously. She had a vague feeling that he was and it was working, storms take it. There was no getting near the door so there was no sense staying here, and since the only other person of interest in the current situation was passed out in a drunken stupor somewhere there really wasn't anything else to do. Az sighed and allowed the policeman to escort her to the end on the hall. Dawkins followed with great reluctance.

Gulch eyed the guard speculatively, huffed and grabbed a chair from a nearby alcove. Planting it in the middle of the hallway, the policeman plunked himself down and muttered, "I guess I'm on duty tonight after all. They so owe me for this one." Glancing back up, he smiled sheepishly and murmured, "Good night, Your Highness."

The eldest princess' eyebrow quirked up. That had sounded oddly like a dismissal; one did not generally dismiss royalty. After a moment's contemplation she decided to allow it, she'd already decided to go to bed after all, besides she'd just had an idea. The cop looked a bit uneasy when Az grinned at him and obeyed.

"Spoil sport," Dawkins muttered as they moved off, "You don't have to listen to him, Your Highness, guard commanders can't dictate to royalty. He seems to have forgotten that."

"I know," Azkadellia responded serenely.

The guard glanced at her inquisitively, "What are you so happy about?"

"He forgets," the smiling princess replied before skipping into her room.

"Mad, barking mad, the whole lot of them," Dawkins opined with a shake of his head. Reaching out to close the door he paused as he caught sight of the eldest princess, her hand glowing as it rested on one of the room's mirrors.

"I had an idea," Az informed the hopeful guard that had materialized just behind her, "This would be easier with a Viewers help but..." Closing her eyes in concentration, Azkadellia tried to focus the light flowing through her into a connection between this mirror and one that was conveniently placed in Deeg's bedroom. The Tin Man may not be able to have an emotional conversation with people present but this way she wouldn't be present now would she?

Something had happened tonight, anyone could see that. DG and Cain had been circling each other for almost two years now, the Tin Man playing the ever present shadow to Deeg's radiant sunshine. All of the O.Z. must know by now that Cain worshipped the ground the youngest princess walked on, and there could be no doubt in anyone's mind that the Crown Princess adored him right back. The problem was the Tin Man, he was just the sort of honourable man that would convince himself that he shouldn't act on his feelings and would thereby decide to content himself with guarding her for the rest of his life instead. Noble, patronizing, and utterly idiotic – just the sort of thing to send DG right over the edge, especially given recent events. Which, Azkadellia considered as she fed power into her spell, is presumably what had happened.

Az had been watching the two them all this time, they'd been her anchors, her safety, and her happiness for so long after all. Between the Quest for the Emerald, the extended trouble with the Longcoats and DG's nature, not to mention his past, Cain had a plenty of reasons to be a bit on the protective side. The youngest princess had kept the Tin Man on his toes, and Azkadellia had seen them post-rescue countless times. Cain was always twitchy, always hyperaware of DG, and _always_ extremely alert to his environment – the man would scan a nursery for threats. Tonight, however, he'd marched by an entire army, through a hostile confrontation between his son and Gulch, and straight into the Crown Princess' _bedroom_ without paying attention to anything but DG. The feather had finally felled the Papay tree; the only question now was what would the Tin Man do with it?

There was every possibility that Cain would decide to do something _noble_ – he generally didn't seem capable of helping himself – and end up breaking DG's heart in the process. _And if he did_, the eldest princess thought viciously, _I am going to have a little talk with the King of Obstinacy._ Storms, she'd ram him back into his tin suit if that's what it took to make him stop seeing reason. Therefore, she needed to see what was happening, hence the spell.

Okay, to be honest, she was also desperately curious. Life as an evil Sorceress doesn't lend much to romance. Being stuck as to what to do with her particular problems in that area, Az was hoping she could glean something useful from Deeg's.

The mirror shimmered then cleared, no longer reflecting the eldest princess' bedroom but acting as a window into the Crown Princess' instead. DG had been tucked carefully into bed and slept peacefully curled up on her side, facing the Tin Man. Cain sat in a nearby chair, his elbows resting on his knees as he bent in contemplation of the floor. Azkadellia had a moment to examine the scene, then the Tin Man's head rose abruptly and his furious gaze locked on the mirror. Dawkins let out a yelp of surprise and ducked away.

Az was fairly certain the Tin Man hadn't actually been able to see them. Though, she considered, he could be spookily uncanny at times...no, that look of reproach had been for himself. On that thought, the eldest princess drew her hand across the glass and released the spell. Gulch had been right, Cain deserved his privacy. He'd never done anything to hurt her sister in the past; Azkadellia was just going to have to trust him not to fail her now. As for the rest, she reflected with a slight grin, she could girl-talk it out of Deeg in the morning.

After shooing the disappointed guard out the door, the eldest princess crawled into bed and tried to think hopeful thoughts. Maybe tomorrow Cain would be giving daddy a bad day, maybe DG wish would finally be fulfilled, maybe...

_She was standing on the moritanium platform surrounded by an emerald glow, everywhere else was dark, so dark. The Eclipse, it had come and the O.Z. was doomed. Someone was calling her name, attempting to reach her, trying to set her free. Azkadellia turned her head to see DG screaming at her, endeavouring to save the O.Z. and Az both. Run, run, run, the eldest princess thought, but it was the witch that raised her hands as the Sorceress sent the youngest princess flying off the balcony. No! No, no, no, Azkadellia wept as the Sorceress turned her attention back to the sky and the witch rejoiced at the darkness engulfing the Realm. In her peripheral vision, in the small corner of her mind that was still hers, Az watched the balcony, waiting, hoping, pleading that her sisters head would appear as she pulled herself back over the balustrade. But she didn't, the emerald glow persisted and the darkness continued to spread. Time ticked by and still DG did not appear. The Sorceress made the darkness grow and grow and grow..._

"_You about done doing that?" Officer Gulch asked._

_Whirling in surprise_ the eldest princess' head turned on the pillow and she flinched back as the sunlight abruptly caught her full in the face. Opening her eyes blearily, Azkadellia wondered if she actually had woken up. Her Othersider seemed to be hiding behind her door, a chair tucked under one arm and a hand firmly gripping Sneezy's elbow. The guard seemed to be in the middle of one of his sneezing fits. Sneezy, Az remembered fuzzily, was to relieve Dawkins early this morning, which still didn't explain what they were doing in her room.

"Coast is clear," the cop said as he peered out the crack in the door, "so, uh, er..."

Azkadellia figured from the sudden dusky red colour of the back of his neck that Gulch had just realized where he was. When he looked hesitantly over his shoulder only to blush deeper still she was sure of.

"Uh, sorry, Your Highness, I, uh, meant to duck into my room," the policeman stumbled over his words then gave up with a shrug and gave the simplest explanation, "Cain."

The eldest princess blinked at her guards for a moment then she was diving out of bed. The Tin Man was moving about the palace in a manner that sent people scrambling for cover, which meant...did that mean...? Pausing halfway through removing her nightgown as the door slammed behind the hastily retreating guards, Az wondered exactly what it meant. If his and DG's conversation had gone well then he could be preparing to face Ahamo, which he would do with the kind of serious, purposeful air that most would attribute to protective actions and seek to avoid. However, if things had gone bad, Cain would likely be in a temper and would stalk about the palace in a state of glaring gloom...which everybody would avoid. _Storms take it Tin Man,_ Azkadellia thought as she ripped off the nightgown, _why do you have to be so menacing all the time_. She had no idea if she needed to comfort Deeg or congratulate her.

Halfway through tying up her corset strings the door burst open and a radiant DG danced into the room. "Come on, Az," she trilled, "Cain's gone to summon Ahamo to his study and I know just where we can get a look-see."

"Summon?" her sister inquired as Deeg tugged her towards the door.

"Request then," DG laughed, "They don't do this much anymore on the Otherside, I've just got to see."

_Well_, reflected Az_, there's nothing like an invitation._

The lookout into the Consort's study turned out to be a false wall that opened into a space just big enough for two princesses and a guard. It appeared Dawkins was a bad influence on his fellow guards, the eldest princess contemplated as Sneezy squeezed in beside them.

"Don't," Az hissed under her breath, "even think of sneezing."

"Shh," cautioned DG.

The door opened to admit a grumpy looking Consort and the ever serious Tin Man.

"Is this really so urgent that it necessitated interrupting breakfast?" Ahamo asked irritably as he plunked himself down behind the desk.

"It is to me, sir," Cain said, turning his fedora in his hands as he remained standing.

"Sir?" the Consort repeated in surprise, "why are you...oh God!" he exclaimed, his eyes widening in sudden comprehension, "You can't be serious!"

The Tin Man's expression took on a grim cast, "I am, sir, perfectly."

"You're twice her age!" DG's father hissed furiously.

"I am well aware of that, sir," Cain ground out.

"I mean, I know that she...I was aware that she...dammit, I thought that you'd..."

"Play the honourable man and give her time to grow out of it, change her mind? I tried, sir, I have my limits and DG is...persistent. She knows her own mind and I'm the lucky damn bastard that it's set on. I've come to ask for your blessing."

"And if I say no?" the Consort asked in the Seeker's voice as he leaned forward menacingly. Behind the false wall two princesses sucked in an angry breath.

"Then I'd say I think I'm a bit old for elopements but doubtless DG will change my mind," the Tin Man replied urbanely. Cain met Ahamo's glare with a look that reminded the Consort just who he was trying to menace. "I imagine, sir," the Tin Man continued evenly, "that you've been apprised of last night's events. DG was out in _Sin Square_ without a single guard, dead drunk and in the company of a boy more likely to get her killed by accident than to afford her the slightest protection."

"Yes, but..."

"He _left_ her there – with the best intentions he is capable of – dancing around a pole and too inebriated to see straight."

Ahamo blanched.

"And the _reason_ she decided to go out carousing was because a certain _honourable_ man was too busy being noble and responsible, and insisting he knew best tried to make her decisions for her. And dammit, sir, I haven't the right. DG makes her own choices, and by some miracle she's chosen me. I am _tired_ of denying myself that chance at happiness and I'll make sure she gets hers if I have to fight the whole damn O.Z. to get it. I'm not asking your permission, sir, but I'd like your blessing, may I have it?" Cain was practically crushing the hat in his hands, his breathing heavy, and his eyes practically blazing as he all but demanded the hand of the Crown Princess of the O.Z.

"I think," Deeg informed her sister in the barest of whispers, "that I am going to swoon."

Azkadellia spared one anxious glance for her sister then turned back to the confrontation. Neither the Tin Man or the Consort were moving as they stared at each other, something Cain could do for hours if he put his mind to it, as well the eldest princess knew. She hoped they wouldn't, though; it wasn't exactly comfortable in here.

Ahamo managed to hold out for maybe five minutes then he slumped abruptly in his chair looking strangely tired. "I'm sorry, Cain, I just, ungh," he groaned, running a hand through his hair, "I know you're a good man, DG couldn't find a better one, I knew this was coming, it's just...I just got them back dammit. I was hoping, despite all the suitors that have been crawling all over the place, that I'd get to keep them for a bit." Grinning wistfully, the Consort continued, "I guess I'll just have to be content that my youngest daughter found someone determined to make her happy. You've got my blessing."

The Tin Man relaxed instantly. "Thank you, sir," he said gratefully, "And I'm sorry..."

"Don't," Ahamo cut him off, standing up, "You said what needed to be said as you always do – you and that damn cop. There's no hiding from the truth with the two of you running around. Just stop calling me 'sir'."

"I'm not calling you 'dad'," Cain responded with the slightest quirk of his lips.

"God no!" the Consort exclaimed, horrified, "Just call me Ahamo and make my daughter happy," he said holding out his hand.

"Will do," the Tin Man replied, taking it.

Shaking his future son-in-law's hand firmly, DG's father clapped Cain on the shoulder and said gruffly, "Okay, now get out of here before that daughter of mine gets herself into trouble. I've got to go make my wife ecstatic and infuriate the majority of our advisors. Actually," he mused with the beginnings of a grin, "that should be kind of fun."

Closing the door on the Tin Man, the Consort stood a moment in quiet contemplation before pulling a bottle out of a nearby drawer and pouring himself a shot. "To the future," he murmured in toast and drained the glass. Then he, too, left the room.

Cain's footsteps, meanwhile, had sounded purposefully as he strode back towards the Royal Apartments. When he turned the corner and passed by their hiding place, however, he stopped abruptly. _How does he do that_, Azkadellia thought as the Tin Man sprung open the false wall and hauled the youngest princess out. Lifting DG into the air, he spun the delighted, laughing princess in circles until both were dizzy and a little bit giddy.

"Hello Wyatt," Deeg said with a smile as Cain set her gently on her feet.

"Good morning, DG," he replied, and as the Tin Man joined his Princess in joyful laughter, his future sister-in-law peeped happily around the corner with her guard and thought it was a good morning indeed.


	39. Popcorn

_Disclaimer: I am going to stick my fingers in my ears and hum while you tell me how I don't own Tin Man. Mmmmmmmmmmm. I also don't own the 'Duke of Earl' song which is old enough that some of you may need to look it up first to get the joke (QC did)._

_Author's Note: Some time ago Quality Control informed me that you guys like me too much therefore I shall be doomed to write for you forever. She also realized that that meant that she is thereby doomed to quality check for me into eternity. Given that while I was off reading books a couple of ideas that I'd been pretending didn't exist cemented themselves in my mind, an idea I'd long forgotten before I started writing them down resurrected itself in my brain, and a new idea rooted itself as well, I very much fear that she is correct. Remember the silver lining QC, remember the silver lining. It won't work for me but at least you can take some comfort. Alas, woe is me._

_PS Sorry for yet another delay but this chapter was being somewhat difficult – both Quality Control and I flagged it for revision. Good thing, though, because it got a lot more fun in the process (in my opinion). Good thing dad lent me out to the neighbours (it was bound to happen sooner or later, always does) as raking hay is great thinking time._

* * *

...

Azkadellia took her seat with a feeling of anticipation. She was _so_ glad daddy had decided to address this 'little matter' to the general assembly of advisors. This was going to be fun.

"Do I smell popcorn?" DG asked seating herself next to her sister while Cain took his place to Deeg's left side and prepared to look belligerent.

"I felt it was appropriate," Officer Gulch responded as he settled in to stand behind the eldest princess chair, "Peanut Gallery, six o'clock."

The youngest princess slewed around in her seat until she could see the tiered balcony behind them. Like the rest of the balconies encircling the Great Council Chamber, it was intended for use during sessions of the complete Court of Lords, today, however, they were empty except for...was that...?

"Dawkins found out about today's emergency meeting," Gulch explained.

Joining her sister in scrutinizing the architecture, Azkadellia realized what she had mistaken for an alcove statue was actually the mischievous member of her protection detail. Nudging DG, Az nodded in his direction with a giggle. The guard in question noticed their scrutiny, grinned impishly, and waved before shoving a handful of something white and crunchy into his mouth and withdrawing further into the shadows. Scanning the room further, she discovered another guard by a pillar, one crouched in the steps, and several following Dawkins example by imitating alcove statues...there were a _lot_ of alcove statues. The eldest princess was also willing to bet there were more that she had yet to spot, indeed, she'd never have noticed Dawkins if her Othersider hadn't told them where to look.

"Gee, where are the kitchen maids?" DG inquired sarcastically.

"Not invited," the cop replied urbanely, "only guards were, you'd have to ask Dawkins why. Members of his unit got in free; the rest had to pay admission fees."

Deeg's lips twitched as she spotted a few more concealed in the draperies, "That is a _lot_ of popcorn."

"It's not so bad once you get the hang of it."

"Get the hang of it? What's so hard about popcorn?" DG demanded.

"Plenty of things when you aren't starting from properly prepared corn kernels," the policeman replied, "Have you ever tried to make popcorn from absolute scratch?"

"Ah."

"Shouldn't someone put a stop to that?" a certain Royal Advisor queried vaguely, apparently not having decided on a persona for the day.

"Why?" posed Gulch, "They're on Cain's side. Besides, it's good training. See if they can manage to go unnoticed by those that haven't been told they are there."

"Oh, alright then," Glitch nodded and took his seat.

Around the council chamber the other advisors were doing the same. There was a great deal of whispered speculation taking place. As no council sessions had been planned for quite some time the sudden need for a full assembly was bound to raise some eyebrows, especially given that Gulch was in attendance. The Othersider still hadn't been allowed back into the political arena since his rather colourful performance at Finaqua.

"Ladies and Gentlemen," Ahamo's voice carried over the subdued din. A couple of older advisors winced. There was a traditional protocol and speech the Consort was supposed to use when opening a council session but, as far as Azkadellia was aware, daddy had never once used it. "Now I know you are all wondering why you have been called here today, and I am terribly sorry for interrupting any business you had otherwise planned," the Consort continued, not appearing particularly apologetic. In fact, he was looking decidedly smug. Having gotten over his initial shock, Ahamo was evidently anticipating throwing a mobat wrench into a few tic toc gears. DG's choice of consort had been a subject of much interest and conjecture after all; a great deal of political manoeuvring and plotting – some of it downright dastardly – had been expended in attempts to sway her choice. The lords and advisors of the O.Z. were about to be rendered exceedingly furious; shame there wasn't time to call a complete Council of Lords, their reactions would have been a treat to see. Would have spoiled the guards' hiding place, though.

"I have called you here on a matter of great import, it regards the Crown Princess' choice of consort," Ahamo paused for effect as the entire room went dead quiet, "My daughter has made her decision, this morning I received and accepted a formal request for the Princess DG's hand," the Consort smiled maliciously, "from Wyatt Cain."

There was instant uproar.

_"What?"_

"This is an outrage...!"

"She can't...!"

"A commoner...!"

"Well he _is_ a Hero of the Eclipse..."

"He's a _bodyguard_..."

"Actually he is a Royal Advisor..."

"That is not the _point_," one lord managed to make himself heard over the general din by slamming his hand down on the tabletop, "It is not a matter of Wyatt Cain's social standing, it is a matter of political ramifications. The O.Z. still has not regained the stability it enjoyed before the Sorceress' reign. The Royal Family's position is still somewhat tenuous; we cannot afford to take the marriage of the Crown Princess lightly. For the sake of the Realm I must strongly advise against this union. What we need, what the Royal Family and the O.Z. needs is an alliance with an ally of strength and influence."

"A political marriage," DG stated flatly.

"Yes."

An indistinct grumbling filled the air, Cain's expression reached full belligerence, Deeg looked decidedly mutinous and Glitch contemplated where exactly to kick the offending lord. Az's own glare was interrupted when a sudden shower of thrown popcorn necessitated her to perform a little quick magic lest it alert the advisors to the interlopers' presence. The former Sorceress was rewarded with a lap full of miniaturized Otherside cuisine.

"Just a thought," interjected Officer Gulch before the advisors could figure out where the objections were coming from, "but..."

"You do not have the authority to speak here guard, still your tongue before one must order it stilled for you," another lord rebuked harshly, causing the eldest princess and the hidden guards to hiss in fury.

The policeman made a swift hand gesture without looking away from the assembled lords, the angered guards quieted instantly. "I would like to request the assembled body hear me out," he continued mildly, "consider me an ambassador from the Otherside if it makes you feel better."

"You may speak Guard Commander Gulch," the Queen intoned solemnly before anyone else could protest.

Nodding his acknowledgement, the cop continued, "I was just wondering how a royal family endeavouring to re-establish itself in the good graces of its subjects is harmed by the heir marrying one of her people, especially a hero of the people. Seems to me a good way to connect with the common folk."

There was a moment of stunned silence.

"Did he just make sense?" one advisor asked another in a stage whisper.

"It could work..."'

"Otherside daydream," scoffed a lord, "It's all well and good to..."

"You seem to be labouring under a misapprehension here," Cain's rumbling voice cut the discussion off abruptly as the Tin Man spoke up for the first time since the meeting had begun, "we were not asking your permission, merely informing you as to the arrangement. Like it or not, DG and I are getting married, the O.Z. will survive."

"But..."

"Yes?" Cain inquired as his gaze settled on the protestor who suddenly had nothing to say. Uncomfortable silence fell on the gathering once more.

"I, ah, I suppose we could always give him a title," one of the advisors suggested tentatively, "knight or duke or earl..."

DG shot bolt upright. "Yes," she hissed, "the Duke of Earl."

A few seats away Ahamo's eyes danced in instant amusement. "Duke, duke, duke, Duke of Earl, Duke of Earl, Duke of Earl," he sang quietly as Deeg harmonized and the unheeding advisors began to debate the latest outrageous notion they'd been presented with.

"Great, just great," Gulch complained, "now that's going to be stuck in my head all day." In his hiding spot just inside the door, Bashful seemed to agree – he was smacking his hand repeatedly, if silently, against his forehead.

"I don't want a bloody title," the Tin Man groused, his hand coming to rest on his gun as if he was considering using it.

Azkadellia glanced around the room in growing amusement. The meeting with the Royal Advisors certainly lacking a lot of the dignity she remembered them having in the past. A few lords were arguing furiously against the thought of a mere commoner not only running away with the greatest matrimonial prize in the Realm but also being awarded a title as well. Some of the more forward thinking advisors, however, seemed to be considering her Othersider's words and were beginning to back the idea. A previously invisible guard betrayed his hiding place to the eldest princess when he started pretending to snipe shots at the opposed lords. DG and Ahamo had been sidetracked by their little ditty and were now having a father-daughter moment singing Otherside songs apparently specifically selected to irritate the policeman. Cain was splitting his focus between glaring at the councillors and observing DG and Ahamo's antics with a slight smile. The eldest princess was one of the very few people behaving with the slightest decorum. Catching the exposed guard's eyes, Az narrowed her own slightly, causing him to smile sheepishly and slide back under cover.

"If we could have order in the council room," the Queen commanded after a few minutes, "we have some important affairs to discuss." As the advisors settled down once more she continued, "We did not call this meeting to decide whether or not the marriage was advisable, we called it," she continued with sudden glee, "to announce and plan a wedding."

"But, Your Majesty, please consider..."

"What?" the Queen rejoined coolly, "The state of the O.Z.? My daughter's happiness? I am considering both. The O.Z. was not harmed by my marriage to a man not even born in the Realm; I see no reason why it should suffer from my daughter's marriage to a man of Wyatt Cain's character and ability."

"I beg to differ, Your Majesty," a lord argued, "but there was not such a need for an alliance at the time of your and the Consort's union."

"I think that I must disagree," Ambrose interjected contemplatively, "the Othersider made a surprisingly valid point regarding the binding of the Royal Family with its people, and it's not like there isn't another marrimph amurmle mumphmumph." The Royal Advisor's speech cut off abruptly as his left hand flew up to cover his mouth.

"What was that?" asked the lord, "Another what?"

"Nothing! Nothingnothingnothingnothing," Glitch shouted hastily, rolling his eyes fearfully in the direction of the eldest princess.

The damage had been done, however, as several of the lords and advisors followed his gaze and the wheels of political thought began to turn once more. Azkadellia glared at them.

"Sorry Az," Deeg muttered beneath her breath, "I think you just inherited my suitors, may you have as much success avoiding them as I."

"A Royal Wedding could be arranged in a year," the apparent spokesman of the formerly opposed lords offered.

"A_ year!_" DG shrieked, aghast.

"Well, maybe six months if we really pushed, but no sooner if we are to do it properly."

"Six mon...I don't care if I have to get married in the stables; I'm not waiting six months!"

"The nails won't hold that long," Azkadellia murmured quietly. Ahamo choked, Cain went beat red.

"I'm sorry, Your Highness, but there is no way to arrange a Royal Wedding any sooner," the lord countered reasonable, "I am unaware of how the Otherside handles these matters, but in the O.Z. we cannot just throw together a wedding when the Royal Family involved. It is important for the people, especially given that this is the first event of this nature since the Restoration."

"Why don't you add it to the Heroes of the Eclipse Celebration?" a voice inquired.

Turning in surprise, the eldest princess saw Happy fidget uncomfortably as he suddenly came under the scrutiny of the entire room. There was a subtle flurry of movement in the balconies as the less well-concealed guards tried to escape notice. The guard flushed bright red as he realized what he'd just done. Stepping away from his chosen pillar he endeavoured to keep the advisors' attention on him and away from his fellow guards.

"It would work," he said awkwardly, "The parties are already prepared, all you need is a dress and a minister and you've got yourself a wedding. Well," Happy considered, "you'd need a few more things, but two Heroes of the Eclipse getting married during the celebration, people will love it."

"Would someone please explain to me why the one of Royal Guards seems to have invited himself to – and interrupted – a private council session?" one of the lords asked astringently.

"I'm here on special assignment," Happy claimed with sudden inspiration.

"On whose authority?"

"As of right now," the Crown Princess interjected, "mine, I like the way he thinks. Heroes of the Eclipse Celebration it is, that's not too long a wait."

"But..."

"It's decided," issued the Queen, "The wedding of Princess DG and Tin Man Wyatt Cain will be held during the Heroes of the Eclipse Celebration, now all that is left is to choose a venue."

"The Central City ball would be the easiest choice," one of the advisors suggested, switching tacks with ease while Happy sank down into a seat, relieved to be ignored once more.

"The Great Hall in the Northern Island is far more elegant a location for..."

"Not the Northern Island!" DG, Cain and Azkadellia objected as one.

"Finaqua then, the other locations don't have the necessary facilities..."

"It is better to hold it in Central City," a lord insisted, "An event of this import should be held in the grandeur of the capital, not in a mere country palace."

"Personally," DG muttered, "I'd prefer an outdoor wedding then at least the pomp and circumstance could be kept down to ignorable level."

"We could ask the Eastern Guild or the Papay if they'd be willing to play host," Cain murmured back.

"The Papay Fields are magnificent this time of the annual," Az noted.

"Think we'll be able to convince this lot of that?" Deeg wondered sceptically, "They seem fixed on architectural splendour."

"Princess," the Tin Man said with a smile, drawing his gun and setting it on the table, "if you want an outdoor wedding, you'll get one."

The various ongoing debates in the room came stuttering to a halt while the guards leaned forward in anticipation. Sitting back and watching Cain prepare do battle on DG's behalf, the dignified Princess Azkadellia decided to eat her popcorn and enjoy the show.


	40. Sugar

_Disclaimer: I am taking absolutely no responsibility for this, yup, I do not own and I'm blaming it all on Azkadellia._

_Author's Note: You have no idea how much this chapter offends my sensibilities, I'm sure you're going to love it. Now excuse me, I have to go hurl. _

* * *

...

Azkadellia watched DG and the Tin Man with fluttering heart and girlish grin. Ever since their engagement had become official Cain had been acting positively _adorable_ towards Deeg. Not that he'd undergone a complete personality change or anything, the difference was subtle: the slightest relaxation of his usual tense posture, a certain soft look to his gaze, little gestures that showed, now that he could allow himself, just how much the Tin Man cared for his princess. Az thought it was the sweetest thing, her guards, however, had a slightly different perspective.

"That," said Dawkins, "is positively nauseating."

DG had just bounced into the kitchen where they were all having breakfast, wrapped her arms around the seated Cain and given him a good morning kiss.

"Now that's just creepy," Bashful added as the Tin Man smiled up at her, "glowering Cain I can handle, angry Cain is manageable, _smiling_ Cain is just plan scary."

"Oh come on!" protested Grumpy, dropping his spoon and shoving his bowl away in disgust as DG climbed into the Tin Man's lap and started feeding him strawberries, "I was eating!"

Judging from the blushing Cain's face, the eldest princess figured Deeg was behaving that way as much to fluster her Tin Man as to aggravate the guards she knew were watching. If the youngest princess and Dawkins ever had a competition to see who was the biggest mischief-maker the O.Z. was unlikely to survive the fallout.

"What was it that Old Gulchy was telling them the other day?" inquired Sneezy, "Oh yes, get a room!"

"I think it's kinda cute," opined Happy.

The rest of Azkadellia's protection detail dropped their breakfasts in shock and turned to stare at their comrade.

"Let's just move ya over here," said the disgruntled Grumpy, picking up Happy's breakfast and dropping it on a nearby table, "so as not ta spread the crazy."

"What that is," Dawkins asserted sternly as Happy took his banishment in good humour, "is a nauseating public display of affection, an overload of sugary sweetness not to be inflicted upon one's fellow man." He paused as across the room the unheeding DG and Cain stood up, one of her hands tucked in his, and exited the room, the princess leaning ever so slightly on her Tin Man. After a moment the guard continued, "Lucky bastard."

"Yeah," his fellow bachelors agreed.


	41. Wiles

_Disclaimer: I am not currently functional enough to have fun with the disclaimer; do not own._

_Author's Note: Don't get overly excited at the end of this chapter. Yes, there is a follow up, but that is only because whatever the heck is the matter with me has immobilized me enough without, for the most part, interfering with my head that I haven't had much to do but sleep, read, and come up with story ideas. Oh hurrah, you get to benefit from my misery. Hmmm, that sounded a bit snappish, perhaps a bit more sleep..._

_PS I am now three chapter ahead of you, next chapter is short, as is this one, you have been warned._

* * *

...

Azkadellia was witnessing a miracle, truly she was, there was no other explanation for the current situation.

"_Please_," DG begged, her eyes wide, innocent and imploring.

"No," Officer Gulch refused without a moment's hesitation or even the slightest hint of wavering. With the exception of that one time with extreme mitigating circumstances, _no one_ had ever shown themselves to be so entirely impervious to DG's big blue eyes, Az hadn't thought it possible.

"Come on Gulch, I'm begging you here on bended knees," the youngest princess tried again.

"You appear to be standing fairly straight to me," the Othersider rejoined flatly.

"Metaphorically speaking," Deeg pleaded, "Help me, Gulch, you're my only hope."

"Do I _look_ like Obi-Wan Kenobi to you? And your reference is way off base. Don't you have people for these kinds of things?" pointed out the unrelenting cop.

"It's not the same!" huffed DG, "And you're the only one I can ask."

"Ask Cain," the policeman fired back, "he'd run around Central City naked if you asked him to, he should be willing to take you."

The youngest princess was momentarily distracted by the image his statement induced. Shaking her head, she soldiered on indignantly, "You know very well he can't come. Come on Gulch, you're the only one he'll trust to watch out for me."

"Eh?" exclaimed the startled Gulch.

Sensing weakness, the youngest princess pounced. "So _please_ will you take us? Pretty please with a cherry on top? I'll never ask for anything again," she wheedled, throwing out the big guns: the wide blued-eyed street urchin gaze with just a hint of tears. This, apparently, was a mistake, any other male in the Realm would have crumbled instantly, Gulch, however, was made of sterner stuff.

"No," he replied firmly, his resolve making it through the trial of water intact, "And don't you go trying your wiles on me, I got wise to your tricks years ago. About the same time you took Hank's tractor for a joyride in fact."

"Az," the former Kansas farm girl huffed in defeat, "help me."

Azkadellia look at her sister incredulously. What, exactly, was she supposed to do? Her Othersider had long since proven immune to her glare, which was currently the only weapon the eldest princess had in her you-do-what-I-want tool box. Royal Decrees were also useless since Officer Gulch tended to pick and choose which ones he felt like listening to. Still, this was important to Deeg.

"Please?" Az asked reasonably, placing a hand on his arm.

Officer Gulch froze. The eldest princess, having spent all of her non-Sorceress-possessed life observing the awesome persuasive capabilities of blue eyes, had never given a thought to the power of brown. She was merely asking him, for the sake of her sister, with no tricks or manipulation, just honest, earnest doe eyes.

Her Othersider wavered. His eyes were fairly deer-like as well – a deer caught in the headlights in point of fact. The policeman swallowed hard, completely oblivious to DG's dawning triumphant grin. "Fine," he said at last, "_fine_, I'll take you," his mouth scrunched together in a pained grimace, "_dress shopping_."


	42. Torture

_Disclaimer: This is not the owner of Tin Man you are looking for._

_Author's Note: I specifically told you last chapter not to get your hopes up about this chapter and some of you went and did it anyhow, now you are doomed to disappointment. No really, this chapter is short, takes place in the O.Z., and was written while I was still spending a great deal of time curled up in pain or to avoid pain as it were. I'm almost certain I'm better now but you really shouldn't have gotten your hopes up. Well, here goes._

* * *

...

Azkadellia had always loved the Central City bazaars. They'd always seemed so full of life and mystery with their eclectic shops and their myriad of customers. When they were children Deeg and Az had driven their protection details to distraction trying to find them as they lost themselves amongst the stalls and dived down alleyways. Some things hadn't changed. The markets were still bustling, the customers still varied towards the exotic, and there was still the irrepressible urge to race about and explore. They didn't, though. If common sense hadn't informed the eldest princess of the unwisdom of being separated from her bodyguard, the way the crowd parted at her passing would have. The palace staff and advisors might be beginning to see past the Sorceress but it was apparent that the common folk still weren't comfortable with her presence. DG, meanwhile, was likely only behaving because this trip depended a great deal of on the good will of Officer Gulch, one false move and he'd be more than happy to drag them all back to the palace.

Her Othersider was most certainly not enjoying himself. He'd tried, before they'd set out, to get another guard or two to accompany them but even the eager and often bored guards in DG's protection detail backed out the second they learned the purpose of the trip. Gulch just didn't have it in him to subject his fellow man to dress hunting expedition and so didn't turn his request into an order. Thus it was that the policeman was on his own for this detail, following after the princesses with the expression of a man undergoing an excruciating torture session.

"What's this?" DG asked as she was distracted from her search by a stall filled with interesting instruments and gizmos.

"A child's toy," Azkadellia replied after a moment's inspection, "I believe Ambrose invented this one...where did you go?" she asked, turning around as DG and Gulch abruptly vanished from her side. "Oh come on now," the eldest princess remarked in exasperation as she finally spotted them across the laneway and edging steadily away, "he made these before he was also Glitch, there's nothing wrong with them. In fact, Deeg, he used to make all our most interesting toys, they have several here..."

"Weren't we dress shopping?" the cop interjected hastily, having apparently found a greater evil.

"Yes," agreed DG, "yes, we were. Look, that looks like a promising shop over there," she continued, pointing to a tent on the far side of the market.

"Better check it out," Gulch opined, and grabbing Azkadellia's right arm while DG grabbed the left, they dragged the eldest princess away.

Strolling into their twentieth shop of the day, the bodyguard and the youngest princess looked about them with an air of hope. Personally, Az didn't understand Deeg's obsession with white dresses but if she was going to insist on one this place was a veritable goldmine. Officer Gulch was obviously becoming optimistic that the agony was almost over.

"You haven't tried on any dresses," her Othersider commented as DG hit the store like a tornado and disappeared into the curtained off fitting area.

"I'm having the Royal Tailors make mine," the eldest princess replied, "I know what I want."

"Oh, good," he replied with palpable relief that only one dress would be required.

"Does this dress make me look fat?" Deeg's mischievous voice broke in, causing Gulch to drop his head into his hands in pure anguish.

"Are you _honestly_ asking me that?" he growled, "Evil, tormenting being of a..." the cop broke off as he looked up, "Actually, yes, it would make anyone look fat. Where on earth did you find the white circus tent?"

"Not on earth, in the O.Z.," the youngest princess trilled back airily, "See, this is why I didn't leave it up to the Royal Tailors, I didn't want to be blindsided by their ideas of fashion." And with that she slipped away to try on her serious selections.

They were in the shop for over an hour, DG parading out in dress after dress, growing increasingly frustrated with Gulch's interminable 'looks fine' responses while Azkadellia endeavoured to give more constructive criticism. Before long the policeman had found a group of unhappy looking men to sit with and share their common misery.

"How about this one?" DG huffed, storming out of the change area wearing a simple, light and airy gown. Crossing her arms she glared down at the cop and dared him to answer with 'looks fine'.

Officer Gulch looked her over once, blinked and said, "You look like a gypsy, suits you."

DG grinned. "This one," she declared triumphantly, "I'll have the Royal Tailors fix up the bodice a little, make a few adjustments here and there and then it'll be good to go."

"Oh, leave the bodice," one of the younger men commented cheerfully.

Both princesses froze. Officer Gulch reached out and smacked him sharply on the back of the head. And that was it, no guns, no police chase, just a pointed rebuke and a muttered apology.

"We should shop with Gulch more often," Azkadellia suggested, "it is much more relaxing."

"No," the bodyguard stated firmly, "Never again, and now that we have a dress we may bring this nightmare to an end."

"Not quite," DG disagreed cheerfully, "we still need to find shoes."

Officer Gulch walked over to the wall and started banging his head against it.


	43. Presents

_Disclaimer: I's not owning Tin Man, I's not._

_Author's Note: Some of you seem to be under the impression that I am doing more shopping chapters. I am not. Sorry to disappoint. Well in theory I am. I'm not particularly fond of shopping so writing those chapters are kind of torture. The story must move on and I gleefully do so. Hope you enjoy._

* * *

...

Azkadellia was feeling a bit frantic. Her Othersider had disappeared sometime after his guard duty yesterday and hadn't been seen since. Or more correctly, she hadn't seen him since. Sneezy had assured her that the policeman had returned unharmed from wherever he'd been but as he'd sworn the guard to secrecy there was nothing Sneezy could do. There was something the eldest princess could do, though, she glared at him.

"Ah," said the instantly nervous guard, "Er, that is, I'm sorry Your Highness, but I really can't say. Old Gulchy commanded me not to tell anyone."

Az narrowed her eyes further. The problem with Officer Gulch having succeeded in gaining the respect of his underlings, along with her gradual humanization in the eyes of the O.Z., is that her guards now feared Gulch's wrath as much as they did hers. Which meant that she was no longer able to override the guard commander's orders whenever she wished. No, now the guards weighed the pros and cons first before deciding which wrathful being they'd rather face. Far too often these days, Gulch was coming out ahead.

The eldest princess' shoulders slumped abruptly in defeat as she realized that this was one of those instances. She gazed up at Sneezy wistfully, acknowledging that her only real hope of seeing Gulch before he was back on duty some eighteen hours from now was lost to her, and looking for all the world like a kicked puppy.

"That is," Sneezy choked out, succumbing instantly, "orders are orders but it is rather _low_ of him not to tell you where he is, makes him a bit of a _bottom dweller_. I don't mean anything against him," the guard added hastily as Azkadellia immediately fired up at the perceived slight towards her Othersider, "I just mean that it was _down_right silly of him not to have informed you of his whereabouts. Quite _base_ of him really."

This time Az got it. Pulling a DG, she danced forward and threw her arms around the poor bewildered guard. "Thank you," she chimed.

"I didn't tell you anything," the panicked Sneezy insisted.

"No, of course not," the eldest princess agreed, releasing him, "orders being orders and all that." Then she was hustling off to find the nearest set of stairs that would lead to the basement.

Officer Gulch up was holed up in the smaller, and generally unused, motorcar garage. A flurry of movement greeted her arrival as the cop sprang up guiltily and hastily covered something with a tarp.

"Oh, it's you," he said with relief upon identifying his visitor.

"Were you expecting someone else?" she asked archly.

"DG or Dawkins actually," the cop replied wryly, pulling back the tarp, "You know how they like to pry, and I would like to keep this a secret if at all possible."

"Keep what secret?"

"DG's wedding present."

Azkadellia surveyed the scattered bits of metal sceptically. "This is a wedding present?" she inquired doubtfully.

"It will be," the policeman replied as he began sorting through the pieces, "It's DG's prized motorcycle."

"This is a motorcycle?" the eldest princess stated dubiously, "I thought it was wrecked."

"Well," Gulch hummed as he examined a twisted piece of metal, "I'm not saying it won't be difficult, DG has an unparalleled skill for parking her bikes in trees. I'm not surprised she gave it up as a lost cause, it took forever to convince the munchkins to help me get it down. The student, evidently, has not yet become the master. Can you hand me the persuader?"

"The what?"

"The hammer, it's over there."

Handing the requested tool over and watching as the Othersider 'persuaded' the damaged metal to regain its former shape, Az mulled over his previous statement about student and master. "You taught DG how to fix things?" she asked in surprise.

"Well it certainly wasn't Hank," he replied acerbically, "the man...cyborg...whatever couldn't change a tire without an instruction manual. Everything," the cop mimicked, "was so much easier in Milltown. Though tires," he continued mildly, "are fairly basic."

"Where did you learn?" she asked as Gulch sorted through a pile of nuts and bolts.

"Dad was an army mechanic before he was a farmer," the policeman murmured absently as he found what he was looking for and began to join two parts together. Az wondered how he knew what went where, the motorcycle was an incomprehensible mess to her. "Could you hand me the socket set?"

Having had seen the triumphant DG dancing about with this particular part of the mechanic's arsenal some months previously, Azkadellia actually knew what he was talking about. "Decided against trading it to DG for the kingdom?" she inquired lightly.

"I thought of it, truly I thought about it," the cop replied airily, "there's just one small problem."

"Oh?"

"I don't want a kingdom, too much responsibility."

The eldest princess of the O.Z. screwed her mouth up in a rueful grimace. Responsibility had never been avoidable for her, though thanks to a certain wicked witch she had been downgraded to a supporting role. How fortunate, apparently. "What are you getting for Cain?" she asked. The Tin Man, who was now by default going to be the recipient of that responsibility.

"Bullet proof vest, I had a spare. I wager he'll need it."

"He does get shot a lot," Az said contemplatively, "though that should be settling down, besides people are usually shooting at me."

Her Othersider hummed noncommittally.

Measuring his response a minute, the eldest princess said defensively, "DG doesn't get people shot."

Gulch merely raised an eyebrow and looked at her.

"DG got you shot?" she demanded.

"Once."

"W-what...what happened?" Az stammered, horrified.

"DG learned not to play with firearms," the policeman replied urbanely, "It was terribly careless of me, hiding the gun on top of the kitchen cabinets and the bullets in the garage," he mused as he picked up another part and began to clean it.

"That was careless?"

"For DG that is like an open invitation," Gulch pointed out, "besides, she never found the bullets, I forgot to remove the chambered round. She thought it was unloaded, as children generally do in those situations. Fortunately she shot me and not herself. Plus side was that mom never offered to babysit again. Win-win, really."

Azkadellia merely gaped at him. Every now and again, just every so often, she wondered if there was a little madness inherent to the Otherside. Her eyes narrowed in speculation, "It's that scar on your bicep isn't it?"

"Uh, yeah," the cop muttered, blushing bright red with the memory of just how she knew where all his scars were, "So," he said hastily to change the subject, "what are you getting for the happy couple?"

"A firing squad?" DG had actually _shot_ her Othersider.

Officer Gulch burst out laughing; Az loved it when he did that. "No really," he chortled, "Water under the bridge, what are you really getting them?"

"I don't know, I haven't been able to think of anything. Once it would have been so easy..." she trailed off wistfully.

"Hmmm," contemplated Gulch as he set aside the part he was working on and picked up another, "I guess the usual household goods are out, she won't need them. Wouldn't have the slightest interest in jewellery save the ring Cain's giving her. Make her something bizarre, enchant her bike so that it never runs out of gas – though you'll never see her again if you do – give the Tin Man a DG tracking device. Doesn't seem to need one but he'll love it anyhow." Shrugging he continued, "Can't really help you there, you'll think of something."

"Yeah, I suppose," she said glumly, "though I wish I had more time."

"DG seemed rather adamant against time," the cop grumbled, "Could wait two years for the man to finally to say something, but now that he has she won't wait for anything. Typical."

Azkadellia grinned at him. "That reminds me, I'm supposed to be at a dress fitting," she said, standing up and brushing off her dress.

"Ugh, don't remind me, would it have killed her grab my suit while she was raiding my wardrobe? The headcase keeps trying to convince me to wear one of those tailed monstrosities."

The eldest princess had a sudden image of her Othersider flapping around the dance field a few weeks from now and giggled.

"Yeah, that's what I thought," the policeman said sourly, "Shoo, get off to your girly stuff, and Princess," he called out as she made to leave, "try not to tell anyone about this," he added dryly.

"Sneezy never told me anything," Az declared righteously.

"Riiight," he replied sceptically, "and the moon is made of green cheese."

"Actually..."

Gulch slapped his hands over his ears, wincing as he whacked himself with the wrench he was holding. "Wait, don't tell me, if it is I don't want to know about it," he told her hastily.

Azkadellia laughed and ran up the stairs, he was so easy to tease sometimes. The O.Z., as she had been about to tell him, had two moons.


	44. Dance Partners

_Disclaimer: Man Tin own not do I. __Nor do I own the Garth Brooks songs soon to be mentioned – deal with it people._

_Author's Note: Well I hope everyone is enjoying the holidays I'm assuming they're on, though some are back now and I say Welcome Back! It's been so lonely without you, hardly a reviewer around to keep me company. Sniff. Actually, I'm mostly jealous of the holidays – my brother leaves on Tuesday for the Netherlands, I'm not bitter at all. Nope, not at all. On a plus note, we are now in countdown until I am back in high speed internet land. Oh yes, I shall be there soon, very soon. Won't be a holiday but I'll be able to stop performing internet raids, sitting creepily in the dark in the dead of night, and performing message dumps, occasionally to the wrong recipient. I shall be experiencing the internet in real time once more. Muwhahahahahahahhahha!_

_PS Ahem. Anyhoo, this is the last chapter I wrote while I was feeling squishy, which apparently causes me to write mush. At least that's what Quality Control says. This chapter wasn't supposed to be mushy, and I kind of want to challenge the accusation, I consider if to be feel good and fun. Not near as mushy as 'Fountain of Youth', though I have been assured that it was good mush. Oh whatever, enjoy._

* * *

...

Azkadellia did not approve of what she was doing at present, it was childish, silly and completely un-princess-like, because what she was doing at present was crouching outside the Lesser Ballroom where DG, Cain, and Jeb were awaiting her for an informal dance rehearsal. It was cowardly of her to be so hesitant to enter, she completely understood why the Tin Man had chosen Jeb for this whole 'Best Man' thing when DG decided to import some Otherside traditions and declared Az her 'Maid of Honour'. Cain was doing his level best to make sure the members of his family, future and present, got along with each other. She was well aware of this and actually thought it to be rather clever of the Tin Man. Unfortunately, there was a slight problem: young Jeb had spent nearly half his life, in essence, trying to kill her, and as far as Azkadellia could discover his opinion of her hadn't improved much since.

"What are you doing?" a curious voice inquired, causing the eldest princess to jump in surprise.

"Acting childish, silly and completely un-princess-like," Az muttered feeling even more foolish than before.

"Oh. May I join you?" Officer Gulch asked, squatting down beside her. "I generally try to act as un-princess-like as possible," he confided as he settled in.

Lips twitching, Azkadellia glanced at him from the corner of her eyes. She hadn't expected to see much of her Othersider today, he wasn't on duty, which these days meant he disappeared down to the smaller motorcar garage and attempted to convince a pile of twisted metal that it was actually a motorcycle, and yet here he was crouched in the hallway, smiling serenely as if this was something people did every day.

"So," the cop said, craning his neck to peer around the corner, "any particular reason you are skulking in the hallway when you are supposed to be in dance rehearsal?"

"Jeb doesn't like me," Az informed him, it felt even stupider giving her reasons out loud. What was she twelve?

"Did he say something to you?" Gulch demanded sharply, his head snapping back round to look at her.

"No," she said hastily, "nor did anyone else," she added as the cop turned a suspicious eye towards where Happy had been hovering anxiously ever since his charge had decided to go all cowardly lion on him. Happy, having been present at the bar fight, was One-Who-Knew-And-Thus-He-Wasn't-Telling, which was still decidedly aggravating. "It doesn't take an Alchemist to figure it out, the Sorceress' reign left him, for intents and purposes, an orphan and he grew up in the resistance army. They are not exactly my biggest supporters." Then, of course, there was the policeman's behaviour every time the three of them were in the same room, but she thought it best not to mention that.

Her Othersider rocked back on his heels, his lips tightening into a thin line as he contemplated the problem. "He doesn't know you," he stated at last then he stood abruptly, "but he will. Come on, Princess," Gulch murmured gently, holding out a hand, "let's go make nice with the big bad resistance fighter, I'll make sure he behaves himself. If not, I'd be more than happy to give him another lesson in manners."

"You know, Cain is in there," Azkadellia pointed out as she took his hand.

"Didn't stop me last time," he responded, pulling her to her feet, "though it does make it less likely that Jeb will misbehave."

"Cain wasn't at the bar."

"No, but I knew he'd enter the picture eventually, or at least I think I did," her Othersider replied with a smile, retaining his grip on her hand, "I may have been a little drunk at the time but I don't remember caring."

"A _little_ drunk," Az repeated archly.

"Just the barest smidgeon," he declared stoically, leading her into the ballroom.

The reaction to their arrival was pretty much as expected, DG immediately bounced over to greet them, Jeb stiffened up the moment he saw them – though that may have been as much on account of Gulch's presence as Azkadellia's – and Cain leaned against a nearby pillar, crossed his arms and watched carefully.

"Az, what took you so long?" Deeg asked as she dragged the eldest princess, and subsequently her chief bodyguard, forward. "Gulch, don't cause any trouble," the youngest princess hissed in a whisper before they'd made it halfway across the room.

"Me? Cause trouble?" he replied blandly, still being pulled along by Azkadellia's grip on his hand, "Boot's on the other foot, I am merely here to observe. _I'm_ not the troublemaker he...re...is that my stereo?" the cop demanded suddenly.

"You said you weren't going to cause trouble," DG fired back with a false pout, "besides it's easier than getting a troupe of musicians for an informal rehearsal and a phonograph won't play all the music I want. The Wizard's Waltz is so similar to Mozart that I'm sure that it originally was – bet you anything that the original Wizard of the O.Z. was a slipper. Anyhow, this way we get to have our rehearsal for the low, low price of a couple converted batteries."

"You let the headcase play with my stereo," the policeman stated flatly, "Those are my CDs, too, aren't they? Is there anything else that made it over from the Otherside that I don't know about?"

DG merely smiled cherubically.

"I am so raiding your room tonight," Gulch muttered.

The youngest princess laughed. "You should think about how that sounds first," she chortled.

The Othersider rolled his eyes. "Not even in either of our worst nightmares, DG," he responded humorously, and then he was face to face with Jeb and all the laughter left his expression.

The young lieutenant glared at the Royal Bodyguard who glared right back. Behind them Cain took a step away from the pillar but DG waved him off. "Be nice," Gulch rumbled sternly, then, giving Az's hand a little squeeze, he moved away to stand next to Happy, leaned against a pillar, crossed his arms and watched.

Momentarily forgetting the coming ordeal, Azkadellia giggled softly. She wondered if her Othersider realized how much he resembled the Tin Man at this moment.

"Alright," DG said, "since everyone in the O.Z., except Gulch, seems to know how to waltz, I thought we'd start with something a little different. Once you get the hang of if we can move on to the traditional stuff." That said, she pressed a button and music unlike any Az had heard before began to play.

"'The River'?" the cop queried, cocking his head to the side, "Interesting choice, I think 'Friends in Low Places' suits you better, though."

"Ha-ha, hilarious," Deeg sneered back, "It's something slow for them to learn on. I can teach Cain, and since you've already taught Az how to two-step she can teach Jeb."

It was a good plan in theory, the practice was another matter altogether. If someone had given a pair of broom handles arms and legs they couldn't have danced more stiffly than the former Sorceress and resistance fighter. Either Azkadellia was a poor teacher or Jeb was a terribly inept student – that or he enjoyed the excuse to tread all over the eldest princess' feet. Wincing away from a particularly painful misstep, she became aware of Gulch's presence at her elbow.

"Need help?" he asked with a hint of anger.

"Yes," Az jumped at the opportunity, "you teach him." And with a quick move on her part, the army lieutenant and the guard commander were suddenly standing with their faces inches apart, the hand that had been holding the princess' having been transferred to Gulch.

This position lasted for perhaps half a second before the men realized what had happened and leapt away from each other, spluttering furiously. Behind them the Tin Man was forced to catch the youngest princess as she collapsed with laughter at the looks on their faces. Like each other enough to hold hands they did not.

"How about I just show him," Gulch huffed, "See, like this, left foot forward, right half-step together, left, right, repeat," he instructed holding his hands as if holding an imaginary dance partner, "Okay, now I feel silly. DG can I borrow you for a moment?"

"You may have two, but if you step on my feet I'm having you executed," Deeg informed him as she skipped over.

"Do I look like an amateur? Hmmm," he paused as a new song came on, "'Bury the Hatchet' how apropos. Alright Your Highness, you watch DG's feet, Lieutenant, keep an eye on mine. The two-step is fairly simple." And with that he led the youngest princess in the dance Azkadellia had remembered fondly from that ball months ago.

"That is four steps," Jeb muttered beside her.

"That's what I told him," Az murmured back, "or at the very least three and a half."

"I don't care how many steps you think there are," Gulch grouched, having danced close enough to hear them, "it's called the two-step and if you ever learn to stop trouncing on your dance partner's feet you can mix it up a little." In demonstration, he set DG off laughing as he twirled her away from him and back again.

"You know," DG commented in surprise, "you're pretty good, how on earth was Ms. Beckley unable to teach you how to waltz? I know you had her, she's been teaching at the school since the dawn of time."

"I came down with a sudden indisposition during the dance unit, a severe case of Skipitis."

"Officer Gulch skipped class," Deeg gasped in overdone shock, "and the world didn't come to an end? How appalling, and you call yourself an officer of the law."

"She started us off with the square dancing, which, by the way, if you ever get the insanely evil idea of importing to the O.Z. I am throwing you off the Crack in the O.Z. Even the Tin Man won't be able to stop me," the cop told her firmly.

The youngest princess laughed merrily. "That would do it. Have no fear, the jive I liked, the polka I tolerated, but the square dance warrants a death penalty," she agreed wholeheartedly.

"Good to hear."

"Do you have any idea what they are talking about?" Jeb asked the eldest princess suddenly as they stood aside watching.

"Vaguely, but mostly no," Azkadellia replied, shrugging she continued, "It happens a lot when they get going, I'm thinking of putting together an Otherside dictionary for future reference."

"How did he get away with that anyhow?" the lieutenant demanded after another moment.

"With what?"

"Threatening to throw DG off the Crack, father has a tendency of shooting people who threaten DG," he replied, nodding to where Cain was standing leisurely to the side, smiling as he watched DG.

Az giggled, causing the young man to look at her in surprise. "The Tin Man is currently in a state Gulch calls Mellow Cain," she explained, "besides, he knows when he stops to think about it that Gulch would never hurt DG. It's that protective instinct thing they've both got going on, Cain's is just a little more focused." Glancing up when Jeb failed to answer, the eldest princess discovered it was he was busy looking at her in bewilderment, as if he'd just realized who he was talking to.

The resistance fighter turned Royal Army lieutenant stared at the former Sorceress for several minutes, his jaw working soundlessly as he endeavoured to find something to say. Finally he closed his mouth with a snap, bowed elegantly and asked, "May I have this dance?"

He still stepped on her feet, but at least this time he apologized.


	45. Jitters

_Disclaimer: IdonotownTinMan...nope, no matter how fast you say it, still sucks. Wanna own (and expand)._

_Author's Note: Quality Control informs me that the last few chapters lacked my usual flare. I didn't know I had flare, but I am not terribly surprised by the supposed lack since the last handful was written while I was sick and had an alarming tendency to turn to mush. This chapter, however, QC fired back to me for revision, as I was kinda expecting, and my sense of humour reasserted itself with the same vengeance that my immune system seems to have taken on whatever ailed me. So here you go people, a chapter with flare._

_PS May be some posting delays over the next week as I prepare to head back to civilization – the munchkins are being difficult and I don't know how much free time I'll have to deal with them._

* * *

...

Azkadellia had come to regret her little quip about the nails in the time since Cain and DG's betrothal announcement. Ahamo's first order of business after adjourning the council meeting had been to demand the Tin Man's relocation from the room adjoining DG's for the duration of the betrothal. Cain, being the honourable man that he was, only objected on the principle of his princess' safety. The Consort, interestingly enough, had a solution for this conundrum. Well aware that the Tin Man would not consider the youngest princess safe with an army of bodyguards sitting outside her room, Ahamo merely suggested that Officer Gulch and Wyatt Cain exchange rooms until the wedding. The Tin Man had found this arrangement to be acceptable; DG, Azkadellia and Gulch had objected vehemently.

Oddly enough, under the circumstances, Deeg was actually least vocal against the proposed switch. She did have a lot to say on the matter, true, a great deal, in fact, about how she was a big girl, self-reliant, responsible and able to take care of herself, but since her tone sounded more like 'curses, foiled' her arguments lost a lot of their weight and only made the Consort more determined. The bodyguard swap was on.

Az was greatly put out that after all the effort she went through to get her Othersider moved into the next room in the first place he was so easily removed a whole corridor away again. Not to mention her lively fear that one of these nights, whilst in the grips of a nightmare, she'd forget it wasn't her cop on the other side of the door, burst through and end up getting shot. Of course, that would require Cain to be in the room in the first place, which, as they got closer and closer to the wedding date, became increasingly unlikely. Azkadellia couldn't really blame the Tin Man for the fears that had him pacing outside DG's door in the dead of night despite his trust in Gulch. If she'd had her family and happiness snatched away from her the way Cain had she'd probably be as paranoid that something would happen to take away her second chance, too. Still, there was a point every night where the policeman got annoyed and sent the Tin Man back to bed so the danger remained. So far, however, Az's night's had remained nightmare free, so she hadn't gotten shot, but she had come to the conclusion that it was a good thing that DG and the Tin Man had waited to get married until the eldest princess had found another way besides her sister to deal with her nightmares or one night a very surprised Cain would have woken up to _two_ princesses in his bed.

In the end, though, it was Officer Gulch who put up the biggest fight. He was emphatic in his refusal to switch, arguing the entire time Cain moved into the cop's quarters and almost swearing when the Tin Man transferred the policeman's things into the room adjoining DG's. The Othersider continued to grumble long after the matter was settled, but it wasn't until a few days before the Heroes of the Eclipse Celebration that Azkadellia finally understood the reason for his protests. The entire palace residence and staff found out, as a matter of fact, because that particular morning everyone in Central City Palace awoke to the sound of an enraged bellow.

It was followed shortly thereafter by some high pitched, fast moving giggling, as a mischievous sprite raced past Azkadellia's apartments running full tilt. By the time Azkadellia and Cain were reaching for their respective doorknobs someone else had bulled past snarling nonsense invectives. Princess and Tin Man opened their doors as one but DG and Gulch had already turned the corner by that time and disappeared from view. Didn't really matter, though, they were making more than enough noise to make them easy to track. Cain, Azkadellia, and Bashful, her current on-duty guard, took off in pursuit.

Some distance ahead of their curious pursuers, DG hit the Grand Staircase at high speed. Opting for a chance at increased velocity, the youngest threw herself onto the banister and spiralled swiftly down into the Great Hall, neatly increasing her lead on the policeman. Gulch, meanwhile, chose to cut her off at the pass and attempted a shortcut via the banner that hung down the height of the stairway. It would have worked, too – his leap was good, and the material slid satisfactorily – if it weren't for the ornate table at the bottom. The sound of splintering wood echoed through the corridors accompanied by much discourse on fudge-nucking, as Officer Gulch fought his way free of the debris and DG made good on her escape.

By the time Az and the Tin Man were in the position to see the table remains for themselves, the cop was back on the youngest princess tail and the rest of the eldest princess' protection detail had caught up. Dawkins was fairly certain he'd been awarded a second birthday. Cain lead their growing hunt with all the skill of an Otherside bloodhound, it was not long before they caught sight of DG again, if only from a distance. The door to the Great Dining Hall had been thrown open, and through it they could see the youngest princess dancing about as she presumably used the Royal Table to keep the Othersider at bay. None of the pursuers could actually see Gulch, but _someone_ was threatening to wring the neck of the misbegotten troublemaking _bi...ddingbattingpaininthea...shphalt princess!_

"Come on Gulch," Deeg giggled back, "Can't we talk about this?"

Based on the incomprehensible howl that she got in response, the answer was no. Then the youngest princess shrieked in alarm and disappeared from view as she dived through one of the side doors. A loud clattering followed as the still unseen policeman lunged after her.

Azkadellia was beginning to get a bit worried as the rest hastened to catch up. While she was certain that Gulch wouldn't actually harm DG, the Tin Man wasn't currently in the mental state to consider that he knew this as well. Cain had been getting more and more wound up when his princess was out of sight as the wedding drew closer, he'd like nothing so much as to shoot some threat, any threat. It would be great stress relief. And her Othersider was currently acting decidedly threat-like. Az didn't want her Othersider to get shot. As more shrieks rang off the palace walls, echoed by nearly incomprehensible promises of dire retribution, Cain's face set in grim lines and he altered course to intercept. The eldest princess was right on his heels and the growing contingent of laughing guards was right on hers.

"What's going on? What's going on? What's going on? What's...ow," demanded Glitch as he joined the fray.

"Don...Don...DWATCHOO...Don't know," replied Sneezy breathlessly.

"But we will," Grumpy added almost...gleefully.

"There," rumbled Cain as his knowledge of the Palace layout allowed them to cut ahead of the fugitives.

DG came into view first, her face the picture of laughing alarm as she barrelled around the corner scarce two steps ahead of Gulch. Only the Tin Man saved Deeg from the pursuing wrath, as the second the cop cleared the corner, Cain hit him with a running tackle.

"No!" Azkadellia shouted in alarm as their combined momentum caused them fetch up painfully against the wall. DG collapsed, gasping for breath but still giggling uncontrollably. The guards rushed forward in case they were needed to break up the ensuing struggle. Glitch had a synaptic misfire and kept on running right on past the whole group, out an open door and into the morning sun.

Wyatt Cain burst out laughing.

Everyone froze.

"Princess," the Tin Man chortled, "I think you deserve what's coming to you." Then he left off pinning the policeman, allowing everyone their first real view of the cop that morning.

Officer Gulch lay on the floor dressed in his night clothes, his face flushed from anger and exertion, and his hair glowing bright neon pink.

Even DG, apparently, was prone to pre-wedding jitters.


	46. Pillow

_Disclaimer: I dassn't ownsit._

_Author's Note: I liiiiiiiive, unfortunately the chapter that was supposed precede this one does not. That's right, Quality Control killed it. I don't blame her, I was a willing accomplice. It now rests peacefully in my Story Graveyard – at least until I feel the need to rob the grave for any ideas that might have been buried with it. Do not mourn too deeply my friends; the chapter wasn't really worth it. I went after it with a club and I lost the battle. First story to be declared officially dead not just grounded but there it is, and now onward!_

* * *

...

Azkadellia was feeling warm, fuzzy and exceedingly comfortable. Her pillow was soft yet firm as it rose and fell rhythmically in time to the little breeze that stirred her hair ever so slightly. A reassuring weight was wrapped snugly across her back and around her waist and one of her hands clutched lightly on the smooth fabric covering her bed. She did wonder, in a nebulous way, when they'd started putting buttons on the bed sheets but the thought slipped away and was lost to the general feeling of bliss that exuded from her very being. The eldest princess could not be more content if she tried, because at that very moment Az was hovering in that delightfully peaceful place between waking and sleep where nothing really existed and worries couldn't find you. Attempting to snuggle further into her pillow, the drifting princess sighed happily and allowed herself to sink slowly back towards sleep.

"That," a voice whispered from somewhere nearby, "is positively _adorable_."

An equally quiet grunt answered.

"I wish I had a camera," the voice continued wistfully. Azkadellia wished DG could save her adventures in Otherside diction for later, she was disturbing the peace.

"Camera?" a man that could only be Wyatt Cain rumbled in response.

"Like a TDESPHTL only it captures single images that you can print out on a piece of paper for future viewing," Deeg explained absently. Az had no idea what the youngest princess was doing but she wished they'd go away.

"TDESPHTL," the Tin Man stated in an odd tone. There was a sudden rustle of movement and Azkadellia was fairly certain that someone was now of the receiving end of a hug.

"I bet I could get Ambrose to make be something similar to a camera," DG persisted so that Cain could pretend that he wasn't having an upsetting flashback, "then I'll be prepared next time..."

"No," the Tin Man interrupted sounding more like himself, "you are _not_ running around with something the headcase invented, especially not one based on a description of Otherside technology."

"Oh come on, Cain," his princess teased, "a camera should be easy for him. Besides, Ambrose assures me that if we could just keep Glitch out of the way, he can invent things just fine. He is still the smartest man in the O.Z."

"And about as lacking in common sense as a certain princess who seems to think swinging through the trees is an enjoyable night's entertainment."

"That _was_ fun," Deeg retorted merrily, "Lots of fun, you should have tried it instead of running around like a mother hen." The Tin Man's grumbled reply was too quiet for Azkadellia to hear, but it made her sister laugh. "Someday," DG giggled, "I am going to have to explain Tarzan to you. If Gulch hadn't been so busy trying to drink every munchkin in the O.Z. into submission he'd have been right up there with me, thrumming on his chest and oeeeoeeooing. Childhood fantasies are just too hard to resist."

Az had been allowing the deep breathing taking place somewhere near her ear to lull her gently deeper into sleep, but at the mention of the center of the universe she swam reluctantly back towards consciousness. The youngest princess' words had also seemed to have drawn the couple's attention somehow back to where the sleeping princess lay.

"Do you think he managed it?" DG asked quietly after a moment's silence.

"I don't know," Cain replied lightly, "I think I still saw some guildsmen staggering about by the bonfires."

Snorting, Deeg scoffed, "Not that, I doubt anyone really expected him to win the battle of the beer. Body mass may give him an edge one-on-one but the combined mass of the entire Eastern Guild is a bit much don't you think? Besides, that's not what I meant and you know it."

There was a pause as the Tin Man deliberated. "I don't know," he said at last, "the alcohol smoothed the way for a temporary cessation of hostilities, and at the very least he's made a start, which is more than any advisor can say about the last two years of diplomacy. I don't think anyone ever thought to try explaining in a rhyme before, it's not like they can't understand us without one."

"Understand, yes, listen, no, fortunately they don't seem to care how _bad_ the rhyme is. 'Princess Azkadee, no Sorceress she be'," the youngest princess quoted with a shudder in her voice, then she hummed contemplatively, "You know, it's a rather unnerving how _clever_ Gulch can be when he puts his mind to it."

Though she refused to open her eyes and abandon her dreamy state, Azkadellia could still see the way Cain's brows lifted when he replied, "I would not recommend a stupid man to be your sister's guard commander."

"Oh I know," DG told him hastily, "it's just, you know, well...it's _Gulch_."

"Which is precisely what makes him so dangerous," the Tin Man rumbled back in approval, "no one ever sees him coming, in fact," he added in amusement, "half the time neither does he."

"Yes, well I wish he'd put his mind towards noticing what's been going on right under his nose," Deeg commented in exasperation. There was another pause. "They look so _cute_ together, maybe if I had a camera..."

"No," Cain cut her off. He hesitated then stated, "You know we can't leave her there. The Heroes of the Eclipse Celebration moves onto Milltown early tomorrow and if anyone finds them like that the gossipmongers will have field day while the stuffy lords have fits."

"I know," the youngest princess sighed regretfully, "not to mention Ahamo would go berserk. I realize he's trying to make up for fifteen years of absence but he goes a bit overboard. Of course, given Gulch's profession dad probably would love about any excuse to go after him. He really doesn't like cops."

"That gonna be a problem?"

"Not likely, Az won't let it. Hey, do you figure she decided to use Gulch for a pillow before or after he passed out?"

"After," a new voice interjected grumpily, "Old Gulchy woulda tried ta get her back ta the tents otherwise."

"You the on-duty guard?" the Tin Man demanded.

"Yeah."

"Why didn't you get her back to the royal tent?"

The guard snorted, "Try it."

Cain grumbled something then Azkadellia felt a presence beside her as the Tin Man crouched down to pick her up. Before he'd so much as laid a hand on the princess, however, her pillow shifted beneath her and a sharp _snick_ broke the silence of the night. Everyone went absolutely still.

"Is he awake?" DG asked in an awed voice.

"No," Cain replied. He sounded...impressed.

"He is spending _way_ too much time around you," the disgruntled princess informed the Tin Man.

"No kiddin'," the guard agreed.

Cain ignored them. "Gulch, it's Cain. Leave off, I've got it covered," he murmured coaxingly. There was a momentary pause then something thudded to the ground nearby. "Okay then, Your Highness," the Tin Man continued, hooking an arm under her knees and around her shoulders, "let's get back to where you're supposed to be."

"Nrrrgh!" the semi-conscious princess protested grasping desperately at the fabric beneath her fingers as the Tin Man attempted to lift her. She didn't want to move, she was happy right where she was.

Deeg giggled as she reached out to pat her sister's hand. "You've got to let go, Az," she instructed, "you're currently a major hazard to Gulch's health and wellbeing. He'll still be here in the morning, but only if you don't give Ahamo an excuse to annihilate him."

The eldest princess reluctantly released her comfy pillow and allowed Cain to heft her up into his arms. They were nice enough arms, Azkadellia pondered dreamily, they were just the wrong ones. Why did everyone always have to go getting in the way?

"You going to be alright carrying her?" DG inquired from the immediate vicinity.

"I once hauled the both of you back through Central City," the Tin Man replied indignantly.

"Yeah, but you hadn't spent half the night running through the trees that time," the youngest princess retorted.

"No, just running through the streets while you threw rubbish at me," he rebutted, "Neither of you weigh enough to make a decent Papay snack, I'll be fine."

"Sure, whatever," DG conceded, "what about Gulch?"

"Hmmm?"

"He's dead drunk, I doubt he'd notice if a bear started nibbling on his toes."

"And yet he can pull a gun on nefarious persons trying to put his princess to bed," Cain pointed out lightly, "Let the Gillikin keep an eye on him."

"But," the guard protested.

"You want to carry him?" the Tin Man asked archly.

"No, but I'ma 'sposed ta guard the princess."

"Gulch is less likely to suck out your soul for letting Cain take over guard duty than Az is for letting her Othersider get eaten by a bear," the youngest princess pointed out.

"She doesn't do that no more," Grumpy averred staunchly.

"Wanna bet," the princess in question slurred sleepily. If they wouldn't let her stay with her perfectly serviceable pillow, the least they could make sure nothing ate him. "Now shaddup, I'm shleeping," she muttered, and having cowed noisy busybodies, she did precisely that.


	47. Boredom

_Disclaimer: This disclaimer shall be done in ASL, but since you can't actually see my hands move, I shall not worry too much about the fact that I know hardly any of the language. Best guess, Mr. Spock._

_Author's Note: Everyone gets so worried when I go a couple days without posting. I should warn you now, between my program, my volunteer work and the job I am going to have to get to pay for the schooling, it is likely that this might occur from time to time in the future. Don't panic, I'll be back. And you all know how stubborn I can be..._

* * *

...

Azkadellia was utterly and completely bored, which was a step up from earlier in the day when she'd been mind-numbingly and deathly bored. Leave it to a cyborg to make the events of the Quest for the Emerald sound about as interesting as Ambrose's theorem on moritanium particle behaviour. Father Vue had droned on in time the tick-tock of the clock, lulling his captive audience into a stupor from which there was no escape. Whichever advisor had planned this particular event would be well served if he died of boredom, the only relief the eldest princess had had was the brief glimpses she caught of her Othersider, sitting in the back of the hall, fast asleep. The look on Bashful's face when his commander had slumped over to rest on his shoulder was absolutely priceless, and then the rest of the off-duty guards had started to follow his example...Unfortunately, as the Royal Family had been situated in the very first row, Az could only catch the odd glimpse of her bodyguards – she'd had to at least _pretend_ she was paying attention.

Eventually, however, they were released back into the Realm, only to discover that it had decided to quite literally rain on their parade. Not that seemed to trouble the guests of honour overmuch: DG and Gulch gave the puddles decidedly contemplatively looks, and while Cain muttered something snide regarding farm kids, Az thought there was something wistful in his expression. Ambrose and Glitch immediately began fighting each other for control, while Jeb didn't even hesitate, he ran full tilt at the nearest puddle, and with military precision, splashed its water all over Gulch. He had about two seconds to laugh before he received a drenching of his own – Azkadellia naturally had no idea how the overhanging tree just _happened_ to drop all the water off its leaves at once. Nor did she giggle like an Otherside schoolgirl at the sly glance the policeman had given the tree and her before winking.

While the rain did help initially to break the monotony, it had also served to impose a new one. As some busybody advisor had made it his business to ban the Otherside cruiser from use in the festivities, the princesses were forced to travel together in a covered carriage as the Royal Procession made its dawdling way on to Central City. It was hot and stuffy in the carriage, and the only distraction the eldest princess had was the worry that her Othersider would catch something from riding around in the rain. Deeg assured her it was scientifically proven that rain doesn't make you sick, but still...

Leaning out the window she'd opened to get some air, DG huffed in aggravation and declared loudly, "I'm bored."

"Stop the carriage!" Gulch bellowed outside. There was a sudden thundering of hooves as the cop's horse tore away in the direction of the supply train, then he was back and ripping open the door. "Here," he announced gruffly, tossing Kansas onto the lap of the eldest princess and handing a thick book to the youngest.

"Problem?" Cain asked as he too appeared in the doorway, one hand on his gun as he scanned the surrounding area for threats.

"DG's bored."

"Eh?" the Tin Man grunted in surprise then his eyes trailed upwards towards the policeman's hairline. "Ah," Cain said, his lips twitching in barely concealed amusement, "Crisis averted?"

"Yes," Gulch replied, glaring at his nemesis, "isn't that right, DG?"

Deeg merely smiled innocently. The Othersider's hair no longer contained the slightest hint of pink but it had taken over an hour of intensive effort on Azkadellia's part to set him to rights, DG having claimed to have no idea how. Gulch still seemed to be holding a bit of a grudge, but as Az had spent that hour or so running her hands through the policeman's hair as she attempted to find the trick to the spell she was inclined to take a more lenient view. Perhaps next time Deeg should try blue...

"Let's move out," the Tin Man hollered outside as the cop closed the carriage door and they remounted.

Inside the carriage little Kansas tugged lightly on his owner's hair and chattered happily to get her attention. Apparently the infant mobat had been finding the trip exceedingly dull, too.

"Cute fuzzy animal and a textbook on American Sign Language, trust Gulch to give us something constructive to entertain us," DG said ruefully as she studied the book the cop had handed her.

It worked wonderfully, though. Not only was Kansas adorable, but also he gave the princesses incentive to apply themselves. The baby mobat's vocabulary was about on par with a human toddler, but it was apparent from the way he signed slowly and repetitively to the illiterate princesses and reacted to their many blunders with infinite patience that Kansas was learning far more from his preferred person than simply language.

"You truly do understand the words you're using don't you?" the youngest princess asked the little mobat in awe, "You know," she continued to Azkadellia, "I think these guys are smarter than most people give them credit for."

The former Sorceress gave her sister a look that on the Otherside would have clearly said _duh_. "I had them track down daddy with the simple command 'find the glow'," she informed DG.

"Not you, Az," Deeg said gently.

"Actually, I think I was in on that decision," Az replied with a wistful smile, "I wanted to see daddy again."

Whatever the youngest princess' response might have been, it was lost when Kansas, unhappy with no longer being the center of attention, tugged lightly on his owner's hair again and waved a little hand in front of his face, his fingers closing as they went then opening up again at the end.

"Do you know what that one means?" DG inquired of her sister, "He does it a lot when trying to get your attention."

"I think it's my name," Az replied as she signed for him to repeat the gesture. The infant mobat first corrected her 'pronunciation' of 'again' then he granted her request.

"No, don't think it is," Deeg replied slowly, flipping through the textbook, "I recognize that one from the Otherside, and I highly doubt anyone there has even heard of the name Azkadellia. He does seem to think it is your name, though," she added as Kansas made the gesture again as he attempted to communicate further with his owner. "Ah, here it is," the youngest princess crowed triumphantly then her mouth dropped open in shock.

"What?" the eldest princess asked.

DG looked up, her eyes dancing and lips twitching.

"Well, what does it mean?" Azkadellia demanded again as her sister grinned at her.

"Beautiful."


	48. Indecorous

_Disclaimer: Naaaaaaaaaaargh (translation: sleep deprived, do not own)_

_Author's Note: So it's been a while, sorry about that. I _was_ going to whip out Beauty and the Beast version 2 while Azkadellia sorted this chapter out but then Jorinda and Joringel hijacked the muse part way through. And _then_ when I went back to B&B it wanted to be stubborn...until it got going and then it decided it wanted to try and get long on me. So I've decided to throw that back into development until it decides whether it really is long or if it's just going blah blah blah on me. Then I was going to go to bed but Azkadellia ambushed me at four in the morning with completed chapter idea plus a shot of hyperactivity. No point trying to sleep when hyperactive so I might as well write a story. Any weirdness I blame on sleep deprivation but Quality Control passed it and I cleared all continuity checks (I may be sleepy but I know where my story has been). Something somethingsomething two-step...it makes absolute sense. It does. I'm going to bed._

_PS Almost forgot. Enough people mentioned the whole did Kansas learn to call Azkadellia 'beautiful' from Gulch thing that I thought I'd address it to all of you instead of each individually. I call it Gulch's subconscious jumping up and down yelling 'hey, hey you, hey stupid, look over her, hellooooo'. Yes, Kansas picked that up from Gulch but Gulch has no idea (as per usual) that he's doing it. I actually started laying the ground work for that one in 'Otherside Encounter' chapter 'Oblivious' (not that I knew at the time I was going to write this, it was just Gulch mental development mostly taking place in my mind, gotta love that gremlin of mine), koodos to Queen Isabella for picking up on that one. Now whatever else I was going to say has gotten lost in a haze of sleepiness so this time I really am going to bed. Night._

* * *

...

Azkadellia restrained herself from fidgeting as she watched DG open Officer Gulch's gift, she wished she hadn't given in to the nervous impulse to make him go first. There was no doubt that the Crown Princess was going to love the policeman's 'homemade' present, as had been quite apparent from her delighted amusement the second she's seen it's unique wrappings. Watching Deeg laugh as she pulled the Kevlar vest from the box and explain its significance to Cain, Az wondered how she could have thought that delaying until after the cop had given his gift would make things any better. Then the motorcycle keys fell out of the vest. DG froze an instant in recognition before her eyes shot up to meet Gulch's questioningly.

"It's in the smaller motorcar garage, purrs like a kitten and is buffed shiny to boot," the cop informed her.

DG squealed and launched herself at the cop, who braced himself for impact and managed not to get knocked on his butt. _Oh yes_, thought the eldest princess, _setting myself up to follow that was just a _brilliant _idea. And DG could get off him now._

As the youngest princess released the policeman, who instantly retreated to his charge's side, and said the ceremonial words of thanks, the eldest princess wondered how much of an uproar it would cause if she were to grab her Othersider's hand right now. They were only standing on an upraised dais in front of the entire Royal Court and a fair share of the citizenry, how scandalous would that be? Az winced to think then sighed. It was absurd of her to be so nervous, Deeg wasn't about mock her present in front of everyone – she may even like it – but Azkadellia had put so much time and effort into the gift that by this point she couldn't help but worry that her sister wouldn't like it. And then there was Cain...

The eldest princess was just considering doing something as indecorous as chewing on her lip from nerves when Gulch's shoulder bumped ever so gently with hers. Surprised, she looked up only to find him gazing vaguely in the direction of the engaged couple. For a moment she wondered if it had been an accident then his eyes flicked down briefly to glance at her, he smiled ever so slightly, and bumped her shoulder again. Az found that the nervous butterflies currently occupying her stomach had abruptly been re-tasked. By the time DG was ready to receive her next offering, Azkadellia was too busy trying not to grin like an idiot to worry about what the reaction would be. Well almost. Handing her sister and future brother-in-law identically wrapped packages, the eldest princess took a step back and held her breath.

Cain unwrapped his gift first, mostly because his princess insisted he do so. The Tin Man was evidently looking forward to the end of this particular part of the evening's celebration. As happy as he was to be marrying DG, Cain could not be said to be enjoying the spotlight, especially since some well-intentioned person had somehow managed to convince him to wear 'appropriate' attire. The Tin Man certainly did look dashing in what DG called a James Bond suit, but somehow it just didn't seem right. The thought calmed the eldest princess, allowing her to breathe once more, which was good because passing out in the middle of a public ceremony was decidedly un-princess-like.

"Is that a duster?" DG asked as Cain pulled the garment free of its wrappings.

"No," corrected Azkadellia, "it is a Royal Robe." Catching sight of Cain's brief smile of appreciation, Az felt relieved and more than a little smug. She couldn't blame DG for mistaking it for a duster since that is exactly what it was supposed to look like. It was only on closer examination that you realized that it wasn't your regular duster but was, in fact, made of the finest – and most durable – silk that the O.Z. could provide and had been embroidered, in the place of the Royal Crest, with a familiar tin star. "I figured," Az murmured mischievously, "that since Cain has to attend all the royal functions now he might as well be comfortable."

DG's eyes danced in appreciation, the Royal Lords and Advisors would have a fit, but neither princess cared. The youngest princess tore into her gift with renewed curiosity, only to still when her crest became visible.

"Do you like it?" her sister asked anxiously.

"Like it?" Deeg said in awe, "It's perfect." Pulling the 'robe' out of its wrapping to show Cain the crest of glowing, clasped hands, she continued, "It _shines_, how did you...is that _gold_?"

"I needed something to represent the light," Azkadellia explained, reaching forward to touch her work lightly, "and after how much effort it took to make tin thread I knew diamond wouldn't work."

The youngest princess' mouth dropped open. "Tin thread?" she asked faintly after a few tries, "Did _you_ embroider these?"

"Well yes," Az informed her, "I wanted to have some part in making them."

"You can embroider?"

The eldest princess nodded. "Mother taught me, before," she waved a hand to silently encompass her years of possession, "I managed to keep it up for a few years; convinced the witch that if she wanted to pretend she was me she had to embroider." Az grinned suddenly, "She _hated_ it. Never realized how relaxing I'd find it until I started practicing to do these."

DG laughed appreciatively. "You go girl," she said, moving forward to give her sister a hug, "And these are _perfect_. I got a duster," the youngest princess crowed with glee, scooping up the Royal Robe and putting it on. Oh yes, the lords and advisors were going to have fits.

"Something's missing," Glitch opined from where he stood off to the side.

Cain sighed, reached behind his chair, pulled out his fedora and plonked it on her head. "Better?" he inquired.

"Much," replied the headcase while the princess rocketed right past gleeful into absolutely ecstatic.

"_Awesome_," she breathed, tugging on the Tin Man's arm she commanded, "Stand up, there's something I've always wanted to try." As Cain stood, she grabbed a footstool and hopped up on it, thereby reversing their usual height difference.

"What are you doing?" asked her baffled Tin Man, "You are such a ki..." Cain cut off abruptly, his eyebrows shooting up as his princess shot him a smouldering look from under the fedora. Then his eyebrows dropped down again, along with his eyelids as it became apparent she wasn't angry with him.

"Oh God!" Ahamo exclaimed as DG leaned in, her head tilted just so. The Queen gave him a consoling pat on the hand.

Gulch, meanwhile, was hiding his face in one hand and laughing while Az was caught between amusement and horror as she uttered, "Deeg we're in the middle of a Royal Ceremony!"

It was obvious from the sudden tremendous awing from the audience that for the most part they didn't mind. The lords and advisors may have been against this marriage for political reasons but for the ladies, who had never had a chance of marrying into royalty, it was all about the romance. They didn't mind the display one bit. A very red-faced Cain soon broke it off, however, and the ceremony was allowed to proceed once more.

A few hours later, the gift-giving ceremony behind them, the engaged couple opened up the Central City Ball, the third event of the Heroes of the Eclipse Celebration, and were thereafter allowed to recede from the spotlight. Or rather they pretended it was no longer there as Cain twirled DG about the dance floor and shortly forgot that anyone else even existed. The Queen and Consort were also to be seen moving about the dance floor as they reminisced about days gone by and revelled in their daughter's happiness. Azkadellia, meanwhile, sat off to the side and cursed fate that Gulch had scheduled himself in as on-duty bodyguard for the ball of all events. Watching one of DG's erstwhile suitors try and summon the nerve to ask the eldest princess to dance and fail certainly didn't help her temper any either.

And then one of the court ladies had the nerve to come and ask the policeman to dance.

"I'm sorry," Gulch replied politely before the eldest princess could blast the courtier for the offence, "but I am currently on-duty, I'm afraid I have to decline."

Az found her mood brightening perceptively and she had a sneaking suspicion his had as well. Narrowing her eyes in speculation, the princess studied the cop closely. "You did that on purpose," she accused him.

"Hmmm?" he hummed innocently.

"Scheduled yourself to work the ball," she elucidated, "so you wouldn't have to dance."

"Can't dance, I'm on duty," he agreed, "Just worked out that way."

"No need to hide in the draperies if you're on duty," Az concurred.

"Exactly," he nodded then, after a few minutes thought, he asked with seeming reluctance, "You're not dancing?"

"Nobody has asked me."

Gulch frowned and glanced around. "Glitch...?" he queried.

"Ambrose," the eldest princess replied, gesturing to where the Royal Advisor stood amidst a cluster of lords and advisors having tedious political conversation.

The cop's frown deepened. "Shouldn't the Best Man and the Maid of Honour be dancing at least a few dances together?" he demanded, a bit of a glare in his look as he scanned the room once more.

"Jeb and I have a tacit agreement not to break my feet before the wedding," Azkadellia informed him hastily then shrugged, "The boy has two right feet."

"Eh?" her Othersider exclaimed in surprise, "Don't you mean two left feet?"

"No," Az replied, furrowing her brows, "Two right feet, it's an old O.Z. saying."

"Huh," the cop grunted before adding obscurely, "Go figure." Then he went back to scanning the room with a troubled air.

The eldest princess wanted to sigh in frustration; naturally the oblivious man _would_ overlook the most obvious solution. But then again, she considered, perhaps in this case it was duty rather than blindness that was the issue. The policeman had said that he couldn't dance because he was on duty. Az knew he took his duty seriously, which meant, she realized ruefully, that he could not be considered available as a dance partner. _Storms and caves, caves and storms, stormy caves...wait!_

"My body is going to be on the dance floor," she stated suddenly.

"Pardon?" Gulch asked in utter bewilderment.

"My body is going to be on the dance floor," Azkadellia repeated, "You're my bodyguard, so the best place for you to guard my body would be on the dance floor, too."

Gulch blinked.

The eldest princess strode purposefully out into the midst of the dancers.

Her Othersider followed. "Your sister is a bad influence," he informed her as she triumphantly tucked one hand in his and placed the other on his shoulder. "I don't waltz," he added as he placed a hand on her waist and realized just what he'd gotten himself into.

"You taught me to two-step," Az said reasonably, "I'll teach you to waltz."

Fifteen minutes later the eldest princess and her bodyguard were presenting the biggest hazard on the dance floor as they tripped over each other in their attempts to teach Gulch to waltz. "I thought," gasped the cop, catching them both as they stumbled once more, "that the point was _not_ to break your feet before the wedding."

"It was," she laughed, ignoring a couple of dowagers visibly scandalized by the indecorous dancing display, "How is it that you can two-step so easily and not be able to learn to waltz?"

"I learned to two-step years ago in a spacious gymnasium," he replied defensively, "It's too crowded here, tell you what, we'll dance the old failsafe until DG has them put something on I _can_ dance to."

"Failsafe?"

"Yeah. Start in regular dance position, now shift your weight back and forth from one foot to the other."

"That's _it_?"

"Well we can take little baby steps as well, maybe spin in a slow circle if you want," her Othersider replied with a crooked grin.

"This is a dance?" the eldest princess asked incredulously after another few moments.

"Sure, it's the teenage-boy-doesn't-know-how-to-dance-but-wants-to-dance-with-the-girl-so-he'll-just-shuffle-around dance, everyone on the Otherside knows this dance," Gulch informed her seriously.

Az watched him warily for a moment only to burst out laughing again his eyes began to dance in amusement. Across the room a political conversation came to an abrupt end as Glitch was so appalled at their complete lack of rhythm that he took control, grabbed a dance partner and set off to show them how it was done. Azkadellia didn't even notice, though, she was too busy enjoying her arrhythmic, indecorous, un-princess-like, the-boy-doesn't-know-how-to-dance-but-I-want-to-dance-so-I'll-just-shuffle-along-with-the-boy dance. It was a good dance.


	49. Fire

_Disclaimer: The Royal Guard and the Royal Army are mine, wanna fight about my not owning Tin Man?_

_Author's Note: So Quality Control has decided that if she were given the choice between a real life Tin Man and a real life Gulch she'd take Gulch for his mad cooking skills. I thought that this was a bit odd since both of us can cook just fine, but she has a point regarding his ability to create (or recreate) recipes. That and she quite approved of the pictures she found of the actor who played him. Watch out brother-in-law of mine, you are in danger of losing out to someone who is 99% a figment of my imagination. Eheheheh. On a side note, did any of you know how good Ahamo looks when he loses the mutton chops? QC and I were looking up pictures of all the actors last night and hello! You were right daughterofthe1king, the mutton chops must go. I'm not going to bother, mostly because I like to torture Ahamo, but man those things ugly him up._

_PS Expect some delays with the next chapter – is wedding, will be tough._

* * *

...

Azkadellia had decided that there was nothing in the Zone as wonderful as a blazing fire. Providing, of course, that said fire was contained and surrounded by warm-hearted people, friendly banter and companionable silences. Especially given that they were all in the midst of thawing themselves out in the aftermath of an epic snowball fight – truly it was epic, Happy was composing a song in its honour even as they spoke. Absolutely bonus was the fact that they were currently playing an Otherside game known as 'hooky' from the official royal function. Az felt a bit bad for Bashful, who'd been tasked with guarding the door, though his stammered explanations to the curious as to why the Royal Library was off limits were fairly amusing. Now if her Othersider could just hurry up and get back from his covert mission in the bowels of the kitchen everything would be just perfect.

The eldest princess was extremely surprised with how content she felt at that moment, when they'd first arrived at the Northern Island she'd been decidedly less than sanguine. She had some very bad memories of the place and the afternoon entertainment of tea, conversation and cards hadn't been providing her with any distraction as that had basically left her sitting off to the side watching in a manner far too reminiscent of the days before Officer Gulch had crash landed into her life. Something DG apparently had noticed as she'd soon appeared at Az's side with Cain and Gulch in tow and had suggested they get some air.

'Getting air' was no easy task given the frigid temperatures of the Northern Island, but once they were bundled up in layers of fabric and fur, the quartet, plus attendant guards, had braved the ice and snow in favour of escaping the refined tea party. While the cold might be unpleasant, there was a certain winter wonderland beauty to the place, which Azkadellia had been slowly overcoming her generally dread of the palace in order to appreciate when a giant snowball smacked solidly into the back of her Othersider's head, causing him to stumble forward. The cop didn't even pause for thought, merely scooped up a handful of snow and returned fire. The Tin Man, naturally, intercepted the snowy missile without hesitation. Everyone froze as Cain contemplated his captured snowball.

Then, to everyone's astonishment, he smirked and dumped it over the youngest princess' head. The fight snowballed from there.

The remainder of Azkadellia's protection detail appeared almost immediately, as they were wont to do when interesting times were afoot. Old Gulchy was under a severe siege for a while, despite his formidable princess ally, but as DG's protection detail arrived on the scene as soon as they could suit up, and were shortly followed by a great many of the Queen's, the Consort's and the palace off-duty guards, the eldest princess' guards were forced to broaden their focus. And then a fair portion of the Royal Army showed up...

Above in the palace, the windows filled as some lords and ladies looked out to sniff at the childish antics below while a great many of their contemporaries looked on wistfully. Glitch was out the door before anyone even noticed but the Consort was captured by his wife mid escape and forced to maintain a Royal Presence at the Royal Party. Raw Saw that a snowball fight wouldn't go well for him and instead went to get a fire going in the library, which was where the eldest princess found herself some hours later, surrounded by her sister, the Tin Man, a great many guards and even a few soldiers, Jeb included.

Az felt she'd done fairly well in the fight, all things considered. True, she'd been greatly helped by the fact that her protection detail was every bit as duty conscious as their commander, resulting in the on-duty Bashful taking a great many snowy bullets for her. But she'd managed to achieve a fair number of hits, even after she'd learned, via small accidental avalanche, not to mix magic with a snowball fight. At one point she'd fallen over laughing as Glitch and Ambrose apparently had identical evil ideas and ended up smacking themselves in the face with two handfuls of snow at the same time. Gulch had tripped over her shortly thereafter, causing a great deal of hysterically laughter as they'd untangled themselves and rejoined the battle. DG and Cain performed a similar blunder, though it took them a full fifteen minutes to re-emerge.

As the weary, cold and happy combatants made their way back to the castle, the youngest princess had uttered to the world in general, "You know what we need..."

"On it," Gulch had instantly responded, nabbing a few guards and going on ahead.

DG'd laughed merrily and spread the word so that not long after everyone had separated in search of dry clothing, the unofficial party reconvened in the Royal Library where a roaring fire beaconed cheerfully. Viewer friends were so convenient sometimes.

The sound of Bashful demanding a toll broke through Azkadellia's musings and heralded the arrival of her Othersider. The policeman was followed by Grumpy, Dawkins and Sneezy, all pushing serving carts laden with steaming mugs. The youngest princess crowed triumphantly and danced forward.

"Did you manage to go undetected?" she asked conspiratorially.

Gulch rolled his eyes. "Yes, thanks so much for hacking about twenty years off everyone's age and reducing us to a bunch of teenage boys performing a larder raid," he replied humorously.

"Twenty years?" DG shot back, "That makes me, what, two?"

"Sounds about right," the cop stated lightly, handing her a mug.

The Crown Princess, oh so maturely, stuck her tongue out at him. "Hot chocolate," she sang to herself then froze as she looked down at the contents of her mug, "Are those marshmallows?" DG asked in astonishment.

"More or less."

"Where in the Realm did you find marshmallows?" Deeg demanded.

"Trial and error mostly," the policeman replied, picking up a couple of mugs and bringing one over to the eldest princess, "The advantage of being a late night wanderer is that the kitchen is free of harpies and irate cooks if one feels like experimenting. The key is to leave the place exactly as you found it so they don't know any better. I've got the recipe pretty much figured," he added as DG examined the mug sceptically. Az couldn't blame her; the white gelatinous blobs currently melting in the mug of hot chocolate Gulch had handed her did look most strange.

The youngest princess took a careful sip and her eyebrows shot up in surprise. "Gulch," she asked in an awed tone, "did you by any chance refuse to cook for people on the Otherside because you were better at it than your mother?"

"Nonsense," the cop replied airily, "I couldn't possibly be a better cook than my mother. Now," he continued, pursing his lips as he contemplated his own mug, "if you were to ask me if I were better than Mrs. Spencer..."

DG laughed, "You say that now when you are safely a whole universe away."

"You think I'm suicidal enough to issue that challenge in her hearing? The woman could out stubborn Cain, she'd spend her life trying to prove me wrong. Trying," he added slyly, "but not succeeding."

"You are your mother's son," Deeg said with an amused shake of her head as the rest of the company got tired of waiting and swarmed forward to claim their drinks, "If the kitchen harpies ever try to cause you trouble again, let me know. I'll fix'em."

"No shaving anyone's head," Gulch told her sternly as he seated himself on the sofa beside Azkadellia.

"Wouldn't dream of it," the youngest princess replied innocently. Both the cop and the Tin Man snorted in disbelief.

"Hey Gulch," Dawkins called as the gathered guards and soldiers deposited themselves casually about the room and explored the strange Otherside addition to their beverage, "what was your life like on the Otherside?"

"Well," the Othersider replied slowly, "for the first twenty years or so it was calm, peaceful, maybe occasionally boring, then someone went and dropped an amnesiac, mischievous princess on a poor, unsuspecting small town that never did anything to deserve it..."

Smiling, Azkadellia sipped her hot chocolate, much improved by the addition of these 'marshmallows', and settled in for the coming session of Tales from the Otherside. Calculating her speed and angle of descent, Az managed to time it just right that by the time she was actually leaning against the cop he was too far into his story notice. Deeg's eyes twinkled as she glanced over from where she'd planted herself in Cain's lap but she didn't say anything, merely winked and waited her turn to spin a tale. Sighing happily, the eldest princess let the story wash over her. Fire, friends and fun, could anything be better than this?


	50. Ceremony

_Disclaimer: I know I've been away for a while so I thought I'd better remind you that I still don't own Tin Man. Alas._

_Autheor's Note: Muwhahahaha ha ha. I have taken the writer's block and kicked its butt (that or the chapter you are about to read sucks and I just don't know it). As I told daughterofthe1king, it's all about the Story Graveyard. You threaten to throw the stories in and Azkadellia wakes up screaming and beats it into submission. I would like to dedicate this chapter to those wonderful people who make the Tin Man fanvids 'cause that helped me get my muse back on target, and to Bookworm Gal for poking Azkadellia (she's a bit miffed at you because she was already awake at that point, but I appreciated the thought). Quality Control, meanwhile, can't wait until I get back to Gulch's point of view – he doesn't go mushy on us. __What? QC and I have low mush tolerance, if I wasn't constrained by the dictates of the characters (freaking Azkadellia) I would have stuck to torturing Gulch (wanted to – writer's block). _Seriously, some of these lines were literally painful to write. On that note: Mush Alert!

_PS I had one of those chapter splitting things happen so the real fun will be next chapter. Sigh._

* * *

...

Azkadellia took a moment to slip away from the bustling preparations and truly enjoy the radiant splendour that was the Papay fields in bloom. No decoration could rival the natural beauty of the abundant flowers nor had any been allowed to try. DG had made it quite clear that she wanted her wedding free of any unnecessary pomp, ceremony and gaudy ornamentation. When some lords and advisors had seemed inclined to object she'd merely informed the Papay that they may feel free to eat anyone attempting to countermand her orders. The gentle farmers may not hunt travellers anymore but they were all about protecting their recently restored orchards. They were more than happy to rattle a few spines and insert a few growls into the planning thereby ensuring the Crown Princess got her wish.

Their absolute refusal to allow any trees to be sacrificed for the sake of audience sightlines had also stipulated certain creativity in regards to the seating arrangements. Only a select gathering of family, friends and privileged guests would be able to see the ceremony directly, the rest would have to rely on the plethora of Viewer mirrors placed strategically about the groves. The number of people attending was phenomenal but the set up at least allowed DG the illusion of having an intimate family wedding rather than the public spectacle it actually was. Already the seats were filled with people of the Realm, from the highest of nobles to the lowest hobbledehoy, as the denizens of the O.Z. prepared to witness the marriage of two of their greatest heroes.

The aisle DG was shortly to walk took a meandering path through the trees, serving the dual purpose of symbolizing the journey on which the bride was about to embark and allowing the citizens of the O.Z. to get a first person view of their Crown Princess on her wedding day. Treble purpose if you considered it was also doing an excellent job of giving the on-duty guards a headache as they tried to secure the area without treading upon the petals and leaves paving the way. Az thought that was a nice touch, especially given it had been unintentional. The wind had apparently decided, according to DG, to be her flower girl, and now that it had settled down some, served to sweep petals gently through the sunny air in a manner that was downright magical. The best decorator in the O.Z. couldn't have done a better job.

Glancing up the aisle to the where the living alter, grown specifically for this purpose from a young tree, stood majestically, holding aloft the Book of Ceremonies, the eldest princess couldn't help but giggle. When the surprised Tin Man had asked how they'd managed that within the few weeks' notice they'd been given, the Papay had only glanced at the Viewers and made it understood that they were only glad Cain and DG hadn't kept them waiting until the tree was too big to serve. Apparently the Tin Man and youngest princess really were the only people in the O.Z. that hadn't realized their marriage was inevitable. The lords and advisors had made a fuss, true, but that was likely a symptom of denial.

Cain was already pacing restlessly in his place by the Diocesan of Light, antsy, anxious and nervous as all hell. DG had sprung an Otherside wedding tradition/superstition on him last evening just before they left the Northern Island that stipulated the groom not see the bride from that point on until the wedding ceremony. The Tin Man was not taking the enforced separation well, nor, for that matter, was Gulch, who'd naturally been stuck with the last minute protection detail. It was a wonder Cain had found time to get dressed for his own wedding, so busy was he double and triple checking the security measures in an effort to calm his nerves.

Officer Gulch, meanwhile, had ended up crashing on DG's sleeping pallet while the princesses got ready. His reasoning for why this must be so was completely logical, at least from his perspective: 1) he could not leave DG without betraying the trust of the Tin Man; 2) there were enough guards on hand to keep the princesses safe and give the cop time to respond in the event of an emergency; and 3) he'd been up for well over 36 hours straight and running on over a week's worth of short nights, if DG didn't want him to fall asleep and snore through her wedding she'd darned well better let him rest! Deeg had merely giggled in response and whispered in a snide aside to Az as the Othersider got settled that 1) Gulch was exhausted; 2) in this state he didn't care where he slept as long as he slept; and 3) DG's bed was the closest one available. Shaking her head, Azkadellia had merely considered that the Tin Man would likely prefer the cop snore through the ceremony than sleep in Deeg's bed but DG was definitely in preference of this option. Given the circumstances, the bride would in all probability win the battle so the eldest princess let her guard commander be. Besides, he needed to be well rested for the reception that was to follow, there were dances to be danced.

DG and Azkadellia's preparations went fairly smoothly, with the exception of a minor battle between an imaginative hair stylist and the youngest princess. Fortunately all that was needed was the proper application of a Royal Bodyguard – today's model was Happy – and the matter was quickly resolved. Jeb showed up early in the afternoon to relieve Gulch (or, as it turned out, kick him out of bed) so that the cop could go get dressed in his 'monkey suit', which Deeg assured Az did not look as it sounded. And then, suddenly, it was time.

The eldest princess clutched nervously at the young lieutenant's arm as he escorted her down the aisle. She felt distantly silly to be so worked up about her insignificant, add-on role in her sister's big day, but walking amongst a crowd that contained so many people who were likely _not_ her well-wishers made her feel positively surrounded. Azkadellia had never thought she'd find Jeb's presence comforting, but seeing as Gulch and Jeb had had one of those inexplicable guy moments where no one says anything and all of a sudden bygones are bygones, he'd somehow become something of a lifeline by proxy, for today at least. Now if everyone would just cooperate and not spoil Deeg's special day all would be well.

Taking her place to the side of the alter, Az turned to see a luminescent gypsy gliding up the aisle on the arms of both her fathers. Azkadellia had never actually seen a gypsy, but she was sure in that moment that they must be beautiful. The youngest princess' airy white dress and tamed yet wild curly hairdo seemed to give her a grace the generally rambunctious DG tended to lack. The entire look, the proud big sister thought, was matched perfectly with Cain, who'd decided to infuriate the advisors once more by ditching his original formal outfit for the Royal Robes his soon to be sister-in-law had given him. In the eldest princess' humble opinion, nothing could have suited them more.

Cain, meanwhile, had gone absolutely still the moment DG had appeared through the trees amongst the falling petals. As DG's fathers moved to hand their daughter over to her Tin Man, he reached up with jerky motions to remove his fedora and thrust it into his son's hands before reaching out to take his princess' tiny hands in one of his own big ones. In that moment Cain looked more at peace then Azkadellia had ever seen him, as if, for that instant at least, life had suddenly undone all the hurt it had ever caused the Tin Man. Az couldn't be happier for him, she just hoped he'd remember to breathe soon, couldn't have him passing out now.

As the Diocesan of Light began the age old marriage ceremony of the Outer Zone, the eldest princess allowed her eyes to wander briefly in search of her own source of peace. Officer Gulch had managed, by invoking his supposed 'Otherside Ambassador' status in conjunction with DG declaring him to be 'practically family', to get a seat within the first few rows. Catching sight of him where he sat with his little mobat on his shoulder, Az had to give herself a few reminders regarding breathing as well. If that was what Othersiders meant by monkey suit then she heartily approved, and was Kansas wearing a bowtie? That was positively _adorable_. Then the cop noticed her scrutiny and gave the infant mobat a subtle nudge, causing Kansas to wave at her excitedly. _Soon_, Azkadellia promised herself as she forced her attention back to the proceedings, _soon I am going to boot the 'practically' off the 'family'._

Setting her thoughts aside for the moment, Az watched as the diocesan wrapped a cord of braided blue silk, entwined with tin wire and studded with tiny, shimmering diamonds around DG and Cain's clasped left hands. A symbol of the tangible bonds of their union, the cord was unique to each couple, each element specifically chosen to represent bride, groom, and the commonalities between them. The Diocesan of Light continued in his chant of what DG called the general wedding theme: these two people come to join their fates, from here on out you face life's challenges together, take care of each other would you. Then as the ritual reached its end, the light of the setting suns glinted off the cord and in a sudden flash of light the silken rope vanished from sight, thereby symbolizing the intangible bonds of matrimony. Azkadellia smiled, the ceremony couldn't have been more perfect.

DG, apparently, didn't agree. "You forgot to tell him he could kiss the bride," she stated, glaring at the Diocesan of Light.

The eldest princess found herself suddenly re-evaluating her previous thought, Deeg had a valid point. In fact, she wondered why that had never been added to the ceremony before; someone really ought to remedy this oversight.

"Tell him to kiss the bride," the youngest princess demanded as the man simply stared at her. "Oh forget it," she continued turning to the Tin Man, "you may kiss the bride."

Cain was much quicker on the uptake than the diocesan. The entire female contingent of the audience (and a fair few of the men, not that they would admit it) gushed as the Tin Man swept the Crown Princess into his arms for their first kiss as husband and wife. Then DG click attacked him.

"These," Deeg informed the surprised Cain, holding up their cuffed wrists, "are not coming off until I say so." Then she smiled.

Ahamo let out a distressed choking sound, drawing his eldest daughter's eye. The Consort sat frozen in his seat, his expression mildly horrified with what appeared to be a slight tic developing in his right eye. Az wasn't sure, but she figured it was the handcuffs that bothered him, that or the fact that Deeg had gone back for another, in depth round of 'you may kiss the bride'. The Queen, meanwhile, was decidedly teary-eyed while beyond them Officer Gulch rolled his eyes with an expression that seemed to indicate he wouldn't mind if they got on with things.

Come to think of it, the eldest princess considered, _she'd_ very much like it they could move on to the reception, there were dances to be danced and bastions of obliviousness to lay siege to. The only problem was that Cain and DG seemed to have forgotten anyone else existed. She could try reminding them but Az wasn't entirely certain that would be healthy. When the Diocesan of Light pointedly cleared his throat only to have the Tin Man pull a gun on him, Azkadellia was sure of it.

"Exit Mellow Cain, stage right," Gulch muttered, appearing suddenly at her side, "enter Interrupting-Is-An-Offense-Punishable-By-Death Cain stage left. You do realize," he continued in a louder voice, "that you two are making out in front of well over half the citizens of the O.Z. don't you?"

The newly wedded pair broke apart immediately, both blushing furiously but smiling happily regardless. _Storms_, the Tin Man was _grinning_. Az was so adding the kissing thing to her wedding ceremony.


	51. Reception

_Disclaimer: I own neither Tin Man nor the Godfather (which I've never seen but which gets quoted enough that I can, too – though Ahamo probably shouldn't)._

_Author's Note: Sorry again for the delay, there was this hockey game...don't look at me like that, anything vs a hockey game (that I'm playing anyhow) and the anything loses. And then Quality Control distracted me (don't deny it QC, you knew what would happen when you told me about that show). School certainly wasn't being helpful, and as this is one of the longest chapters I've ever written it took for-ev-er. I need sleep. I hope you enjoy._

_

* * *

_

...

Azkadellia listened with resignation as the opening chords of the Wizard's Waltz drifted through the trees and braced herself for what was to come.

"Sorry," Jeb muttered, apologizing in advance.

"Not your fault," she murmured back as she watched Cain lead DG out onto the Royal Dance Field, "Glitch figures you lack the gene that lets the rhythm of your soul manifest."

The young lieutenant grimaced slightly, "Mother's fault then, Father says she was utter devastation on the dance floor, must have inherited it from her."

Az hummed noncommittally. The Queen and Consort had just joined the newlyweds in opening the reception ball which meant it was time to start thinking happy thoughts. Jeb grimaced again as he followed her gaze. "Time to walk the Papay fields?" he asked.

The eldest princess sighed, nodded, squared her shoulders and pasted on her best regal smile as she allowed Lieutenant Jeb Cain to lead her in the best approximation of a dance that he was capable of. It took precisely three steps for him to tread on her foot.

"Sorry."

Azkadellia reflected how clever it had been for her to select the stiffest, sturdiest pair of dress shoes she could find to wear that night. She had to dance at least two dances with the clod-footed lieutenant, she wasn't sure her feet would survive. Four steps later Jeb's foot came down on the hem of her gown, causing both of them to stumble as he desperately tried to correct himself before he tore it.

"Sorry."

Az mentally calculated how many minutes it would be before she was free to seek a more accomplished dance partner than Jeb, namely Gulch, though as Cain's son accidentally booted her in the shin she reasoned that pretty much anyone else would do.

"Sorry."

_Happy thoughts, think happy thoughts_, the eldest princess told herself firmly, glancing over the lieutenant's shoulder in search of her happy thought. Officer Gulch was standing beneath one of the nearby trees with the little mobat still perched on his shoulder. Her Othersider was watching them narrowly, from habit more than any real suspicion of Jeb's doing anything untoward, wincing ever so slightly every time Jeb made a painful misstep while Kansas had clapped his tiny hands over his eyes as if to shield himself from some horrific sight. Noticing her scrutiny, the cop met her eyes before widening his own as if to convey some message and shuffled his feet. Az stared at him in incomprehension. Rolling his eyes, the policeman took a dancer's pose and shuffled his feet again. _Oh, how stupid of me. Ouch,_ she thought as she figured out what he was trying to say just as Jeb stepped on her foot again.

"Sorry."

Straightening from the latest mishap, Azkadellia surveyed her surroundings. Slowly, ever so slowly couples were beginning to join the dance. Biding her time, enduring two more shin kicks and another near miss with the dress, the eldest princess waited for the field to get full enough that they were no longer a focus of attention. Jeb stepped on her foot again.

"Stop!" she commanded.

"Sorry," he apologized miserably.

"It's fine," Az replied waving a hand, "New plan. I'm going to teach you the can't-dance-but-some-idiot-is-making-me-anyhow-so-I'll-just-shuffle-my-feet-dance. Hold still. Okay, now shift your weight from side to side in small munchkin steps."

"That's it?"

"We could spin in a slow circle if you want."

"Let's just keep it simple shall we," the lieutenant stated anxiously, causing her to giggle. A few minutes later he opined, "I _like_ this dance."

"It is a good dance," the eldest princess replied solemnly.

"Good thing we aren't the main attraction," he continued after another moment's silence, nodding in the direction of the newlyweds, who were currently dancing in a little pocket of space created just for them. Not that they noticed.

Furrowing her brows, Az decided to ask something she'd been curious about for some time now. "Does that bother you at all?" she queried with a significant glance at Cain and DG.

Jeb went a little red. "No, yes, no," he muttered brokenly, "Not really, he thought we were dead...we thought he was dead...Mother had...and DG is...and mumblemumble his choice mumble.""

"So you are okay with my sister as your new step-mother?" Azkadellia inquired, trying to get an actual answer out of the flustered boy.

The lieutenant's face went deep crimson as he let out a choked gargle in reply.

Az was glad that the first dance came to an end just then; it allowed the boy a distraction before he damaged something trying to think so hard. Apparently he'd inherited his father's inability to express emotion easily, too. Across the field DG was reluctantly unlocking Cain's handcuffs as Ahamo came forward to claim his much demanded father-daughter dance while the Tin Man extended a hand to the Queen in exchange. Jeb and Azkadellia were slotted to dance with each other for this dance as well, that is if she could get the lieutenant's mental processes functioning again. She was just casting about for something innocuous to say when her attention was distracted by a lady entering near proximity to her Othersider. Narrowing her eyes, the eldest princess recognized the lady as one of the Winky embassy, in fact the very one that had once made eyes at the guard commander during the princess' birthday celebration. Az had thought she'd made herself clear on that particular occasion; some people just didn't seem to take a hint.

"I'm fine!" Jeb blurted suddenly, startling her into losing focus on the encroacher.

It took Azkadellia a full minute to remember what he was talking about. "Oh, that's good," she replied absently, her eyes tracking the trespasser through the crowd as the Winky managed to drag the reluctant cop out onto the field. Az was alarmed to realize that Gulch was neither on-duty nor had any draperies to hide in, he was completely vulnerable to the attentions of the women of the O.Z. Kansas did seem to be making things difficult for the lady, however, fluttering his wings in her face and attacking the hand that was endeavouring to rest on his person's shoulder. A few moments later the policeman was forced to bow politely out of the dance before walking back to his tree, his hands waving about as he gave the little mobat a stern lecture regarding manners. Kansas was getting some treats later, the eldest princess decided.

When the dance finally ended a few minutes later, Az practically dragged the poor lieutenant in the policeman's direction only to be cut off by the Consort.

"Az, dear, humour your old man with a dance," the smiling Ahamo requested, bringing his daughter to a grudging halt as he added in a strange, scratchy voice, "on this the day of your sister's wedding."

Naturally, Azkadellia merely blinked at him in bewilderment before shrugging off his strange mannerisms. Glancing over her father's shoulder, the eldest princess noted that that storm-ridden Winky had decided to strike up a conversation with the cop in lieu of dancing. Far as Az could tell, they were talking about Kansas, now that was just plan low. _Well_, Azkadellia thought viciously, _if she wants to fight dirty..._ "Jeb, go waltz with that Winky ambassador," the eldest princess commanded regally, shoving Lieutenant Cain in the lady's direction.

"What? _Waltz_, but..." Jeb sputtered in surprise.

"Yes waltz, you heard me," she growled as the woman dare lay a hand on her Othersider's arm, "Royal Decree, _go,_" she glared as the lieutenant hesitated.

Jeb backed away hastily. "I'm going; I'm going," he muttered, "Storms, what the poor woman ever do to you?"

Ahamo, not having had the angle to see what his daughter was fussing about, glanced around in puzzlement, only to have her grab his arm and declare cheerfully, "Yes, Daddy, I'd love to dance."

Across the dance field a Winky ambassador was suffering the torture of a thousand missteps as the loyal Royal Army soldier followed the dictates of the Crown and obediently waltzed all over her feet. Officer Gulch, meanwhile, was appropriated by the Queen, who'd been bereft of a partner. As neither Kansas nor Azkadellia found this to be any threat, the cop was free to introduce the reigning monarch to the dance her daughter had decided to call the Otherside Shuffle for brevity's sake. At this rate it was going to become the latest dance fashion.

While she truly did enjoy her dance with daddy, no sooner did the song end than Az was making her determined way through the crowd towards Gulch again. Too bad she was intercepted. It seemed that some of DG's erstwhile suitors had finally inserted enough moritanium into their backbones to ask the former Sorceress to dance. _Damn, damn, damn, damn, damndamndamn._ The Royal Princess of the O.Z. was too refined to be so rude as to decline a polite invitation out of hand, so instead she accepted and tried again at the end of the next song...with the same result. An hour later, the eldest princess still hadn't gotten anywhere near her Othersider and she was beginning to feel the disadvantages of her stiff shoes. They'd protected her from Jeb and other clod-footed dancers, true, but now they were beginning to pinch.

Making another bid to reach the policeman, Azkadellia was disheartened to see yet another young noble cutting off her path...then the Royal Musicians started playing a song unlike any most people in the O.Z. had ever heard before. Taking advantage of the young lord's confused hesitation, the eldest princess slipped sideways through the crowd and finally managed to reach her target where he stood beneath the trees.

"'Fishin' in the Dark'," the cop was saying blankly as his charge limped up, "she got an _orchestra_ to play 'Fishin' in the Dark'."

"And we are dancing to it," Az informed him, grabbing his hand and tugging him towards the dance field.

"Eh?" Gulch said in surprise, trying not to spill the drink he'd been holding.

The eldest princess gritted her teeth out of pure frustration, "We. Are. Dancing."

"Oh, alright then, lose the shoes," he replied urbanely, setting his drink aside.

"Pardon?" Azkadellia demanded, stopping in shock.

"You're limping, lose the shoes," the cop replied reasonably.

"I can't 'lose the shoes'," she responded aghast, "a princess doesn't just traipse about barefoot at a formal function..."

"DG is," he pointed out, nodding to where the Crown Princess was dancing merrily with her Tin Man, her shoes very much in absence. Somehow the barefoot look complimented her outfit even more than the expensive sandals had.

"...and I can't just abandon my shoes," the eldest princess rebutted, "they have rubies sewn into them."

"Which is kinda daft if you ask me," Gulch muttered, "Here," he said, and Azkadellia suddenly found herself relocated to a nice seat on the counter of the open bar – she should have known he'd find it – and giddily wondered how she'd got there. The dignified princess, naturally, neither giggled nor blushed as her guard commander gently removed her shoes and handed them to Happy. "I am putting you in charge of guarding Her Highness' shoes," he informed the guard.

Happy, who'd been hovering in true on-duty protection detail style, replied solemnly, "I shall guard them with my life," and took the shoes. He even managed to control his twitching lip for the most part.

"Shall we?" inquired Gulch as he helped the eldest princess down from the counter.

"We shall," she responded with dignity. Az had to admit that the cool grass against her poor abused feet felt absolutely wonderful. "You know," she said as they began to glide across the dance field, "it is considered improper for me to be without my shoes. The sticklers of etiquette may protest." Given that hardly anyone in the O.Z. knew how to dance to this music, the eldest princess was well aware that she was once again a bit of a spectacle.

"I can always shoot anyone that makes an issue of it," her Othersider said mildly.

Azkadellia choked, "You can't shoot them."

"True," the cop replied regretfully, "I didn't bring my gun; I suppose I could always hit'em." As the eldest princess giggled, he continued lightly, "Or I could stop channelling the Tin Man for five minutes and just arrest them for slander or something."

"You don't have the authority to arrest people in the O.Z.," she pointed out.

"Really?" the policeman gasped in feigned shock, "Why didn't anybody ever tell me? I'm sure I'll be quite appropriately sorry about it when I find out in the morning."

Az laughed outright. "That," she stated, "is uncharacteristically devious of you."

"Well I had a lot of time to think about while Jeb and the rest of the clodhoppers were trouncing all over your toes," her Othersider responded absently, just as Kansas, who'd been riding quietly on his shoulder up to that point, apparently got tired of being ignored and chattered emphatically for attention. Gulch tilted his head sideways to nudge the little mobat while Azkadellia lifted the hand that had been rested on the cop's shoulder to scratch Kansas' chin, the infant was appeased.

Azkadellia would have been quite happy if they would keep playing this song for the rest of the night; unfortunately after a few too short minutes the orchestra brought it to an end. Happily, when they started up the next song it was obviously another of Otherside origin, meaning she didn't have to fear outside interference after all...

"Mind if we cut in?" a voice inquired politely. _Damn, damn, damn, damn, damndamndamn,_ the eldest princess growled internally as she glared up at the Tin Man and his grinning bride.

"Sorry," Cain added as Deeg dragged the policeman away, "my wife wanted a chance to torture her old Menace."

"And what she wants she gets," Az grumbled half-heartedly.

"Usually my wife does," he agreed wryly.

"You just love calling her that don't you?" she queried pointedly.

"Hmmm?"

"Your wife, you love calling Deeg your wife," Azkadellia clarified only to have the Tin Man grin at her in response. _That is going to take_ _some getting used to_, she thought dazedly. Recovering, she noted that Cain was gazing over her shoulder, an absent smile still lingering on his lips. Craning around to see what had caught his attention, she discovered Gulch and DG were in the midst of a battle of quick feet as they each endeavoured to stomp on each other's foot on purpose. Kansas was clinging to the cop's shoulder for dear life, letting out little screeches of enthusiasm all the while. Was Deeg _ever_ going to learn the meaning of decorum?

"So juvenile," the eldest princess sniffed, "who do you think will win?"

"DG," the Tin Man replied promptly, "Gulch is handicapped by her lack of shoes, he has to be careful about how much force he uses and speed gets sacrificed as a result."

Sure enough, not a moment later the Crown Princess proved her new husband right as she managed to bring most of her weight down on the cop's instep. Gulch yelped something about bumblebees and spun DG away from him while he recovered his balance. When he twirled her back towards him, however, his foot darted forward to come down lightly on the youngest princess toes in return. Deeg shrieked with laughter as Kansas cheered wildly and the two settled back into a proper two-step once more.

"You going to let him get away with that?" Azkadellia joked.

"They're family," Cain shrugged.

Az blinked at him.

Studying her expression, the Tin Man elaborated, "Neither of them had much family on the Otherside, Gulch lost his, I think they kind of adopted each other, whether they realized it or not."

Biting her lip in thought, Azkadellia looked back to where the Othersider raised dancers were twirling merrily about – actually it looked like they were trying to make each other dizzy. Having lost his family once, Cain would know something of making one out of the people around you. And while the Tin Man had actually gained some of his family back, Gulch had actually lost his all over again. The eldest princess' brow furrowed as she wondered it had been like for the policeman when DG had abruptly vanished from the Otherside. Someone really needed to get busy creating more family for the policeman, his was too small. Well, she could think of a willing candidate.

Glancing back up at the Tin Man, Az discovered his eyes had darkened as he looked off into the distance, clear indication that the past had managed to ambush him. "You know," she said, casting about for something to say, "etiquette dictates that you are to pay attention to your dance partner."

Cain started then smiled slightly in response, "Othersiders have this interesting saying about pots and kettles..."

"I wanted to dance with Gulch," Azkadellia rebutted petulantly, "but everyone keeps interfering."

"My apologies," he replied with just the slightest lip twitch.

"Oh well, I suppose you'll do," she conceded with a longsuffering sigh.

"Much obliged," Cain noted dryly as he spun them over to the other dancing couple just as the song came to an end. "Mind if we cut in?" he inquired.

"Gladly," Gulch replied, almost throwing DG at the Tin Man. Both princesses laughed as they were reunited with their preferred dance partners while around them various couples tentatively joined them on the dance field and endeavoured to teach themselves the two-step. For Az, this happy state of affairs lasted for precisely three dances, and then some impertinent person dared convince the Royal Musicians to switch back to the traditional waltzes.

"May I cut in? May I cut in? May I cut in? May I cut in? May I _ow_! Well, may I?" Glitch asked, appearing at their side. Officer Gulch graciously gave the headcase the eldest princess' hand while Azkadellia weighed the fact that she actually liked dancing with Glitch against the crime of yet _another_ person coming between her and the cop. She decided she'd withhold judgement until she knew how much effort it took to get _back_ to Gulch...and how many women tried to dance with him in the meantime. Fortunately some of the other off-duty guards seemed to have pulled him aside to toast the newlywed's health, wait, was that a good thing?

As if sensing her inner turmoil, Glitch explained reasonably, "Gulch doesn't know how to waltz."

"There's always the Otherside Shuffle," the unappeased princess responded.

The Royal Advisor looked pained. "Please, doll," he pleaded, "that doesn't have _any_ rhythm."

Az was pretty sure right then that she was going to come down on the side of a guilty verdict. Half an hour later, having been forced to reclaim her shoes as suitor after suitor requested a dance with many a bad dancer in the lot, Azkadellia was certain of it. In fact, she was very much of a mind to ask her new brother-in-law to disappear the zipperhead to wherever he'd been disappeared to last time. It just wasn't fair, she wanted to dance with _Gulch_ and now _he'd_ disappeared. He could be off drinking himself into a stupor, or worse, the Winky or some other impertinent lady might have snared him into a dance – there were enough people here that one could spend the whole time on the dance field without so much as glimpsing half the people on it – or he could...

"Excuse me," Happy interjected formerly, forestalling yet another would-be suitor's attempt to dance with the eldest princess, "but Commander Gulch was concerned that Her Highness might be in need of refreshment and requested that I bring her to the dining area."

...or he could be off arranging her rescue. The young lord tried to protest but as the princess grabbed her bodyguard's arm with glee and declared herself delighted with the idea there was nothing he could really say. And since Happy managed to steer her away swiftly enough that the noble didn't have time to request to join them, Azkadellia chose to ignore the face the guard made at the vanquished lord as they walked away.

The dining area was set up in one of the larger clearings in the Papay fields. Several banquet tables surrounded the well lit seating area so that famished wedding guest could refresh themselves before venturing forth to dance and mingle once more. The tables were almost overflowing with citizens and booby-trapped, in Azkadellia's opinion, with nobles just waiting to pounce on any royalty that chose to make an easy target of themselves by sitting down. Fortunately, her loyal Othersider seemed to have considered this. Gulch and a contingent of off-duty guards commandeered for the purpose had dragged several tables off into the trees to create a private dining area guarded by willing off-duty soldiers and only open to those they chose to admit.

"Welcome to the VIP lounge, Your Highness," Sneezy greeted her cheerfully, "May I take your shoes?"

Laughing, Azkadellia kicked off her shoes gratefully. "VIP?" she inquired.

"Very Important People," he replied scooping up the expensive footwear.

The eldest princess surveyed the gathered company and giggled. She wondered what the O.Z. nobility would think of a gathering of guards, soldiers and assorted wives and girlfriends being considered VIP over them. Most of the various protection details were in attendance, along with Jeb's Royal Army unit. "Where's Dawkins?" she asked in mild surprise, it wasn't like the guard to miss potentially entertaining events.

"Said something about a drunken lord and scurried off looking like the cat that got the cream," Gulch replied, appearing at her side, "Winky wine?"

"I don't drink," the astonished Az reminded him.

"Oh, I know," the policeman told her with a grin, "I just wanted to say Winky wine."

Eyes narrowing suspiciously, Azkadellia demanded, "How many have you had?"

"Winky wines? This is my first," the cop informed her.

The eldest princess had actually meant drinks. Catching Bashful's eye, she lifted an eyebrow to silently repeat the question. The guard held up nine fingers, then, as his commander tossed off the glass of wine, added a tenth. Azkadellia frowned and glared at her Othersider as he reached for the bottle to refill the glass. Gulch put the bottle back down and went for a glass of juice instead.

"Where's Kansas?" Az asked him.

"Found a babysitter," the policeman grunted back, jerking a thumb over his shoulder to where a delighted Kansas, wings stretched as if for flight, flung himself out of a tree into the waiting Kalm's arms. Mobat and Viewer whooped for a minute as if Kansas had actually achieved flight then Kalm solemnly set him back into the branches again for another attempt. Just a few meters distance, Az noted, a pint sized Papay pup took tentative steps in their direction, as if fascinated with the play yet shy about approaching. A couple of adult Papay, presumably the pup's parents, seemed to be encouraging the young one's exploration.

"I wonder if Kalm knows he is about to become a daycare center?" Gulch mused with a chuckle, "Want something to eat?"

Half an hour later the VIP lounge had become VIP indeed as DG and Cain had arrived shortly after the eldest princess, followed at brief intervals by Glitch, Raw, and eventually the Queen and Consort, Officer Gulch having sent out discrete messengers to spread the word that there was a family friendly, politics free zone to be found. Deeg loved having an escape from the insanity that surrounded her wedding. Ambrose fretted for a bit that all the Guests of Honour for the Heroes of the Eclipse Celebration had basically pulled a disappearing act as far as the rest of the guests were concerned, but since the Queen, usually a stickler for these sorts of things, declared herself to be quite delighted with the arrangement he shut up. Ahamo, too, was quite vocal in his enthusiasm with the creation of a family reception within the reception – right up until he found out it was the cop's idea whereupon he took to muttering into his beer instead. Raw merely contented himself with basking in the friendly atmosphere. Enjoying herself immensely, Azkadellia decided that for her wedding she was definitely going to do what she could to limit the guest list.

Off in the distance, the sound of fanfare was heard.

"Oh shoot," the bride said, leaping to her feet, "It's time to throw the bouquet."

Gulch choked on his juice. "W-what?" he gasped.

"It's time for the bouquet and garter toss," DG repeated.

"Those aren't part of the O.Z. wedding ceremony," the cop pointed out, appalled.

"I know, I imported them," Deeg replied smilingly.

"Y-you, you..."

"Hey!" Grumpy objected as his flagon of Northern Ale was commandeered by the sputtering policeman and downed in a single draught.

"You are completely evil, did you know that?" the fortified Gulch demanded.

The Crown Princess merely laughed, grabbed her husband's and sister's arms and steered them towards the dance field.

"What's the bouquet and garter toss?" the interested Az inquired.

"A wedding tradition from the Otherside for determining who will get married next," Deeg replied excitedly, "I thought I'd give the O.Z. a fun surprise."

"It predicts who will get married?" Azkadellia repeated in astonishment.

"That's the idea. The woman who catches the bouquet and the man who catches the garter are next in line for the wedding bells. Actually, it's just a superstition," the youngest princess continued but she'd already lost the eldest princess' attention. Az was busy scanning the women gathering on the dance field with narrowed eyes, sizing up her competition.

There was a great deal of confusion at first as the Royal Heralds explained the purpose of the activity and DG climbed a special platform erected for this purpose alone. Azkadellia, meanwhile, joined the other single ladies on the dance field and wondered if using magic to influence events would mess up the augury of the bouquet. She'd just decided she's best not risk it when she caught sight of the Winky ambassador vying for a good position. Az's eyes narrowed. The Winky suddenly became less interested in finding a good spot to catch the bouquet and more concerned with moving to a safe distance from the eldest princess. Moments later several of the ladies near her had the same idea, as did the ones nearest them, and so on and so forth until, by the time Deeg actually got around to tossing the bouquet, the only one with any chance of catching it was Azkadellia. Naturally, she did.

As the single ladies filed off the dance field to make way for the single gentlemen, the eldest princess danced triumphantly towards the platform, waving her trophy merrily. Her protection detail cheered as they dragged their commander forward to join the gathering throng for the garter toss.

"Alright, give me the garter," Cain was saying, holding his hand out to DG as Az arrived.

Deeg gave him a seraphic smile. "I can't give it to you, you have to get it yourself," she informed him.

Brows furrowing in confusion, the Tin Man asked, "What? Where is it?"

"I'm wearing it," she continued, patting her left thigh, "you have to take it off."

Cain blinked at her.

"With your teeth."

The Tin Man introduced the O.Z. to the colour of fire engine red as he blushed furiously, looked at his wife, down at her dress, back at his wife, out at the crowd then back down at her dress again. DG sat down primly upon the chair she'd had provided and waited. Cain glanced from the crowd to the dress again and swallowed hard. Then he shook himself, gritted his teeth, adjusted his gun belt and stepped forward. Deeg giggled as her Tin Man dove hastily beneath her skirt and pulled it down over himself lest anyone else get a look at his wife's legs. Beyond the platform, Dawkins and the Consort were laughing so hard they had to hold each other up. When Cain re-emerged moments later with the garter hanging from his teeth, the two men gave up the struggle and collapsed, howling with amusement.

It was not until the Tin Man prepared to fling the garter over his shoulder that Azkadellia had the sudden awful realization that there was no guarantee that Gulch would catch the thing. For a hideous instant the eldest princess had a vision of being fated to wed some scheming noble or other. Surely the fates couldn't be so cruel. _In fact_, the princess snarled silently, _they'd better not be._ It was an unhappy moment for the fates, which were sent scrambling to beg their friend physics to save them from disaster and wrathful princesses. When Cain sent the garter flying an instant later, it flew straight at the Othersider as if directed by a homing beacon and smacked him clear in the face. The Royal Guard cheered.

The Tin Man, meanwhile, was already stalking down the stairs while the garter was still in flight. Officer Gulch had barely registered that he'd just been assaulted by flying lingerie when he became decidedly more preoccupied with the gun pointed at his head.

"Give it back," Cain growled.

The cop obeyed with alacrity. Deeg fell off her chair and pounded the platform floor in her merriment. Princess Azkadellia's protection detail hoisted their commander onto their shoulders and hauled him off to the open bar for a celebratory drink. Az sat down on the steps and contemplated her bouquet.

She'd caught the bouquet and Gulch had caught the garter. Kansas thought her name was beautiful. Her Othersider had once said that every man in love thought the girl he loved was the most beautiful and only one person had had a hand in teaching the little mobat to sign. DG said that the man who caught the garter and the woman who caught the bouquet were next in line for marriage. Gulch had never been afraid of her, except as a woman, which all sane men will fear. Cain never had answered her question regarding that subject. The Tin Man never prevented Deeg from doing anything she wanted to do, unless he thought it too dangerous. Az had managed to convince her Othersider to take them shopping after her irresistible sister had failed. Gulch had caught the garter and she'd caught the bouquet. Ahamo had nailed all the communicating doors between their rooms shut and wanted the cop out of the O.Z. if at all possible. DG had said that daddy went a bit overboard in his quest to protect them because he was trying to make up for the years he missed. She'd also said that the woman who caught the bouquet and the man who caught the garter were next in line for marriage. Glitch had cut Ambrose off fast when he'd tried to say that there was a marriageable princess available because there wasn't one available, at least not to anyone who wasn't named Officer Gulch. He'd caught the garter after all, and she'd caught the bouquet.

Azkadellia stood up and went in search of her Othersider. As she'd been thinking earlier, his family was too small and it was about time someone went about making it bigger. _No time like the present_, Az decided as she strode off into the trees. A shriek of alarm and the sudden rustling of branches that preceded her might have drawn her attention on any other occasion, as it was, not even the sight of a laughing Dawkins trying to persuade someone to climb back out of a tree had the power to catch her interest. The eldest princess was on a mission.

She found Gulch seated at the open bar once more, his fellow guards having apparently moved on to celebrate elsewhere as their commander toasted the newlywed couple alone. Azkadellia absently pondered what about this annoyed her more as she took a seat beside him. The cop acknowledged her presence and raised his mug.

"We're getting married," she informed him.

Officer Gulch choked on his ale. "Who is?" he asked.

"You and me," Azkadellia replied.

Gulch blinked.

"I caught the bouquet, you caught the garter," the princess said slowly, wondering at the bewildered statue impression. Really, he was from the Otherside, he should know this. Oh well, when all else fails, use small words and short sentences, that usually did the trick, "We. Are. Getting. Married."

The result wasn't quite what she hoped. Azkadellia didn't know whether to laugh or sigh at the blank, petrified look on Gulch's face. His beer was frozen suspended in the air midway between the bar and his mouth and his left eyelid seemed to be twitching slightly. Add that to the initial bewildered statue impression and she was pretty sure she'd jammed his mental processes up extensively. DG had warned her about rushing a man but she just didn't have the patience her sister did. As the cop continued to sit there like a malfunctioning tictoc man the eldest princess decided he needed a bit of a jolt and grabbed the collar of his jacket.

Az had never actually kissed anyone before but she was pretty sure she understood the theory. Not to mention she'd had plenty of experience visualizing, Ambrose had told her once that visualizing tasks helped you learn new motor skills, and she'd wanted to kiss her Othersider pretty much since the day he arrived. She just hoped it was enough.

Azkadellia's lips met his, Gulch dropped his beer. The eldest princess ever so slowly wrapped her arms about his neck, her guard commander's entire body twitched as if it had been hit with an electric shock. Az decided she'd like to linger for a bit, her Othersider did not complain. Pulling back at last, she repeated, "We are getting married."

A myriad of expressions flitted across his face, the much beloved bewilderment and ever so cute panic chief amongst them. And then, at last, Officer Gulch blinked.

"Um...Okay?"


	52. Cloud Nine

_Disclaimer: Je ne possède pas le Tin Man._

_Author's Note: Well this is more like my usual posting schedule. Alright people, here we go, try not to hate Gulch too much. Remember, he was drunk at the time and didn't know what he was doing._

* * *

...

Azkadellia floated around the Finaqua Palace grounds in a soap bubble of pure bliss as she contemplated how convenient the Heroes of the Eclipse Celebration was at the present moment. The garden party was exceedingly useful in helping visualize the space available while searching for the perfect place to hold a wedding ceremony. A nice spot by the water would be best, she thought, and she could start her wedding march in the maze before emerging on the grassy, sunlit banks of the magical waters. There was a symbolism to that that she very much liked. If it wasn't for the fact that she considered Gulch's fishing hole to be a private, special place, she'd have been tempted to hold the ceremony there, as it was she'd have to find an alternate location. Humming, the eldest princess moved cheerfully on, it really was a perfect day.

Some distance behind her, Officer Gulch meandered absently along, a harried looking Happy running anxiously after him in order to prevent the guard commander from falling into the lake. Gulch teetered wildly for a moment before his subordinate managed to right him then stood a moment staring vacantly off into the distance before ambling forward once more in another direction entirely. The weary guard huffed in exasperation and followed after him.

Finaqua offered up all kinds of scenic beauty for a person to choose from, it really was difficult to decide. Az thought that maybe a place with overhanging branches would be pretty. It had certainly worked wonderful for DG's wedding, and while the trees at Finaqua did not bloom the way the Papay fields did, the right kind of greenery would look extremely elegant. Azkadellia was suddenly glad that she'd given Gulch a week to adjust before the betrothal was made official. As impatient as she was to announce her happiness to the world, it was nice to have a chance to have a look around before the advisors started sticking their noses in. She was determined to have her wedding at Finaqua, however. The witch's shadow within her mind would be informed, once and for all, that the magical waters were a place of light. Az would just like to see a nightmare try to attack her here after that.

As the eldest princess wandered the fringes of the forest, Happy preoccupied himself with steering Gulch around the trees. Sneezy, meanwhile, was forced to develop diplomatic skills as he intercepted the Winky ambassador and desperately endeavoured to keep her away from the Othersider and out of the princess' line of site. The entire protection detail tensed for the potential impending disaster.

Azkadellia decided she'd found plenty of good spots to choose from – she could get mommy's opinion later as to which might work best – and decided she ought to make sure the palace facilities were up to the task. If the kitchens or guest rooms needed improvement work would need to start as soon as possible.

Sneezy nobly chose to take one for the team and just sneezed on the ambassador. The woman all but tore is head off in her verbal tirade but it kept her clear of the guard commander. Dawkins, who'd unofficially taken control of the detail when it became obvious that the Othersider wasn't functional, let out a sigh of relief tinged with annoyance. They were wrecking a gloriously hilarious situation with all this worry. It was hard to find life funny when preferred outcomes were in danger of falling apart. Scowling as he followed his charge back to the palace, the former resistance soldier resolved to himself that someday he'd look back on this day and laugh. A lot. Catching sight of his commander as Happy nudged him away from the forest, Dawkins groaned. What the princess have to go and break him for anyhow?

The head chef had a fit when the eldest princess appeared in the kitchen, leaping in front of his new oven as if preparing to defend it from attack. Az ignored him. Running her fingers lightly over the table where she'd sat the first night Gulch had made her warmed milk for her nightmares, Azkadellia smiled at the thought of her Othersider's various quirks. She could disturb him anytime of the night and even drugged he was ready to take on the world, try and have a basic conversation about their upcoming nuptials in the morning, however, and all he could do was stare at her like a stunned fish. He just wasn't a morning person she guessed. Smiling, she wondered if she could do anything to change that.

Grumpy, who'd been stuck in the kitchen for over an hour trying to feed the petulant Kansas and only getting covered in flung food for his troubles, watched the eldest princess with misgivings. She was far, far too high in the clouds and he didn't relish being around when she hit ground again.

Shaken out of her daydreams when the irate mobat let out a particularly shrill shriek and hurled mashed banana at his hapless babysitter, Az turned, intent on scolding him fondly only to remember that she owed Kansas a treat. Rummaging through the supplies they'd brought with them, she located the secret stash of Gulch's homemade banana bread. Scooping up the little mobat, the princess scratched his head fondly and offered up the delicacy. Kansas chattered happily, snatched up the banana bread, and having paused to stick his tongue out at Grumpy, dug in eagerly. Cooing over the little fur ball, Azkadellia conceded that she didn't really know kitchens and that its readiness was a decision best left up to Gulch. Instead she'd better see whether the salons and ballroom were sufficient should inclement weather cause a problem.

Had the princess been less preoccupied with the mobat as she skipped down the hall on the way to the ballroom, she might have noticed the cop standing idly in the adjacent hallway with a very concerned Viewer holding his hand. Happy and Bashful watched them both fretfully.

"Gulch not here right now," Raw said in bewilderment, "Please call back later?"

_The ballroom is perfect_, Az thought minutes later as she spun in circles with an ecstatically screeching Kansas clinging to her fingertips. If the weather dare misbehave they could hold the reception in here.

"Az, dear," Ahamo said, catching his daughter as surprise and dizziness caused her to stumble, "your mother wants to know if you plan on gracing the party with your presence. She has this funny idea that the Royal Family ought to attend the Royal Functions. How about you join us?"

"Sure daddy," Azkadellia replied sweetly, "just as soon as the room stops spinning."

"Well in that case," the Consort uttered gallantly, "allow me to lend you the support of my arm young lady."

Wrapping her hands around the crook of her father's elbow while Kansas scrambled for a shoulder, the eldest princess smiled angelically up at the Consort. "Thank you daddy," she beamed, "We need to practice anyway."

"Practice what?"


	53. Gravity

_Disclaimer: I own the cinnamon buns I just made; can I trade them for Tin Man? They are really, really good, just ask my friends, who I can't let know I have been baking else they'll descend like ravenous wolves._

_Author's Note: Sorry for the delay – this was one of those chapters (had to send two versions to the Story Graveyard). Once again, try not to hate Gulch too much. Quality Control blames DG for his predicament, seems to think that the youngest princess should be a bit clearer when explaining Otherside traditions. Oh, and there shall be mention of a flower, this flower does not exist, QC and I invented it (for one of the scrapped chapter versions but darnit that took a lot of time so I'm using it)._

* * *

...

Azkadellia stood frozen in a sea of ice as her happy little bubble burst taking away all the warmth in the world and leaving behind only the shattered remnants of her once beautiful dream. She hadn't even seen it coming this time; for all his obliviousness her Othersider had never done anything to hurt her before. Indeed, he'd been the one person she'd trusted above maybe even DG never to do so, the unexpectedness of took her breath away. Her hand, the hand that Deeg had once dropped, felt so cold and empty. She was vulnerable; the darkness was closing in and...

Hyperventilating now, the eldest princess forced herself to focus her gaze and push the blackness back from the edges of her vision. The scullery maid whose penchant for gossip and inability to detect the princess' presence before it was too late stood gaping at her in petrified horror while a full half of Azkadellia's protection detail hovered anxiously as if uncertain of whether they needed to leap to the rescue or flee her inevitable wrath. She was pretty sure she would get angry eventually, at least she hoped so. Anger was so much easier to deal with than pain, so it'd better hurry up and get here because when this frozen numbness wore off it was going to _hurt_ and princesses _did not_ cry in front of their subjects.

Distantly she became aware of a distressed chirping sound. Looking down she discovered that she still held Kansas in her arms, she'd come down to the kitchen to get him a treat after all. The little mobat had forgotten completely about his sign language, pulling on her hair and clothes and making the most piteous little cries in his desperation to get her attention. Az felt the ice that kept the agony at bay beginning to crack as she wrapped her arms tightly around the infant who hugged her back in return.

She'd been so happy just five minutes ago – was it only five minutes ago? Yesterday the citizens of the O.Z. had done their level best to tear down the Sorceress' Tower in a single day; there'd been fireworks and bonfires. The Realm had taken a step towards healing itself and had a marvellous time in the process. Azkadellia, meanwhile, had discovered a brave little flower growing in the wasteland that had surrounded the witch's abode that seemed to match Gulch so perfectly. Shadow's Dawn Grumpy had called it – she'd been so giddily astonished to discover the dour Gillikin was interested in _botany_ of all things. So like a shadow finding the dawn had the appearance of her Othersider been to her that Az had instantly wanted the flower for her bouquet. The bouquet for her wedding...Azkadellia's lower lip started trembling.

There wasn't going to be a wedding. That Gulch had gone out to drink the nearest bar he could find dry at the mere thought of it was clear evidence of that, especially given his 'private' conversation with the army lieutenant he'd taken with him. Apparently Jeb and the cop had been expounding on the dangers of women for several hours now. Az was only grateful that even inebriated the policeman had managed not to reveal the name of the lady who'd ambushed him with matrimony when he was too drunk to defend himself. She was pretty sure those hadn't been his exact words, either. Officer Gulch was, after all, a good man – a heartbreakingly oblivious man, but a good man. When he wasn't enacting the part of a drunken _idiot,_ that is.

And there, at last, was anger; Azkadellia clutched at it like a lifeline. Every guard in the room rocked back on their heels in alarm as the eldest princess suddenly glared at no one in particular, the scullery maid hastily hid herself behind Dawkins. Az, meanwhile, was reviewing the last few days with the horrible clarity of hindsight. She should have realized it sooner. When Cain and DG had gotten engaged they'd become even more inseparable than ever; the last couple of days, ever since their supposed engagement, however, Azkadellia had hardly seen the cop, much less spoken to him. While she'd been running around like a blind fool, Gulch had kept to himself as he presumably dealt with his latest blunder. It was a small blessing that Ahamo had assumed her sudden wish to practice for her wedding had stemmed from what the Consort had called 'wedding madness' or the sudden desire of women to plan their weddings as a result of attending one. Az shuddered, if the pain of discovering that her engagement was a drunken mistake wasn't enough, the mortification of having to tell daddy that would have about killed her.

_A drunken mistake_, Azkadellia snarled mentally, _that's all it was_. She'd known he was drunk – he'd offered her Winky wine, Gulch abhorred the thought of her drunk – but she'd never thought...she'd wanted...he'd caught the garter. And she'd caught the bouquet. DG had said...though come to think of it, Deeg had said there was no magic on the Otherside, so how could the bouquet predict anything? Wincing, the eldest princess realized that the bouquet toss was just one those things you did, like starting the reception with the Wizard Waltz, it was a tradition, nothing more. And if the policeman hadn't been too drunk to think straight he could have explained it to her, instead of accepting every proposal that came his way – he probably would have said yes to that damned Winky if she'd have thought to ask. If only he could have stayed sober enough that when his charge had come by and informed him they were getting married, he could have told her...what? Told her what? That she had been mistaken about the significance of the bouquet toss in a nice diplomatic manner? _Gulch_. The walking diplomatic disaster? Az was almost shaken right out of her anger as she tried to picture the poor bewildered cop trying to handle the delusional bouquet-wielding princess' proposal in tactful and sensitive manner.

_No, not 'poor bewildered'_, she reminded herself hastily as her wall of fury began to crumble, leaving her vulnerable to pain once more, _drunken idiot._ He could have done _something_ to prevent this, _anything_ rather than giving her her greatest wish only to snatch it away again. And what the caves was he doing going out and getting drunk when that is what caused the problem in the first place? He was supposed to be her guardian, her knight, he wasn't supposed to be the one blowing the Tower out from under her...or some metaphor that didn't depict her as the Sorceress...though she had been...oh fine then, she'd take care of herself, just see if she wouldn't.

"Where is he?" Azkadellia asked at last in what her guards considered to be an alarmingly even tone.

"I-I-I d-don't know," the maid stuttered as the eldest princess focused her gaze on the frightened woman, "h-he g-got ar-r-r-rested f-for b-brawling. S-same p-place as l-last t-time I t-think," she added desperately as the Royal Glare intensified.

_Brawling._ He'd gotten into a drunken fight _again_. His _hands_, his _face_, he was going to wreck them, _not_ that that was any of her concern. Except that her guards needed to be in good health in order to do their jobs, of course. "Bashful," she snapped, "find the Consort and ask him to meet me here." _The tin men aren't allowed to arrest the Othersider,_ she thought as her protection detail desperately tried to figure out which of them was Bashful, _he can't see how well I manage without him if he isn't there to see_.


	54. Kaleidoscope Pain

_Disclaimer: Ok, I am currently out of new ones, I'll just say it: I do not own Tin Man._

_Author's Note: So this one has a little different format to it. Quality Control liked it, we'll see what you think. Probably be a bit before the next one – midterms._

_

* * *

_

_..._

_Azkadellia was in the cave again. It was dark and she was alone, all alone. She didn't want to walk this tunnel, didn't want to approach the creepy face in the rock that sent chills down her spine, but what was the point in fighting it? She'd tried and tried, and always to no avail, what hope was there? The eldest princess was just too damned weak, she couldn't stop her feet nor fight that which waited at the end of the tunnel, and there was no one to rescue her, her hands were empty, so empty. Besides, it was too late, she'd been seen. The witch was cackling maliciously as she drew closer and closer in order to seize the girl, the woman, the child, the princess, the terrified soul that cried out in pain as the darkness invaded, then in despair as she was shown what was to come..._

Silent scream burning her throat, Az wrenched herself upright, her hands clenched in a white-knuckled grip on the bedding as she fought desperately against the lingering horror of the dream. _No, she would not lose, would not yield, would _not_ let it take her._ Gasping for breath as she trembled and collapsed forward over her knees, Azkadellia shuddered against the wave of stark isolation the nightmare had inspired. She would have thought after having been without them for so long her dreams would have lost their power, instead it was as if their absence had robbed her of some defence. The dark shadows of her room closed in on her, she panicked; she needed help, she needed DG, she needed...

Grumpy took one look at the eldest princess as she burst into the hallway and dove for the thermos of warm milk that always stood night guard along with the protection detail. Azkadellia stopped like she'd been slapped in the face. She remembered...

...then to the Gillikin's absolute horror and dismayed discomfiture, his charge threw herself forward and burst into tears on his chest. As the guard patted her shoulder awkwardly, Az wailed to think that a man could see so damn much and yet still miss everything.

...

Officer Gulch was scheduled for the morning shift today, Azkadellia was well aware of that. She had, after all, memorized the guard's schedule. It worked on a four week rotation that the Othersider tweaked occasionally to keep from becoming too patterned and in order to ensure all guards got sufficient rest. Gulch's shifts this week went morning, evening, morning, afternoon, night, double day, and then a day off. There was nothing to her knowing this information, she was also well informed as to when Sneezy, Bashful, Grumpy, Happy and Doc were on-duty, and it had nothing to do with her desire to know when the cop was not. It was just that as a princess of the realm, the wellbeing of its citizens were a part of her responsibilities, so it was her duty to know these things. That she knew the Othersider's schedule made him no different from the other members of her protection detail, because he was no different. He was one of her guards and she would treat him accordingly.

Stepping out into the hall on her way to a breakfast she probably wouldn't eat, the eldest princess acknowledged her guard commander's presence by passing her eyes over him like he wasn't even there. Attempting a small smile as she nodded to the lingering Grumpy, Azkadellia held her head high and strode off, pretending she didn't see the policeman's expression shift from nervous worry to worry and something oddly resembling hurt.

...

Az, while truly happy for her sister, wished Deeg didn't have to be away on her honeymoon at this of all times. She wondered that the solitude should be so much heavier than it had been before...before when everyone was still convinced that she was an evil atrocity just waiting to happen. Not that they were entirely reassured on this point as of yet, but there weren't so many whispers, the servants no longer flinched at the sight of her (nor fled if they could), the guilt had been left behind, and there were even young, and not so young, lords and nobles hovering about as if they were considering approaching her. The situation had improved, so why did she feel like it had gotten worse? If only her guards weren't acting like someone had died; if only she had someone to _talk_ to; if only Officer Gulch wouldn't lurk like that...

...or rather, if only he'd lurk nearer by. Not that she'd notice him.

...

He had Kansas with him again. The little mobat was perched as ever on the cop's shoulder, chattering away as his tiny hands endeavoured to convey whatever it was he wished to communicate with his rather limited vocabulary. Gulch flicked a glance at the eldest princess before scanning the area for threats, all the while managing to keep enough of his attention focused on Kansas so that a moment later he could slowly and carefully add a new gesture to the little mobat's repertoire. He looked so much like a father with his child, Azkadellia thought, her vision blurring as she remembered dreams of little booties and tiny cherubs with her light and his eyes.

A falling tear cleared up her sight as the alarmed cop thrust Kansas into Bashful's arms and backed hastily away. The little mobat let out a screeching wail. Darting forward to scoop the infant up again, the Othersider alternated his gaze between the crying princess and the wailing mobat, his face the picture of abject misery.

...

Azkadellia reminded herself that she was angry at her guard commander. It wasn't particularly hard at the moment because there was currently a certain Winky engaging a certain member of the eldest princess' protection detail in what appeared to be friendly conversation. The cop was leaning against a pillar, his arms crossed and his brow furrowed in what was no doubt earnest contemplation of whatever the ambassador was saying. _How dare he...he...just how dare he, _the eldest princess thought furiously, _and what is he doing at this soirée anyhow? He's off-duty and political discussions might happen, he should have been banned_, she added, her eyebrows twitching as Gulch allowed the lady to place a hand on his arm.

Turning angrily and stalking out of the room, Az didn't notice the Othersider brush past the Winky without ever having noticed the ambassador was there.

...

The eldest princess had no idea why DG had always complained about her hoard of suitors. True, the youngest princess had always wanted Cain and therefore considered their existence a nuisance, but Az thought her little sister might have been doing the young lords an injustice. So far they were quite polite and gentlemanly, refined even. In fact, she was finding their company to be quite pleasant. There was, of course, the fact that only the smartest and bravest of Deeg's erstwhile suitors had as yet made any advances. Perhaps the more annoying ones had been weeded out? That would explain a lot, because as a whole, Azkadellia was quite enjoying herself. Truly she was. She was never without anything to do these days; always riding or walking or dining, the eldest princess found that she was handling her recent disappointment quite well.

Now if only she could discover what Dawkins had found so suddenly amusing. Really, the former resistance fighter had been out of sorts for over a week now, she did not know what was bothering him but misery had been enjoying the company – not that she was miserable – so why he should choose this particular moment to snap out of it she had no idea. When the guard's amused smirk bloomed into full blown laughter she could take it no more.

"What are you laughing at?" Azkadellia demanded indignantly.

"Oh nothing," Doc replied enigmatically, "just noticed something familiar." Glancing back to where his commander stalked along behind them, he muttered, "I give it a week, two tops."

...

Az was beginning to understand why Deeg had found her suitors to be so troublesome; some of them were just plain annoying. Not, of course, that anyone watching the eldest princess, as she showed Lord Whatever-His-Name-Was how the Central City gardens had been designed as a representative map of the O.Z., would think that she was anything but enraptured by their scintillating discourse on how everything the Royal Family had the lord seemed to possess only better. Azkadellia wondered how this could be possible given that the lord's lands were basically one big swamp.

"Indeed," the lord was saying, "That truly is a handsome representation of the southern lakes, the man who created the design for this garden was truly a master. The gentleman I had design mine, however, was a genius. I only hope that I can show you some day, Your Highness."

The eldest princess smiled and replied with one of those appropriate, vague courtly phrases that basically said nothing but pretended like they were conveying a compliment. The lord was so gratified he actually shut up for five minutes, it was a delightful break, then...

"Your Highness, I was wondering if you would do me the honour of accompanying me on a ride out of the city this afternoon. Truly it is the most beautiful day, perhaps we could even leave a few of the guards behind, I mean, goodness, you do have a lot of them."

Considering she currently had a full half of her protection detail following after her, Azkadellia had no choice but to agree with latter part of this statement, not that she actually said so out loud. Happy and the Othersider, who had inexplicably doubled her guard again, were actually on-duty, Dawkins, however, was likely here only for his own amusement. Weighing the pros and cons for a moment, Az came to the conclusion that the decrease in conversation that could be necessitated by a good ride far outweighed the probability of getting absolutely drenched by the inevitably rain that anyone could see was on the way. Nodding her assent, only to have her hand seized and kissed in gratitude, the eldest princess pulled free and turned towards the stables, trying to resist the impulse to wipe her hand on her dress all the while.

"Thank you, Your Gracious Highness," the lord orated behind her, "I assure you that I will take the utmost care with..." With a yelp and a splash, the young noble abruptly cut off midsentence.

Looking back to discover the source of the commotion, Azkadellia first caught sight of Dawkins falling over with laughter. The lord, meanwhile, was splashing about in the pond representing Finaqua Lake, screeching and spluttering in fury. Happy seemed to be having a coughing fit as the princess's gaze passed over him to...

"He slipped," Officer Gulch said flatly as he strolled innocently away from the water.

...

The Othersider was getting on Azkadellia's very last nerve; if he wasn't lurking about on- and off-duty, glowering and making everyone uncomfortable, he was cutting her off from her only escape from the interminable swarm of suitors. Not that she was anything but friendly and polite with the lords who did her the honour of playing court to her position in the Royal Court, but even the most dutiful of princesses needed a break every now and again, and she couldn't very well go into the kitchen when the cop had it staked out like that. Not to mention every off-duty guard – and any on-duty one that could find an excuse – had made their way into the kitchen as well. Peering through the crack in the backstairs door, the eldest princess could see the excitable cook fussing about the invasion, or perhaps it was the way his precious oven had been co-opted.

"This is great!" Bashful declared as the cop slammed a tray of fresh cinnamon buns down on the table and the protection details fell on it like a pack of ravenous Papay. "Old Gulchy should get upset more often," the guard continued in an audible whisper as his commander moved away to go beat another bowl of batter into submission.

"Ya think so?" Grumpy inquired caustically, grabbing a roll for himself nonetheless.

"It'll be fine," Dawkins interjected around a mouthful of buttery cinnamon goodness, "the man'll figure it out, nothing left to do but sit back and wait for the fireworks."

"An' yer basin' yer beliefs on his powers of perception as demonstrated thus far?" the Gillikin retorted sceptically.

"Sees more than you think," Sneezy chimed in as he carefully unrolled his cinnamon bun and slathered the steaming insides with butter.

"An' what brought ya ta that conclusion?"

"Things that never happened," the guard replied obscurely.

His fellow guards stared at him. "I think someone's been holding out on us," Dawkins opined, a speculative gleam in his eye as Sneezy suddenly became completely preoccupied with his desert.

...

Azkadellia didn't know whether to laugh or cry as she stared at the lord in front of her. Dawkins, however, had no such dilemma and even Grumpy was having difficulty not following his example. It would be a disaster if he did: the Gillikin was the only thing keeping his laughing comrade from plunging headlong into the river. Amusement had taken away Doc's ability to stand the moment his favourite drunken lord had attempted to approach the eldest princess using an odd one step forward, two steps back method and ended up circling all the way around the palace only to bump into her from behind.

The young lord shrieked in alarm the second he saw her then hyperventilated for a few minutes before blurting, "MyfathersaysImustcourtyou,Idon'twantto,pleasesayno!"

The guards overbalanced as Grumpy, too, succumbed to his amusement, and they plunged into the river with a tremendous splash. Eyebrow twitching as she turned her attention back to the terrified face before her, Az stated flatly, "No."

The young lord's relief was palpable. "Much obliged," he said gratefully before adding anxiously, "Er...you did mean no as in no to the courting and not no as in no to saying no right?"

Dawkins, who had been in the midst of pulling himself up the bank, collapsed back into the water again. "I meant no as in no, I do not want you to court me. Ever," Az replied sweetly with narrowed eyes.

"Oh good," the young lord uttered thankfully then just stood there as if waiting for something. The eldest princess lifted an eyebrow; the young noble glanced around in puzzlement then looked back at her expectantly.

"Waiting for something?" she finally asked in exasperation.

"Well, yes actually, usually there's a...Gah!" he squeaked then took off running.

Turning around to see what had frightened the lord, Azkadellia saw Officer Gulch storming around the corner of the palace, followed by Cain and- "_DG!_" she shrieked, racing forward to throw herself into her sister's arms.

...

"Azzzz, you _didn't_," Deeg groaned sinking her head into her hands as she sat on the edge of the bed, "I told you, I _warned_ you that you couldn't just go and rush a man into marriage like that. It makes them run."

The eldest princess didn't feel her sister was striking the proper tone here, nor appreciating the salient point. "He said yes," Azkadellia pointed out petulantly.

"He was dead drunk!" DG retorted, "If that actually was a viable shortcut I would have spiked Cain's drink years ago!"

Across the room the Tin Man paused in the act of unpacking in order to shoot his wife a look with an uplifted eyebrow. The youngest princess merely smiled at him. Snorting, Cain returned to his task.

"Honestly, Az, what were you thinking?"

"Well," she replied, fiddling with her frock, "I caught the bouquet..."

"Oh crap," Deeg muttered ruefully, "Look Az..."

"And I did give him time," the eldest princess interrupted, "I went to see him early the next morning and gave him a week to get used to the idea."

The Tin Man stared at her in bemused fascination. "And what did Gulch say to that?" he wondered.

"Not much," Azkadellia admitted, "He mostly just stared at me like a stunned fish."

"Yes, well, I imagine he would," Cain mumbled sympathetically.

"And that didn't tip you off that something was wrong?" Deeg inquired gently.

"Well I was just so incredibly _happy_," Az murmured miserably, causing both DG and Cain to wince, "I just didn't think..." scowling, she looked up at the Tin Man, "I suppose you're on _his_ side," she accused him.

"Oh no," Cain replied urbanely, "I am on DG's side, who is naturally on your side. I expect her to declare Gulch an idiot any minute now."

"Well he is," Deeg interjected, "I always knew that, but really, even if he was drunk he should have known better than to go around accepting marriage proposals like that. And furthermore..."

As the sisters launched into a full-fledged Gulch-bashing session, the Tin Man rolled his eyes and shook his head. "Poor bastard," he muttered.

...

If Azkadellia was sure of anything, it was that the last thing she wanted to be doing at this moment was attending a ball. It was nice to have DG to confide in again, but her blissful happiness was a poor companion to Az's undeniable misery. The last time they'd had a ball in the Central City Palace – had it only been three weeks ago? – the eldest princess had only one dance partner willing and able to dance with her. She'd had a wonderful time. Now she had dozens of suitors falling over themselves to ask for her hand and all she wanted to do was talk to a certain blind, oblivious, foolish, kind, honourable, gentle, warm, stupid, insensible, occasionally drunken, thoughtless idiot. And what the _hell caves_ was Lord Fastidium going on about anyhow? She'd stopped listening several hundred syllables ago.

Turning her head towards the pompous noble in order smile and nod and pretend she had the slightest idea what he was saying, Az wondered what the storms he was up to talking to her. Then Officer Gulch barged forward and clocked the verbose lord in the jaw; Lord Fastidium hit the floor like a dropped house. The next few moments were a bit chaotic as Bashful and Sneezy leapt forward to restrain their inexplicably infuriated commander while several of the nearby gentry tended to Fastidium and everyone else crowded round to watch the row. Above the ballroom, perched on a conveniently placed balcony, Dawkins nudged Grumpy with his elbow; the Gillikin grudgingly handed over a handful of platinums. Azkadellia, meanwhile, was wracking her memory for any inkling of what Lord Fastidium might have said to set the Othersider off.

"Very well, I accept," the lord said with uncharacteristic brevity as he picked himself off the floor and straightened his clothing. Perhaps his jaw hurt.

"Accept what?" the policeman growled back.

"Your insignificant, unworthy and contemptible person's vulgar issue of challenge to an affair of honour," Lord Fastidium riposted, recovering, "a duel."

_Wait, wait, WHAT?_


	55. Duelling Emotions

_Disclaimer: I duel you for Tin Man ownership – en gard!_

_Author's Note: Don't worry, the next chapter will pick up pretty much where this one leaves off, don't eat me! __I have issues with this chapter but that never seems to matter as long a Quality Control doesn't. What do I know?_

* * *

...

Azkadellia watched the horizon with sleepless eyes as the sky lightened ominously, harbinger of the rising of the first sun and the arrival of dawn. Officer Gulch was fated to meet with Lord Fastidium this sunrise in a duel of honour. Sitting on her bed, her knees tucked up under her chin and her arms wrapped tightly around them as she rocked slightly in agitation, Az searched her memory for the millionth time for some hint or fragment of conversation for how it had come to this. The cop never fought without reason but she was at a loss to discover what that reason might be. If only she'd been paying attention to the pompous lord's verbose monologue she'd know what had prompted the Othersider into this foolhardy, reckless, imprudent, unnecessary and preposterous course of action. Of all the impulsive, outlandish, insensible, thoughtless and _stupid_ things to do, it would serve the oblivious idiot right if he died...

...he couldn't die could he? She didn't want him to die, it wasn't allowed! He could be as blind, bumbling, peculiar, ludicrous and absurd as he chose but he wasn't allowed to die, _she wouldn't let him_! Even before the thought was finished, the eldest princess was flying from her bed, her feet scrabbling for purchase as she scrambled for the door. Out in the hall Happy and Dawkins exchanged high fives and took off in pursuit as their charge brushed past and sprinted down the hallway towards her sister's chambers.

Dodging sharply to the left as she burst into the room, lest a startled Tin Man open fire, Azkadellia's anxiety doubled as no shot was forthcoming. If Cain wasn't shooting at early morning intruders it meant that he'd already left to perform his duty as second in bringing Gulch to the duel. _No, no, no, no..._

"Wagh!" was DG's startled and emphatic opinion of being shaken violently awake by her frantic sister. "Wha..wazzit. Az! Stop shaking me, what's wro... he didn't wake me!" Deeg growled as her brain finally joined the rest of her in wakefulness, "He is so dead."

"I don't want him to be dead!" the eldest princess shrieked hysterically, tugging violently on the youngest princess' arm.

"What?" the discombobulated Deeg uttered before finally getting a good look at her sister. "No, no, Az," she reassured hastily, "I mean Cain and all his honourable man stuff..." but Az was too busy pulling her towards the door to hear her.

"Raw should have Seen this coming," the Viewer muttered as he hit the floor not five minutes later. "Ow," he added as an afterthought while the princesses who'd unceremoniously dumped him out of bed proceeded to haul him out the door.

The combatants and their seconds were already in position when Azkadellia entered the courtyard with Raw and DG in tow. The eldest princess, who was scanning her Othersider anxiously, and the Palace Guards and Royal Protection Details jockeying for position in the windows above were both relieved to see that the duel had yet to commence, though for different reasons. She had to do something to stop this, she had to...

"This is an affair of honour," Lord Fastidium stated pompously, "it cannot in good principle be overset by outer contrivances nor should it be witnessed by uninvolved parties."

_Oh yes it can_, Az thought angrily, _and it's not going to be witnessed at all because..._

"Stuff it," advised DG before her sister had a chance to turn thought into action, "we're just here to watch not interfere."

_What? No, we're not and yes we are!_ Try as she might, though, the eldest princess couldn't seem to get a word out; her tongue kept getting jumbled up in a knot of anger and fear.

"Doth not mine challenger have any judgements regarding this irregularity in protocol?" the lord demanded querulously, before the panicking princess could manage to get a word out.

_Hey!_ Azkadellia shrieked mentally as she desperately tried to regain use of her voice.

"Whatever gave you the idea that I have any control over them?" Gulch pointed out.

_Exactly, I'm the one with the Royal Decrees, now..._

"Very well," Fastidium capitulated, "we shall proceed thus observed, but know this, depraved miscreant, I do not cross swords with you this day in any indication that your degenerate person be of the least worthy of the honour. I sully my dignified blade only in order that I may prevent future incursions of your contemptible presence unto the attendance of noble personages such as myself."

_Sully! Why you insignificant, arrogant, soulless..._

"If I die I hope my second shoots you," replied the policeman before drawing his sword.

_YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO DIE!_

"Easy, Az, easy," Deeg murmured into Azkadellia's ear as she wrapped a steadying arm around her sister, "It'll be okay, right Cain? Cain?" she repeated but the Tin Man's gaze was locked on the duelling pair as the first few parries showed just how outmatched the Othersider was. The eldest princess gasped as the policeman only just deflected the lord's sword away from his face. _Not his face!_

"We have to stop them," Az rasped in a whisper moments later as another slow parry left a tear in the cop's sleeve, coming that close to hurting his arm, his _hand._

"Can't," Cain bit out shortly, not taking his eyes off of the beleaguered Gulch. For the first time since she'd been freed, Azkadellia spent a moment disliking the Tin Man.

"It's one of those masculine pride things," DG muttered bitterly, "you need a Y chromosome to understand."

"What's a – _oh!" _the eldest princess cried as her Othersider just barely twisted out of the way of another sword thrust.

"That's really not helping, Your Highness," Cain said tightly as the policeman's eyes flicked ever so briefly in their direction. "There was a reason I tried to leave you out of this," he growled at his wife.

"Oh really," the Crown Princess fired back, taking refuge from her worry in anger, "and why might that be?"

"Besides the fact that you are a distraction?" the Tin Man replied acerbically as another of Az's dismayed squeaks drew the guard commander's attention momentarily, "Because neither of you need to see him-"

Azkadellia choked suddenly.

"-get slashed across the chest like that," he finished as the distracted Gulch was too slow in leaping back from Lord Fastidium's downward stroke. Ripped fabric showed a long, if shallow gash starting almost in the hollow of the Othersider's left shoulder and ending midway down the right side of his ribcage. "Oh," Cain added, mildly impressed as the cop, seemingly more enraged than injured by the wound, wielded his sword like a club and actually managed to push his opponent back.

The eldest princess was already in motion.

"Az," the Tin Man grunted, diving forward to intercept her as she dashed forward to intercede, "You can't...calm down, he's doing fine..._dammit_," he swore as the fight turned against Gulch once more. "Deeg," Cain growled, making Azkadellia's world blur as he spun desperately about to catch his wife in his semi-free arm as she, too, leapt forward to aid the struggling policeman. In the end he only managed to contain the anxious princesses because Fastidium's second stepped in to lend a hand. The young lord had a hard time of it: Az and Deeg might try not to hurt the Tin Man but they had no such compunction about the erstwhile swimmer of garden ponds.

_No!_ Azkadellia cried internally as she watched the grappling duellers overbalance and tumble haphazardly to the ground, their swords flying harmlessly from their outstretched hands. _No, no, no,_ she wailed as Lord Fastidium managed to come out on top, dagger in hand and pressed firmly against the Othersider's throat. _No, I was mad at him and he hasn't had the chance to do something stupid yet so I'll forgive him_. The eldest princess clawed desperately at the arms holding her. Distantly she heard Cain curse and say something but she just couldn't understand...

"Dost thou yield?" Lord Fastidium demanded of his seemingly vanquished foe.

_Yes, yield_, Az begged, _please yield, as long as you live...what's that?_ she wondered as the cop pulled the oddest little canister free of his belt. Lord Fastidium shrieked and leapt away, hands clawing at his eyes, as Gulch sprayed a strange greyish vapour directly into his face.

The eldest princess couldn't believe her eyes as the policeman rose swiftly, knocked the lord down and introduced him to the sound of click, spouting some strange nonsense about rights all the while. Which was all well and good but Fastidium hadn't submitted and as long as he didn't submit Gulch was still in danger, and if he was going to pound the lord into the ground like that couldn't he do it a bit harder? Unconsciousness counted as submission and he was refusing to submit otherwise. If he didn't submit soon she was going to...

"I yield!" shrieked the lord, trying to hide his eyes in the dirt as the Othersider threatened him with the strange vapours again. Az didn't approve of vapours in general, but just this once was fine because he was going to be okay, and...and...she couldn't breathe and...the world fuzzed a little as her knees gave way beneath her.

"She's fine," Deeg was saying when the world sorted itself back out again, "She's just relieved is all."

But she was _not_ fine, the eldest princess thought as she clutched her head and gasped for breath yet still found the strength to glare at her sister. Gulch could have _died_. And she'd been mad at him, she hadn't talked him for weeks, not really, and she'd missed him. She was so _glad_ he was okay and what the _storms_ had the fight been about anyway? What if he'd never had the chance to fix things? She hadn't been that mad at him, really she hadn't, and it was fine now because he was fine and...and she was so darned _angry_.

"You, what the hell did you think you were doing?" Princess Azkadellia demanded pushing herself awkwardly to her feet. Under the circumstances a lack of dignified grace was perfectly acceptable because she needed to give him a piece of her mind and he was _bleeding._ "Do you have any idea what you put me through?" she demanded, desperately trying to keep her voice from wobbling as if she was on the verge of tears, because she wasn't. "You could have died! What in the Realm were you fighting about anyhow? And don't even try to claim you were drunk because I know very well that you weren't, Sneezy says you haven't touched the storm-ridden stuff since the last time you were arrested. And even if you were drunk that would be no reason to get yourself into situations where you might die. Royal Decree: you are not allowed to die! _Are you listening to me?"_ she all but snarled as she realized Gulch seemed to be in the midst of a bewildered statue impression moment. "This," Az declared, "is how you end up in trouble all the time, you fail to notice-"

"That's enough," the Othersider cut her off abruptly.

"W-what?" the eldest princess stuttered at the unexpected interruption. Her chief bodyguard, the soul of chivalry, had rarely crossed her in anything, and almost never on purpose. Was he angry?

"I said enough," the cop reiterated, "I've had my fill of this, it's time to end it once and for all. Come on," he said, grabbing her wrist and pulling her towards the palace.

"W-where are we going?" Azkadellia asked in sudden fear. Had she...had she gone too far?

"To see Ahamo," he replied still striding forward.

"Why?" she hesitantly inquired. He never willingly sought daddy out. _I've had my fill of this._ Wait..._no, please no. _What if he'd finally had enough of all that the O.Z. had – that she'd – thrown at him? What if he wanted to be returned to the Otherside? The Consort would be more than willing to arrange it. _No, no, no..._

"We are getting married," Gulch stated.

Already panicking by this point, this response was not anywhere on her list of expected replies. "What?" she exclaimed, thrown by the drastic shift in thought.

"Just what I said," the cop said urbanely, "We. Are. Getting. Married."

"B-but..." the eldest princess stuttered, still trying to make the mental transition from fear to potential hope. And what was he doing using small words and short sentences on her for?

"Look Azkadellia," Officer Gulch said stopping and turning around suddenly to face her, "either we continue to do a DG-Tin Man-esque dance around each other for the next two years or so, or we can get married in the nearish future and I can have the hope of surviving that long. Nearish future, not tomorrow," he stated clearly.

"But you never asked me," Az protested stupidly. What the caves was she arguing for?

"Neither did you," Gulch rebutted irrefutably before leading her forward once more.

"Daddy's probably still in his chambers right now, where are you going?" she asked as he set off in the opposite direction._ He called me by my name_, she thought giddily as her brain desperately tried to catch up with the situation.

"To the kitchen to get a beer," her Othersider replied, "I have a feeling Ahamo's going to need it."


	56. POA

_Disclaimer: I'm stealing Shakespeare's lines again muwhahahahaha...oh and then there is my shameless use of the Tin Man universe and its characters, but that's such a minor thing, you don't mind that I don't own it, right?_

_Author's Note: You may thank Canadian Thanksgiving for this quick update – I got to study, finish assignments and procrastinate for three whole uninterrupted days. Helped that there was no turkey dinner for me, alas, but there was great beef stew and I intend to bake a pie tomorrow, so I'm good. Just a thought, but why is it that there are no holidays for the purpose of eating a great deal of beef? We always seem to go after the turkeys, we need a beef day._

* * *

...

Azkadellia did consider, in the far, far distant part of her mind that wasn't preoccupied with performing mental happy dances, that this might not be the best time to disturb the Consort with requests for hands in marriage. Something about the first sun still being in the midst of rising and the fact that her Othersider was bleeding...Lord Fastidium had actually had the nerve to nick Gulch's neck with his dagger while flailing about at the agony the cop's strange mace had induced. And the chest wound...rational thought was abruptly squashed by a wave of giddy bliss as the policeman shifted his grip on her hand and squeezed. Az _liked_ the way their fingers now interlocked and he was smiling down at her and everything was so wonderful, how could daddy not be delighted with the news?

"This had better be important," Ahamo growled sleepily as Gulch prodded him into consciousness a short while later. Perhaps not the gentlest awakening ever, but far superior to anyone else's that day, and the eldest princess had never actually gone to bed in the first place. "Gulch?" the Consort queried fuzzily as he rolled over and squinted up at them, "What..._Are we under attack?_" he hissed, sitting up hastily as he caught sight of the cop's wounds.

"Incidental duel damage," Gulch told him reassuringly, waving it off, "nothing important."

"Nothing important?" Ahamo fired back testily, "You haul me out of bed – the second sun hasn't even risen – for _nothing important_."

The cop huffed, "I didn't say...oh never mind, I'm making a botch of this. Here, take this, sir, I figure you're going to need it."

"Sir?" the Consort repeated, staring at beer Gulch had handed him in bewilderment, "why are you...oh God!" he exclaimed, his eyes widening in sudden comprehension, "You can't be serious!"

"Oh really, daddy, is that your only response..." Azkadellia began in exasperation.

"Wouldn't be here if I wasn't," her Othersider said at the same time.

"Absolutely not!" Ahamo bellowed, slamming the beer down on the bedside table and cutting them both off, "I forbid it! No way am I letting my daughter marry some _cop_ the storms dragged in," he bit out, swinging a leg off the bed in preparation to stand.

"Dear," the Queen interjected hastily, "you aren't wearing anything..."

Gulch's hand slammed down on the edge of the sliding bedding, locking it in place before it slipped far enough to give the eldest princess a view no daughter wanted of her father. The move brought the policeman, blushing either from anger or embarrassment, face to face, if not eye to eye, with the equally red-faced Consort.

"I'm not having it," Ahamo snarled, "If you think I'm entrusting my eldest daughter, after all she's been through, to you, you've got another thing coming."

"Daddy!"

"Yes, because cop's are known to be so unreliable, unlike carnies who are completely trustworthy," Gulch fired back sarcastically.

"Says the cop who made her absolutely miserable for weeks with his drunken blundering," the Consort hissed. The Othersider flinched.

"_Daddy!"_

"That won't happen again," Gulch rumbled through gritted teeth, "I'll take care..."

"I know it won't happen again," Ahamo interrupted acidly, "because you are going back to the Otherside right-"

"AHAMO!"

Consort and guard commander froze in shock while the eldest princess took a moment to wonder how mommy managed to look so regal wrapped on nothing but a bed sheet.

"Dearest, would you be so kind as to look, _really look_, at your daughter for a minute," the Queen instructed, drawing her husband's attention to where Azkadellia stood wrapped around Officer Gulch's free arm, glaring back at them mulishly. 'Mine', her posture stated far more clearly than if she'd tattooed 'Property of Azkadellia' on his forehead. Shame that would mar his face, maybe on his shoulder...

"See anything familiar?" the Queen asked gently.

The anger faded from the Consort's face as his expression became lost in a jumble of conflicting emotion. Opening and closing his mouth a few times, finally he managed to utter in a pained voice, "_Must_ it be a cop? I mean, there are so many other men to choose from, younger men who aren't cops..."

"Oh yes, because there are just so many men just falling over themselves to court me," Azkadellia cut in sceptically.

"Certainly seemed like it to me," Gulch grumbled.

Az huffed, "They weren't interested in me, just the throne, besides it wouldn't matter if they were because...wait, were you jealous?" she demanded, acutely interested.

"No, I just find pushing people into ponds to be relaxing," he replied dryly, "Actually," he added reflectively, "it kind of was."

"Hmmm," the eldest princess hummed happily, smiling up at him.

"Oie!" Ahamo interjected hastily.

"So when are you planning on getting married," the Queen broke in, unable to contain herself any longer.

"Well," Azkadellia mused seriously, "Gulch said not tomorrow, so how about the day after?"

"Ah," the cop choked.

Winking at her future son-in-law, the Queen shook her head at her daughter. "That would be lovely, Az," she replied reasonably, "but I'm afraid we are going to need a bit more time than that to hold a proper ceremony. Where were you thinking of having it?"

"At Finaqua, of course," the eldest princess supplied readily, falling eagerly into a preliminary planning session with her mother.

"Hey," the Consort objected, "I haven't...oh forget it." Rolling his eyes in the direction of the cop who was watching the Royal Ladies warily, he muttered, "I don't suppose there's anything I can give you to make you go away?"

"I've already fought one duel this morning, kindly don't oblige me to fight a second, sir," the policeman requested urbanely, not taking his eyes off the eldest princess.

"You're not to make a habit of fighting duels!" Azkadellia decreed, breaking off her conversation with her mother in order to nip thoughts dangerous to the continued existence of her Othersider in the bud.

"Wasn't planning on it," he agreed mildly.

"Why is it that every time you call me 'sir' I feel like you are thinking of arresting me?" Ahamo's grumble interrupted.

"Guilty conscious?" the policeman suggested lightly, "Though it is a tempting idea."

The Consort glared at him. "This is why I don't like cops," he informed them.

"Annoying how they keep insisting on people abiding by the law," Gulch commented, nodding understandingly.

"You know," Ahamo growled, "I haven't given permission yet..."

"You didn't give Cain permission, either," Azkadellia interjected lest they start fighting again, "He merely asked for your blessing and threatened to elope if you withheld it."

"How do you know..." the Consort began.

"Cain threatened to elope?" Gulch demanded with the oddest expression on his face.

"Well," Az amended fairly, "actually he said DG would likely convince him to do so."

The cop's lips quivered. "She would, too," he murmured with a slight laugh, "Rope ladder," he added obscurely.

Ahamo choked. "Cain, Cain, wherefore art thou Cain?" he orated with dancing eyes.

"A carnie capable of mangling Shakespeare, who would have thought it?" the amused policeman stated with lifted brow.

"I am a man of many talents," the Consort replied humbly. Sighing, he added, "Fine, you have my blessing, if only to keep you from eloping with my daughter."

"Elope nothing," Gulch muttered as the ecstatic Azkadellia launched herself at her father, "she'd probably abduct me. Again."

Finally releasing daddy in order to give mommy a similar crushing embrace while the men exchanged an only mildly grudging handshake, Az then grabbed her Othersider's hand once more and practically danced out of the room. She was going to marry her guard commander after all and they were going to live happily ever after and...

"Well," Gulch said as they made their way down the hall, "all things considered that went pretty-Wah!" he exclaimed in surprise as the eldest princess suddenly tackled him. She probably should have chosen a better place than the top of the stairs.

"Ow," the policeman commented a few crowded moments later as he hit the bottom of the steps with Azkadellia on top of him.

"Sorry, sorry," Az apologized frantically, trying to shift her weight off the cop.

"Easy now," Gulch grunted as she accidentally elbowed him in the ribs, "Shh, it's alright," he added, wrapping a restraining arm around her shoulders, "just calm down and hold still a moment."

"Sorry," she said, subsiding against his chest, "should have warned you."

"It's alright," he replied calmly, "I imagine that's what I get for falling in love with a princess. Oof," he huffed as said princess shot upright abruptly and whipped around to face him.

"What did you say?" she gasped.

"That's what I get for falling in lo-_ulp_," Gulch attempted to repeat only to be interrupted as Az decided to put his lips to better use.

"I could stay like this forever," Azkadellia declared breathlessly several minutes later.

"Really?" the cop replied dazedly, "That would be wonderful but I happen to be bleeding all over your dress."

"What?" she shrieked, shooting up once more. _Oh_, she'd forgotten about his wounds, how _could_ she? And she'd thrown him down the stairs. "We need to get you to Raw."

"Urgh," Gulch opined as she tried to help him up. "You know what? I think I'm just going to lie here a minute," he said, pulling her back down beside him, "I'm sure Raw will find us, he knows I've been stabbed after all."

"Are you sure?" Az inquired anxiously, he was bleeding and...

"Positive."

Chewing her lip indecisively, the eldest princess glanced up the stairs and back to her Othersider. He did look comfortable, sort of, maybe it was best not to move him. "What was the duel about anyhow?" she asked finally, deciding to trust his judgement.

Gulch hesitated a moment. "You know what," he admitted at last, "I have no idea."

Azkadellia stared at him incredulously. _Of all the ridiculous_...she couldn't help but laugh, it was just so _him_. Her Officer.


	57. Just Checking

_Disclaimer: Why don't I own Tin Man? Besides that whole someone else created it thing that is._

_Author's Note: Eight hour bus ride with nothing to do but study and sleep makes animegus farmus write chapter, how lucky for you. On an unrelated note, is the OZ actually a matriarchy or is that a fandomism? Also, to any Kansas folk that might happen to be reading this, about what time of year do you figure it was when DG got pulled into the O.Z. in the miniseries? Why am I asking? Oh, no reason. ;p_

* * *

...

Azkadellia woke at some indeterminable hour with a feeling of peace, contentment, and overwhelming happiness; she didn't trust it, she'd been there before.

Officer Gulch woke shortly thereafter with a yelp, a crash and a general sense of befuddlement. Az told herself that this was because her Othersider truly wasn't a morning person – not that she was entirely sure it was morning – and not because he was being glared at from a distance of about six inches. Fortunately, some reflex had allowed the cop to turn his upwards, potentially head-butting bolt of surprise into a sideways jump and roll, hence the crash as he promptly tumbled out of bed and the lack of painful collision. Well, at least for the eldest princess.

"What did I do now?" the policeman asked blearily.

Straightening up from where she'd been leaning over the bed so that she could peer down at him narrowly, Azkadellia demanded in a neutral tone, "Do you remember what happened yesterday?"

"Vividly," Gulch replied, sitting up rubbing the back of his head and glaring at the corner of his bedside table, "except for the parts that are fuzzy."

"Fuzzy?" Az inquired with an added edge to her voice.

"Well, someone pushed me down the stairs," he replied simply.

"And?" Azkadellia prompted pointedly.

"Raw ordered me to bed on account of someone pushed me down the stairs. That and someone _else_ tried to use me as a pincushion for very big pins," the cop elaborated, experimentally flexing and extending an apparently sore elbow.

"And what happened before that?" the eldest princess queried oh so sweetly.

"Had a duel with Fastidium," her Othersider responded as he tested his previously injured knee.

"And after _that_?" Az huffed in exasperation.

"Got in an argument with Ahamo," the policeman said, casting a comprehensive glance around the room.

"And. _Why. _Did. You. Do. That?" Azkadellia gritted out between clenched teeth.

"Oh," Gulch murmured innocently as he hefted himself to his feet, "I imagine that's because I asked a certain princess to marry me."

Doubtless the cop had been intending to get himself clear of all obstacles before the inevitable response, sadly the ecstatic princess moved too swiftly for him. Catching him off balance in her enthusiasm to his giving the correct, if slightly inaccurate, answer, Az knocked her Othersider backwards into the solid oak wardrobe behind him, the handles of which stole his breath before Azkadellia chose to do so herself. Smiling at him as he gasped for air a few minutes later, the eldest princess hummed, "Just checking," and danced back into her room through the adjoining doorway.

Collapsing onto his bed, massaging bruised kidneys, and watching his intended sashay away, the cop muttered, "Weren't there nails in that door?"


	58. Announcement

_Disclaimer: I have decided that you are all a figment of my imagination, thus what does it matter what I do or do not own? Now excuse me, I've got to go think up some dragons. Oh, and a Tin Man for everyone, I promised the Southern Lady._

_Author's Note: Okay, so once again we have a chapter that I don't like but Quality Control passed – she even did some real editing. Apparently Fastidium slows her down enough that she actually catches some mistakes – if his dialogue wasn't so cumbersome I'd be tempted to use him more often just for that. Alas._

* * *

...

Azkadellia observed the steadily filling galleries with a sense of smug satisfaction. The guards weren't even trying to hide their presence – not that they would have been able to, there were just too many of them. If some hold-out contingent of Longcoats were to attack the palace now they'd have no trouble overcoming what was doubtless the barest skeleton guard currently standing active duty. On the other hand, getting near the Royal Family would be practically impossible as every member of every protection detail, well over three quarters of the palace guard, and even a fair number of the Royal Army were currently swarming the balcony seats. The Council of Lords and Advisors was likely to be even less pleased by the eldest princess' prospective marriage than they had been of the youngest – Cain at least was a prominent figure as a Hero of the Eclipse, Gulch was worse than a political nobody in their eyes. The Royal Guard was there to make sure Old Gulchy was respected, mocking him, after all, was their privilege. The occasion was so momentous that Dawkins had even foregone his usual admission fees, this was serious stuff.

"Do you think," Cain mused under the cover of the buzzing conversation of the puzzled nobles, "that Gulch realizes the guards would be quite willing to perform a coup on his behalf?"

"Only in his worst nightmares if he does," DG muttered out of the corner of her mouth, "Gulch wouldn't know what to do with a kingdom if you handed him one."

"That's okay," Az chimed in from the other side of the Tin Man, "I'd run it for him."

"Run what?" the oddly battered looking cop inquired as he took up his position behind his intended's chair.

"Your hypothetical kingdom, it isn't hard, you just execute everyone who disagrees with you," Azkadellia explained cheerfully.

Cain and Deeg stared at Az in surprise, as did a number of nearby lords and ladies; Gulch blinked. "That's one way to win an argument," he said mildly.

Lip twitching, the Crown Princess pointed out, "You know, Az, that's the kind of joke liable to frighten the masses."

"Shhh," Ambrose interjected as the Royal Herald announced the entrance of the Queen and Consort. The princesses exchanged smiles and shrugs and joined the gathered throng in awaiting the Royal Announcement.

"Ladies and Gentleman," the Consort began sombrely, "I would like to thank you for your support in this solemn hour. I am afraid I have a grave announcement," he orated much to the confusion of the gathered court. His eldest daughter growled quietly while the rest of family – and future family – merely rolled their eyes in exasperated amusement. "Early...really early...far too early yesterday morning, I received an application of sorts for the hand of my eldest daughter," Ahamo continued gravely, causing several nobles who been looking tentatively hopeful regarding certain written requests for permission to court the eldest princess to eye each other suspiciously, "it is with infinite regret that I must inform you that Princess Azkadellia is engaged to marry Officer Gulch, Othersider and _cop_."

Stunned silence met this pronouncement. Above in the gallery the guards leaned forward in eager expectation.

"This absolutely horrendous nightmare must surely be the result of the loathsome, fetid poison that foul cheating blackguard did assault my august person with. I beseech of my fellow nobles to inform mine self that this is merely a nightmarish delirium and auditory mirage produced by what is doubtless a nefarious chemical battering of mine higher brain functions," Lord Fastidium of the puffy eyes entreated of his fellow lords, "verily I implore you."

"What?" several lords inquired.

"He's hoping he's hallucinating," Ambrose supplied.

Gulch snorted, "He would."

"That's Mr. Foul Cheating Blackguard to you," Dawkins informed the horrified nobles from the balcony, "though really you ought to be calling him 'My Lord', of course," he added dryly as Old Gulchy choked, "he'd probably be happy enough with 'sir'."

"I suppose it would be useless to ask why the guards have invited themselves to a Council of Lords?" a northern lord asked in resignation.

"Special assignment," Happy called out cheerfully.

"Well I'm not having it," an advisor griped, "_You_ said that we could use the eldest princess for an advantageous alliance," he added with a glare to a certain Royal Advisor.

"I never said..." Glitch began hastily only to be cut off as Gulch growled, "You're not _using_ her for anything."

"The O.Z. needs a good political alliance," the advisor fired back.

"If there weren't ladies present I could tell where to stick your political alliance..."

"You know," Azkadellia muttered to her sister, "I should probably be fighting my own battle here, but it's just so fun to watch him once he gets going."

"It does make the inner cave woman go _ungh!_" Deeg agreed as she smiled at her husband whose hand had settled reflexively on his gun.

"It's as much his battle as it is yours," the Tin Man informed the princesses conversing across him as he kept an eye on the proceedings, "he's the one they have to learn to respect."

"Because they are so respectful of me," Az pointed out wryly as the argument intensified around them. Several lords had thrown in with the advisor calling for a political alliance while above in the balconies well over a hundred guards checked their weapons.

"Some of them are," DG countered, "the rest, well, you and Gulch can draw lots for who gets to deal with them," she nodded to where a mulish looking cop was barking out a response to the opposed nobles, a certain dangerous gleam in his eye indicating that the Othersider was considering losing his temper.

"Enough!" the Queen's regal voice rang out over the furious din, "Once again I am forced to inform you that this is not a matter for discussion, it is a matter of fact," she continued as the room quieted, "My Azkadellia is to wed Officer Gulch in three months time, we have that long to get the preparations in order."

"But Your Majesty," a lord protested, "this Realm needs..."

"Leaders that it can trust," the Queen finished, cutting him off.

"Eh?" the surprised policeman uttered.

"Leader..._him_? The man's a political disaster!"

Az glared, she'd have said something but it was kind of hard to argue that point.

"And here I was under the impression that you had noticed the guards," Her Royal Majesty said slowly as if explaining something to a very small child, "I'm sure you are aware that Officer Gulch has authority over precisely five of them and yet they are all here on his behalf. If that is not a sign of a good leader I don't know what is."

Azkadellia swivelled around in her seat so that she could look up at her guard commander. As expected, he was in the midst of a bewildered statue impression. He was so adorably oblivious when it came to himself.

"But Your Illustrious and Esteemed Majesty, pray consider the ramifications of...never mind," Fastidium almost opined as he came under the Royal Guards' undivided wolfish scrutiny.

"In that case, now that the matter is settled," the Queen resumed with only the slightest quiver of lip to betray her amusement, "we can move on to more important affairs, such as planning another Royal Wedding."

After a degree of subdued murmuring, the Royal Council turned their reluctant attention towards proposing different venues and assorted suggestions for the upcoming nuptials, most of which the eldest princess had every intention of ignoring. Glancing around, she noted with amusement that the guard seemed disappointed that their intervention hadn't been called for.

"You know," DG whispered excitedly, "this means we have to go dress shopping again."

Gulch and Cain groaned.

"Ooh, she should wear emerald, it would look lovely," a certain Winky ambassador advised, having overheard. Az's hand shot up to grab the cop's hand possessively where it rested on the back of her chair.

"Are you mad?" Deeg demanded, "The dress has to be white."

"Why?" the startled woman asked.

"Yes, Deeg, what is your obsession with white wedding dresses?" her sister inquired.

"Otherside tradition," Gulch broke in flatly, "instilled real early into the heads of little girls so that they will be absolutely terrifying when they grow up. It's supposed to represent the bride's purity or some such nonsense."

A few rows away, one of the older lords snorted derisively, "Purity, _ha!_" Such were the acoustics of the Great Council Chamber that by now everyone had become aware of the side conversation. Several of the assembled nobility looked at their peer with shocked disapproval, some seemed inclined to agree, the guards, meanwhile, shifted forward angrily.

"Yes?" Officer Gulch queried in a deadly quiet tone, "You have something to say?"

The lord blanched. Those advisors that had been present during the assassination attempts months ago took one look at the policeman's impassive face and abruptly shifted as far from the ignorant lord as they could get while those that hadn't were introduced to a whole different side of the bumbling political disaster. Azkadellia figured the way the wood of her chair creaked at the sudden white-knuckled grip of her Othersider didn't reassure them any either.

"Ah, that is, ah," the beleaguered noble stuttered desperately, "j-just clearing my throat..."

"Not feeling well?" the cop inquired with what everyone in the council room considered the most terrifying false sympathy they had ever heard, "In that case I must insist you get some rest. Dawkins," he commanded, "see to it that his lordship gets back to his room alright."

"Yes, sir," Doc replied, snapping to attention with a sharp nod to Grumpy and Sneezy. The three guards took the shortest route possible to the council floor, leaping over the railing and landing in such perfect triangulation that the effect couldn't be anything but extremely intimidating. "After you, your lordship," Dawkins said with infinite steely politeness. The eastern lord didn't dare object to his summary ejection from the council room.

"Gee," DG muttered as the guards escorted the man out, "I do hope that fall he takes down the stairs on the way to his room isn't fatal."

"I beg your pardon?" the eldest princess asked in puzzlement.

"Oh come on Az, don't tell me you haven't figured out that your entire protection detail adores you, they're not gonna let that pass, as well Gulch knows. Speaking of, oie Officer, hey Officer, the enemy has been vanquished, you can stop scaring everybody now."

Azkadellia decided she didn't like the look on her Othersider's face as he turned slowly away from glaring at the rest of the assembled lords and advisors; it was so not like him.

"Planning on throwing that chair at someone?" Deeg asked archly, glancing pointedly at where the cop still maintained a death grip.

"Thought about it," Gulch replied in a thick, growly voice.

"Oh, why didn't you?"

"Azkadellia was sitting in it."

"That might have worked even better – he would have been hit by the chair and then the angry shrieking Azkadellian shrapnel," DG informed him flippantly.

Officer Gulch blinked; the ugly look that had so bothered Az faltered then faded away. "Now that's an image," he murmured with the slightest of smirks, "Thanks DG." Shaking himself, the policeman glanced towards the doors with a worried expression. The eldest princess decided she didn't like it much better than the angry one; he'd been so much more relaxed earlier in the day. She really ought to do something about that.

DG sighed, "You know, Az, the only thing more bothersome than Gulch's rare fits of temper are the times he decides to get all remorseful about losing it. It's such a pain to snap him out of it. I find that a splash of cold water helps...or you could kiss him silly, that could work. Not something that I ever thought of trying, but hey, it's up to you."

"Um, Az, you do remember were in the middle of a council meeting, don't you?" the Crown Princess added in amusement, "You are behaving disgracefully, not that you seem to care."

And, indeed, she didn't. And if her Othersider was the least bothered by the way the chair had been rammed into his ribs, he made no sign of it.


	59. Acceptance

_Disclaimer: Own it not doth I; elsewhere be the owner of Tin Man._

_Author's Note: Currently suffering from a major case of chapter-I-had-to-fix-itis, which is where I have to do major overhauls on a chapter and in the process lose all perspective about whether it is good or not. Quality Control said it was postable, so after much debate I guess I shall let it out in the wild. I think I'm mostly worried about characterization in this one, but then so is Gulch so I guess it evens out. Bookworm Gal, you got your wish._

* * *

...

Azkadellia surveyed her Othersider with an air of exasperated amusement, really, he had the _oddest_ quirks.

"Honestly, sir," Dawkins was telling his troubled looking commander, "I have _no_ idea how he managed to slam his hand in the door like that."

"All we was tryin' ta do was help 'im pack," Grumpy added, "seein' as his gotten the sudden notion ta leave the palace. Said I was sorry for droppin' that trunk on 'is foot and all. Dun know how it happened, must be gettin' old."

"We thought it best to hand him over the Viewer," Doc explained reasonably, "the man's a hazard to himself, tripping over things the way he does. Lucky that bedpost got in the way really, otherwise the lord might have gone right out the window. Raw's got him well in hand, doing a real _thorough_ examination of all the breaks."

"Gotta make sure whether ta bones are actually broken," Grumpy nodded.

Az's eyebrows shot up, who'd have thought Raw had it in him? The entire family seemed mildly impressed, the guard commander, however, was looking even more uneasy.

"Oh come one, Gulch!" DG broke in as the cop's features took on a grim cast, "You can't tell me you're actually upset with them; I mean you had to know full well what was going to happen! And after what he said..."

The policeman's lips set in a firm line. "No," he ground out after a moment, "I'm not angry with _them_."

"Then what is your problem?" Deeg demanded, "If you...oh for pity's sake, don't tell me you're getting all wound up at yourself for _not_ being upset with them."

"Officers of the law aren't supposed to set people up to be assaulted," the Kansas cop ground out.

"Oh god," the Crown Princess exclaimed in exasperation, "Mr. Honest Cop has decided to join us for dinner. You know, Gulch, this is exactly the kind of thing you do that makes people want to superglue you to the furniture."

Every guard in the roomed perked up in hopeful interest as their disgruntled commander muttered warily, "I do believe you promised not to do that again."

"Well maybe if you refrain from inflicting your attacks of conscience on the rest of us I'll manage to keep that promise," DG fired back.

"There is nothing wrong with him trying to live up to his ideals," the eldest princess told her sister defensively.

"Oh not at all," Deeg agreed, "unless you have to put up with him when he's in the middle of a moral struggle. Fortunately I don't," she added brightly, "that's your job now. My advice, do something to distract him."

"In that case," the Queen interjected reasonably, dismissing the guards with a nod and missing the way her youngest daughter was waggling her eyebrows at her eldest, "why don't we return to our meal? What's done is done, I'm sure we'll all feel better once we've eaten."

"I wouldn't count on it," the Consort muttered, poking disconsolately at the vaguely food-like substance on his plate which had been happily abandoned in favour of the guards report.

"I bet the guards are eating better than us," his youngest daughter opined in agreement.

"Only until the leftover baked goods run out," Dawkins assured her on his way out the door.

"Only until... Oie!" DG exclaimed indignantly, swivelling around in her seat to glare at the retreating guards, "Am I to understand that Gulch has been stress-baking and nobody told me?"

"Your Highness was on her honeymoon," the unfortunately on-duty and therefore trapped Happy pointed out hastily as the others made their escape.

"I've been back for week now," the Crown Princess retorted, "so help me if he made cinnamon buns and I missed out on them..."

"You weren't back yet," Gulch interrupted absently, coming to the guard's rescue. "All right, I give up," he added, having concluded a less than enthusiastic examination of his meal, "What _is_ this?" he asked with another questing prod of his fork.

"Assistant Chef's Surprise," Ahamo replied sourly, "Seeing as _someone_ decided to offend the cook's sensibilities with the 'outrageous commandeering of his kitchen and obvious attempt to supersede his position' he decided to see how well we manage without him."

"And you let him get away with that?" the cop asked in surprise.

"We don't really have choice but to put up with the man's foibles," the Consort replied, "he's a genius in the kitchen and not easily replaced."

"Hah!" his youngest daughter broke in once more, "I say we hand the cooking over to Gulch-"

"Oie!" the guard commander protested.

"- that way the man has no choice but to quit sulking or lose his job," DG continued, ignoring him, "Either he realizes he is not as irreplaceable as all that and we get a decent cook again, or he doesn't and we get a true genius in the kitchen. It's a win-win."

"I didn't sign on to be a professional chef-" the Othersider tried again.

"I'm sure it would be a wonderful plan," Ahamo murmured over top of him, "if I was that fond of donuts."

The cop slammed his fork down on the table and stormed out of the room.

"Really dear," the Queen chided while her eldest daughter glared at the Consort, "was that really necessary?"

"Oh come on," her husband replied defensively, "if he can't take one little donut joke I don't see how you think he is going to handle the political arena."

"It's not about the donut, he's not that sensitive," DG told him reprovingly, "but he's had a rough day."

"He's had a rough three weeks," Happy muttered.

"Oh for goodness sake," Ahamo began, incensed, but he was cut off as the policeman in question strode back into the room and thumped a jar down in front of the Consort. The Otherside raised members of the Royal Family froze in shock.

"Is that..?" DG asked in awed tones as she stared at the jar.

"More or less," the cop replied, sitting down and crossing his arms.

"Well father, you issued the challenge," the youngest princess said, though her fingers twitched as if she longed to grab the jar herself.

Ahamo reached out ever so slowly to open the jar and poor some of the strange red sauce within over his meal. Mixing it in thoroughly, the Consort raised a fork-full experimentally to his lips. Azkadellia didn't know what the fuss was about but daddy was savouring the morsel of previously inedible food as if it were the rarest of delicacies.

"Sorry Cain," Ahamo apologized after a moment, "but your place as my favourite son-in-law has just been stolen by the cop that can make ketchup."

Gulch snorted. "Don't worry," he informed the disgruntled looking Consort, "it'll pass."

"One can only hope," Ahamo agreed.

"So are you planning to share that with the rest of us?"

"Possession," the former carnie replied flippantly, "is nine tenths of the law.

"You ought to know," the policeman commented mildly.

"What stolen car?" the Consort queried lightly, sliding the 'ketchup' to his youngest daughter who stared at him with interest.

"I think they were a little more concerned about the drugs in the trunk at the time," Gulch remarked dryly.

"Daddy!"

"As I explained to the little piggies then, if I'd known it was a drug dealer's car I wouldn't have borrowed it."

"Oie!" exclaimed the indignant cop.

"You stole a car?" DG asked in fascination before he could further his objection.

"Among other things," Gulch informed her sardonically, "you should see his rap sheet; it makes for interesting reading – petty, for the most part, but interesting."

"Why on earth have you read my rap sheet?" inquired the slipper Consort.

"It came with the missing person's report the captain gave me after you were spotted inflicting DG upon the Otherside," the cop informed them as Az wished she had any idea what they were talking about.

"And you remember all this over fifteen years later?" Deeg demanded.

"Like I said, it was interesting."

"I didn't think there would be one," Ahamo mused to himself, "Who would have reported me missing?"

"Not important," his prospective son-in-law cut in.

"What? How can it be..?" the Consort protested.

"Not. Important," Gulch emphasized, tapping the knee he'd once hurt trying to climb through a window.

"Oh, ah, right," Ahamo stammered hastily with an anxious glance at his wife, "so how about that Council?"

Az took a moment to wonder how daddy had managed to survive so long in court with deflections as clumsy as that. Fortunately for the Consort, however, the Queen had been preoccupied by thought s of the Council anyway so the matter was allowed to drop. At least until the end of the meal, that is.

"So," Gulch enquired quietly as the door closed behind the Queen, "the bearded lady?"


	60. Bridezilla

_Disclaimer: Me, myself and I do not own Tin Man, currently searching to see if any of my other personalities do._

_Author's Note: I hereby dedicate this chapter to fancyfarmer who has nobly sacrificed herself to my muse by volunteering to draw me the pictures I am unable to draw for myself. The first pic I requested is already done and uploaded on her account on deviantart (she has a link on her profile that leads to her deviantart page) and is entitled 'Otherside Vacation'. I think I should warn you now that at present there is no story to go behind the picture; it was just this amusing image I got in my head while writing this story. So don't go asking me when I'm going to get around to writing the story, because there isn't one and I mean it. *glares at certain reviewers – you know who you are* It is, however, very much a Gulch Verse picture so hopefully it will be worth the thousand words I'm not giving you. Anyhoo, if you decide to take a look that would be great (and if you should happen to decide to leave her a comment that would be even better because I know she'll appreciate it). Thanks again fancyfarmer for my pic, your next project should be arriving in your inbox soonish. Eheheheheheh._

_PS In the way of fun coincidences, it is terribly apropos that this should be the chapter I dedicate to fancyfarmer, for a reason that I am certain that daughterofthe1king shall enjoy. All I can say is: wish granted._

* * *

...

Azkadellia was a force to be reckoned with: she was the eldest princess of the O.Z., the second strongest light in the Realm, fifteen years the apprentice to one the oldest – albeit evilest – magical beings in the history, and an absolute and confirmed terror when crossed. So if the Royal Tailors didn't stop insisting she wear their so-called latest fashion monstrosity that certainly could not be adjusted to the eldest princess' taste because _they_ were the experts she was going to visit her wrath down upon their heads, she was going to make their doom one that the history books shuddered to mention, she was going to-

"Easy there, Bridezilla," a voice murmured into her ear.

-melt into a puddle of goo as her intended wrapped his arms around her from behind.

"No need to annihilate the minions just yet," Officer Gulch continued as his bride-to-be relaxed against him, "I'm sure this can be worked out in a calm and reasonable manner."

"They've been insisting that I wear this dress, the whole dress and nothing but this dress for over an hour now," Az informed him petulantly.

"Oh, well you can't wear this dress," the policeman stated matter-of-factly.

"Eh?" the Royal Princess and Tailors exclaimed in surprise, "why not?"

"Because I've seen it now," the cop explained, "Otherside tradition of great import: the groom can't see the bride's dress before the wedding, major bad juju – why do you think DG was so adamant that Cain be kept away anytime she had hers out?"

"Oh," Az said with a dawning triumphant grin as the Royal Tailors snatched the erstwhile wedding dress away lest the bad juju contaminate their works, "well I guess we'll just have to start all over again," turning back to her 'minions', Azkadellia gleefully prepared to do battle. This was _her_ wedding, storms take it, she was going to wear the dress _she_ wanted to wear. She may not know what that was yet, but when she did she'd tell them, and if they didn't get it right she was going to...

...

Daddy was not happy, not happy at all. In fact he seemed rather incensed; this was evident from the way he'd just slammed through the palace doors.

"Gulch!" Ahamo barked as he stormed over to where his daughter and her Othersider were strolling about the gardens, "I need a word with you regarding your orders to the Royal Tailors. This," he growled waving a piece of parchment under the cop's nose, "is a blatant misuse of your recently bestowed powers and I'm telling you I won't stand for it!"

"Really?" his future son-in-law replied in the blandest of tones, "And here I thought the Queen wanted me to get a little practice with my new responsibilities before they become official. I figured the collaboration went quite well, the guards have all declared the new uniforms to be infinitely more comfortable and it was the tailors that insisted on the colour change – said grey-brown was too plain. I was merely compromising."

"_You!_" the Consort choked out, fury overcoming his ability to speak as several of Azkadellia's protection walked past sporting their new uniforms; they looked sharp in what DG had described as their 'police blues'.

...

Azkadellia needed a break. There were far too many idiots posing as advisors who seemed to think they had some great insight into what the eldest princess truly wanted in her wedding. If one more person dared argue with her regarding the location of her wedding she was going to make them test Glitch's latest invention over the Crack in the O.Z. Seeing as Cain had almost shot the headcase just for showing it to DG, the thing had to be dangerous so...was that her Othersider?

Whipping around to stare out the window, Az discovered it was not just Gulch she'd seen out of the corner of her eye, it was Gulch _and_ Kansas. They looked so adorable together...The advisors kept talking for a full fifteen minutes before they'd even realized the eldest princess had vanished.

Dawkins figured Old Gulchy handled the flying princess hug attack pretty well, heck, if he hadn't had to catch the suddenly displaced mobat the guard commander probably wouldn't have even fallen. Quick work the way he juggled the infant rapidly from one hand to the next as he was born over backwards to crash-land into the shrubbery.

There was a momentary pause as the eldest princess giggled her apologies, then her Othersider managed to wheeze, "No, Kansas, we are _not _doing that again."

...

Both princesses looked a bit sheepish as they peeped upwards to where the Kansas cop stood at the top of the steps, arms folded over his chest, and eyebrows raised expectantly as he surveyed their escort. The tin men were keeping a respectful distance from Cain and avoiding anything that might approach near proximity to DG, so they were mostly crowded near Azkadellia. Which almost made it appear like they'd come along to make sure the eldest princess made it back safely rather than to keep everyone else out of harm's way as they made sure the Tin Man followed their strong suggestion (or pleading, as it were) to return to the palace.

"Are you going to tell me what happened or do I not want to know?" Gulch asked at last as the tin men continued to watch Cain warily.

"Oh, you know," Deeg said lightly, "a crowded bazaar, shopping princesses, obviously and extremely dangerous young men in the wrong place at the wrong time..."

"...Tin Man with a gun," the cop nodded understandingly, "much chaos to follow – did you at least find what you were looking for?"

"Oh yes," Az trilled skipping forward to tuck her hands under his elbow, "and the nice young merchant promised to have it delivered just as soon as his porters regain consciousness."

"Well at least that's something," her Othersider muttered in relief, "I don't get it," he continued as he turned to lead the way into the palace, "if he can manage to get you all through a shopping trip on the Otherside without incident, why can't he here where at least you all know the rules?"

Behind his back, the princesses exchanged guilty looks while the Tin Man pretended he didn't know what they were talking about.

...

Az had to admit, her sister had been right, Gulch was the perfect solution to this particular problem. She'd been arguing for days against a full escort for the duration of her honeymoon without making any progress given their very reasonable point regarding the possibility of unknown dangers. Her Othersider, however, was plenty stubborn enough to bull through this kind of thing, seeing as he truly believed that a honeymoon was for a man and his wife, not a man, his wife and her protection detail. Not to mention, he pointed out strenuously, that he'd proven equal to all kinds of unknown dangers – at least to him – he would be perfectly capable of taking care of Azkadellia in...

"Kansas," she supplied for him.

"Kansas," he asserted firmly, "Wait, Kansas?" the cop repeated blankly, "You want to honeymoon in _Kansas_."

"I've never been to the Otherside," Dawkins stated with interest.

"You're not coming," his commander growled back immediately, forgetting the destination instantly in favour of his original debate, "I'm not taking the Peanut Gallery with me on my honeymoon!"

"Aw, but sir..."

"Come on Ol – er, Gulch..."

"Could be interestin'..."

"NO!"

...

Azkadellia watched the Winky as she moved about the garden party with narrowed eyes. The engagement had been announced long since, and the ambassador had been there so she had to know that the Othersider was now spoken for and off limits, but that didn't stop Az from being vigilant against encroachers nonetheless.

"Something wrong, dear?" Gulch asked as she stiffened beside him.

"Oh nothing," she muttered, "it's just that that Winky ambassador is here..."

"Who?"

"The Winky ambassador," DG chimed in, "You know the woman that has been trying to pick you up for weeks?"

"Eh?" the startled cop exclaimed, staring at them in utter bafflement.

Deeg giggled, "See Az, no need to worry, Gulch doesn't notice anything short of a full out marriage demand."

"I don't know who you are talking about," the cop complained, his brows furrowed in concentration.

"She tried to dance with you at Deeg's wedding reception," the eldest princess prompted curiously.

"Oh, the woman Kansas was so rude to," the policeman said in sudden recognition, "she was just interested in mobats is all."

DG rolled her eyes in amused exasperation. "I rest my case," she murmured.

"She talked to you for over an hour at that soiree a few weeks back," Azkadellia reminded him.

"You mean the one where you were still mad at me?" Gulch queried in puzzlement, "I didn't talk to anyone, just leaned against a pillar until you left early and I follow-_oof_," he gasped, stumbling back a few steps but managing to keep his balance as he compensated for the sudden weight that was a princess overjoyed that he truly hadn't noticed any other woman but her.

...

The eldest princess didn't get it. She'd noticed since their engagement and subsequent marriage that DG had continued to call the Tin Man by his last name as had always been her wont. Cain continued to be Cain to Deeg, except for on rare occasions where she was feeling particularly angry...or quite the reverse. This had the effect of allowing the youngest princess, with the simple utterance of _Wyatt_, to instantly cow the Tin Man, or alternately, wrap the man completely around her littlest finger with only the bare modicum of effort.

Az had been much struck by this, and, in an effort to achieve the same result with her lawman, she refrained from calling Gulch by his first name except on carefully selected occasions. Unfortunately it did not seem to be having the same effect, in fact, her Othersider just seemed extremely confused, not to mention wary, every time she called him Officer...and she really wanted to know what daddy seemed to think was so incredibly funny.

...

"Storm's coming! A storm is coming!" Happy shouted in half-laughing but growing alarm as he raced through the halls of Finaqua Palace, "Everybody run!"

The maid who'd been in the midst of straightening of picture with the aid of a helpful footman took one look at the eldest princess who was storming up the hall after the guard and followed his advice. The footman was right behind her as they scampered for the nearest exit.

Behind them all, Azkadellia growled in frustration. The quick trip to Finaqua in order to finalize the location of her wedding ceremony had become one big failure the moment the Viewers had informed her that her wedding day was going to be – while sunny – uncomfortably cold. Which meant that none of the outdoor settings Az had selected previously were an option, and there just wasn't a room in the palace that could compare. Vacillating dangerously between aggravated fury and disappointed tears, the eldest princess almost considered changing venues, but she _wanted_ to have her wedding at Finaqua and...

Ahead of her a door slammed as her on-duty guard fled through it, then slowly creaked open again as Happy called out tentatively, "Um, Your Highness? You might want to take a look at this."

Az sincerely doubted at this point that she wanted to take a look at anything, but as royalty wasn't supposed to have temper tantrums in front of their subjects she decided she'd best see what he was going on about. "What?" she asked sullenly upon catching up.

In answer, the guard merely threw open the door he'd been holding. Azkadellia gasped, her eyes widening in sudden wonder and delight. How had she forgotten about this place? Daddy had had it built for mommy just before..._before_ – thoughts came to a gentle halt in the eldest princess' mind as she stepped quietly into a room she hadn't entered in over fifteen years. Except for where it shared walls with the rest of the palace, the Crystal Conservatory's walls and high ceiling were made entirely of glass, specially designed so that they shimmered in the sun just like the magical waters of the lake. The plants grown within had gone a little wild with neglect but that was easy enough to remedy. It was just so...so _perfect_.

"Happy!" the eldest princess shrieked in delight, as she pulled a DG, "You're the best!"

Having learned from observation, the guard braced himself for impact and reflected philosophically that 'Happy' was infinitely better than 'Grumpy' or 'Bashful'.

...

Azkadellia really wanted to know what the kitchen had against magic. Really, that should have been no different than spinning a doll so _why_ exactly did the mixing bowl have to insist on blowing up like that? Glancing up, she noticed Gulch was blinking his way out of his surprise at the sudden batter explosion as Grumpy hesitantly peered out from behind the counter from whence he'd taken cover the moment the guard commander had handed the princess the whisk. Cookie dough was splattered all over the kitchen, the bowl had been obliterated and the whisk was now imbedded in the far wall.

"Hn," her Othersider commented as his intended stared anxiously up at him...then he slowly leaned forward a licked a spattering of batter off the tip of her nose.

Az temporarily forgot how to breathe; the cop was rather covered with sugary, chocolate-y goodness at the moment, she noticed, someone really ought to do something about that.

"Oh come on!" Grumpy groused disgustedly a few frantic moments later as he discovered that several wedges of mixing bowl shrapnel had sunk deep into the doorframe, nailing the door shut and blocking his escape.

...

The eldest princess was seriously considering a change of her guard, it was her one clear thought at the moment: neither Sneezy nor Doc seemed to be doing a very good job. The whole point of a night guard was to prevent room invasions after all, and Dawkins had been temporarily installed in the adjoining room – despite extreme protest from both guard and princess – for extra security, so how was it that not one, but _two_ people had managed to get into her room undetected?

"Psst Az, hey Az!" the first assailant hissed, prodding the defenceless princess mercilessly. Az groaned in protest, the first moon hadn't even set yet. "Oh come on, Az, wake up, it's important!"

"Shoot her," Azkadellia ordered the shadows sleepily. She couldn't see the Tin Man but she knew he was there somewhere.

A ghost of a laugh drifted through the room from an entirely different direction than she'd expected. "'Fraid I can't do that, Highness," Cain murmured apologetically.

"Never mind shooting me," DG's whisper cut in, "Az, do you remember what we did with Gulch's keys?"

"Whu?" the eldest princess slurred incomprehensively.

"Gulch's house keys, what did we do with them?"

"Couldna you hav' ashked me dat when I wash awake?" Azkadellia demanded indignantly.

"I didn't think of it earlier, and we have to be back before anyone notices we're gone," Deeg explained unsatisfactorily.

"Why?" her big sister asked suspiciously.

"It's a secret."

That wasn't a real answer, but the eldest princess' sleep deprived brain informed her that the sooner they got rid of the annoying sibling the sooner they could go back to sleep. "Dinna we leave 'em wif the truck?" Az mumbled after a minute.

"Oh. Crap," Deeg breathed in horror, "His truck."

"Reckon he'll notice?" the Tin Man rumbled speculatively.

"Naw, I'm sure it won't occur to him to wonder why his truck isn't in the garage," the youngest princess fired back sarcastically, "Just like he won't do anything to find out what happened to it. Well, never mind that now. Don't worry Az, we'll take care of it," DG assured her with a pat.

"Otay," Azkadellia informed her pillow as Cain and DG slipped out of her room however they had gotten in. She almost wished she knew what they were ta-talk...ing...a...bouzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

...

Bashful, Azkadellia decided, had talent. He had _a lot_ of talent; she'd never seen a portrait so lifelike, it was as if Gulch's glaring eyes were following you about the room, tracking for threats. And the detail...shame he'd insisted on that strategically placed assassin in the foreground, though she could understand how the guard would feel uncomfortable with painting that particular hidden feature. The advantage to this was that she could actually hang the commemorative portrait in a semi-public place.

Beside the eldest princess, the youngest fell out of her chair from laughing so hard. Az wished Deeg could at least _attempt_ to comport herself with some semblance of decorum at her big sister's Gifting Ceremony. And could someone get some cough drops for Cain or something? He sounded like he was choking. Her Othersider, meanwhile, seemed frozen in place, one hand still suspended in the air with the handful of wrapping paper he'd ripped away locked in his rigid grip. Bashful shifted anxiously, watching his commander warily.

"_Thank you_," Azkadellia uttered gratefully, "It's even better than I imagined." He'd captured Gulch's grand entrance to the assassination attempt so well.

The policeman regained the use of his arms as he ever so slowly lowered the scrap of paper he was holding, smoothed it out and started scribbling on the back. "_Here," _he growled thrusting it at the guard.

Bashful sighed, "How long?"

"Until you get to the end," the guard commander replied flatly.

The guard looked down at the paper and blanched. Lifting one foot in resignation, he hoped backwards off the dais and down the aisle.

"This is the song that never ends..."


	61. Bachelorette

_Disclaimer: For today's disclaimer I would like to go with a theological approach: assuming a great omnipotent being created the universe and everything in it, how can a mere mortal person claim ownership of anything?_

_Author's Note: This is a bit shorter than it would have been, seeing as some scenes just don't work from Azkadellia's perspective. I hope no one is too badly disappointed. Oh, and KLCtheBookworm, don't shoot me, I stand by my stance in our previous discussion, you may or may not remember what I mean but there it is. I bounced around in time a bit, hopefully it worked out better this time than last time I tried that - I did my best to make the timeline clear and Quality Control corrected what she felt were problem spots. And I apologize to those the ending (of chapter, not story) makes squeamish - it's the insanity what done it._

* * *

...

Azkadellia wasn't entirely sure she approved of these Otherside traditions. The whole white wedding dress thing was harmless enough, and the bouquet toss could, in theory, be considered fun, providing one took the time to explain it properly, but this whole the groom can't see the bride idea that meant she couldn't see Gulch for another...twelve hours twenty-three minutes and seventeen seconds – that _long_, had time _stopped_ – was beyond ridiculous. If Az weren't so dead set on ensuring absolutely nothing had a chance of messing up her wedding she never would have put up with it. And then there were these bachelor/bachelorette parties DG had insisted were so all-fired important...

Well, truth be told, she'd quite enjoyed her bachelorette – when she wasn't worrying about the fact that Gulch was off drinking somewhere unsupervised that is. Sure she'd decreed he do so, it was an important Otherside custom after all, but she did wish they could have sent a guard with him. As did Dawkins for that matter, the former resistance fighter had been convinced that Old Gulchy plus the drunken lord equalled a good time that was being had somewhere else. Aside from that nagging doubt, however, she'd had a wonderful time, despite the fact that her ladies night out was rather lacking in ladies. Deeg had tried, once she'd gotten back from arranging her old Menace's party, to convince a few of the court ladies to join the eldest princess' stagette, unfortunately the only one who seemed able to attend was a certain Winky ambassador, which was less than acceptable. Az couldn't fathom what had possessed her sister to invite the encroacher. Luckily DG had had the happy notion to correct this gross error in judgement and obligingly drunk the woman under the table right at the offset, as any good Matron of Honour should. Had Az not been completely unwilling to risk being hung-over on her wedding day she'd have undertaken the task herself.

In the end it was the guards that solved the whole guest dilemma. Deciding that the two full protection details Cain had insisted accompany the princesses was far more than necessary, especially considering they all knew darn well that the Tin Man would be following them anyway, they drew lots to split themselves into Their Highnesses' Guards and Their Highnesses' Guests. Dawkins considered it adding insult to injury that it should fall to him to help shepherd his fellow guards through what turned out to be a darned good time indeed. Azkadellia thought it was positively hilarious how the Tin Man tried to hide the fact that he was lurking in their wake, especially given that Cain-spotting had become the O.Z.'s newest drinking game. The whole group participated; Their Highnesses' Guards may never need fear Otherside osteoporosis again as they downed milk shot after milk shot alongside the eldest princess of the Realm.

The evening had, in fact, turned into what DG'd called a 'Right Shindig', especially after that poor unfortunate soul had had the clumsy audacity to bump into Grumpy's elbow just as the Gillikin was taking a drink. Their Highnesses' Guest took instant umbrage to the shameful waste of perfectly good Northern Ale in a manner that sent the offender crashing into a nearby table of assorted beverages, the owners of which also had a strong opinion on the matter of proper treatment of home brewed. In the chaos that ensued, as Their Highnesses' Guests went to their fellow guard's aid while Their Highnesses' Guards formed a defensive perimeter around their charges, Az couldn't help but be impressed by how Cain managed to do his bit without ever coming in sight. In fact, he was all the more terrifying for it, as the sight of the brawlers that got near DG vanishing abruptly into the shadows only to be tossed shortly back into the fray unconscious was decidedly unnerving. On the whole, the eldest princess found that bar fights were strangely invigorating, fun even, she could almost understand why her Othersider kept getting in them. Though she had to admit, it was probably more enjoyable for those that had guards along to ensure they didn't get bruised and battered...

The fight came to a sudden and dramatic stop the second the thought crossed her mind and the combatants found themselves magically flung to opposite sides of the room. The eldest princess was_ not_ going to have her guards black, blue, and bloody on her wedding day!

The tavern keeper, it turned out, was also not having something – he was _not_ having them in his bar anymore. So at fourteen hours five minutes and thirty-six seconds until she could be seen by Gulch again, Azkadellia and party had just made their way back to the palace for a good night's sleep – at least that was Az's plan – only to discover what the bachelor party had been up to in the meantime: fun things, like trying to drop the groom off a second story roof. Someone was going to pay for that.

"Come on, Az," Deeg protested from where she sat on their mother's bed with twelve hours twenty-two minutes and sixteen seconds to go, "it wasn't that bad!"

The eldest princess glared at her sister; at fourteen hours two minutes and fifty-eight seconds left Officer Gulch had lost his grip on the eaves trough, requiring Az perform her own shadow work lest she be widowed before she'd even gotten married. And she'd almost been too late, too, because her inebriated sibling was stuck on the notion that the cop wasn't allowed to see his bride – he could have _died_.

"I mean," DG continued insistently, "we got him off the roof just fine, no harm done."

No _harm_, at thirteen hours fifty-eight minutes and forty-four seconds the youngest princess' ineptitude at magic had resulted in extremely illegal hand placements when the policeman had shot back to full size whilst still in her hands. Azkadellia would have liked to point out that under vaguely similar circumstances she had kept _her_ hands off of Cain's butt. If she hadn't been too busy hyperventilating over the near loss of her intended combined with having just sprinted up two flights of stairs in a fairly restrictive corset, Az would have had a thing or two to say about that.

"Anyway, the fall probably wouldn't have killed him, Gulch bounces pretty well."

And just what was _that_ supposed to mean?

"And Cain is keeping an eye on him now so he should be fine," DG finished reasonably.

He also had Dawkins following him. Azkadellia may not have been able to breathe as Deeg hauled her away to spend quality time with their mother, but it had only taken a pointed look to send the former resistance fighter circling back to trail after the bachelor party. Doc couldn't be trusted to keep Gulch _out_ of trouble, but he could be counted on to ensure it wasn't fatal trouble – he wasn't about to lose his favourite source of entertainment after all.

"Look at it this way," Deeg wheedled, bringing her pleading blue-eyed street urchin gaze to bear, "he's having himself an adventure."

Meeting her sister's eyes with her own patented look of death, the eldest princess hissed, "I don't mind when your adventures get me in trouble, but I will _not_ have them getting Gulch in trouble."

"Bit late for that," the former Kansas farm girl replied candidly, "my adventures have been getting him in trouble for years."

"_You..."_

"Alright that's enough you two," the Queen broke in, "I didn't spend the last hour trying to sober up my drunken angel just so the two of you could spend the rest of the night bickering. Now," she continued, settling herself down on the bed between her daughters, "I asked you to come visit me tonight for a reason. I hope you aren't upset, DG, that I didn't do this for you, but your father assured me that they handle everything as a part of your education system – a novel idea that – your sister, however, hasn't had the benefit of an Otherside upbringing, and this being the night before her wedding..."

"Wait a second!" Deeg blurted out in dawning horrified comprehension, "Don't tell me you're...tell me this isn't...Mother you're _not_ giving us the sex talk are you? No wonder father fled the second he saw us coming. I've been married for months! They taught us all the basics in sixth grade! I'm good, no talk necessary!"

"Yes, my angel, but your sister hasn't..."

"Tell you what, let Gulch tell her! I'm sure he can...oh god! The Menace and sex in the same thought... Unwanted. Mental. Image. Mother I need you to erase my memories again," DG wailed.

"Really DG," her mother chided, "can't you be a little less juvenile..."

"At the moment I don't think I can," the youngest princess averred, "the best thing about having sex ed. as part of the curriculum is that millions of teens get to avoid having this awkward conversation with their parents. I can't _believe_ it's come back to haunt me in my twenties. Seriously, let Gulch handle it. The man's almost forty, I'm sure he...he...oh gak, bad thought's back again, this is just so wrong. On the other hand," Deeg murmured with a slight smirk, "I'd love to see the look on his face when she asked him. Poor Gulch. Worst. Wedding Night. Ever."

"Honestly DG," the Queen began, "when your father and I got married..."

"That won't be necessary," Azkadellia interrupted hastily, she'd only allowed the conversation to go on this long because it had seemed a suiting punishment for the 'adventure' Deeg had sent Gulch on, but if mommy was about to start talking about her wedding night with daddy... "I learned the basics while I was possessed by the witch."

The blood drained from the Queen's face. "Y-you don't mean...She didn't...?" she asked tremulously.

"No, no," Az assured her hurriedly, "Not anything like that, neither half of the Sorceress would have wanted or trusted anyone that near her. I just meant, well, anyone with eyes and a pack of mobats can figure out...Kansas, of course, shall have better manners," she added primly.

"Well," DG commented wryly, "that's an image that's going to stick for a while." Shaking her head, she added thoughtfully, "You know, Az, you might want to find a way to let Gulch know...you know."

"You think the thought has bothered him?" Azkadellia queried, raising a brow.

"Given that you could hardly have been considered a consenting party at the time I should imagine the thought has bothered him a great deal," the Otherside raised princess informed her, "Being a cop and all, the idea is bound to have occurred to him. I wouldn't be surprised if it ranks high on his list of nightmares."

"I see," Az hummed, digesting this. For a moment there she'd thought DG's been implying that the policeman was entertaining similar ideas regarding her 'purity' as the nobles; put in that perspective, however, she imagined that there was a certain northern lord lucky to be alive. Her Officer had a bit of temper where the wellbeing of those he cared about was concerned. "Well," she said after a minute, tabling the subject for later contemplation, "now that that's all cleared up, what shall we talk about?"

"Would you like to hear about how your father and I met?" their mother suggested, her colour returning to normal as the knowledge that her eldest daughter had escaped at least one danger unscathed.

"As long as you aren't sneaking anymore wedding night tips into the conversation," her youngest offspring replied suspiciously.

Laughing, the Queen launched into an oft told tale that one daughter remembered fondly and the other not at all.

_Eleven hours twenty-two minutes and seventeen seconds to go..._


	62. Happily Ever After

_Disclaimer: You'd think after sixty-some chapters my lack of ownership would be fairly evident..._

_Author's Note: This was SUPPOSED to be the last chapter. I was SUPPOSED to be done, but nooooo, Azkadellia had to go and pull a chapter split on me, why am I even surprised. Oh well, I'm going to say it: almost there..._

* * *

...

Azkadellia sat contemplating her bouquet while nervous butterflies danced and flitted about in her stomach. Her Othersider had spent the previous morning gathering the blooms under the watchful eye of one amateur botanist guard. Az didn't know what was sweeter, that Gulch had gone out of his way to procure the flowers himself, or that Grumpy had gone along to make sure that he got the right ones. Not that the Gillikin would much appreciate being called sweet, he was still grousing under the gleeful ribbing he was receiving at the hands of his comrades who'd only recently learned of his secret hobby.

Smiling, the eldest princess caressed the blooms lightly. There was a flower for every member of her family: the whitish grey and pink aptly named balloon flowers for daddy, a few desert roses for mommy, the star-shaped ice blue larkspurs for Cain, a riot of irises for DG, and, much to Deeg's amusement, a veritable plethora of wild flowers that Gulch couldn't seem to resist picking up along the way to provide colour. Once a country boy, always a country boy, the youngest princess had noted; Az had decided these stood for 'assorted others'. The focal point of the bouquet, however, was the brave little flower she'd discovered during her first, er, attempted engagement. Shadow's Dawn, Grumpy had called it, with its fern-like leaves for confidence and shelter and the watchfulness and faithfulness of blue so dark at its circular of inner petal center that slowly bled out to white at the edges of it six-pointed star of affection returned. There were other meanings attached to the leaves and shape of the flower but these she thought suited Gulch best – she infinitely regretted informing her sister of the others. The youngest princess had no sooner discovered that the flower also stood for love me or desire for affection returned than she started running around yelling, "Love me, loooooooove me!" Fortunately the Tin Man had been more than happy to comply which had shut her up nicely, even if everyone else had to flee the room forthwith.

"Az, dear," Ahamo's voice broke in on her musings, "it's time."

The butterflies in her stomach instantly headed north to teach themselves how to two-step in her lungs, making it somewhat of a challenge for Azkadellia to breathe.

"It's not too late to back out," the Consort told her hopefully, "I have my balloon out back prepared for a quick getaway."

Sending the butterflies skittering aside on a breath of laughter, Az hopped up to give him a peck on the cheek. "Silly daddy," she murmured serenely.

Ahamo sighed. "That's what I was afraid of...shall we?" he asked, holding out his arm.

"We shall," his little girl replied, tucking a hand into the crook of his elbow.

Music drifted out to greet them as they wended their way through the halls of Finaqua Palace to the Crystal Conservatory. The formerly possessed princess had never told anyone this, but sometimes when she looked she saw the burnt-out remains of the palace superimposed over its remade walls. Not today, however, today she saw only the ghostly images of two little princesses dancing through the corridors, carefree and happy. Even the tin suits lined up at the back of the room had no power to disturb her – Cain had actually managed to arrange them so that they looked like some sort of bizarre honour guard. The butterflies took to dancing along her bloodstream as the music changed to the traditional bridal melody and she glanced up to see her favourite bewildered statue staring right back at her. She couldn't help but smile; when he smiled in return the butterflies poofed right out existence and the eldest princess floated the rest of the way down the aisle on the cloud they left behind.

The Tin Man diligently performed his duty as Best Man as he nudged the groom in the ribs and muttered, "Breathe," then shoved the cop gently forward so that the Diocesan of Light could begin.

Az stored every precious detail of her ceremony away in her memory: the way the light shimmered around them as it sparkled off the crystal walls, the way lilting cadences of the age old ritual took on an almost musical quality, the funny way Gulch looked at the diocesan when he said the cop's name – she was going to have to ask him about that later – the way the braided cord of woven brown silk and insistently donated mobat hair, entwined with copper wire and beaded crystals glistened before vanishing in a flicker of light, and then finally...

"You may kiss the bride."

Well accustomed to this by now, the groom didn't falter in the slightest as the bride flung herself into his arms with her usual enthusiasm, merely shifting his weight expertly on an already widened stance and obeyed orders with fervour.

From there on out, the wedding flew past in a mosaic of brightly coloured snapshots. She prepared to shuffle to the Wizards Waltz only to discover that Gulch had had DG teach him the steps in their spare time. Az was still beaming so hard over that she practically glowed when Ahamo claimed her for his father-daughter dance, causing sentimental daddy to get so choked up he actually _hugged_ the cop when he came to reclaim his bride. Azkadellia was sure they'd each recover from that someday. With Cain she two-stepped, with Jeb it was the Otherside Shuffle, Dawkins scandalized the gathered nobles by teaching her the resistance fighter's fireside jig, and the rest of her guards completed the outrage by following his example. Gulch cut in on Glitch as the opening bars of 'Fishin' in the Dark' drifted across the dance floor and refused to relinquish his wife thereafter. Her bouquet was caught by a horrified Viewer who promptly shoved it into DG's hands and backed away hurriedly with a frightened expression on her face, something the eldest princess sympathized with the moment her garter snagged on young Lord Fonteroy's tin suit. One had to admit, that was a daunting prospect.

Many hugs and smiles, happy tears and laughter, a moment and an eternity later, Azkadellia and her Officer bid farewell to their family and made their way out into the night and towards their future. Funny how instead of bells she heard the resounding sound of a click, when had he gotten his hands on those?

Officer Gulch's smile held a hint of smugness, a hint of mischief, and a hint of something else entirely as he leaned forward and murmured, "My turn."

Oh well, worked for her.


	63. Heartbeat

_Disclaimer: Verily I say onto you that I doth not own the miniseries or the characters that I didn't happen to create, alas and woe._

_Author's Note: I'm doooooooooone! Yup, that's right folks, this is the last chapter. Absolute last and I mean it. Why? 1) It's called 'The Courting of Officer Gulch', once they're married they are no longer courting now are they? 2) Side character musing has gotten completely out of hand, and 3) Quality Control has threatened to quit if this story goes on any longer (Azkadellia has a far too alarming tendency towards mush for her liking). I can't lose QC and, frankly, it's been 63 chapters! Muse and I are a little exhausted here. For those of you who are terribly upset by this: console yourselves with thoughts of point 2. Beware the Winky._

* * *

...

Azkadellia went to sleep that night wrapped in the arms of her Othersider, listening as the sound of his heartbeat lulled her into the realm of dreams. Hovering for a moment in that delightfully peaceful place between waking and sleep, assured that this time no intrusive beings would interrupt – not even that strange Bentley person that dared to call himself Officer – the eldest princess marvelled at the miracle that had been bestowed upon her. Less than a year ago she had been the shunned and despised former Sorceress, distrusted and feared, to whom happiness was a memory and friends a rarity. And now...Az hummed in contentment as she traced a lazy finger across the back of one of Gulch's hands, causing him to tighten his arms around her reflexively.

It was almost unbelievable that she hadn't recognized him for what he was the moment he stepped out of his cruiser and into her life. He had disguised himself so cleverly, seemingly so unimportant, but with so little time and effort the policeman had become the center of her universe, and, wonder of wonders, with a bit more time and – considerably more – effort, she had become the center of his. What were the odds that of all the people in the Otherside, DG should happen to drag back the very one that Azkadellia needed? Actually, it wasn't that surprising considering Deeg had a habit of bumping into just who she needed when she needed them. And Officer Gulch – who's name, it turned out, was actually Elmer – had a habit of doing his duty with a dogged determination, even if he had to slip between universes to do it. If he happened to crash through invisible prison walls and mend a broken princess while he was at it, well, that was her _Officer..._

...because she wasn't calling him Elmer. The Otherside town could keep their Elmer Gulch – figuratively speaking – he seemed to be a strange being that could be mistaken for being in love with DG. _Officer_ Gulch, however, could only be horrified at the notion, not to mention adorably cute in his flustered insistence that he was no such thing. Maybe a little too flustered as it had taken her some time to reassure him that she was not mad; in fact, in the end she'd had to tackle him, after which it hadn't been so difficult to shift his thoughts to a more agreeable subject.

No, the eldest princess thought, running a hand lightly over the elbow he'd bruised on the bedside table upon landing, she was not calling him Elmer. Officer was a good name, and it was the one she'd married him by; if mommy could completely rename daddy upon his arrival in the O.Z. – Az actually had no idea what Ahamo's Otherside name was – then there was no reason Azkadellia couldn't make a small adjustment to her Othersider's, all she had to do was swear DG to secrecy and the deed was done. Gulch had admitted he liked Officer better anyway.

Decision made, the princess snuggled up closer to the cop that had wrapped himself around her and slipped quietly into a contented sleep. She really did pity the Otherside its loss...

..._Azkadellia was in the cave again. Her shoes tapped lightly along the rocky floor, sending pitter-pattering echoes skittering down the tunnel as she approached the broken carving at its end. The witch's malicious cackling faltered then fell silent as the eldest princess calmly stepped into the cavern that had been her prison and seated herself comfortably on one of the boulders._

_"Hello," she said._

_The witch blinked at her._

_"I just thought I'd let you know that I am done being haunted by you," the eldest princess informed her old tormentor serenely, "seventeen years is long enough, two years longer than strictly necessary as a matter of fact."_

_"What makes you so brave all of a sudden, little witch?" the spectre of her past rasped malevolently._

_Az tilted her head to the side. "Do you hear that?" she asked, listening to the steady thrum that resounded throughout the cavern, "That is the heart of a good man, one that has promised to love and protect me, one to whom you are of absolutely no consequence."_

_The witch laughed derisively. "You expect him to protect you? From me?" she demanded sceptically._

_"I imagine he'll try, he does seem determined to do so, and I should warn you, he is a fairly stubborn man when he sets his mind to something," Azkadellia replied confidently._

_"You think to rid yourself of me so easily, foolish child?"_

_"Oh no," the eldest princess responded unwaveringly, "I have no doubt that someday weeks, months, or even years from now I'll wake screaming into the night because you walk my dreams once more. You are a manifestation of my fears called up from my memories by my subconscious after all. And you know what will happen when you do? That heart you hear will wrap his arms around me, make me a glass of warm milk and tell me everything is okay. And it will be, because you can't hurt me anymore unless I let you, and I no longer choose to allow a mere shade to claw at my soul. Even if you were more than a painful memory," Az continued, standing and shaking out her skirts, "you'd have to go through Gulch to get to me. And if you _tried_ to go through my Othersider, well, then you'd have me to deal with," she stated evenly, meeting the witch's gaze and holding it, "and I am not a child anymore."_

_"That sound," Azkadellia resumed after a minute, "says that I am not alone. People need each other, it's a shame you never learned that. Enjoy your darkness." _

_And with that the princess clapped her hands above her head and she was no longer in the cave, she was in a sunny meadow next to magical waters. Friendly shadows passed overhead; there was laughter in the wind, dreams in the trees and the constant beat of a loyal heart in her ear._


End file.
